It’s Tuesday night, the night we head over to Rupert’s Hello Deli. Dave lauds Rupert and his establishment, calling it the main attraction in the theater district. It used to be Sardi’s was the place to go following an opening night on Broadway to await the reviews; now it’s the Hello Deli. Rupert, not sure what to say, simply says what’s proper; “Thank you.” Dave talks about business and asks what is the Hello Deli’s biggest competition in the area. Rupert motions around the block to the chicken restaurant, Ranch 1. Dave tells Rupert, “Go to Ranch 1, order some chicken, get a table, and wait for further instructions.” Rupert, a bit reluctant, does as told and away he goes.

And now a peek behind the scenes. We knew Dave would be sending Rupert to Ranch 1. Rupert knew he would be going to Ranch 1 but did not know why. Instead of Rupert running out of the deli and up 53rd Street to Broadway and to the Ranch 1 restaurant, we sent Rupert through the Ed Sullivan Office Building lobby on 53rd Street which is right next to the Hello Deli. Through the lobby, Rupert can exit onto Broadway right next to the Ranch 1 restaurant. This way, the throngs outside the Hello Deli would not follow Rupert to Ranch 1 and ruin the surprise. Plus, they would likely mug in front of our hidden camera in the van outside Ranch 1.

We also had an intern sitting at the table Rupert would be sitting at, reserving his table. That intern had a chicken meal waiting for Rupert. Rupert would be ordering anyway, but in case the line was too long and the order delayed, Rupert would be able to leave the line and simply sit at the table with the chicken waiting. We had him stand on line and order just in case Dave wanted to go back to the Ranch 1 and see how things were progressing. By the time we returned to Ranch 1, Rupert was sitting at the table by the window with his chicken. He was able to order it himself.

Have you ever gone on a cruise? Dave says what often happens on one of these is someone on the cruise ship will yell out, “Oh look! A seagull!” And then everyone on the cruise ship will run to the one side of the ship to catch a look of the seagull, resulting in the ship to capsize. Well, the blockbuster “Poseidon” failed to finish in first place at the box office over the weekend. Dave thinks the most recent trailer hurt the film. We take a look.

Announcer: (Over scenes of Poseidon) “Every moment. Every second. Every breath. Could be your last. Josh Lucas. Kurt Russell. Kathie Lee Gifford.”
(Scene from her Carnival Cruise commercials – to husband Frank lounging on deck: “Does Frank look relaxed, or what?”)
“’Poseidon’: Now playing.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR’s “ . . . the only thing we have to fear” speech. We hear JFK’s “ask not what your country can do for you” speech. We hear George W. Bush’s speech from last night. He stops halfway through and stares. The man seems lost. He just stopped.

Of course, you probably heard by now that CNN mistakenly put the President on the air when he was rehearsing his speech. We used that clip. As with many of our Great Moments in Presidential Speeches, we took the clip and used it out of context. Out of context can make things funnier.

Back to Rupert, who is now sitting at a table by the window at the Ranch 1 restaurant. How many people inside? “About 10” says Rupert. What did Rupert order? “A grilled chicken, with baked potato, and vegetable” This is what Dave wants Rupert to do. Take a bite of the chicken, wave it over your head, run around the Ranch 1 restaurant 3 times and yell over and over, ‘This chicken has bird flu!” Rupert’s face drops, the same way it would years ago when doing “Fun with Rupert.”
Is there room enough to run around in there? Rupert says there’s a little bit of room. So it’s set; Rupert is to do 3 laps around the interior of the restaurant, then out to Broadway, and then down the block. The entire time, Rupert will be yelling, “This Chicken has bird flu!” One last bit of instruction: “Really sell this thing!” OK, the scene is set. Rupert mentally prepares himself. Dave notices this and like a good director, tells Rupert to go when he is ready, in essence, “Cue yourself.”
Rupert takes a breath, takes a small bite, and then action. Rupert runs around the restaurant yelling “This chicken has bird flu!” And then out to Broadway and then south. Did he really run around Ranch 1 three times? Mmmmm, not quite. Dave is satisfied with the results, giving it a “Close enough. We’ll accept that.”
Back from commercial, Dave revisits Rupert who is now safely back in his deli. Dave asks Rupert how he thinks that went. Rupert says, “It reminded me of the old days.” (Meaning, “Fun with Rupert” – when we would tape Rupert in various places while Dave, safely tucked away in a nearby van, would tell Rupert to do and say things to unsuspecting people.)
Dave questions if Rupert really did 3 laps around the Ranch 1 before exiting. A surprised Rupert says he did do 3 laps around the restaurant.
Dave: “Did they seem alarmed?”
Rupert: “I think I was more alarmed than they were.”
Dave thanks Rupert for a job well done.

Before the show, Alan Kalter came up to Dave’s office and asked if he could say a few word if we had time in tonight’s show. Dave, creeped out, said he would grant Alan his wish.

Alan: “Do you love pancakes? Hi, I’m TV’s Alan Kalter. Well now you can eat all the pancakes you want and help raise money at the same time. Join me and pancake lovers from all over America Sunday, May 21st in Central Park for Alan Kalter’s Big Red Pancake Fundraising Breakfast. We’ll have clowns, face painting, and some kind of zoo animals for the kids. Plus, your generous registration fee will help raise money, and isn’t that what it’s all about? You bet it is! Eat pancakes and help. Remember, together you and I can lick this thing. Now back to you, Captain Wanker.”

TOP TEN: Surprises in George W. Bush’s Speech – Monday night, the President gave a speech concerning immigration.
#7. Frequent references to “My good friend, Cheech.”
#4. Stirring moment when he declared, “Ich bin ein Chalupa!”
#2. Instead of “My fellow Americans,” began speech with, “s’up, bitches”

DEBRA MESSING: Her Will & Grace show ends this Thursday. It’s been on for 9 years . . . . never seen it. Oh, I’ve seen bits and pieces here and there, but I never saw the opening theme or the closing credits. From what little I’ve seen, as far as TV sitcoms go, it deserved its 9-year run.
The busy Debra has a 2-year-old son who is talking up a storm. Favorite word: “Caribou.” And he loves the baseball. She got him a T-Ball set. Debra was talking to a personal trainer about Baby Little League, who told her the child needs to be 3-years-old to play, “but if you lie about his age you might be able to get him in.” Yikes. It starts at 2 years old?
Dave says as a dad, he is always on a razor’s edge hoping to keep his young Harry on schedule. Dave is in a constant panic wanting to keep Harry at pace with the other kids. Debra simply labels those who compare theirs with yours as “Evil people.” I said it the other day; when talking about your children with strangers, pretend your kids are a year younger than they are. Put the pressure on those who are comparing and sizing. My philosophy with raising kids is “stay out of the way, but be ready to catch them when they fall.”
Debra stars in a film that comes out in September called, Lucky You, where she plays an aquatic showgirl. It takes place in a Las Vegas casino where gambling and drinking takes place while surrounded by women lip-synching, dancing, and performing in mermaid tails inside a giant aquarium. Besides her phobia of fish, water, and drowning, making the film was a blast.
Will & Grace – the big series finale is Thursday night.

CHRISTOPHER RUSSO: Sports radio talk show host on WFAN’s “Mike and the Mad Dog.” You can also see him on the YES Network. And he’s written a new book, “The Mad Dog Hall of Fame: The Ultimate Top-Ten Rankings of the Best in Sports.” It’s a good discussion starter around the water cooler or gin mill. Lots of list of what is the best; coaches, baseball players, football players, basketball players, college athletes, stadiums, etc.
Dave opens with a question about the “Mike and the Mad Dog” radio show: “About Mike, does he really do anything on the show? He seems like an albatross. What does he do?” Chris is quick to defend his partner, answering, “He eats!”
Chris is a new dad again. He and his wife celebrated their 4th child 10 months ago, all under the age of 7. For Mother’s Day, Chris hired a chef to make his wife breakfast in bed. Chris said it was great. The chef came in and asked his wife what she would like for breakfast. She said, “A cheddar cheese omelet”, along with some sides. Chris was very proud of his idea of a chef. Dave asks, “And how much did this cost?” Chris excitedly says (he says everything excitedly), “$169.” Dave follows with incredibility, “You can’t make an omelet?” Let’s take a phone call:
1. Trent form Bayside, Queens – “Not really a question. I just saw a replay of the 1972 Olympic basketball final. The gold medal game with Russia. Bad call, man. Bad call. We got screwed.” Chris agrees.
2. Kirk from Weehawken – “Mad Dog, big Yankee fan. Have to ask you, have you seen Joe Torre naked?”
Topics: Larry Brown and the Knicks – Larry Brown should never have taken the job. The situation wasn’t right. He’s 65 with health issues. He went to New York for the money.
Barry Bonds: Although Chris is a big San Francisco Giant fan, he doesn’t include Bonds in his book. There is too much of an issue with steroids. He finds it very hard to root for Bonds.
Another caller:
3. Freddie on the Palisades: “You know, the man pays the salaries, the man’s writing the checks, he can say whatever he damn well pleases about anyone. And you keep hammering him. What is your problem? Chris has no idea who he is talking about. Steinbrenner?
Yankees and the Mets this weekend. Should be interesting. The Mets are a team on the rise and have been 2nd class citizens in the city for years now. There will be a little bit of pressure on the Mets to show something. Dave says he talked to a Yankee who said the players really don’t care about it. The Yank said, “We play the Mets 6 times a year and we don’t care.” Chris tries to figure out who Dave was talking to but Dave won’t reveal his source.
NBA Finals. Anyone care?
Who will be in the Super Bowl first, Eli or Peyton Manning. Chris teases Dave about his Indianapolis Colts. Dave reminds Chris that it was he, Dave, who pointed out that when the San Diego Chargers beat the Colts it was a bad omen. If the Chargers could figure out the Colts, someone else could too. And Dave was right. Chris remembers this and points out that Dave is a sharp student of sports.
Another caller.
4. Jack from Bridgehampton: “When are you guys going to let up on OJ? He served his time.” Chris reminds that OJ served no time.
Christopher “Mad Dog” Russo. You got a glimpse of why he’s nicknamed “Mad Dog.” Some would call it passion.

ACT 5: It’s Rupert in his Hello Deli snacking on the tasty Ranch 1 chicken dinner. Ranch 1 – They do chicken right. And that was our show for Tuesday May 16, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

A guy paid $3.5 million for a Stradivarius violin at auction yesterday. But of course when he took it home, he left it in the cab.

I watched the big Yankee 9-run comeback last night. I think you know my favorite player is Derek Jeter, but enough already with him sitting in the dugout. Yikes. The camera was in the Yankee dugout on Jeter dozens of times throughout the game. If he weren’t so cute, I would be outraged.

I have a laundry question. Let’s say I spill a dot of tea on my white shirt. Later I put the shirt in the hamper. And then the white shirt goes into the white wash with the bleach. When the shirt comes out, you can still see a trace of the tea dot on the shirt. Nobody pre-treated the tea stain.
My question: who is responsible for pre-treating a stain on clothes? Should the person who throws it in the hamper pre-treat it? Or should the person putting the clothes into the washing machine do the pre-treating? I know the right answer. I just want to see if you have the right answer.

This past weekend I went to see Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes. They are big here in the New York metro area and they’ve been around for years. Somehow this was the first time I’ve ever seen them. When my friends heard it was my first time I think they wanted to beat me up. They are all big Southside fans. Anyway, they put on a great show; lots of horns, harmonica, keyboards, and blues rock. How I’ve missed them all these years, I don’t know. Check them out when they come to your neighborhood.

Dave was talking about shaking hands on Monday’s show. Then I saw something in today’s newspaper about the handshake. And then I decided to make today’s (Tuesday’s) script cover based on the handshake.
Handshakes are a major route for the transmission of common cold viruses.
Donald Trump said that if he ran for president (running for president requires thousands of daily handshakes), he would have to wash his hands after every handshake.
A study found that handshakes are a greater source of germs than: week-old coffee mugs, public laundromats, bottoms of a shoe, money, urine on a toilet seat, sweaty gym benches, hotel bed linens, dogs, poorly washed restaurant tables, communion chalices, public food groped by others (such as pretzels), public swimming pools, fish tanks, convience store coffee areas, public pay phones, public restrooms, kitchen sponges, public bathroom urinal handles and faucets and doorknobs, home-canned food, water fountains, and public baby-changing stations.

From the New York Post:

THE EIGHT WORST HANDSHAKES

The Wet Fish: Hand is clammy and cold. Universally unpopular, and is read by the receiver as a lack of commitment to the encounter.

The Vise: Hand is presented in down position and can stop blood flow to the hand. Reveals a desire to dominate and assume early control.

The Bone Crusher: The most feared of all handshakes, hand is presented in down position and leaves an indelible memory on the recipient's mind and fingers. A trademark of the overly aggressive person.

The Fingertip Grab: A handshake that missed the mark and the user mistakenly grabs the others fingers. User lacks confidence.

The Stiff-Arm Thrust: Hand is stiff while user is leaned forward or balancing on one foot. Used by aggressive types to keep you at a distance.

The Socket Wrencher: Involves forcefully gripping the receiver's outstretched palm, applying a sharp reverse thrust, and attempting to drag the receiver into the initiator's territory. Can mean three things: initiator is insecure, initiator is from a culture that has smaller space needs, or initiator wants to control you by pulling you off balance.

The Pump Handle: Hand is being pumped with energy and rhythmic series of rapid vertical strokes. User has an urge to be physically connected.

The Dutch Treat: Stiffer and less clammy than the wet fish, its origin is from the Netherlands, where a person can be accused of "giving a handshake like a bunch of carrots."

... AND THE MOST INTIMIDATING Palm down: Presenting your hand palm down automatically makes the person shaking your hand subservient and bowing to your control.