Dave and Paul were discussing things in the dressing seconds before the show and Dave was surprised about Paul's new venture. Apparently, Paul is involved in a new bag line. He is designing and producing hand bags for ladies . . . . and for kids. Paul enthusiastically explains his venture, referring to his bags as being Red Carpet Ready. How jazzed is Paul over his bag line? "If it weren't for my bag line, I'd probably be on the (west) coast now. It's the only thing keeping him here." The price range? From casual for the kids, to Red Carpet Ready. So if you're expecting to be walking a red carpet in the near future, check out Paul's Red Carpet Ready bag line. A great promoter, Paul is able to get in "Red Carpet Ready" and "bag line" a bevy of times before Dave tires of the talk. As I watched this unfold, I first thought it was a joke, then I thought it was actual, then I thought it a joke again. Now, I'm not sure. Paul sold it so well I couldn't tell if he really has a bag line or not.

Have you been watching the U.S. Open? Some great tennis between the storms. I was watching a trio of commentators discussing the day's events when some rain must have seeped into the electrical system. As one commentator was making a point, John McEnroe suddenly burst to smithereens in a shocking electrical mishap. One of the other commentators glances over, barely noticing the now missing McEnroe.

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY: "When I'm president, we're gonna shut that loophole, and no American will ever / go to college."

President Bush is having a hard time agreeing on the debate demands. He wants 2. Kerry wants 3. Nader will take as many as he can get. Bush made his demands known in this announcement.

"President Bush wants to engage in a lively, informative debate with his opponent. But the president does have some specific demands.
1. He and Senator Kerry should be seated.
2. All questions should be posed by a moderator, as opposed to audience members in a town hall format.
And lastly,
3. All questions must be about Tex-Mex food and rasslin'.
President Bush -- intelligent leadership."

New York-Presbyterian is one of the finest Health Care Facilities in the nation. The hospital is about to announce their One Billion Dollar Capital Campaign.
The funds will go towards bringing the latest medical innovations and technology to the hospital to strengthen its treatment of cancer, heart disease, and neurological illness. The hospital has already raised $570 million towards their goal of $1 billion.

ALAN KALTER'S CLASSROOM FUN HOUSE: In honor of schools around the nation opening this week, we debuted a brand new educational segment, entitled, "Alan Kalter's Classroom Fun House."
ALAN: "Thanks, Dave. Hey, kids! Today, with the help of my little friend Squeaky the Squirrel here (raises palm as if a graphically-produced squirrel is sitting in his hand), we're going to learn all about our Presidents! Are you excited, Squeaky? (looks down at his empty palm) Yeah, me too."
(slightly singing) "First came George Washington
He cut down that cherry tree.
Then there was Adams
Avoided war with France, did he.
Jefferson was next, you see
We're all created equal said he.
Along came Madison . . . uhh
He stood . . . what? Huh?"
(Alan looks off camera as someone gets his attention)
"What? Huh? No cartoon squirrel?" (Alan points to his palm where the cartoon squirrel was supposed to have been placed through graphics. Alan is not pleased) "I was told there was supposed to be a cartoon squirrel sitting right here in my palm! Where the 'givl' is Squeaky! So I've been sitting her for the past few minutes looking at nothing, like a complete moron . . . and nobody thought to tell me until I made a complete jackass of myself in font of all these people. Well, that's wonderful. This place is run like an amateur whorehouse, Dave!"
Alan bolts out of his chair and exits with enough anger for everybody.

RAY ROMANO: Some things we learned: Ray learned to surf in Rockaway Beach in Queens, New York. At one time he rode the subway with a surf board. Now, you would think this would be an odd sight in a New York City subway, but c'mon, it's a New York City subway. Nothing odd about it at all. Across from him was a guy with . . . half a cello. A guy in a New York City subway with a surfboard is normal.

"Everybody Loves Raymond" was nominated for 9 Emmy Awards. Each of the stars earned a nomination, except one was snubbed. That's right. No Emmy nomination for Ray this year. Not to fret. Ray likens himself to Dave, saying, "It's OK. I don't do this for a trophy!" He does it for all the extra grab-ass.

Ray spent a week vacationing in St. Martin not too long ago. He and his wife were there with another couple. It was a big sprawling hotel. One day the wives went one way, Ray and his pal went another. The boys enjoyed a stay at the spa, which was about 200 yards from the hotel. The temperature was hovering around 105 degrees. After a while, they had enough and soon started to make it back to the hotel. About halfway back, Ray noticed his friend had some water for his wife. "Dang it," Ray thought, "now I have to get MY wife some water." Ray looked at back at the long walk back to the spa and sighed a disappointing sigh. So hot. So far. Ray's friend noticed the dilemma Ray was in and did what any true friend would do . . . . he dumped the water. Ray liked that and wished all men would do things like that. It keeps all men on an even playing field. If none of us set the bar too high for other men, we can live a nice comfy life. If we start out-nicing each other, it will become a life-long struggle.

How's the family? Ray says he spent some time with his folks in the city not too long ago. It was a really nice evening; wonderful dinner, weather perfect, good movie. Near the end of the night, Ray and his dad were standing just outside the lobby of the hotel. Just the two of them, not really saying much. Looking out at the city activity on this wonderful night, Ray's dad says suddenly, "One day all this will be under water."

With "Everybody Loves Raymond" in its last season, the producers are aware they have to strike now if they want a big score with the fans. Now on sale on DVD is the complete first season of "Everybody Loves Raymond." And a book, "Everybody Loves Raymond: Our Family Album", or something like that. It's photos and recaps of all the shows starting from Year 1. It's either in stores now or will be soon. Ask your local dealer who vends that sort of thing.

PAT AND KENNY READ OPRAH TRANSCRIPTS - If you're a fan of "The Oprah Winfrey Show," you know that you can write in and order written transcripts form any Oprah episode. We recently did just that and tonight our stagehands Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan performed part of the transcripts on our show. In this episode, Oprah welcomes celebrity guest,
Pat plays the part of Oprah.
Kenny plays the part of Halle Berry.
Every time I watch Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I find it hilarious. Why, I don't know. It's just two guys reading a transcript from the Oprah show. No jokes. No hijinks. Just a straight read. It reminds me of how the short-lived comedy/variety show "The Wilton North Report" first did something similar on their show some years back. Either Wilton or North, I don't remember which, would read Elvis Presley song lyrics. They would stand in front of a podium, and all stoic-like, read the lyrics. Hearing the words spoken in a deadpan manner by Wilton or North instead of being sung by Elvis Presley made for great comedy. Pat and Kenny Reading Oprah Transcripts reminds me of the Wilton North Report bit.

ACT 5: This is a Late Show Reminder.
The deadline for filing your 2004 income taxes is just 218 days away. H&R Block has a staff of highly-trained tax professionals available year round to suit all your tax preparation needs. Visit hrblock.com to find the H&R Block location nearest you! The April 15, 2005 deadline will be here before you know it.
This has been a Late Show Reminder. Tell your friends!

AVRIL LAVIGNE: She's sold over 20 million albums. From her current CD, "Under My Skin," Avril performed "Happy Ending."

And that was our show for Thursday, September 9, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Nearly 4 inches of rain fell on Central Park yesterday. It was so wet, this morning on my way in to work I saw a squirrel wringing his nuts.

Yesterday was the 500th Anniversary of the creation of the statue "David." And this morning, the FCC slapped a half million dollar fine on Michelangelo.

I was watching a bit of the "Joey" last night on NBC. More listening than watching, actually, as it played behind me as I typed this up. Was it any good? I don't know, but I could tell they hired that laugher for the audience, the same guy who used to sit in the studio audience for "Cheers." The guy has a distinct laugh and somehow he is always the first one to get the joke, as if he knows the joke is coming before it gets there. His laugh encourages the rest of the studio audience to laugh along. I don't know. I don't watch much TV so maybe I'm wrong but I've heard that laugh on a few other shows. The guy finds the jokes a bit too funny to be believed.

Yesterday I mentioned what I like in a waiter/waitress as opposed to what CNN Money magazine suggested a waiter should do to maximize tips. I strongly disagreed with what they believed works.
From yesterday's September 8, 2004 Wahoo Gazette:
1. Smile at the customer. Sure, can't hurt.
2. Hello, my name is ... Uhh, no. I'm not all that interested. I'll only need your name if you are inadequate, such as, "Hey, Suzie, where's my drink?"
3. Squat next to the table. No, you're getting too close to me. Stand over there and I'll tell you what I want. I don't like "too close."
4. Repeat customers' orders. This may work, simply because it ensures the waiter/waitress gets the order correctly.
5. Upsell. The bigger the bill, the bigger the tip. This works. It's why they push the drinks before the meal and the desserts afterwards.
6. Give customers candy. Gosh, I hope this doesn't really work on people, but I'm sure it does.
7. Call customers by name. No. See number 3. I don't want the waiter/waitress getting too close to me. I'm not a snob. I just don't people all that much.
8. Casually touch customers. Yech.
9. Draw smiley faces on checks. Yech.
10. Forecast good weather. Yech.

Here's my suggestions to ensure a large tip.
1. Get it right
2. Get it quick.
3. Be polite, but make sure you make me aware that what you are doing is hard work. It's what you do for a living, it's what you do to pay the rent and put food on your table. Don't make it sound like happy fun, "gee whiz isn't it a nice day, here's some candy, and it's a joy to serve you, Skippy." If waiting tables appears to be so much fun, you would make me think the reward is in the serving.

Wahoo readers responded:
Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin:

I went to Applebees once. The food wasn't bad but the waitress squatted down, folded her arms on the table and laid her head on her arms so she'd be looking up at me as I ordered. I haven't been back. I've been told they still do this. It was a long time ago and I suppose maybe the waitress now writes articles for CNN Money

You are so right on the waiter/waitress issue. I agree on every point. The Suwanskis went to Chicago for my daughter Jill's birthday last weekend. Whilst there, we went to a fun '50's-style restaurant called Ed Dibevic's. Out of work actors wait the tables, or so it seems. They mouth off to you every chance they get, but are funny about it. Their trademark logo is "Eat and Get Out." I can appreciate that. But then came the time that our waitress put a paper hat on everyone's head. It had nothing to do with the birthday. It's their thing -- the '50's short-order cook hat. I went with the flow and let her do it, but was not thrilled.