Before we get into anything, Dave makes a plea to Paris Hilton. Dave says Paris and sister Nikki are always at a party or getting ready for a party, and Paris in particular couldn’t be any sweeter or lovelier. She was booked to do our show but then the sex video came out. Dave says he saw the video and was impressed with what he saw. Dave then received a phone call last week from Ms. Hilton’s people with the threat, “If you don’t stop the jokes about Paris Hilton, we’ll kill you.” Not one to back down from threats, Dave continued with the jokes. Dave finds no fault with Paris for making the video. We’ve all made them. Dave faults her boyfriend for losing possession and it doesn’t matter how it happened. The boyfriend is a stooge. And her new PR guy is pond scum for talking her out of appearing on our show. Dave makes his plea to Paris: “Come to the show and we’ll treat you like a Queen. It will be a lovefest.” The next move is up to Paris.

BIFF ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH HOWARD DEAN: Biff comes out and sits next to Dave. Biff spent a few days last week in Manchester, New Hampshire on the campaign trail with Howard Dean. Was it boring? Well, after hearing the same speech over and over again, it does get a little boring. We have videotape of Biff and his visit.
- Biff asking how long has Howard Dean been selling the frozen sausages?
- Speaking with Dr. Howard Dean, Biff asks about Jobs: create more or less? MORE
- The environment: help or hurt? HELP
- Health Care: make it better or worse? BETTER – Biff can’t trick the crafty campaigner. “Damn, this guy is good.”
- It’s fun to say “Caucus”
- A montage of Biff interviewing some of the local flavor, including a guy dressed as a carrot.
- Biff, to Dean: “Would you consider selling Delaware to help pay off the national debt?” Dean replies there is a primary coming up in Delaware, but he would agree to sell off Texas.
- Biff in an auditorium. “I’ve heard this speech already. I’m going to have a beer with the carrot.” (cut to Biff and carrot enjoying a beer)
- “Is it true you’re a doctor?” asks Biff to the candidate? It’s true. We then find Dr. Howard Dean giving a shirtless Biff Henderson a physical.
- Some of the local folk impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Inside an office building, Biff asks a Manchestrian, “What’s the strangest place you’ve made whoopee?” The guy answers, “Down there.” Camera cuts to a shot of the hallway.
- Dr. Howard Dean talking to a constituent. Camera widens to find he’s talking to a shirtless Biff.

Howard Dean – Coming soon to your state.

Back from commercial, Dave makes another plea to Paris Hilton. “We’ve got to get her on our show because she’ll go on other shows and they’re only concerned about themselves. We have her best interests at heart.”

Dave goes on to explain that Paris isn’t the only one to make a homemade sex video. Many of our guests have done the same. Paul Newman has. And so has Clay Aiken. Even Dave has dilly-dallied with the video camera.

RUPERT BONEHAM: He’s the 11th Survivor to be voted off the Pearl Islands.
- 39; married; has a 4-year-old daughter
- grew up in Indiana and attended Haworth High School in Kokomo
- currently lives in Indianapolis
- occupation: a mentor for troubled teens; once worked as a gravedigger and a bartender
- spent 27 days on the Pearl Islands
- Why voted off? He was double crossed by a secret alliance

Rupert couldn’t be with us tonight, so standing in for Rupert is LATE SHOW writer Gerry Mulligan.
Mulligan: “Hi, Jay, Great to be here.”
Dave: “Actually, it’s Dave. Welcome to the show. Why don’t you tell us what happened?”
Mulligan: “It was totally shocking. My alliance double-crossed me in the tribal council immunity reward challenge . . . or something like that. Honestly, it’s like the 12th season, I don’t think anyone really cares.”
Dave: “Uh huh. Now, a lot of people say they were voted out because they were perceived as too much of a threat. Would you say that’s true with you?”
Mulligan: “Nah.”
Dave: “What are you going to do now that you’re voted out?”
Mulligan: “I’m going to go back to work at Autozone.”
Dave: “Rupert, do you have a question for him?”
Rupert: “Was there any hanky panky?
Mulligan: “Well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but let’s just say I had amazing sex with every woman on the island. Tried a little Prince Charles thing with one of the guys, too.”
Dave: “Stephanie, do you have a question?”
Stephanie: “Did you see or touch any monkeys?”
Mulligan: “That depends if you consider Prince Charles a monkey.”
Dave: “Thank you.”

So where was the real Survivor Rupert? He was unavailable. Word has it he’s on the SURVIVOR All-Star team and taping has already begun for the big Super Bowl Sunday premiere of the next Survivor..

TOP TEN: Excuses of the Guy Arrested for Smuggling 750 pounds of Bologna – On Friday in El Paso, Texas, U.S. Custom officers arrested a guy for smuggling 750 pounds of Mexican bologna that were shaped in the form of a car seat.
#9. “Used to smuggle drugs, but now everybody’s into the Atkins diet.”
#4. “I can’t bring luncheon meat across the border? What is this, Russia?”
#2. “How about I give you fifty pounds of bologna to make this whole problem go away?”

PAUL NEWMAN: Received a long and deserved applause upon his entrance. Paul is sporting a beard. He says in his last film he had a “depraved” beard. He’s since cut off the depraved part. Dave and Paul are both car racing enthusiasts and each share stories of racing. They both raced the same track at Fontana, California. Before the ride, Dave looked over at Paul and thought to himself, “Oh damn, this guy will want to scare the hell out of me.” Dave admits to being disoriented the entire ride, seeing nothing but pavement. Paul confesses that he too was disoriented. He laughs and tells Dave, “We were both lucky to get out alive.”
Over the years, Paul has given $150 million to charites from his line of salad dressing, popcorn, and tomato sauces. His daughter has taken over the organic part of the market.
Why, how, and what made Paul think he could be a success marketing salad dressing all those years ago? Paul says he was always a businessman at heart. He ran a laundry business in college, sold Fuller brushes when he was 12, sold encyclopedias at Yale, and ran a successful business bootlegging whiskey. This caught Dave’s attention. After Paul got out of the Navy, he was living in Seattle where all the liquor stores were state run. Whiskey was rationed at the time and you were only able to buy one bottle a week. When the Navy guys were discharged, they’d be given a liquor card that entitled them to buy their one bottle for that week. Paul decided to buy the liquor cards from the discharged Navy guys for a few dollars and then buy bottles of whiskey. He and his buddy would then sell the whiskey at a huge mark up to the sailors leaving the dance hall at 2 AM.
2002 was a very good year for Mr. Newman. He was nominated for an Academy Award and a Golden Globe Award for Road to Perdition and nominated for an Emmy for Our Town on Showtime, as well as a Tony Award for the Broadway production of Our Town. Paul says he doesn’t go to the Award shows anymore, having burned all his tuxedos years ago. He does admit his wife has kept one around, though, “probably to bury me in.”

Paul has recently co-written a book, “Shameless Exploitation in Pursuit of the Common Good,” with A.E. Hotchner describing how the “Newman’s Own” business began. I’ll be giving it a look-see.

Dave recalls a long ago Paul Newman interview with Barbara Walters where Paul said he had 2 passions: Popcorn and beer. Dave said Paul admitted to enjoying the beer so much he would sometimes drink a case of beer in one day. Paul says he doesn’t remember saying that, but that may be because he drank a case of beer that day.
“Do you still enjoy the beer?” asks Dave. Paul smiles and says he does. “It’s the drink of the common man.”

Dave holds up two photos of Paul racing his cars. The first photo is of Paul at Watkins Glen, finishing second in a 3-hour endurance race. He says he reached a speed of 170 mph at that race. The second photo is of Paul winning at his home track in Lime Rock Park. He was driving car #78, also his age.

How much longer will he be racing? Paul says he isn’t worried about racing. “I’m more worried about getting in and out of the car.” Paul asks Dave if he has a hard time getting in and out of the race cars. Dave laughs and says, “I don’t have a race driver’s ass.”

You’ll be able to see Paul Newman next year in the HBO film, Empire Falls. Shot in Maine, it stars Paul Newman, Ed Harris, Helen Hunt, Robin Wright Penn, Adain Quinn, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Joanne Woodward.

And to find out more about Paul’s “Newman’s Own,” check out the website
www.newmansown.com

ACT 5: It’s time for Alan Kalter’s ‘Things I’d Like To Get Off My Chest.’
- combovers
- Emerill on every minute of the Food Network
- My neighbors – If I want to have swinger party weekends that are clothing optional and jungle-themed, it’s my choice.

CLAY AIKEN: He’s sold over 2 million copies of his debut CD, Measure of a Man. Clay performed “Invisible.”

And that was our show for Monday November 24, 2003. Wahoo EXTRA!

Paul Newman’s story about buying up liquor cards from sailors and selling bottles of whiskey at a huge mark up reminded me of a story my Uncle Frank would tell. During World War II, he was stationed on the ship the Bunker Hill. Sailors were given ice cream chits, or coupons, and beer chits which they were able to redeem for beer and ice cream. At the time my Uncle was not a drinker. Naturally, most of the men onboard enjoyed their beer more than their ice cream. My uncle would trade his beer chits for ice cream chits, swapping with whoever offered the best deal. He would say by the time he was discharged, he had more ice cream chits than he knew what to do with. “Michael,” he would say, “I could be eating ice cream to this day and still have chits left over.”

ANNOYING THINGS MY DAD DOES THAT HE THINKS IS FUNNY:
From Connie Blood of Yorba Linda, California:

”My parents used to own a sandwhich shop. His favorite line to his customers who would ask ‘how good is the food?’ was ‘The food is so good your brains will fall out.’"

With that game over, CBS switches us over to the Patriots/Texans games. The Houston Texans are winning 20-13. With :48 seconds left, the Pats have the ball at the Texans 10-yard line. It is 4th down, 1 yard to go for a first down. Pats QB Tom Brady drops back to pass, scrambles, scrambles, and drops back further. He throws the ball into the endzone and the receiver makes a great catch to tie the game and send it into overtime. Meanwhile, a roughness call is called against the Texans on the play for a late and illegal hit against Brady. The call was questionable at best. The Patriots scored on the play so the penalty was pretty much ignored by the announcing team. So why can’t I ignore it? Because if the pass had been incomplete, the game would have been over and the Texans would have won. With the ref calling the penalty, it guaranteed the Patriots anotFor a ref to call a penalty in that situation, there should be no question over the infraction. It’s why if I were in that type of business where I wanted to “fix” a game, I wouldn’t approach any of the players (the already make a lot of money), I would talk to one of the officials. The ref making that call just about guaranteed the game would go into overtime.

And then I flipped over to the KC/Oakland game. With the Raiders losing by 3 with 3 minutes left, Oakland punt returner Phillip Buchanan ran back a short punt 27 yards putting the Raiders in great field position. After this important return with the game on the line, Buchanan took off his helmet so all the world could see the face of the man who made the big punt return. Instead, all the world got to see the bonehead who was penalized for unsportsman-like conduct for taking off his helmet in celebration while still on the field. I’m just an average follower of the sport of football but even I know you’re not allowed to take off your helmet in that situation. That bothered me. And what bothered me even more was the Oakland Raider coach’s soft, gentle, questioning of Buchanan of why he took off his helmet. The coach should have been in his face BIG TIME! I’m not a lip reader but I was able to read Phillip Buchanan’s lips in his instance. His excuse: “But I was out of bounds.” All those people putting together the FOX telecast and nobody saw that?

So if you’re keeping score at home: My total viewing time of NFL football Sunday: 15 minutes. Screaming at the TV:
1. missing the referee’s call in the Jet game
2. questionable referee’s call on what could have decided the Patriot/Texan game
3. bonehead play by Oakland punt returner
4. coach’s reaction to the bonehead play
5. nobody reading the lips of the Oakland punt returner

Come to think of it, maybe somebody did read the guy’s lips, but by this time I was so disgusted I turned off the TV before the end of the telecast.

And finally, my choice for baseball’s all-time most underrated pitcher, Warren Spahn, died yesterday. He won 363 games, didn’t win his first game till he was 25, hit an NL record 35 homerun as a pitcher, and earned a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart for his bravery under fire in the Battle of the Bulge.