Mary-Kate and Ashley, the non-twin Olsen’s, are on the show tonight. To the surprise of many, they are no longer twins. Or at least they don’t want to be referred to as the Olsen Twins anymore. They’re individuals. So all day, Dave has been studying to make sure he would be able to differentiate between Mary-Kate and Ashley when they are here. To study, Dave bought the Mary-Kate and Ashley doll set. Nice visual aid, but they sure look like twins to me.

Tonight on the show, we also have a NOBEL PRIZE WINNER TELLING “YO MAMA” JOKES. From Columbia University, the 1999 Nobel Prize winner for Economics, it’s Professor Robert Mundell.

Professor Mundell was with us in March telling “You Might Be A Redneck” jokes.

#1: “Yo mama’s so fat her blood type is Ragu.”

Sure, the joke is funny, but the real fun is in the Nobel Prize winner’s delivery.

John Kerry’s people are attempting to make him appear more personable and to humanize him. People are having a hard time making a connection with him.

“John Kerry’s story is the story of a father, a husband, a patriot – an American. Did you know that at age 19 at his family’s summer home, he took a leak out a second story window.

John Kerry for President – leadership you can trust.”

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL:
#2. “Yo mama’s so fat that when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they’re flats.”
#3. “Yo Mama’s so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house!”

Did you see the recent Larry King Live promo? Yikes. I don’t know what they were thinking. Very odd.

“Tonight, Larry king sits down with Secretary of State Colin Powell for the full hour. Don’t miss Larry asking Secretary Powell about the Bush administration’s failure to find weapons of mass destruction, the mistreatment of prisoners, and their inability to track down Osama bin Laden. Then when Colin Powell inevitable calls to cancel his appearance, Larry poses the same questions to showbiz legend Carol Channing.
Only on CNN.”

GEORGE W. BUSH CAN YOU SAY THAT? - From Monday’s speech in Niles, Michigan: “I mean, I repeat exactly what I said before . . . to my Latino friend here.”

It’s now time to play a brand new game: “Would You Like To Pretend You’re In An Earthquake?”

NBC’s miniseries 10.5 did great business Sunday and Monday night, reaching 24 million households. It starred Kim Delaney and Beau Bridges. We hope to recreate that excitement tonight in Rupert’s Hello Deli. You can tell it’s Sweeps because Rupert got TWO contestants for tonight’s installment. We have Brook and Stephanie from Vermont. My hearing may be going bad, or maybe it’s my memory, but I believe Brook and Stephanie said they recently opened the first women’s clothing store. Is that what they said? Maybe that’s true in Vermont, but here in New York we have a couple stores just like that.

Brook and Stephanie both have a lot to say and are not shy in getting their message out there. Though they didn’t look alike, verbally they were twins. On radio you would say they were identical. Dave wonders how long they’ve talked exactly alike. The girls have known each other for a long times, saying they “go way way back.” Dave suggests to Rupert that he go way way back. Silly joke; one which I’m sure I’ll use on a future date. Dave asks Rupert if he can talk like the two girls from Montpelier. After some hesitation, Rupert mutters in a Vermont accent, “I’m from New York.” Gee whiz, why do I find such nonsense so funny?

OKAY, it’s time to play “Would You Like to Pretend You’re In An Earthquake?” Hold on tight. With music from Paul; sound effects from our sound effects guy; and a shaking of the camera by our camera guy, it appears as if Rupert’s Hello Deli is hit with a 10.5 earthquake. I laughed when the straws fall off Rupert’s counter. The look on Rupert’s face was a hoot. He actually looked a bit angry. Meanwhile, the girls and Rupert clutches anything they could find for balance, falling to the ground in fear.

Dave calls it a success, though he says it didn’t quite look like an earthquake. It looked more like they ate some of Rupert’s egg salad.

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL:
#4. “Yo mama’s so fat, at the zoo elephants started throwing her peanuts.”

Like Dave, I thought the Professor started working ‘blue” and said something a bit risqué. Dave asks the Professor to repeat the joke.

#4. “Yo Mama’s so fat, at the zoo elephants started throwing her peanuts.”

Phew. That’s better.

TOP TEN: Reasons I Didn’t Win Survivor:
And here to present tonight’s top ten list, the 13th Survivor to be voted off Survivor: All-Stars, Shii Ann Huang.
#10. “It’s rigged worse than wrasslin’
#6. “That bitchy British judge hated me.”
#4. “Wanted to get back to New York to see the Knicks’ Playoff run.

Dave stops here and asks Professor Robert Mundell for another joke
#5. “Yo Mama’s so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.” Top Ten #3.
#3. “I kept turning down Jeff Probst’s ‘Reward Challenge.”

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL
#6. “Yo Mama’s so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller.”

MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN: Starring in the new film, New York Minute. It opens Friday. For those keeping score at home, Ashley was the one sitting closest to Dave. Now that their movie is being released, it’s being reported that they girls do not want to be known as the Olsen Twins any longer, but as individuals Mary-Kate and Ashley. They said it’s an old story, about 10 years old, but for some reason it’s being picked up now.

I totally missed the Olsen Twin craze growing up – too old. But I’m learning all about them now. My 8-year-old twins are crazy for Full House, on back-to-back every night from 9-10:00 PM. 10:00PM! Life would be so much easier if Full House were on an hour earlier.

Dave mentions that Ashley and Mary-Kate are worth a near billion dollars, if not more. They seem surprised at the amount. Say, they are good actors!

Instead of going to their prom this weekend, they are going to host Saturday Night Live. Now there’s an excuse you don’t hear everyday.

What can Ashley and Mary-Kate tell us about New York Minute? “Go see it on Friday!” they answer. Is there anything the girls want to ask Dave? After a moment of thought, they ask, “Are you going to see the movie?” Dave answers, “You mean, ‘Am I going to see it again?’”

ACT 5: It’s time for “Alan Kalter’s People Who Can Kiss My Ass.”

The gasoline companies. Two dollars for a gallon of gas?
My downstairs neighbor Tony Marano. Who the hell plays drums at 3AM?
And the makers of Cialis. You should print the side effects larger on the box! Now nothing works!
You can all kiss my ass.

ADAM BRODY: He’s on The O.C. Is Orange County known as The O.C.? “No. Nobody calls it that.”

California County Fun Fact: San Bernardino is the largest county in the United States.

LATE SHOW viewers and Wahoo readers would have known this. Dave mentioned this very fact on the February 25th show with Benjamin McKenzie. It was then reported here.

Adam Brody once worked in a Blockbuster. Good job? “No. But it’s a good job for your roommate to have.”

To get the full LATE SHOW experience, Adam turns and talks to Paul.

Adam recently worked with Paris Hilton. How was that? “She was great. Very sweet.” Adam then explains that maybe she wasn’t that great or that sweet, but only seemed that way since she’s so big in the news these days and any thing she does is magnified. One observation: “We shot a scene 50 feet from her trailer and after the scene she was driven back to her trailer.” Oooh, I love Hollywood stuff like that.

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL:
#6. “Yo Mama’ so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.” And that was our show for Tuesday May 4, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!


Good News: Bad News.

First the bad news. This may be my last issue of the Wahoo Gazette.

And now the good news: I just received an e-mail from the former Attorney General of Nigeria. It seems my name popped up in some financial deal over there and I’m in line to receive millions of dollars. All I have to do is send some of my financial records to him so he can transfer the funds into my account. So if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, smile a smile my way. I’ll be vacationing in Hawaii. So long, LATE SHOW!

CONSPIRACY ALERT! CONSPIRACY ALERT!

I don’t watch the American Idol show. What I know about the show is for business reasons only. Last week was the big Jennifer Husdon/John Stevens fiasco. Few thought Jennifer should have been voted out instead of John Stevens, but she was. A big controversy ensued. The show had to think of some way to get rid of John Stevens. What to do? Hey! How about Latin Music Night! It was evident that the 16-year-old John did not have the inner-beat to adequately perform the hot Latin music, so he was doomed to fail. He was voted off immediately following his Gloria Estefan number. And what was John’s strength? The standards; specifically Sinatra. So what music is performed the very week following John Stevens’ dismissal? THE STANDARDS! John Steven’s strength!

I imagine the American Idol newsgroup is running wild with this.

Cinco de Mayo celebrates the victory of the heavily outnumbered Mexican Army over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1862.