This Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell thing is getting crazier and crazier. Each day brings something new and more publicity. Dave suspects a very crafty and clever Rosie is feeding into this, making "The View" the most talked about morning A.M. talk show in the business. Dave wants to get a piece of this and figures the best way is to start a rumor about Rosie and then let her react. Dave wants to start a feud with O'Donnell and then reap the publicity fireworks. What does he have in mind? Dave says, "Rosie O'Donnell . . . she may be a lesbian." Wow! That's big! A little later in the show, Dave offers, "She kisses girls. . . ." He doesn't say if he knows it to be true, but says, "I just heard something."

Earlier tonight, CBS premiered a new reality show called 'Armed and Famous, in which celebrities train to become police officers. In case you hadn't heard about it, we take a look at a promo.
Announcer:

"Ever wondered what would happen if your favorite stars became police officers? Find out on CBS's new reality show 'Armed & Famous.' Tune in as Erik Estrada puts his 'CHiPs' experience to the test; LaToya Jackson learns to make an arrest; and Mel Gibson pulls over motorists just to make sure they're not Jewish. 'Armed & Famous', tonight on CBS."

"We interrupt this program for an announcement from New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. After conducting extensive air-quality testing, we have decided that it is safe to lower the New York City Smell Alert from 'Natural Gas' to 'Urine.' Stay tuned for further updates. We now return you to 'Wolf Lake' already in progress."

Dave wonders, "Would you rather live in a city that smells bad or a city that has a governor like him?"
Throughout the evening, Dave impersonates Arnold saying "Biting. Biting."

BOAT SHOW QUIZ - We sent a camera crew to the 102nd New York National Boat Show at the Jacob Javits Convention Center. They came back to headquarters and the footage was sent to the comedy lab. This is what the comedic scientists came up with.
Some of my favorites:
(A guy riding a segway at the Boat Show) "Onlookers chuckled at the sight of:"
A) a boat show staffer on a segway
B) this employee's light-hearted antics
C) Kevin Federline making 8 bucks an hour

(fat guy) "This boat enthusiast is quite familiar with: "
A) trans-Atlantic crossings
B) trans-oceanic voyages
C) trans-fats

(little boy walking through boat show) "A good title for this scene would be: "
A) "Li'l Sailor"
B) "Junior Skipper"
C) "Tom Cruise Shops For A Boat"

And now, George W. Bush's New Plan to Win the War in Iraq. We cut to the President giving his address to the nation. Halfway through a sentence, he stops and stares. And stares. And just stares some more. That's quite a plan. I feel a lot better now.

TOP TEN: Good Things About Being Elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame
And here to present tonight's top ten list, your newest members of the National Baseball Hall of Fame, Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken, Jr.

#10. (Cal) "While traveling the country, I can shower with any team I choose."
#9. (Tony) "Can now advertise my garage sales as 'Hall of Fame Garage Sales.'"
#8. (Cal) "George Steinbrenner just offered me $20 million to play again."
#7 (Tony) "On Bobblehead Day, guess who gets 2 bobbleheads."
#6. (Cal) "At any moment, there's a good chance Bob Costas is boring someone with stories about me."
#5. (Tony) "It's nice to be mentioned in the same breath as Arky Vaughan, Burleigh Grimes, and Gabby Hartnett."
#4. (Cal) "Free Chalupa from Taco Bell if I mention them in my induction speech."
#3. (Tony) "Made all those years playing in southern California's lousy climate worth it."
#2. (Cal) "I can now admit I broke my streak in 1998 because I had tickets to 'Les Mis.'"
#1. (Tony) "Get to be on national television . . . (Cal) even if it's this show."

Before the Top Ten, Dave read the accomplishments of Gwynn and Ripken:

TONY GWYNN
-15-time All-Star
-8-time National League Batting Champion
-Lifetime .338 hitter
-3,141 career hits

CAL RIPKEN, JR.
-19-time All-Star
-2-time American League Most Valuable Player
-3,184 career hits
-Played in a major league record 2,632 consecutive games, spanning 16 seasons.

Before introducing Peter O'Toole, Dave says that Gwynn and Ripken are two players kids today could really look up to. He then adds that each played their entire career with one team; Gwynn 20 years with the San Diego Padres; Ripken 21 years with the Baltimore Orioles. I added that bit of information on the blue card figuring Dave would appreciate that, something more common back in the days when Dave was still in knickers.

TONY GWYNN - entire 20-year career with the San Diego Padres
CAL RIPKEN, JR.- entire 21-year career with the Baltimore Orioles
Their induction ceremony into the National Baseball Hall of Fame is July 29, 2007 in Cooperstown, New York.

PETER O'TOOLE: He's in the new film, "Venus," now playing in selected cities. The legendary actor congratulates Dave on becoming a dad, or as Mr. O'Toole put it, "having a child in your more mature years." Peter did the same and says, "it knocked me out."
Dave says to Peter, "You've led your life the way you want to. I tried but at 34 I realized it wasn't a good idea." Peter drank back when drinking was an accepted and expected practice, and he is well known for his drinking stories. He tells the story of carousing with actor Peter Finch, or Finchie. After working together and having a few, they decided to head in for the night and sleep it off at Finchie's. On the walk home, they passed a little hole-in-the-wall bar that called out their name. They went inside and remained till 4:00 AM. The bartender eventually told them they had enough and would have to go. Peter and Finchie muttered, "No no no . . . much more." The bartender was adamant. They had to go. But they didn't want to go. So Finchie and Peter . . . bought the bar. The next day they returned to the bar and met the bartender again. The bartender held the checks Peter and Finchie gave him the night before. The barkeep gave back the checks, which were quickly torn up. A year later, the bartender died. Finchie and Peter got to know him pretty well in that time and attended the funeral. At the cemetery, they joined the family who was sobbing by the gravesite. They got down on their knees and prayed beside them. A woman then tapped them on the shoulder. Peter says, "We were at the wrong grave."
Death becomes us . . . has Peter ever thought how he would like to remembered? He says he knows what his final epithet will be. Years ago he had an old leather jacket which he adored. It was a ragged thing covered with Guinness and blood, what every jacket should be covered with. He sent it to the cleaners. It came back with a note pinned to the lapel: "Sycamore Cleaners: It distresses us to return work which is not done." It made Peter laugh and he decided to have that placed on his tombstone. His new film, "Venus," is about, as Peter puts it, "a dirty old man and a sluttish woman." It's an examination of all the cliches one would expect in such a relationship. Has Peter ever been involved in a relationship like that? Without much thinking, Peter exclaims, "Oh, yes!"
It's in selected cities now. Look for it. "Venus."

Once again, our good friend, the President and CEO of 7-Eleven, Mr. Jim Keyes. Keyes enters and stands center stage and delivers this message.
"Thanks, folks. Well, 2006 was a year to remember. Back on July 11th - 7-Eleven - we kicked off the biggest promotion in our history. Millions of people came into our stores, said 'Dave sent me', and received free hot dogs, muffins, and Big Gulps . . . all thanks to the generosity of that man right there, David Letterman. (Keyes applauds)
Now Dave and the Late Show are kicking off 2007 with a new year's promotion that's even more exciting! All this month, go into any participating 7-Eleven store, say 'Happy New Beer!', and you'll receive a free six-pack of Beck's, Coors Light, or Corona! Of course, you must be 21 or older. And that's not all --- you'll also get a free box of our news snack treat: Monterey Jack and Chicken Go-Go Taquitos. And check your bottle caps! If you find one marked '2007', congratulations! You've won one of the 2,007 grand prizes: the hottest video game system going, the Sony PlayStation 3!
Getting free stuff courtesy of David Letterman . . . now there's a New Year's Resolution we all can keep, am I right? Thanks, Dave, and see you all at 7-Eleven!"

ACT 5: Announce: "Congratulations to Larry King who is celebrating his 50th year in broadcasting. More like 50 dog years! Ha! Yikes! This has been another killer zinger faxed in from Friars Funnyman Freddy Roman! We'll be right back."

MARC MARON: Comedian. Marc likes to go the mall around Christmas time dressed as Jesus. He'll pled, "No no no! This is not what it was supposed to be about, people!"
Marc's marriage isn't the best. His wife, claiming a fear of a break-in, wants to get a gun in the house. Marc doesn't think so. He says getting a gun in the house would be like saying, "I want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
You can see Marc on his Comedy Central special this Friday night at 10:00 PM. Find out more about Marc at his website, www.marcmaron.com.

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 10, 2007.



And now once again, one of the dumbest things I ever said. It was back in August of 1995. It became apparent that Cal Ripken, Jr. would break Lou Gehrig's record for consecutive games played in a few weeks. I was kinda rooting against Cal Ripken but finally resigned myself to the fact that he was going to break it. I said to someone next to me, "Oh, well, at least it's a good, hard-working guy like Cal Ripken who'll break the record. I'd hate to see the record broken by someone who dogs it and takes off all the time."
Yes, I did say that.

Perhaps the most astonishing statistic about Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken, Jr - they each played their entire careers with one team. That doesn't happen anymore. What future Hall of Famers today will play their entire career with one team? Derek Jeter comes immediately to mind. I'm not in a baseball frame of mind but that's all I can come up with at the moment.
Smoltz, Braves - came from the Tigers.
Bagwell, Astors - came from the Red Sox
Pujols, Cardinals - too soon to say - probably a future Yankee (can he pitch?)
Oh, the Yankees Mariano Rivera. He'll make it.

Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame; Mark McGwire was not. And McGwire didn't make it by a wide margin. Why? The obvious is the steroids issue, but I think the baseball writers who do the voting didn't want to muddy up a perfect July afternoon when two great ambassadors to baseball are inducted into the Hall of Fame. Gwynn and Ripken will make for a fine fine day. Adding McGwire into the mix would take away from a nice clean summer of fun and innocence.

President Bush unveiled his new plan on how to win the war in Iraq. Sure, that's easy. But what are his plans for the war between Donald Trump and Rosie?

I-Pods. I-Phones. I-Don't-Care.

The first step towards my prediction about the New York Giants has moved in the right direction.
They just signed Coach Coughlin to a one-year contract, extending him one more year. He'll coach the 2007 season, and then the Giants will sign Patriot's coach Bill Belichick next year. I also said they'd sign Bill Parcell this year if he became available, but I always liked the Belichick angle better.

I was at the supermarket the other day. I scanned the magazine section at the checkout line. US magazine had Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on the cover. Inside there were articles about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Oprah, and George Clooney. I said to myself, "This magazine shouldn't be called 'US.' It should be called 'THEM.' It's not about US at all." "THEM." Not "US."

What was the thinking behind this? I'm in the 12th floor bathroom here at work washing my hands. The hot water handle is on the left; cold water handle is on the right. Each is attached to a spring. When you push the handle forward, the water turns on; when you let go of the handle it springs back to the off position. Push it forward; water comes on. Let go, the handle goes back; the water goes off. Two handles; two hands. You can only wash one hand at a time if you want running water. And then you have to decide, do I want to wash my hand in cold water or really hot water? None of this makes sense. You can only wash one hand at a time. . . . and you can't regulate the temperature of the water. It's either all hot or all cold I tried keeping both the hot and cold running by pushing the faucet handles back with my elbows, giving me warm water and the luxury of washing both hands at the same time, but the water kept splashing up onto my shirt. It's a can't win situation. What to do? My guess is this is why women like to go to the bathroom together. You need two people to run the sink.

We have Madonna on Thursday night, but more important, an all new look to the Wahoo Gazette is coming soon.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From St. Louis, Missouri, it's Don Casalone
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER