Dave singing “Let The Eagles Soar” – can it get any better than this?

Have you heard the great Mars discovery? Ice has been found! And NASA has indisputable footage proving the discovery. We see a shot of the angry red planet. And right there if you look closely, you can see a refrigerated ice machine dispensing ice. Gee, maybe there is life on Mars.

I think we better check on our Quality Control team.

More of the phone conversations recorded by that Doug Wead guy has been released. Bush was in his Texas Governor’s office during these conversations where he liked to go to roll up a giant joint and phone this guy. He’d huff down the spliff (?) Dave admits to not knowing what he is talking about, then proceeds. Dave was surprised this piece of audio was released. The President is sure to get hit on this pretty hard.

Dave Wead: "You seem to imply that you've used illegal drugs in the past. Do you think you'll ever go back to them?"
The President: "I think I will. It doesn't matter if it's LSD, cocaine, pot. Any of those things. And ... I mean that."

We see “The Gates” and lo and behold, Christo and Jeanne-Claude made Gates for the city rats, too!

Paul says the rats and the Gates made him think of a Skinner box. I smiled, thinking about the Skinner box and Operant conditioning.

CHARTS AND GRAPHS – Charts and Graphs is fun. Some of my favorites:
Do you think Iran or North Korea poses the greater nuclear threat?
19% Iran
24% North Korea
57% Can’t decide until government offers some phony evidence

U.S. Roller Coaster Ridership, 1950-2004
See a graph that rises and dips like a roller coaster

Where dumb guys try to buy fruit
53% - Apple.com
47% - Banana Republic

Favorite Baseball Cliches
57% - “We’re going to give 110%”
31% - “You play one game at a time”
12% - “I thought it was a multi-vitamin”

Back from commercial, Dave reads some other terms that equate to smoking a maryjane:
Smoke a bone
Blaze a J
Light a Fatty
Torch a Blunt
Roll a Doobie
Spark a Roach
Call Dr. Cheeba (Huh?)

MICHAEL J. FOX: Receives a well-deserved sustained applause from the audience. Dave asks Michael if he could tell a hockey story he’s never gotten the chance to tell on the show before. It was a celebrity hockey game at the Boston Garden against Boston Bruin Alumni. Before the game, Boston great and God Bobby Orr came into the celebrity dressing room and introduced himself to Michael. They spoke a bit and then Bobby Orr left. Celebrity coach George Wendt asked, “Michael, what did Bobby Orr say to you?” Fox admits to not remembering a thing, being too thrilled simply to be in the presence of the great Bobby Orr. The game begins and Michael J. Fox has the puck behind his own goal. He brings it up ice and who is waiting for him but the great Bobby Orr. Michael dekes left, dekes right, gets around the great Bobby Orr and flies ahead to score a goal. On the bench afterwards, Michael is so darn elated. “I got around Bobby Orr and scored a goal! I faked out Bobby Orr!” Only later did it dawn on him what Bobby Orr said to him in the locker room; that the first time Michael touched the puck the great Bobby Orr would let himself to be faked out and let Michael go around. Oh well, for a few minutes in his mind anyway, Michael deked out a Hall of Famer. Does Michael still play in the celebrity charity games? Yes, and he nearly broke his ass bone the last time out. Michael is dad to 4 kids, the youngest being 3 years old. He took her skiing recently and a ski instructor took her up the chair lift and down the bunny hill. Looking back, Michael says he HOPES it was a ski instructor. All Michael knew was the guy was wearing an orange coat. Michael says you get a little more casual with your kids the more you have.

I’ve been told this:
With your first baby, when you drop the pacifier on the ground you boil it clean before putting it back in your baby’s mouth. With your second baby, you run it under hot water before putting it back in your baby’s mouth.

With your third baby, you wipe it off on your pants before putting it back in your baby’s mouth.

You can see Michael in the CBS TV movie, Saving Milly, about the wife of political pundit Morton Kondracke. She came down with Parkinson’s disease and Morton wrote a book about how it changed their lives, how they coped, and how they tried to beat it. Sadly, she passed away. Michael J. Fox wrote the foreword to the book and it has since been made into a Made-For-TV movie to be seen on Sunday March 13th. In the movie, Michael appears at the end in a Public Service Announcement. In 1998, Michael publicly disclosed he had been diagnosed with young-onset Parkinson’s disease 7 years earlier. In 2000, he created the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research. The Foundation is dedicated to the development of a cure for Parkinson’s Disease within the decade. To date, the Foundation has raised over $50 million. To learn more about Michael, about Parkinson’s, and about the Foundation, check out his website at:
www.michaeljfox.org.

Back from commercial, Dave reads another marijuana-smoking term.
“Choking the Chicken”
Oops! Dave has the wrong list. That means something completely different.

And now it’s time for Alan Kalter’s “My Point of View.”

Alan: “Political buffs are abuzz over the news that a friend of George W. Bush’s secretly recorded several of the future President’s phone conversations. The tapes seem to include admissions of past drug use on Mr. Bush’s part. Who among us has never done something reckless, scandalous, even illegal in many states? And who’s never felt the adrenaline rush that comes from knowing the videocamera is rolling as you cast aside all inhibition and give yourself over to your wildest fantasies? And who can honestly say that twenty dollars is too much to pay for a high-quality tape of Alan Kalter, circa 1989, indulging in a wide array of chemical and sensual pleasures with a bevy of beautiful babes in Lake Tahoe? Order your copy today at Kalterworld.com! All major credit cards accepted!”

AMANDA BYNES: I like her. I like her “Amanda” show and I liked her in “All That.” (Nickelodeon, guys.) I haven’t yet seen her on her WB “What I Like About You.” She’s been wanting to be on Dave’s show since she was a kid of 7. Her father and she would prepare stand-up routines for her to perform, mostly just around the house.

Dave: “Oh, you’re father is in show business?”
Amanda: “No. He’s a dentist.”

She eventually performed at “The Laugh Factory” at one of those Comedy Camps . . . or is it Komedy Kamps? From there she got involved in the business of Show.

How does she like New York? She went to see “The Gates” and would have made “The Gates” more than just one color. She went to see Dame Edna earlier today. And she and her dad had a $90 breakfast. $90 for waffles, an omelet, fruit, and cottage cheese. Her dad cried, “My first car payment was $90!” Amanda isn’t just a talented actress. She’s also an artist. She recently painted a portrait of Dave. Dave puts it on the desk and . . . . yeah, I can see Dave in that. It was pretty good, though it looked more like the guy we usually have backstage who kind of looks like Dave.

Amanda Bynes. Keep an eye on her. She’s the new Lucy.

To close the show, we have a final thought from Rupert Jee:

Rupert: "What did we learn tonight? Infidelity is nothing but a cry for help; a test of your love, commitment and, ultimately, trust. And without trust, we have nothing. Take care of yourselves, and each other."

Somebody pointed this out to me. Tuesday was the 22nd and it was show #2324, so we had 22-23-24.

But the big day will be 2 years from now when we are in the area of Show #2700. Will Show #2706 land on February 7, 2006? Only time will tell. Unfortunately next year when we’re in the 2500’s, February 5, 2006 will be a Sunday.

In today’s New York Post – a cab driver ran over one of the Central Park “Gates.” I’m hoping they didn’t get the story from watching our show.

To do get some quick background information on the CBS TV movie Saving Milly, I visited the CBS website. What better place to go, right? “Oooh, look,” I said upon clicking on, “there’s a specific place for CBS movies and specials. I’m going there.”

And what did I find when I clicked? These CBS Movies and Specials were highlighted:
CBS at 75 – It aired November 2, 2003.
Collateral Damage – to air this Sunday, February 27th.
Dr. Phil’s Primetime Special – already aired – February 17th
The Grammy Awards – already aired – February 13th
The Magic of Ordinary Days – already aired - January 30th
One Day at a Time Reunion Special – already aired – February 22nd
People’s Choice Awards – already aired – January 9th
Stone Cold – already aired – February 20th

So there you have it. 8 movies and specials on CBS. The Tiffany Network’s website is promoting 7 that have already aired. Saving Milly on March 13th? – nothing. I had to go elsewhere.

I was going to pitch an ACT 5 joke for tonight’s program but things didn’t quite fall the right way. It would have been titled, “Late Night: The Day They Were Born.” It would have featured tonight’s guest Amanda Bynes. This would have worked if she were an ACT 4 guest, but having her in the 6 wouldn’t make it right.

What does a joke pitch look like? It starts with your name and date at the top, followed by whether it’s an Extra, an ACT 2 or ACT 4 joke, or an ACT 5. And then the title, followed by the script. I knew Amanda Bynes was coming on the program earlier this month so I already had it written up. This is what it looked like.

McIntee
2/23/05

ACT 5 – LATE NIGHT: THE DAY THEY WERE BORN
(art card: Late Night: The Day They Were Born)

ALAN V.O.: It’s time now for “Late Night: The Day They Were Born.”

(adda of Amanda Bynes; chryon “Born: April 3, 1986”)

ALAN V.O.: Amanda Bynes was born April 3, 1986. So what happened on Late Night the day she was born?

(adda of Jeff Altman and Brian Setzer.
Chyron: “April 3, 1986” – stays up throughout)

ALAN V.O.: Dave guests that night were Jeff Altman and Brian Setzer.

(adda of skeleton of a T-Rex.)

ALAN V.O.: Late Night bid farewell to the bones of a Tyranasaurus Rex on loan from the Museum of Natural History.

(graphic: Viewer Mail)

ALAN V.O.: Viewer Mail featured Pete Fatovich as Potatoes and we mourned the death of the singer/slash/actor.

(adda: Steve Jordan)

ALAN V.O.: And it was drummer Steve Jordan’s last appearance on the show as a member of the World’s Most Dangerous Band!

(art card: Late Night: The Day They Were Born)

ALAN V.O.: It all happened the day Amanda Bynes was born. This has been “Late Night: The Day They Were Born.”

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
February 23, 1971 – Boston Bruins begin a then-NHL record of 13 consecutive victories.

www.michaeljfox.org.

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