After Dave relaxes behind the desk, he tells once again of his obsessive compulsion to watch that American Chopper show on the Discovery Channel. That’s the show with the Teutel’s, Paul Sr. and Jr., in their never ending quest to create new and exciting motorcycles. Every night there’s a problem, such as the front forks being late, or there’s a problem with the welder, and the big question of whether the bike will get built or not. The old guy, Paul Sr., does nothing but yell at those working around him, “Is the bike ready yet?” “It’s the only thing he does”, says Dave.

Let’s take a moment right now to picture those on the American Chopper show quick-dialing the LATE SHOW requesting a copy of what Dave just said. And now let’s picture the guys at OCC putting that on a loop so they can play it over and over and over again in the garage every time Paul Sr. begins to bellow.

Now back to our show.

Dave loves the show and admits he could watch it 24 hours a day. He adds that many episodes deal with the trouble welding the gas tank in place. Dave finishes by saying that on last night’s show, Will Smith made an appearance. Dave will ask him about it later when Will is on.

Come to think of it, we at the LATE SHOW are much like those at “American Chopper.” Each night we struggle to put a show together and often times we have trouble with a piece or part or the welder doesn’t show up in time.

We make a quick trip to Hello Deli to say hello to the most famous Broadway restaurateur since Toots Shor. Dave asks Rupert if he prefers “business” or “bidness.” The old-fashioned Mr. Jee sides with “business.” After some small talk, Dave sends Rupert outside to find the best contestant available. As Rupert is about to make his way out, Dave warns, “No duds! What is our motto, Rupert?” Rupert answers, “No duds.”

Were you like me? Were you thinking “Milk Duds”?

We come back to Dave who thinks he may have uncovered something that may hurt the Kerry Campaign. Dave feels he caught him in a lie, and he has the clip to prove it. It’s something he calls, “John Kerry Lie.”

We see the Democratic nominee in front of a cheering crowd. He shouts, “Cleveland rocks!”

And then on the other side of the aisle, Dave uncovered a clip showing what George W. Bush has planned for Iraq, in something called, “George W. Bush Unveils His Plan for Iraq.”

We cut to a clip of the President staring blankly into space. He has a stiff smile and a somewhat frightened look in his eye. Ten seconds pass, and nothing. Just staring, smiling. And that’s what the President has planned.

Dave calls out our good friend Biff Henderson. Biff sits and introduces a piece in which he calls “Celebrity Look-Alikes” but what everyone else calls “Biff Henderson Looks For Celebrities.” Out on the streets of New York, Biff finds:
- Brad Pitt
- Barbara Walters
- Lenny Kravitz
- Dean Martin – the Dean celebrity sings a few notes from “That’s Amore.”
- Former Yankee David Wells
- Yankee Manager Joe Torre
- Whoopi Goldberg, who happens to be standing in front of Madame Toussand’s Wax Museum.
- Ryan Seacrest
- Little Richard
- Liza Minnelli – who sings “New York, New York.” (I think)
- Wolf Blitzer
- LATE SHOW stagehand Kenny Sheehan. Camera pans over to find the guy standing next to the actual Kenny Sheehan.
- A guy who works at Biff’s Blockbuster – split screen the guy from the street and Biff’s Blockbuster guy.
- Dave Letterman – a very old guy
- John Kerry – actually, a horse.
- Melissa Rivers – actually, another horse.

Only in New York can you find so many celebrities.

To finish off the ACT 1, we head back to the Hello Deli. Rupert has found a Jesse Truscotte of Melbourne, Australia. She’s in America for a month studying art. Dave is more interested in things that can kill you in Melbourne. Dave begins to list some:
- sharks
- spiders
- snakes

Jesse jumps in with “winter.” - dingoes
- kangaroos.

Does Rupert have any questions for Jesse? Rupert, the cool dude, says, “Uhhh, no.”

Dave whispers to Rupert, “Ask her if she’s in town on business?” Rupert turning on his suave switch, asks, “Are you in town on bidness?”

And we learn that there are no losers at Rupert’s Hello Deli. What do we have? A Hello Deli deli platter.

And that was our ACT 1. No, there was nothing wrong with your sets.

With the Baseball All-Star game Tuesday night, Alan Kalter asked if he could give his baseball midseason report.

Alan: “With the midseason classic already upon us, let’s take a look at some of the big surprises of the 2004 season. From Lou Piniella steering the perennial bottom-dwellers, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, to a respectable 3 games under .500, to the Mets finding themselves in the thick of the battle of the NL East, from Roger Clemens’ dominance to the young arms of San Diego catapulting them to . . .”

A concerned Dave asks Alan what that was all about.

Alan mutters, “Dave, let’s just say I owe a lot of money to some very bad people.”

Dave noticed the same think we all did, but only he thought of mentioning it. Dave says he was very impressed with the beating delivered to Alan, especially the final kick to the knee. An amazed Dave says to Alan, “He came this close to actually kicking you in the knee.” We see a replay of the fight and we indeed see the kick coming quite a bit short. I laughed at the call back of the fight scene.

Like so many other things in life, the Baseball All-Star game doesn’t seem as interesting as it once did. Perhaps it’s the interleague play. Perhaps it’s the free agency and players forever changing Leagues.

WILL SMITH: star and producer of the film, I, Robot. It opens this Friday. Dave mentions that he saw Will on the American Chopper show the night before. Will was proud to be a part of the program, as they prepared a bike for the film. Unfortunately, Will admits to feeling a bit feminine around the burly, mustachioed mechanics.

Dave has seen I, Robot and was impressed. He indelicately asked, “Is it out yet?” Will, the producer, was somewhat disappointed in Dave’s question but then Dave explained he had an early screening and with all the excited hype surrounding the picture, it seemed as if it had already been released. Will describes the film as scary, yet tender and emotional. Dave hints that there is something “hinky” with the robots. In the movie, the robots must live by three basic rules:

1. The robots cannot harm any human
2. they must obey all orders given by a human, unless it conflicts with rule #1.
3. the robot must at all time defend itself, unless it conflicts with rules #1 and 2.

I have a theory but I won’t reveal it here. It’s a Twilight Zone kind of thing.

What I found most interesting about the description of the movie was it took place in Chicago in the year 2035, 30 years from now, and everybody owns their own robot. That didn’t bother me. What I found to be a stretch of the truth was in the clip we saw. Will Smith is driving his car at a great speed between two big rigs through a tunnel. Where was the traffic? Those 3 vehicles were the only ones on the road? In Chicago? Come on now. Sure, you can paint as rosy a picture as you want when writing about the future, but no traffic? Too good to be believed. Sorry. Nice try. Will. Let me guess, in the next scene Will parks his car right in front of the restaurant he has reservations for.

Will is about to finish building his dream house, a 1-year project that has taken 7. Why so long? Because when you are in charge of the construction, you are responsible for everything. For instance, the builder showed Will a book containing 1000 different type of screws. He asked Will, “What kind of screw do you want in your light switches?” There is a question for everything. So after Will decides, a few days later wife Jada will ask, “Why are those screws in the light switches?” Sounds about right.

Dave asks about the film Will’s wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is in with Tom Cruise. Any romantic scenes? Dave says he wouldn’t be comfortable with his wife in a romantic scene with Tom Cruise. The confident Mr. Smith shows off his massively built arms and fabulous gluteus maximus and says they are great insurance against the insecurities.

ACT 5: “For tickets to the Mike Douglas Show, send a postcard to:

The Mike Douglas Show
CBS Television City
7800 Beverly Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90036.

You never know what’s going to happen on the Mike Douglas Show. Join the fun! We’ll be right back.”

JET: from Australia, Jet performed “Rollover DJ” from their debut platinum CD Get Born.

I liked it. It had an early 70’s Rock and Roll/Black Crows/Lenny Kravitz sound to it.

To conclude the show, a bloodied and battered Alan presents roses to an unknown and unexplained woman.

And that was our show for Tuesday July 13, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Another testimonial to the front vent window found in cars of yesteryear.

Over the dark week, I rented Beethoven for the kiddies, that movie with the big Saint Bernard. It was my first time seeing it as well, and was surprised to see it not only starred Charles Grodin and Bonnie Hunt, but included Oliver Platt, Stanley Tucci, Patricia Heaton, and David Duchovny. My girls really enjoyed the movie, especially the scene where the no-gooders Heaton and Duchovny were dragged through the neighborhood by Beethoven. And then much to my surprise, I saw in the credits that the song “Roll Over Beethoven” was performed by Paul Shaffer and the World’s Most Dangerous Band.

After the girls went to bed, I watched Citizen Kane. Orson Welles kept reminding me of Robert Goulet.

From Cindy F. of Corvina, California:

“Back in the days when I didn't smoke in my mother’s car, you could open the side air vents and the smoke and the ashes from the cigarette, any kind, would be neatly sucked out thru the vent.”

And now something heard during the opening act at the Wahoo Nightclub-A-Go-Go.

“Yankee 1st baseman Jason Giambi has been complaining about a parasite infecting his body.

Parasite: an organism that feeds off another organism while contributing nothing to the survival of the host.

Coincidentally, that’s exactly what Jason Giambi has been to the Yankees this year.

Do you hear that knocking knocking knocking sound? That’s Pat Riley pounding on the door of the Miami Heat trying to get back in.

Note to Kobe Bryant: Sign with the Denver Nuggets. Let the jury picture you playing for their team.

Dennis Rodman participated in the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Fortunately for him, he received no new body piercings.”

It was fun to watch the All-Star game, but neither team’s lineup was as stacked as the Yankees.