Dave opens by congratulating our Emmy winning friends at "Everybody Loves Raymond" and to Jon Stewart and The Daily Show for their win in the Variety, Comedy, or Music Program.

How was your Saturday? Dave takes a moment to describe his Saturday. Dave was relaxing at his home in wide open spaces of Montana. Early early Saturday in the morn, Dave said he heard some noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like someone was in the kitchen making breakfast. That's a nice sound, someone making breakfast in the kitchen. But this sound was so cacophonic, Dave had to get up and investigate. He crept to the kitchen and when he opened the door, he says he saw "the largest bear I have ever seen in my entire life." Dave wisely shut the door. The bear continued to "make breakfast," trashing the kitchen in the process. The bear went through everything; through the cupboards, through the refrigerator, through the pantry, through everything. The bear even had the faucet on. He was obviously up to something.
Dave decided the best thing to do was call his friend, Chip. Chip is a good guy to know. He knows how to run everything. He's just the guy you would want to call when you have a bear in your kitchen. Dave says, "I told him the situation, and Chip says,'. . . Oh, shit.'"
(ed.note - I was going to use my usual coding system for expletives, i.e. 'djoy', - to decipher, look to the left of each letter in 'djoy' - but I wasn't sure how to put 'djoy' in single quotes when it was already within a single quote inside a double quote, so I decided to just print out the 'givl'ing expletive.)

Chip was 40 miles away and he made it to the house in about 11 minutes. Dave lost track of the bear for a moment and feared it may have gone into the basement. This was not good, says Dave. You could only imagine the effort and trouble it would be trying to get a bear out of the basement. Eventually, the bear made its way into the bedroom and lied down to take a nap. Dave took this time to throw lacrosse balls at the sleeping beast. I think this was Dave's idea, not Chip's. The bear paid no mind to the lacrosse balls and continued its slumber.
How long did the bear remain in the house? After 5 and a half hours, the bear was still there. Chip decides, "You know what we need? M-80's." Chip calls a high school kid named Brandon, who comes over with his stash of M-80s. Somehow word must have gotten out in the animal kingdom that there was an open house at the Letterman's because the house was now surrounded by big-horned sheep. Anyway, the M-80s seemed to do the trick because the bear eventually got up and made his way out of the house. To prove he wasn't making this up, Dave showed photos of the trespassing bear.

And that was Dave's Saturday.

If you watched the Emmy Awards, you saw that the Cher Farewell Concert Tour won an Emmy. Dave is right, there was something unusual about the announcement. We see the clip from the Awards of Cher's Concert Tour win. As the producers get up to accept the Award, we hear the narrator announce this short bio:

"This is Cher's 7th Emmy win. She also won for her farewell tour in 1982, her farewell tours in '91 and '95, her comeback tour in '96, her farewell/comeback tour in '97, and her fareback/comewell tour in 2000."

It's a contagious plague in TV sports as well.

And of course during every Emmy Awards presentation, there is a special tribute to those who left us for the great beyond over the past year. We see a clip from last night's montage. First we see Nell Carter, then Buddy Hackett, then Uday and Qusay Hussein, and then Buddy Ebsen.

His heart still pounding a rapid beat ever since Saturday morning, Dave sighs, "I'm lucky to be alive, ladies and gentlemen."

Is Hillary going to run for President in 2004? She says she's not, but it is all so confusing. Have you seen or heard her most recent announcement concerning the 2004 election?

"As honored as Senator Hillary Clinton is by all of the encouragement she has received to challenge President Bush next year, she wants to make it perfectly clear that she will not - repeat: will not - under any circumstances, run for President in 2004. Paid for by Hillary Clinton for President in 2004."

And to conclude the ACT 1, it's the George W. Bush Clip of the Night: We see Mr. President giving a speech. He says something about the "need for better communication." "The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing." The President lifts his right hand when he says "left hand" and lifts his left hand when he says "right hand."

TOP TEN: Things I Want To Say To All Americans - and to present tonight's Top Ten list, the newly crowned Miss America, from Florida, Miss Ericka Dunlap.
#9. "One time I breathed in too much hairspray and thought there was a bear in my house."
#7. "So far this year, I have more wins than the Jets."
#6. "Even I realize two years from now I'll be working at a boat show"
#2. "Backstage, I saw Dr. Phil eat an entire chocolate cake."

#9 in the top ten, the one about breathing in too much hairspray and thinking she saw a bear in her house, was re-written during the commercial break to include the bear in the house reference.

DR. PHIL: Upon learning that Dave is going to be a father, Dr. Phil says that it confirmed what he always believed. "If you wait around long enough, anyone can get laid."
Dr. Phil then has a small quiz to find out if Dave is ready to be a father. Some from the list include:
-Can you take crying at night that is not coming from you?
-No matter how frustrating, do you realize you cannot "fire the baby's ass"?
-Ask nothing of your child until the age of 14, and then only that he/she visit you at the home once a week.
-Will you have your child record a message on your answer machine that only YOU think is adorable? Dave says he won't, and he won't succumb to the baby Christmas card photo either. (I'm guilty of the latter)
-If the child asks about sex, send him/her to the mother since she'll have a better chance of remembering.

What Dave really wants to know is information about private schools in Switzerland.
Dr. Phil asks Dave if he knows the sex of the baby. Dave says he does. Will he tell? No. Boy oh boy, now whatever Dave says about the baby will be examined top to bottom for a telltale sign revealing the baby's sex.

Dr. Phil is on to promote the new season of the Dr. Phil TV show (3:00 PM on CBS here in New York) and to promote his weight loss book, "The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom." Dr. Phil says that obesity has overtaken smoking as the #1 preventable cause of death in America. It's hard to believe. In fact as soon as New York City Mayor Bloomberg heard that, he decided to allow smoking in restaurants and deny eating.

Dave says he wants to lose another few pounds but Dr. Phil doesn't see where that's possible. Dr. Phil also says he knows that Dave has taken frequent shots at him for being fat and the author of a weight loss book. Dr. Phil stands and takes off his jacket to reveal his sturdy build. Dave takes off his own jacket and compares his body build and fat content to Dr. Phil's. Dave and Dr. Phil stand back to back and let us decide for our own self. I so wanted to hear the word "Mesomorph" but it was not coming.

To finish off the 3-segment guest appearance, Dave asks Dr. Phil if Oprah ever mentions him. Ducking and dodging like a prized fighter, Dr. Phil avoids a straight response. He does offer that Oprah knows he is doing Dave's show tonight and that he has never heard Oprah say a bad word about Mr. Letterman. Other than that, it doesn't seem much Dave talk goes on in Oprah circles.

ACT 5: "This week only, when you buy Dr. Phil's book, mention the Late Show and get a free coupon for Nachos Grande at your participating Taco Bell restaurants. Good luck, and get going."

DAVID BOWIE: From his new, highly acclaimed CD, "Reality," David Bowie performed "New Killer Star."

The second album I ever bought was David Bowie's "Young American" album. My first was Seals and Crofts Greatest Hits.

And that was our show for Monday, September 22, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

I planned on coming to work early Tuesday morning to finish this issue of the Wahoo Gazette. Unfortunately, it rained. Mere clouds are enough to slow down traffic on the West Side Highway and rain is a guaranteed jam. Early A.M. accidents on the George Washington Bridge resulted in up to an hour delay getting across. Plus, the President was speaking at the United Nations at 10:30 AM and this tied up the entire east side. That east side traffic spilled over to the west side. And of course, the New York City Department of Transportation took this dreadful situation and decided to make it worse by performing non-essential maintenance along the West Side Highway. My morning commute was over two hours.

When I played quarterback in high school, I often called an audible at the line of scrimmage, which means I changed the play from the one called in the huddle based on the defense presented. Why can't the NYC Department of Transportation call an audible on their non-essential maintenance when they see that commuters are delayed over an hour simply to get across the bridge? I would call off the A.M. non-essential maintenance by the NYC Department of Transportation if and when the A.M. commute becomes unmanageable.

We came away from this year's Emmy Awards empty-handed. The good news is I saved a lot of money on car insurance at Gieco.

Did Wanda Sykes call Larry David "Larry Davis"? Am I the only one who heard this? No one else seems to have heard it. And isn't she a regular on his "Curb Your Enthusiasm" show?

I'm happy for Joey Pantoliano. And who knew he does a great Katherine Hepburn?

I've been wanting to get this off my chest all week. I HATE THE SQUIB KICK! Last Monday night's NFL game saw the Giants take a 3-point lead with 11 seconds left against the Cowboys. The Giants decided to squib the ensuing the kickoff. I screamed at the squib. I hate the squib. Especially with a 3-point lead or less. I've hated it since the late 70's/early 80's when the Giants were terrible and the Washington Redskins were great. The Giants took a late lead and decided to squib the kickoff. The Redskins immediately moved the ball for Mark Moseley to kick the winning field goal.
Anyway, I'm sure you know the rest of the Giant/Cowboy story. The Cowboys tied the game following the squib kick and then won in overtime. Although I'm a big Giants fan, I rooted for the Cowboys to win the game following the squib in hopes that this would kill the idea of ever squibbing again.

Oh, if you're in the Chattanooga, TN area this weekend. . . . check out: NashvilleStandup.com presents:
"THE ORIGINAL REGIONAL SUPERVISORS OF COMEDY"
"(we're not exactly KINGS.. just middle-management types)" featuring Chad Riden, Matt Sterling, Damian Anaya, Jesse Perry, Jason Williams and sketch comedy from www.MangyDog.com.
Admission is just $5 (or $2 with a student ID!).

And now another installment of a Wahoo reader's "Hang on Sloopy" story. This from Jordan Yin of Kalamazoo, Michigan:

"One of my defining high school memories is playing 'Hang on Sloopy' for an entire season in marching band in suburban Cleveland. It was back in 1985 when 'Sloopy' was named the official State Rock Song of the great State of Ohio, right up there with the State Beverage (tomato juice) and the State Fossil (the trilobite). I think our marching band conductor thought it was kind of hip to be playing a 'rock song' in marching band, even though it was 20 years out-of-date by then. I'm pretty sure we even made up a little dance to go with it. It's just one of those songs that gets in your head even though it's kind of awful (even after all these years, I think I could still play the tuba part from memory)."

Gotta go. I'm two hours late with everything today and I'll be running all day to catch up.