Barely saw the show. I did a triathlon trying to compensate for a broken copier and show changes. I was barely able to keep one ACT ahead of the show.

We did Know Your Current Events tonight. Tonight’s topics:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Summer Blockbusters
Know Your Goofy-Looking Congressmen
Know Your Springtime Allergies

#1. Katie of Youngstown, Ohio. She’s a server at Anthony’s on the River. What river? The Mahoning River. She offers Dave some recommendations if he ever decides to dine there.
Katie chooses the category Know Your Cuts of Meat. Tonight’s two meats: Veal rib chops and pork cubed steak

#2. James, an economic researcher. His category: Know Your Summer Blockbusters.
“What is the premise of ‘Superman Returns’?” James says, “Uhh, Superman comes back?” Dave gives partial credit. Correct answer: “Superman comes back only to be deported to Krypton as an illegal alien.”

“Which mutant are movie-goers most excited to see in ‘X-Men: The Last Stand’?”
Answer: “Barry Bonds”

#3. Melanie, an underwriter from Fort Collins, Colorado. What’s an underwriter do? Out of the corner of my ear, I think I heard Melanie say something about approving loans. After some deliberation, Melanie chooses Know Your Springtime Allergies.
“People in New York City are most likely to suffer reactions to what allergen?”
Answer: “Trump dander.”

“Doctors expect allergy complaints to start dropping off when?”
Answer: “Around July when the bird flu kills us all.”

And that was KYCE. I know I was brief. I’m lucky I knew that much.

He come back and Dave has executive producer Barbara Gaines sitting at a little desk just a few feet from him. I missed what led to this. She usually stands at a podium just to announcer Alan Kalter’s right. Why the move? I don’t know. Just something new for sweeps, I guess.

The big “The Da Vinci Code” opens on Friday, starring Tom Hanks. Pepsi Cola has got themselves a nice little tie in with the film, hoping to capitalize on a partnership with the huge film. Have you seen the new Pepsi commercial?

Announcer: “’The Da Vinci Code’ is the most anticipated film of the year! And now you can get in on the excitement with Pepsi’s ‘Break the Code and Win’ contest! Go to Pepsi.com and enter the 500-digit code found on specially-marked Pepsi bottles!
You’ll then be asked to solve an encrypted message using a mono-alphabetic substitution cipher!
The decoded instructions will tell you where in the Louvre museum to look for an additional code to enter at Pepsi.com! When you’ve completed this step, you’ll be given a clue that will help you find the hidden message concealed somewhere near Pepsi’s world headquarters in Purchase, New York.
Once you’ve found the secret message, type it into Pepsi.com to see if you’ve won a 16-ounce bottle of Pepsi! It’s just that easy! Play as often as you like! And don’t miss ‘The Da Vinci Code,’ in theaters May 19th.”

We see Tom Hanks hard at work in his office trying to decipher the Da Vinci code. He is jotting down letters. We see a close-up of Tom’s eyes darting left and right. The music builds. We see Tom finishing the code. We see what Tom has written over his scribbles: “I LIKE TACOS.” Cut back to Tom who is disappointed and frustrated. Incredulous, Tom cries out, “That’s it! That’s what Da Vinci was trying to tell us? He likes Tacos! Screw this!”
Tom crumbles up the sheet of paper and storms off.

Not much of an ending. Chalupas would probably be more believable.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR’s “ . . . the only thing we have to fear” speech. We hear JFK’s “ask not what your country can do for you” speech. We hear George W. Bush’s speech Monday night. He stops halfway through and stares. The man seems lost. He just stopped.

Back from commercial, we see Ms. Gaines with a drawn CBS eye adorned on the front of her desk. No, it was not drawn by Rob Burnett.

REBECCA ROMIJN: Rebecca hasn’t been here in 10 years! She’s here to promote her new film, X-Men: The Last Stand, film which opens May 26th. There’s lots of mutants in X-Men. Rebecca is one of them. I’ll say! She doesn’t look like any normal girl I see at the town pool. Yowza! She’s certainly far from the norm, and that’s in a good way.
Rebecca lives on a ranch north of Los Angeles with 4 of her dogs. One dog, a poodle, is named Taco Truck the Runaway Junkyard Rascal. She found it tied to a taco truck and rescued it.
Another dog, Better Business Kisses Galore (‘Better’ for short) likes to hide things that he likes to eat. If you give him a treat, he’ll eat half of eat and hide the other half. You’ll find the half-eaten treats all over the house when you least expect. So Rebecca was given a bag of lollipops with her picture on each lollipop. It was suggested she give them out to her fans. She didn’t like the idea. Well, Better Business Kisses Galore found the bag, ripped it open, and enjoyed the lollipops. . . or . . . enjoyed half eating the lollipops. The other half “Better” hid all over the house. Jump ahead to a meeting Rebecca had with a director at the house. After the meeting when the director got up to leave, she saw a lollipop stuck to his ass. Boy oh boy, I would love to hear how the director tells THAT story.
X-Men: The Last Stand – it opens May 26th.

ACT 5: LATE SHOW Time Wasters!
It’s Ms. Gaines drawing using a Sharpie. Don’t get it on your clothes, Barbara!

EAGLES OF DEATH METAL: Out on the southwest corner of 53rd and Broadway, from their new CD, “Death By Sexy”, Eagles of Death Metal performed “I Want You So Hard (Boys’ Bad News)”. I thought that was pretty cool. I liked how pedestrians just made their way past.

And that was our show for Thursday May 18, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

My theory on “Where is Jimmy Hoffa?” --- He’s a pillar of society; specifically, a pillar at the base of Giants Stadium in the Meadowlands.

I found this odd: The voting was so close in Wednesday’s American Idol, Elliot is blaming Mayor Daley.

Hey! Thinking of buying a Xerox copier, model 4110? I would think long and hard before plunking down even a nickel on one of these clunkers. I would recommend typing something twice, three times, or ten times before depending on the Xerox 4110. Our brand new one, less than 3 weeks old, is broken. Buy carbon paper instead.
Their motto:
XEROX – “SOUNDS LIKE ZERO”

Things got a little hectic before the show. I was in desperate need of a copier that worked. Our new one, the Xerox 4110 model, our ace machine, was out for most of the day. And then the copiers on the other two floors were busted. I was not very happy. I tend to act like a frustrated baby at these times and then have to apologize to everyone the next day. I need to work on that. But that damn copier . . . it just ain’t right. Things should work. And if they’re not dependable, they should be gotten rid of. But in this case, this didn’t work either. We got a new machine and it didn’t work. The machine was less than 3 weeks old.

In the end, we got through it the show as we always do.

And while I’m at it, Target can kiss my ass too. I buy something supposedly new but it’s got a chip in it when I open it. Hello, rewraps. I’m sure the item was returned the first time for a reason.

So I’m driving in to work Friday morning and see a parking spot up ahead. A guy is double parked right in front of it. He’s out getting a coffee and doughnut at the corner vendor. OK, I can live with that. I hate double parkers but it’s a fact of life in NYC. So I waited. The guy comes back with his coffee and doughnut. We make eye contact. He knows I’m waiting. I know he just got a coffee and doughnut. He gets in his car and I allow him a minute to settle in and move his car up 10 feet to let me in to the spot. But he doesn’t move up. He sits there. I wait another minute. Two minutes I wait for the guy to inch up. He doesn’t. Now I can feel Thursday’s anger return. Thursday’s broken copier-anger never totally left. It’s been brimming inside all night. I tap on the horn to remind him that I am waiting for him to move. I can now see him sipping his coffee and eating his doughnut. He isn’t going to move. He isn’t going to allow me into the parking space until he’s finished his coffee. I toot on the horn again, this time with a little more vehemence. He looks in his rearview and takes a sip of coffee. He’s staring me down the whole time. That S.O.B. Now I really lean on the horn. Pedestrians look at me, then at him. They are annoyed at both of us. I decide to wait him out. I read my newspaper. I know he’s trying to wait me out. I’ll wait as long as I have to. I can tell he is enjoying his little power trip. I read the newspaper front to back; he still hasn’t moved. I’m now reading the notices in the classified section. Finally, the guy is done and drives away. I quickly parallel park and get my spot.

But it’s not over. There is still a score to settle with this guy. I can see up ahead that he’s stopped at a red light. I take off my LATE SHOW windbreaker, throw it in the car, and run up to the light. I stand in front of his car. The light changes to green. I don’t move. I keep my keys in my hand in case he tries to nudge me out of the way. The keys are in my hand so if he does nudge me, I will keep from falling by leaning on the hood of his car for balance. And the keys in my hand will scratch up the hood of his car a little bit. Was I being spiteful? Oh, yes. And it’s all because of the broken copier. After making him wait for 30 seconds, he opens his window and curses me. I come over to say something back but he quickly closes his window. He now recognizes me. He now knows I’m the guy who was behind him; the guy he made wait. I eventually get out of the way and he crosses the intersection. There’s a little traffic spillback so he can only advance a short way. His car remains in the intersection while he waits for the traffic to move forward. I see another opportunity. I again get in front of his car. The traffic moves forward. He can’t. The light changes and now the pedestrians begin crossing the street in front of his car, leaving him in the intersection and blocking the downtown traffic. The pedestrians are doing the work for me. When he can finally advance, I get in his way one more time just for fun. By this time, he was steaming mad. I considered ourselves even. I finally let him go.

This was no way to start the day.

That’s basically how road rage develops. Something happens at the office you can’t control; something you have to swallow and suffer through. Then something happens on the road that you can do something about, or at least vent your frustration. And you do it.