Sitting in with the band tonight, from New Orleans, musician, composer, and producer, Allen Toussaint. He was in New Orleans during the hurricane. All night long the music was great.

For safety sake, each night we put away the LATE SHOW Bear. Before the show, our trombone player Tom "Bones" Malone asked if he could do the honors tonight. Dave grants his wish and Tom makes his way down to the bear's lair. Tom wisely bought his trombone with him as he used it to beat back the LATE SHOW Bear. Sliding the trombone slide back and forth, "Bones" poked the bear into submission. The bear was only too happy to get behind the door. Nice work, Mr. Malone.

Paul says the band is now calling him, "Bear Bones." Sponsoring the LATE SHOW bear tonight: Kool-Aid. "Kool-Aid. Oh, yeah."

Sorry, but the tagline, "Kool-Aid, Oh yeah" was the best I could do. Go ahead and check out the Kool-Aid site. That's all they have. It's the Kool-Aid Man's catchphrase. "Oh yeah."

The U.S. Open is going on all this week out in Queens. Dave saw something odd during the televised coverage.

Announcer: "The U.S. Open, bought to you by Budweiser, the King of Beers! Office Max, 'What's Your Thing?' and by Russia, supplier of the world's hottest tennis babes! Give Russia a call today and sex up your next tennis tournament."

Announcer: "The United States of America has lost a giant. Listen to what Chief Justice Rehnquist's former colleagues on the Supreme Court had to say about the man who left an indelible impression on this nation's judiciary. Justice Stephen Breyer called him a 'brave, intelligent man.' Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said 'he was the fairest, most efficient boss I have ever had.'
And Antonin Scalia says, 'Bastard always took the last Danish.' William Rehnquist. Farewell, old friend."

Announcer: "In a courageous stand in support of personal liberties, the California state assembly passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. We believe this wouldn't have happened if not for . . . Governor Schwarzenegger's past comments in favor of such unions. We're also happy to see the Governor has begun to get in touch with his inner gay self."
(cut to scene from "Pumping Iron." Arnold with all his huge friends: "Everyone is so huge!")
"Equity California. Come on in, Gov. The water's fine!"

Announcer: "Senator Robert C. Byrd exemplifies the courage, strength, and leadership that defines a statesman. Take a look at some of his accomplishments since becoming Senator over a half century ago. He fought for higher wages for cigarette girls and milkmen. He saw to it that every West Virginian could afford an icebox and a bike with a giant front wheel. And he has received ringing endorsements from Bobby Darin, Fabian, and Art Carney. So 23-skidoo and vote for Robert C. Byrd. He's a jolly good fellow!"

Announcer: "FEMA Director Michael Brown believes he has performed admirably in recent days. To bolster his case, he says he . . . .he then called . . . . and with the . . . . then he made sure . . . . . oh, what a load of horse-djoy.
A message from FEMA and the International Arabian Horse Association."

Announcer: "President Bush reminds Americans that we need to keep a positive attitude during this difficult period. This is not the time to play the 'Blame Game.' Rather, this is time to play . . . . 'Candy Land!' Candy Land is a fun game that's sure to cheer up everyone! A helpful tip from the Bush Administration. We Are Us."

HAROLD LARKIN'S "IS IT TOO SOON TO JOKE ABOUT WILLIAM REHNQUIST?"

Harold: "William Rehnquist was so cheap, the back of his robe read, 'Property of Holiday Inn.'
William Rehnquist was so poor, he couldn't afford to pay attention.
William Rehnquist was so dumb, he put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
So, what do you think? Was it too soon to joke about William Rehnquist? Log onto my website www.haroldlarkin.com. I'm anxious to hear your opinions! And to answer last week's question: 64% of you said no, it was not too soon to joke about Scotty from 'Star Trek,' James Doohan."

TOP TEN: Signs You've Chosen the Wrong College.
Paul went to the University of Toronto. Dave went to Ball State in Muncie, Indiana. The Ball State Fighting Cardinals. The fighting cardinal, the fiercest robin-sized bird. Dave then impersonates a fierce fighting cardinal devouring a worm.

Signs You've Chosen the Wrong College.
#6. The Dean's list salutes students who've slept with the Dean.
#3. "Philosophy" lectures are based on that day's Jerry Springer's Final Thought
#2. Most notable alumnus? FEMA director Michael Brown.

GWYNETH PALTROW: She’s the mom to a 16-month old baby girl, Apple. Dave asks, “Why ‘Apple’?” Gwyneth says it was her husband’s idea, it’s a sweet name, and plus, baby ‘Apple’ is “the apple of our eye.” And if you could see the rosy red cheeks on Apple, you would agree the name is perfect.

Gywneth had a hectic Labor Day weekend. It was supposed to involve a trip to the Venice Film Festival for a screening of her new film, Proof. One hour into the flight the pilot had to turn the plane around because the gauges and instruments were all screwy, giving out all the wrong information. Once back at JFK, Gwyneth realized she wouldn’t be able to get to Venice on time, so she changed plans and headed out to Long Island to meet up with her husband and daughter. Oooh, a drive to Long Island on Labor Day Weekend. A flight to Venice would be quicker. She hires a cab to take her out and soon learns the driver had never been outside New York City and the airports. They got lost (huh? Just go east!) and so they stopped at a 7-11. The driver disappeared for 15 minutes. Probably getting directions and taking care of business. When all was said and done, it wasn’t much of a weekend.

How were her summers as a kid? Go away to camp? She went to camp every summer, but one camp stands out. Unbeknownst to her, and hopefully unbeknownst to her parents, Gwyneth spent the summer at a nudist camp. Oooh, creep city. I guess that kind of mistake can happen before Google. Gwyneth is in the film, Proof. It’s about a 17-year-old’s search for fake I.D. No no no, it is not. It has nothing to do with that. We see a clip. “Proof” opens September 16th.

ALAN KALTER'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW: Alan told Dave before the show that he had something special tonight and would like a moment if it presented itself. Dave obliged out good friend Mr. Kalter.

Alan: (an angry Alan) "You cold-hearted son of a bitch!"Dave: (a bit shocked) "Excuse me?"
Alan: (mocking) "Excuse me? You know damn well what I'm talking about! I've spent months preparing for tonight's episode of 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.' Perhaps you're familiar with my guest: Gwyneth Paltrow?"
(camera widens to reveal Ms. Paltrow standing next to Alan)
"Oh, I forgot, you just spent ten 'givl'-ing minutes asking her every question in the book! 'Oh, tell me about your movie, Gwyneth. Tell my about your baby, Gwyneth. Let me kiss your ass some more, Gwyneth.'"
Dave: (apologizing to Alan and to Gwyneth and to the audience) "I'm sorry."
Alan: "Sure, I'll bet she has all kinds of great stories left over for me." (to Gwyneth) 'Got any hobbies? Ever get bit in the ass by a goat?' Some worthless crap like that? Well, screw you, and screw him, and screw all of you. Go 'givl' yourself!"

And that was Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview. Gwyneth remains, a bit stunned at what transpired.

ACT 5: Music from Allen Toussaint, Paul, and the CBS Orchestra.

HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH - From their brand new CD, "Looking For Lucky," Hootie & The Blowfish performed "One Love." Good sound from a good band. I enjoyed it. And that was our show for Wednesday September 7, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

The “Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview” was written earlier in the day. We asked Gwyneth Paltrow if she would be willing to participate when she arrived for the show. She was shown the script and may have been shown a tape from rehearsal. Lucky for us she agreed to play along. During the taping, I think she may have been a bit startled by Alan’s over-the-top performance. Her feeling of awkwardness and surprise was legitimate. Alan was boffo. Gwyneth played her role perfectly.

Some were asking if Bob Denver had ever been on our show. The bit most were wondering about was a sailing remote we did many years back. Dave and Paul went sailing and under a tarp they found the castaway, Gilligan. It was from October 19, 1995; Show #468. I also made an appearance in that mailbag letter. Paul Shaffer was throwing doughnuts into the water to feed the water animals. Cut to the water off City Island in the Bronx. The Chief Bill Delace, Pat Farmer and myself are in police uniforms swimming and catching the thrown doughnuts.

I took the bus in to work this morning which gave me the chance to do some more reading of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s Frankenstein. I am enjoying the book so much I may have to make time on my own time and keep reading. There’s not a sentence that goes by that I don’t find a word with which I’m familiar in reading but, sadly, not in my own speaking. I often write down words that I would like to add to my language but with Frankenstein it is just about the entire book. It’s the perfect book for my level of reading and understanding at this point in my life. Great book. We got to get Mary Shelley on the show!

FEMA head Michael Brown has come out with a new strategy the next time the agency is needed. Simply go to where the TV cameras are going and get there before them.

So the Director of FEMA Michael Brown is being vilified for being an inept leader and not living up to the expectations the office holds. His qualifications are being seriously questioned. At first glance, it doesn't appear that he had much background in Federal Emergency Management. Prior to joining FEMA, he worked for an International Arabian Horse Association, and he was forced out of that job. Not worthy of the position of Director of FEMA? Probably not, but it's important to realize that if he is unqualified, it's not his fault. He is what he is. For instance, if the LATE SHOW needed a music act for the ACT 6 and they asked me to sing, who’s fault would it be when I tanked? Mine? No. I’m not a good singer. Even if I said I was a good singer, it would be up to someone else to make the decision.

Anybody can say they are the right person for the job. It's the other guy, the guy who does the hiring, who has to say, "Yeah, you are the right person." It's THAT guy, the guy who hires the guy to fill the top position at FEMA; he's the one who is responsible for the inadequacy and inept leadership.

Remember when Roseanne sang the National Anthem before a San Diego Padre game? It wasn’t her fault that she was awful, and I don’t really blame her for grabbing her crotch and spitting like a baseball player at the end of the song. It’s what Roseanne does. It’s who she is. She’s a shocker. The person who hired her to sing the National Anthem, he was the one to blame. Roseanne’s history was well-known enough for any reasonable person to expect such an occurrence. And now Michael Brown’s position as Director of FEMA? If he wasn’t qualified, don’t blame him for not being qualified. It’s the guy who hired him who is at fault.

It’s what got New Jersey Governor McGreevey in so much trouble. He hired his boyfriend to lead the state’s Homeland Security even though he was grossly unqualified. Sheesh! It makes you think it may be time to give a guy like Ralph Nader a chance to clean up all this mess?

Our own Eddie Brill is helping to organize a benefit concert Thursday night to raise money for the displaced families from Hurricane Katrina. The benefit will be held Thursday, September 8th at the Crash Mansion in downtown SoHo, 199 Bowery at Spring Street. A website is also being created to help connect Katrina survivors with their family and friends. Check out the website at:

www.1to1unite.org.

Good luck and thank you, Eddie.