There was a joke in the monologue that went something like this: "CBS is doing a mini-series on young Adolf Hitler. One of the best scenes is at the Munich beer hall when Hitler got carded."

When I was growing up, I was never "carded," I was "proofed." I don't know if "proofed" is a New York thing or just a local Rockland County thing, since everywhere else in America the word seems to be "carded." What was it where you lived?

CBS MAILBAG: Plus, The Late Show CBS Mailbag 2002 Biff Henderson Map Across America Summer Tour. Where is Biff tonight? In our nation's capital, Washington D.C. We see Biff in D.C. with the Capitol Building in the background. Spinning the camera around, we see the Washington Monument.

And now a Late Show peek behind the scenes: During rehearsal, the map blew over and fell into the reflecting pool.

LETTER #1: From Martin Johansson of Stockholm, Sweden
"Hi Dave! Sometimes you say '. . . . and here is a copy of tonight's top ten list.' Where do you store the original?"
That's a simple one for Dave. He throws it over to our head of security, William Delace. The Chief walks backstage and we follow. Bill and his deputy, Dominick, come to a huge vault. Dominick swipes a special card and Bill presses in the combination code. He then spins the huge knob to open the door to the huge vault. Bill enters. We see that on the other side of the vault door is 53rd Street. Bill walks over to the nearby dumpster, fishes through it, and comes up with the original top ten blue card. "Here we go. It's a little wet, but I think you get the point."

LETTER #2: From Bob Throisinsky of Greenville, Delaware
"What do you do in your spare time?" (Spare time? HA! Who's got the spare time?)
Dave doesn't do much with his spare time but our stagehand Pat Farmer has a hobby of going to the movies and spotting little mistakes on the big screen. He created a new feature for the show called, "Pat Farmer's Gaffe Alert." He found one gaffe the other day while watching "Road to Perdition." We see a clip. It's a single shot of Tom Hanks in a restaurant talking in hushed tones to a fellow diner. After a few seconds, we come back to Pat. "Did you find it? It's so obvious. In that scene, Tom Hanks has a mustache. HA! Tom Hanks doesn't have a mustache."
Dave asks, "That's the best you could do, Pat?"
Pat: "Uh-huh."

Before reading Letter #3, Dave realizes he accidentally threw the Letter #3 blue card away into the skyline behind him. Like the veteran of the Boards that he is, Dave retrieves the blue card by climbing over the bridges and buildings. He performed this retrieval so professionally that if you weren't watching closely, you probably would have missed it. I did notice it and thought of Godzilla. (Davezilla?)

LETTER #3: From Shawn Hinrichs of Chicago, Illinois
"Dear Dave, What do you do with the letters that don't get answered?"
We never let the letters go to waste. Dave throws to a clip that explains what happens to the letters we do not answer.
- "Each week, the Late Show receives hundreds of letters that it is unable to answer through the CBS Mailbag. These letters are shipped all across the country to children who have no letters to read."
- We cut to a young girl with her mother. The little girl is reading a CBS Mailbag letter: "You're not funny and should have retired long ago."
- A young boy and his dad: "You are hereby ordered to stay at least 200 feet from . . (looking up at dad) . . . Who's Barbra Streisand?"
- A young girl and her mom: "You . . . suck? Mommy!"
- "The Late Show Letter Recycling Program. Helping America's children read today!"

LETTER #4: From Len Dawson of Wellanc, Ontario, Canada
"I'm interested in playing the stock market. Do you have any tips for me?"
Dave doesn't know much about the stock market but he had a friend who does, and we're lucky to have her here with us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Martha Stewart.
Martha: "You can't touch this! Who you callin' ho? Who you callin' ho?"
Dave: "Thanks for being here, Martha. I have to ask - in light of recent allegations, are you worried about going to jail?"
Martha: "Let me tell you something, Betty, Martha's been in lockdown before - Lewisburg Federal Pen, '68 - did three months for running cockfights in my basement."
Dave: "I didn't know that. But, regarding the ImClone controversy, what can you tell us?"
Martha: "Dave, I refuse to answer that question unless I first consult my attorney." (Martha picks up her "attorney" who is made out of pinecones.) "Hmm mmm, hmm mmm . . . Dave, my lawyer says you should go shove an embroidered throw pillow up your ass.
Dave: "I see. So, you're not at all concerned about the charges against you?"
Martha: "Not at all, Dave, and I'll tell you why. I have in my possession a piece of videotape that will exonerate me completely. Watch." (we cut to a clip of Louie Anderson on "The Family Feud.") "Whoops! Must have taped over it."
Dave: "Is there anything else you would like to say, Martha?"
Martha: "As a matter of fact, Dave, yes. I would like to send a personal message to my stockbroker." (turns to camera) "Peter, I just got a look at Letterman. Sell all my CBS stock immediately! Good night, America! Go see 'Eight Legged Freaks." David Arquette has never been more delightful." Exits.

And that was mailbag. Biff was 4 out of 4, good for 20 points. Where is Biff going next week? "Las Vegas, Nevada."

During the commercial break, we decided to go right into the Ted Koppel interview and forego the Will It Float piece. The water tank was set up behind the scrim before that decision was made. Dave introduces Ted Koppel. Ted sits and says, "I thought you were going to do the 'Will It Float' segment." Dave laughs and says if Ted wants the Will It Float, then we will do the Will It Float. With much scrambling behind the scenes, everything is set to go in seconds. Tonight's item: A 15-pound bag of charcoal.
The scrim rises and the Late Show models are holding the 15-pound bag of charcoal above the water tank. Nearby is the Keva the fire lady performing one of her many fire stunts. Ted says the bag will drop like a rock. Dave and Paul believe it will float. The models place the 15-pound bag of charcoal into the water and it...FLOATS! Dave asks Mr. Koppel if he ever considered a Will It Float segment on "Nightline"? Ted says, "We came very close a few months ago."

Dave wonders who does "Nightline" when Ted is on the Late Show? Ted says his twin brother Kenny takes over. We see a clip of Kenny at work. He indeed is Ted's twin. The only way you could tell Kenny from Ted is Kenny has a mustache. Ted goes on to tell some sordid stories about Kenny, his home life, and Kenny's wife Laverne. For a second there I thought Dave was talking to Tom Arnold.

Back from commercial, Dave and Ted talk about Ted's 22-year history at "Nightline" and his new "Nightline: Up Close." Ted tells about a drunken celebrity artist who was on the show one night but would not reveal whom it was. He shares how he ticked off Attorney General John Ashcroft another night. Dave asks about Dick Cheney and is he trouble with some alleged shady deals? Ted says all that was discussed "last night" on Nightline. Dave asks, "But what was said? How did it go?" Ted says he doesn't know yet. Dave doesn't understand. Ted decides not to play any longer and reveals a tightly guarded Late Show secret. "David, you've made fun of me for not working 5 days a week, but here we are here right now and it is Thursday night." Yes, Ted uncovered that we do our Friday shows on Thursday. Dang it, he's good.

Ted was a lot of fun tonight. I was particularly impressed with his sense of comedic timing. One tends to rush the punchline when they are about to tell a good off-the-cuff joke. Ted held back and delivered his funnies with hesitation and restraint. It was very effective. So good was Ted, I wouldn't be surprised if CBS tries to woo him.

WENDY LIEBMAN: She'll be appearing at the Laff Stop in Houston, Texas, August 8th through the 10th. Wendy can't sleep and she's engaged. An enjoyable 6 minutes of stand-up with Wendy. She always gets a good response from the Late Show audience. Sitting at the desk with Dave, Wendy says she couldn't get tickets to see "The Producers" so she went to an off-Broadway production called, "The Co-Producers." It starred Bob Denver and Jared from the Subway commercials.

And that was our show for Friday, July 19, 2002. Late Show Emmy Nominations

How could I forget? The Emmy Award nominations were announced yesterday and the Late Show was nominated in 4 categories.

*Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
- Late Show with David Letterman - Jerry Foley
- America: A Tribute to Heroes
- From Broadway: Fosse
- Opening Ceremony Salt Lake City 2002 Olympic Winter Games
- 74th Annual Academy Awards

*Outstanding Technical Direction, Camerawork, Video For A Series
- Late Show with David Letterman - Tim Kennedy
- Saturday Night Live - the Britney Spears show
- Survivor: Africa Finale and Reunion
- Tonight Show with Jay Leno

*Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program
- Late Show with David Letterman - Head Writers: Eric and Justin Stangel
- America: A Tribute to Heroes
- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
- Late Night with Conan O'Brien
- Saturday Night Live

*Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
- Late Show with David Letterman - entire staff
- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
- Politically Incorrect
- Saturday Night Live
- Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Vote early. Vote often. Wahoo EXTRA!

WHY ME WAHOO, or WHY YOU WAHOO (Whatever I call it) - Why should you be the Wahoo writer for a day? Write me and include a short bio. Title your email topic: WHY ME WAHOO (or WHY YOU WAHOO). The "winner" will have the privilege of writing one issue of the Wahoo Gazette without compensation! The finished written product will be due at 10:30 AM the morning after the program. Good luck.

SNAPPLE UNDER THE CAP FUN FACT OF THE DAY:
#41. "Shrimp can only swim backward."

It's one of my favorite features in the Wahoo Gazette. It's something I call CAMEO MENTION OF A NON-WAHOO READER. Tonight's google search: City - Duluth, Minnesota. Name - Robinson.

CAMEO MENTION OF A NON-WAHOO READER
A research assistant with the University of Minnesota Tourism Center, it's Matthew Robinson
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A NON-WAHOO READER

I was in Jersey the other day getting gas. I go to Jersey for my gas for two reasons: It's cheaper and it's cheaper. They pump the gas for you, too. I believe New Jersey is only one of two states that does not allow "Pump Your Own." I think Idaho is the other. Anyway, I'm sitting in my car getting the gas and I see the guy in front of me pay for his gas, get his change, then give the attendant a dollar tip. Whoa! Am I supposed to tip the gas jockey? I pay for my $10 of gas with a twenty and get ten singles back as change. What's with that? Was I supposed to peel one off and give it back as a tip? Is tipping the gas guy expected these days?

OK, so you have your assignment for the weekend: Is it "proof" or "carded"? WHY ME WAHOO; and do you tip the gas attendant.