Dave performs some pencil-flipping tricks at the top of the show; flipping and catching. After a few attempts, success. He does it again later.

The above isn’t really all that noteworthy but it’s the type of thing that a writer will be looking for days, months, or years from now. My putting it in the Wahoo Gazette is just another means for my searching and finding Dave performing this bit of fun.

Dave billboards tonight’s program and mentions Maria Menounos credits on the blue card. This is what the Opening Billboard blue card looked like.

Opening Billboard

Ethan Hawke (film – “Assault on Precinct 13” – opens January 19th; Off-Broadway revival – “Hurlyburly” – previews begin January 11th)

Maria Menounos (host of “ET on MTV” and “ET on VH-1”; WB TV – “One Tree Hill”)

Alicia Keys (CD – “The Diary of Alicia Keys”)

It’s Tuesday so you know it’s time for “Tuesdays with Rupert.” Dave asks Rupert how business was on New Year’s Eve. Rupert says he was closed. Dave is in disbelief. He tells Rupert he had a million people outside his store for the big ball drop. He could have made a killing selling his goods. Following the scolding, Dave tells Rupert to go outside and find a contestant for tonight’s game. Meanwhile, Dave has a show to put on.

Martha Stewart has been in prison for some time now but will be released in a short while. Upon her release, she’ll be starring in a brand new show. Dave thinks this will be a major hit as she covers stories about being in the slammer. She’ll have on her prison buddies and talk about life in the gray bar hotel. Stay-at-home housewives love nothing more than prison-talk. She’ll be up against Oprah and Dave thinks Martha will be the big new star in that time slot. And speaking of Martha, Dave saw a strange commercial about the difficulties of living up to your New Year’s resolutions. He brought it with him to show us.

“Martha Stewart regrets that she’s already broken two of her New Year’s resolutions. Last night she used pepper from a shaker instead of fresh-ground. And this morning she stabbed a rival gang member in the prison laundry. Hopefully these lapses won’t happen again.
An apology to her fans from Martha Stewart.

“NBC Monday is more suspenseful than ever with the new drama ‘Medium.’ A mild-mannered mother by day, a supernatural sleuth by night, Allison Dubois solves the crimes no one else can --- by talking to the dead. Don’t miss the next star-studded episode as Allison gets clues from special dead guest stars Dwight Eisenhower, Lorne Greene, and Yasser Arafat. ‘Medium’, Mondays at 10/9 central, only on NBC.”

Have you heard that Donald Trump is coming out with a line of hair-care products? I know. . . . Dave can’t believe it, either. Dave likens Trump selling hair-care products to George W. Bush publishing a dictionary. We take a look at the commercial for the new Trump Shampoo for Men.

“Finally, you don’t have to be a billionaire to look like one.
Introducing Donald Trump’s signature line of shampoo, specially formulated for men over 40.
Here’s how it works:
First, work up a rich lather. (photo)
Next, remove hairpiece and place it in your dishwasher (photo of Trump wig in dishwasher)
Then, once the rinse cycle is complete, put hairpiece back on and pretend you don’t look like a total jackass.
The new Donald Trump line of hair-care products, in fine stores everywhere.”

Sarah works for the World Bank and travels between here and Washington quite a bit.

Tonight we are playing “Guess The Puddle.” Outside of Rupert’s is a puddle. Sarah must determine what the puddle consists of.

Dave asks Alan what we are playing for tonight.

Alan: “Dave, it’s a brand new rice cooker!”
And what is in tonight’s “Guess The Puddle”?
Alan: “Oatmeal.”

Back to Rupert and Sarah. We see the puddle on a monitor on Rupert’s counter. Sarah asks if she could go outside to get a better look at the actual puddle. Sarah goes outside and examines the puddle. Then, horrors, she bends down and touches the puddle. Now that’s something a native New Yorker would never do. Time is up. What does Sarah think is in the puddle? Sarah: “I think we’re looking at some kind of oatmeal.” We have a winner! Congratulations, Sarah. For participating in Guess The Puddle, Sarah wins some stuff.

And that’s how we play “Guess the Puddle.”

Have you ever watched the Oprah show? After her show on the Oxygen Network, she has another show called, “Oprah After The Show.” It’s a look at what just happened on Oprah and there is a continued discussion on the topic. It’s a lot more laid back and relaxed. We know a good thing when we see it so we decided to steal the idea. Tonight is our second installment of “LATE SHOW After The Show.” We show a clip.

We see an overhead shot of the empty stage and audience. Soon, a gentleman enters, nude, buffing the floor. And that’s what it’s like at the LATE SHOW after the show.

TOP TEN: Signs You’re On A Bad Diet – a University of Pennsylvania study has found that most major weight-loss program do not end in success.
#9. You’re told to replace food with crack (actually for weight loss, this is successful)
#6. You’re sweating cottage cheese. (Dave asks Paul, “Wasn’t that your big disco hit in thee 70s?”)
#2. It’s the Atkins Diet - - - - The Chet Atkins Diet. (Paul likes this one, stating, “It’s a musician’s joke. For musicians over 60.”)

ETHAN HAWKE: He’s starring in the January 19th release of Assault on Precinct 13. Does Ethan have any resolutions for the new year? He has a few. One of his favorite all-time resolutions was one his sister made many years ago. Her resolution was “to take cheerleading more seriously.” Dave’s resolution is to use the word “Snarky” more.

Ethan has an older brother in the Special Forces. Ever since they were kids, Ethan and his brother would play Green Beret/Special Forces. He remembers having toy guns in their toy shoulder holsters while visiting Washington DC. They’d pretend to be looking for Communists. Now, his brother is doing it for a living.

Ethan is a sports fan and leans heavy towards the New York Knicks. He admits his interest in the Knickerbockers has waned of late but did go to a game recently in hopes to be revitalized. Unfortunately, the Knicks lost by 50.

What does Ethan think about George Steinbrenner and the Yankees? Ethan applauds Steinbrenner’s desire to succeed. He SHOULD try to win at all costs. It’s the capitalistic system. When did everyone getting a fair shake and evenly distributed become acceptable in America? That’s Communism!

Ethan’s film, Assault on Precinct 13 opens January 19th. It’s a cop/shoot’em up film. Dave It involves dirty cops. Dave then apologizes, fearing he may have given away an important part of the story. Paul jumps in and says he was thinking of going to see the movie but now he’s changed his mind since he knows the ending. Ethan laughingly says there’s more to it than that. We see a clip of a tense police station scene. Does anybody drop the gun? You’ll have to wait till January 19th.

MARIA MENOUNOS: She’s a correspondent on Entertainment Tonight, the host of ET on MTV and ET on VH-1 and appears on the WB TV’s One Tree Hill. I missed most of the interview as I was distributing a new ACT 5 inspired by something that happened earlier in the show. Coming back to the shack, I heard a big roar of laughter from the audience. When I finally got back to a monitor, I saw and heard Maria laugh in her machine gun/goat-like manner. The audience laughed again and figured this was what they laughed at the first time. Hey, good for Maria. It worked for Eddie Murray and Fran Drescher. Dave says about her laugh, referring back to something that happened earlier in the segment that I missed, “I wonder if you could get that fixed?”

ACT 5: If you’d like Dave to blow the big surprised ending to your blockbuster Hollywood film, come on down and appear on the LATE SHOW. We’ve got plenty of openings. And don’t forget to bring a clip! Maybe Dave can screw that up too!
The Late Show: Burning Bridges Since 1993.
We’ll be right back.

ALICIA KEYS: Her CD, The Diary of Alicia Keys has been nominated for 8 Grammy Awards. From this very successful album, Alicia Keys performed “Karma.”

And that was our show for Tuesday January 4, 2005 Wahoo EXTRA!

And that’s not all. Now it’s being reported that Bernard Kerik, when younger, didn’t repeat when shampooing.

How’s this for a coincidence . . . on the morning of January 1, I tipped the scales at 200.5 pounds.

So I was in the other room during last night’s halftime show of the USC/Oklahoma Orange Bowl BCS Championship game. I’m not sure, maybe you can help me out, but it sounded like Roseanne Barr performed.

I was rooting for USC until I realized a win would make OJ happy.

I was watching the Top 100 Moments on TV the other night. In the top ten was the guy in Tiananmen Square in China standing in front of a tank refusing to let it advance. It was a great show of courage. The host talked about that moment with great gravitas and awe. Next on the list, was the I Love Lucy episode where she and Ethel were wrapping, eating, and shoving chocolates down their shirts as the chocolates proceeded on the conveyor belt. I laughed when the host spoke of that moment with the same gravitas and awe as when he spoke about the man in Tiananmen Square. I guess if they were both on TV, they both must be important.

As I was watching Regis doing his New Year Rockin’ Eve thing the other night, Secretary of State Colin Powell was on hand to press the button to start the descent of the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball. I said to myself, “Sure, Colin Powell claims it’s New Year’s Eve, but can I believe him?”

The other day I talked about going Christmas shopping at the 2nd biggest mall in the country in West Nyack, New York. I received this from Wahoo reader, Mark McConnell:

“I read where you went to the ‘2nd biggest (mall) in the country, after the Mall of America in Minnesota.’ That's funny, because so did I.
And unless you went to the mall in King of Prussia, PA, I suspect that one of us was duped. And that got me thinking...how many malls in the USA claim to be the 2nd biggest mall in America? It's not as if we're all waiting for Guiness Book of World Records to come verify the claim. Somewhere in Arkansas, some poor soul probably thinks the strip mall attached to his local Wal-Mart is the 2nd largest mall in America.”

For the last month and a half, I’ve felt as if I was two days away from getting the flu. Something’s been hanging around in my body that is making me drag. I never felt sick, but I always felt as if I would be in a couple days. Something was coming but I wasn’t sure what or when. Well, I woke up Monday morning and now it feels like I’m one day away from the flu. Wheezy cough, a slight fever, feeling sluggish. I woke up Tuesday and I felt as if it was a half-day away. I was in the fast lane on my way to a few days in bed. Now, Tuesday afternoon, I’m feeling better, as if I’ll be sick in two days.

Of course I meant Scalia, not Rehnquist.

Yesterday I said how glad I was when Cowboy Coach Bill Parcells decided to squib the kickoff against the Giants with less than 2 minutes left when they were leading by 3 points. As a Giant fan, I was very pleased with Parcells’ stupid decision. I received this from a Wahoo reader named Cary from Fort Worth.

“My husband says the Cowboy player was injured is why it looked like a squib kick. His last 2 kicks were bad kicks and he grabbed his leg because of his injury.”

But let’s check out the box score. Cowboy kicker Billy Cundiff kicked a 45-yard field goal to end the 1st half. Seems like he had a healthy leg there. He kicked off once in the 3rd quarter following a touchdown. And then the squib in the 4th quarter was his only other kick. Let me look into this some more.

At the end of the 2nd quarter, Cundiff kicked a 45 yard field goal.
To start the 3rd Quarter, his kickoff went 60 yards to the Giants 10 yard line.
Following a touchdown in the 3rd Quarter, his kickoff went 58 yards to the Giants 12.
His two kicks in the 1st half traveled 56 yards and 63 yards.
The week before, his kickoffs traveled 63 yards, 61 yards, and 66 yards.

Was Cundiff’s leg injured? His kickoffs on Sunday seemed pretty consistent throughout the day. Who knows?