Hey! Where's Letterman? Is he coming in today? Is he not coming in today? Dave was at the hospital tonight awaiting the arrival of his newborn. My prayers and best wishes are with him and his.

I really enjoyed tonight's opening announce: 4 Paul Shaffer mentions.
1. Dave's Guest Host Tonight: Paul Shaffer
2. Paul Shaffer's Guests Tonight:
3. Plus, Paul Shaffer's CBS Orchestra.
4. And now, Paul Shaffer.

Monologue Jokes:
"It came as a complete shock to me. I didn't even know he was getting laid."
"Dave's going to be a father. We think this means he's not gay."
"Next Wednesday is the Bris . . . boy or girl."
"I understand they're doing 'natural childbirth,' although Dave is heavily sedated."
"The two of them never thought they would have a child. Dave is excited, and so is Liza."
"Dave showed up at the hospital, and out of habit, they rushed him into surgery."

Following tradition, after the last joke, New York City Marathon men's winner Martin Lel of Kenya suddenly enters and runs behind Paul and out the back of the house. And following right behind, Women's champ Margaret Okayo. I did pretty well in Sunday's marathon. I watched it in two hours, 30 minutes.

When word got out that Dave wasn't doing tonight's show, many came by offering to host the show. We spotted one celebrity on our security camera and we showed it. We see footage of Regis Philbin banging on the stage door, begging, pleading, hoping for a chance to host. Sorry, Regis. But is Kelly available?

NEW YORK CITY MARATHON QUIZ: It was the 34th NYC Marathon. Over 35,000 took part. We sent out a camera crew to capture footage of this festive New York event. We then brought the footage back to the Late Show comedy lab and coupled it with funny and whimsical questions and answers.

Some of my favorites:
-A guy holding a sign "Elite Fluids" - "Here we see:
A) An advertisement
B) A refreshment area for runners
C) The world's worst pickup line"

-A man at a bar - "To get in the spirit of the marathon, this man is:
A) Positioning himself in a prime viewing spot
B) Cheering on the runners
C) Downing 26.2 beers."

-A guy rubbing Vaseline on his private area while running - "Here we find this runner:
A) 'Pounding the pavement'
B) 'Beating his personal best.'
C) 'Finishing'"

TOP TEN: Things I can say now that Dave's not here
#10. "I've developed asthma from all the fake laughing."
#8. "Funny, when my kids were born someone still made me come in for the show."
#3. "It's 'givl'-ing freezing in here."

SURVIVORS: We got two of them tonight. Shawn Cohen was voted off last week, and Osten Taylor quit. Paul says all he knows about Survivor is that they are all from Chicago and were once bartenders. Paul mistakenly referred to Jeff Probst as Ryan Seacrest. I probably would have laughed at this but I know neither Jeff Probst or Ryan Seacrest.
Osten quit because he lost 40 pounds in 19 days. He also suffered through 5 staph infections. Osten says he quit for health reasons and reasons he'll make his millions dollars in some other way.
Shawn is a loser the old fashioned way. He earned it. He was voted off. Why? From what I've read, his tribe members cited Shawn's poor work ethic for the reason he was voted off. Shawn must have forgotten to mention this.

ASHLEY JUDD: She agrees with Paul. "You're right. It's 'givl'-ing cold in here."
Paul remembers meeting Ashley 15 years ago. She was a big Clash fan at the time. Paul remembered this and played, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" upon her entrance. Ashley is married to IRL racecar driver Dario Frinchitti. She herself took part in an auto race for amateurs and ended up crashing. This earned her the nickname "Crashley Thud."
Ashley's starring in the Broadway revival of Tennessee Williams' "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." Ashley plays the Elizabeth Taylor role. It opened Sunday night. Tickets are still available though they are going fast. "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" - at The Music Box at 239 West 45th Street.

RICHARD BELZER: He stars in the NBC, "Law and Order: SVU." SVU stands for Special Victims Unit. Richard, dressed in all black, enters dancing like Mick Jagger. Did pretty good. If I closed my eyes, he would have looked just like Mick. Richard had more impersonations to do. He did a very good Ed Sullivan and followed that with a Bar Mitzvahed singing Elvis Presley. I'll be watching tonight on the closed caption to see how they handled that.
The "SVU" is shot right here in New York City and during one break in a shoot, an actual shoplifter came running right up to the set with his goodie bag. Seeing all the "cops," the shoplifter dropped the bag and gave himself up. He was quickly apprehended by a real life cop. What was the shoplifter shop lifting? Q-Tips and film. It's not the value of the theft. It's the excitement!

ACT 5: Alan Kalter's That's Annoying - Alan moos like a cow.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: From her CD, "Afterglow," Sarah sings the lovely "Fallen."

And that was our show for Monday, November 3, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

Great job by Paul. It's not easy to do what he did, especially on such short notice.

I can already hear the crying over the Wahoo's Dave4000 contest. Monday's show was #GH25. Late Show #2068 will have to wait.

Congratulations to Puff Daddy for running and finishing the 34th New York City Marathon. The Marathon covers 26.2 miles and his time was 4 hours, 14 minutes, 54 seconds. At the 21 mile mark, he officially changed his name to "Huffin' and Puffin' Daddy"
If you use the above joke, please do not credit me. Thank you.

CBS AT 75: Did you watch Sunday night? Lots of clips of past CBS shows and a nice tribute to the CBS News division. My laugh-out-loud moment of the night was when the camera panned the members of the famed CBS News team from past and present who were on stage receiving thunderous applause. We saw Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Morley Safer, Mike Wallace, Andy Rooney, Harry Smith, and others. And at the end of the line we see that goofy weather guy Dave Price. Really now, what was he doing there?

Every November 1st I think of the same thing. Back in my Senior year of high school (1975-1976), I was the quarterback of the football team. My brothers ahead of me played on the team and now it was my turn. A kid in a line of high school football players always looks forward to his senior year. Well, in my senior year the town thought that the school taxes were too high and so voted down the budget. Another budget was proposed and that too was voted down. Another budget proposed, another budget defeat. This went on through much of the summer. They took one more shot with the budget in September with another defeat. The result? No high school sports. No football, no soccer, no nothing. We started our double sessions in August with the belief the budget would be passed. We continued to practice even after the budget defeat. We were practicing for . . . for . . . for what, I don't remember. But we kept practicing. Eventually, an austerity budget was put into place and we were offered the chance to play. Our first game was November 1st. We played 3 games, ended up 2-1, losing to the County Champs 22-16 and defeating a state-ranked team 8-0.
And that was my senior year. Our first game was November 1st.
Thanks again for the memories, you fine people of East Ramapo!

I'm sitting in the living room playing with my girls and their Bratz dolls while the Giant/Jet football game plays in the background. The score is 28-28 in overtime. With 9 minute left in OT, the Giants are about to attempt a 39-yard game winning field goal. The Giants call a timeout to prepare and settle things. After their timeout, the Jets call a timeout in an attempt to "ice" the kicker. "Icing" the kicker is when you call timeout so to unnerve the kicker by giving him time to think about what he is about to do. I hate the practice of "icing" the kicker, thinking it's silly, stupid, and unproven. And I especially hate the idea of wasting your LAST timeout when there is still 9 minutes left in overtime. I was following the game with about 25% of my attention. The other 75% was involved with Bratz, but even then I knew not to waste your last timeout in that situation. And I'm a Giants fan.

Anyway, the Giants kicker misses the 39-yarder. The game continues. Soon later, the Jets have the ball at the Giants 34-yard line and have to decide whether to go for it on 4th and 2, punt, or attempt a 51-yard field goal. They decide on the field goal, but during the time of (in)decision, the play clock was ticking. To beat the play clock, the center hiked the ball, the kicker wasn't ready, the kick was blocked, and the Giants recovered and won the game a few minutes later. The Jets could have desperately used a timeout in that situation. But they wasted their last timeout.

Did the Jets "icing" of the Giants kicker work? That's debatable, but he did miss and you can't really argue with "success." But I wouldn't have wasted my LAST timeout in that situation.
After the game, I hear a lot about how the Jets had a poor understanding of the clock situation. Many commentators called it inexcusable. BUT BUT BUT, the CBS camera crew had a close-up on the kicker at that moment and missed the snap and the story. So not only were the Jets unaware of the clock, but so was CBS.

And one more thing about "icing" the kicker. The Giants called a timeout before the kick to settle and calm the situation. They did this to maximize the chance of successfully kicking the field goal. The Jets then followed that timeout with their own timeout in an attempt to minimize the chance of the Giants successfully kicking the field goal.

And now I read in Tuesday morning's newspaper that Giants Coach Jim Fassel didn't want to call timeout before their game-winning field goal because he didn't want to "ice" his own kicker.

Would somebody please do a study on the effect of "icing" the kicker? Does it work? And while you're at it, do a study on diving headfirst into first base. Does it slow you down?

I'm sorry, but I can't let this "icing" thing go. The Giants and Jets are tied in OT. The Giants advance to the Jets 12-yard line with 39 seconds left. They have a timeout remaining. The Giants don't use the timeout to stop the clock. Instead they run out their kicking team and kick the winning field goal with 4 seconds remaining. They had ample time to get the kick off. Here's my question, a question that has not been discussed ANYWHERE. Why didn't the Giants run up to the line of scrimmage and spike the ball? This would have stopped the clock and would have left some time left on the clock to call a timeout if something went awry during the field goal attempt. 4 seconds remaining in OT on a successful field goal is cutting it a little close to call a timeout if the attempt was botched.

Apparently, the Giants have learned very little since last year's field goal debacle vs. the 49ers in the playoffs.

Again, I apologize to all who find this drivel to be drivel. I just need to get it off my chest. I'm currently looking for a venue where this sports drivel would be more suitable.