Great news in the Late Show house. Wednesday, February 15th, our executive producer Maria Pope gave birth to a 6 pound, 8 ounce baby girl, Grace Ella Rose. Congratulations to Maria and her family.

Dave can't get enough of this Dick Cheney hunting blunder. It's always fun to see an "I'm right, you're wrong" guy be so wrong. Dave also loves hunting, but finds he often shoots blanks. Nothing wrong with shooting blanks. Sometimes the fun is simply in the journey. Well, Cheney said that before he went out to hunt some quail, he only had one beer. Investigators searched the area and found his empty beer can, and Dave has that beer can with him now. Uh oh, I'm sure you saw this one coming. Dave reaches behind the desk and pulls out a huge enormous Budweiser beer can. Dave points to the huge beer can and says, "This here is big time, top notch comedy." Over a freeze-frame, we hear Alan's announce: "The Late Show reminds you - Everything's Funnier When It's Gigantic! Back to you, Dave.

And the United States snowboarders have been doing a fantastic job in Torino, Italy. Unfortunately, we can't show you footage of the games since they are being broadcast on another network. But we have the next best thing: it's footage of a snowboarding monkey! That darn monkey is pretty good, though he does have the luxury of a low center of balance.

Wednesday, Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff testified before a Senate committee, and today this announcement hit the airwaves.
Announcer:

"Being Director of Homeland Security entails making countless important decisions on a daily basis. The decision-making process can be grueling and exhausting. During Director Chertoff's appearance before a Senate committee yesterday, it became clear what he's been wrestling with, as of late. Here's the Director from a few months ago: (we see a photo of Chertoff in a full beard).
And here's the Director yesterday: (photo of Chertoff with a new thin mustache) He's decided to go . . . . 'just mustache.'
Michael Chertoff. The man. the mustache."

The "facts" are slowly filtering in from Texas over the Cheney/hunting debacle. We've decided to take a look at V.P. Cheney's day to perhaps shed light on to his character and what may have taken place in the Texas brush as they hunted the dangerous quail.

A Day in the Life of Dick Cheney:
6:30 AM - Shoots alarm clock.
8:00 AM - slab of bacon, stack of pancakes, dozen eggs, and a loaf of buttered toast
10:00 AM - heart attack
10:30 AM - takes break from shredding CIA lead documents to shred police report documents
11:00 AM - heart attack
Noon - appears on special Vice Presidential edition of "Cops"
12:30 PM - asks Kobe Bryant what kind of diamond he would buy Harry Whittington
1:00 PM - receives "Hang In There" call from Saddam Hussein who says he accidentally shot thousands of people
1:45 PM - heart attack
2:00 PM - hears voice from Oval Office yelling, "Yee haw! Quittin' time!"
3:00 PM - Kelly Ripa stops by and asks, How much to take out Regis?"
5:00 PM - Excited over FOX News rating, Brit Hume calls to ask how soon Cheney can shoot another guy.

At the end of the Dick Cheney timeline, Dave throws to commercial, but not before a lady in distress cries out from the balcony. Dave sees the disruption and as the band plays into commercial break, Dave and Biff head over to assist the woman hanging . . . . yes, hanging from the balcony. She is helped down from her dangle.

Back from commercial, Dave can't explain the woman's behavior from the balcony. "What the hell is going on here?" is his lament.
And then . . . .
An armed man bursts through the door by the spiral staircase. He is carrying a load gun and shooting at the pursuing police officers. One cop is inches from him but does a quick dodge to elude the bullet. The police officers continue their pursuit but stop suddenly when the felon grabs a lone CBS Page by Paul's piano. He holds the Page hostage and threatens to do the Page harm if the officers come any closer.
FELON: (gun to the head of the CBS Page) "I'll shoot him!"
COP: "Easy. Put the gun down!"
FELON: "You don't understand."
COP: "Put the gun down!"
FELON: "This is a set up. I didn't do it. You have to hear it from my point of view. My story . . ."
And then the felon begins to sing.
FELON: "I was once a man, a man just like you . . ."
As the felon sings, the CBS Page slowly slinks away from his grasp. The cop sees his moment, a moment that may not be there in another second. The cop fires, hitting the felon in the chest. The innocent CBS Page was safe. The cops close in and pull the felon off the stage. There was a show to put on.
Dave is confused; bewildered. He can only say, "If it isn't this . . . it's that . . ."

TOP TEN: Surprises in the Dick Cheney Interview
#10. Admitted he's the guy who popped a cap in Suge Knight
#8. He's engaged to Katie Holmes
#7. Revealed list of the next ten old guys he plans to shoot
#2. Claims it was all part of the plan to make Bush look smarter

HANNAH TETER (pronounced 'Teeter'): She the United States Gold Medal winner in the Women's snowboarding Halfpipe, and she just turned 19 three weeks ago. Hannah enters wearing a funky knitted hat and sits in a very relaxed manner. She makes herself very comfortable, not at all intimidated by her surroundings. She's fun and perky and happy. Hannah proudly shows off her gold medal and I am again disappointed. I really don't like the design of this year's gold medal.
Hannah comes from a snowboarding family. She has four older brothers, two who are professional snowboarders (???). When she was growing up, she would always tag along and do whatever they were doing. That's how she got involved in skiing and snowboarding.
Dave says the United States snowboarders are again doing a great job at this year's Olympics and wonder why the Americans dominate. Hannah says it's probably because they are lucky to work in such great conditions. I took this to mean we have great snowmaking and grooming here in the U.S. This made me proud for I once worked as a snowmaker one winter back in '80-81. I feel as if I had a little something to do with the gold medal Hannah is now holding.
Hold it a minute. I just realized . . . I was a snowmaker in 1981. Hannah wasn't born till 1987. I had nothing to do with her gold medal.

Dave asks Hannah to explain some of the jumps and maneuvers she performed on her way to the Gold.
A Frontside 540
A Backside Air
A Frontside 900
A Backside Indy
A Frontside 360
A Cab 540.
I know nothing about snowboarding and have never set foot in one, but I have done a "backside air."

Talking to the confident and charming and care-free 19-year-old Hannah, Dave sighs "I'm just getting older by the minute." I laughed a big laugh as I felt the same way myself watching Hannah in the guest chair. I was also thinking, "How can that person be the best in the world at anything?" As strange as it may be, she is. She is the world's best female halfpiper.
Back from commercial, a charmed Dave says Hannah just got the world by the tail; 19 years old; talented; a gold medal; the world is wide open to her. It's not how I remember my later-teen years.

JIMMY FALLON: Jimmy enters wearing Hannah's hat and lounges in the relaxed position that Hannah sat. Gee whiz. Now even Jimmy Fallon is starting to feel old.
Has Jimmy ever gone snowboarding? He recently gave snowboarding a shot, or better, snowboarding gave him a shot. He completely embarrassed himself on the beginner hill. I think those are usually called the "Bunny Hill" or something like that. Jimmy took a header and had the wind knocked out of him. When the instructor asked if he was OK, all he could gasp was "I'm . . . fie . . . fie . . .I'm . . . fine."

Jimmy recently spent some time in Ireland. I hate and love Ireland stories. I love to hear stories about Ireland but hate that I wasn't there, too. Jimmy was in a pub that caters to tourists. Irish Step Dancing was being taught, you know, like that Riverdancing stuff, and the pub was a bit too small to handle the crowd. Jimmy got up to go to the bathroom and ended up having to "step dance" to get there.
I laughed at this story. I went to Ireland back in 1984. I was on a bus tour traveling across the country. After an hour or two on the road, the bus would always stop at a far off pub. We would amble out and quaff a few. And then we would get back on the bus for more traveling to another pub. What a gimmick. I'm sure the bus driver and the pub owners had an agreement that the driver would be rewarded for the stop.
And speaking of Ireland, I would think twice about kissing the Blarney Stone. Please don't ask why.
Jimmy says Ireland is an ancient country and this became very clear to him when he was at the airport. There he saw a sign of things not allowed on the plane. One item mentioned in the warning: "No Catapults." Jimmy guesses that also meant no big boulders for the catapult either.

Jimmy is a big fan of American History and is very excited about the upcoming 3-day weekend celebrating Presidents' Day. So excited is he that he wrote a song about it. Jimmy gets an acoustic guitar and performs with help from Paul and the CBS Orchestra.
JIMMY: "I hope Presidents' Day means the same to you as it does to me . . ."

"I'm gonna drink on Sunday.
I'm drinking drinking on Sunday
Don't have to work on Monday
Happy Birthday, Presidents
Great vacation, celebration
Destination: Intoxication.
Inebriation across the nation
Birthday President
God, I love the Presidents
So they'll be no hesitants
On belly shots of rumplemintz
Birthday President.
(spoken) Presidents' Day, yeah. You know, if George Washington were alive today, he'd probably say something like, 'God, I'm 274 years old! Why can't I die? What's wrong with me?' But I also think he'd be happy that his birthday is half celebrated on the 3rd Monday in February."
There will be no complaining
It it's snowy or it's rainy
Beer and a shot with my man, Dick Cheney (gun shot)
Happy birthday, Presidents!"

ACT 5: It's the snowboarding monkey!

SHE WANTS REVENGE: from their self-titled CD, "She Wants Revenge," She Wants Revenge performed "Tear You Apart."

And that was our show for Thursday, February 16, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I just leafed through the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and let me tell you, I don't see those bathing suits at the town pool.

I had to chuckle yesterday morning, then I had to cry after reading the newspaper. Rookie New York City Police Officers are applying, and qualifying, for food stamps. I was in a bar a few weeks ago and they had one of those new-fangled juke boxes. It was computerized or something and it hung from the wall and it had hundreds of selections on a touch-screen. I was not anything like the old 45 rpm record juke boxes I grew up with. I decided to give this new juke box a shot. I get a bit intimidated when browsing a juke box, especially when there is no music at the time. I feel everyone at the bar is waiting to judge me by the music I play. Being in a low-key bar filled with locals, I glided over to the country and acoustical end of the spectrum. I hoped to find "I Ain't Hurtin' Nobody" by John Prine, having heard it that morning on my drive to work. The song may have been in the new computerized juke box somewhere but I couldn't find it. I thought about some Bob Dylan but didn't want to go too popular, wanting those sitting at the bar to think I knew lots of music and wasn't simply picking a song every one knew. I wanted a "Hey, good song . . . I haven't heard that song in a long time" song. I then considered "Mull of Kintyre" by Paul McCartney. I played that once at a bar and got a real good reaction when the bagpipes kicked in. For some reason I couldn't find that one, either. I quickly became discouraged as I found that there weren't as many songs on this thing as I first thought. Quickly feeling the heat on my neck for standing too long in front of the juke box without playing anything, I decided to go with a "can't miss" Hank Williams "Hey, Good Lookin'." It's always a crowd-pleaser. And I backed that up with Joe Cocker's "Feelin' Alright." I didn't put my money in until I knew what two songs I would be playing, this way I could quickly put in the cash, press the right buttons, and be seated at the bar by the time the music came on, enabling me to enjoy both songs in their entirety.
So if you had a buck and were going to play two songs at a bar, which two would you pick?
Oh, I strongly suggest you play "Mull of Kintyre" by Paul McCartney next time you're at a bar. The sound of the bellowing bagpipes is fantastic. It's a nice smooth song with a touch of reminiscent sadness longing for home. And when the bagpipes start, pick up the nearest barstool and turn it upside down and place it up around your shoulder. Stick a finger in your mouth and it will look like you're playing the bagpipes. It's always good entertainment and likely to get you a free drink from someone. You'll thank me later.

A new Wahoo segment, MYSTERIES OF THE WORLD Here's one:
Bruce Jenner was a decathlon gold medal Olympic champion?! This concludes the first edition of The Wahoo Gazette's MYSTERIES OF THE WORLD

Dick Cheney only had one beer before going hunting. How come that excuse never works when you're driving home and you're stopped by a cop?
Only had one beer. Reminds of when Clinton said he didn't inhale.