". . . . and now, legendary oil well firefighter. . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
The staff approached Dave today, and he's asked us many times not to do that, and we said, "Conan . . . . it's your birthday today and we want to do something special." So we put together something called, "WHY THE LATE SHOW STAFF LOVES DAVE." We see a clip. It opens with a graphic and music . . . . . and that's all we have so far. We're still working on it. It's not as easy as you would think.

TRUE TALES OF NEW YORK CITY ACCOUNTANTS - with April 15th on a Sunday this year, we are graced with an extra day to file our taxes. This gives accountants an extra day of hard work. We thought it would be nice to pay tribute to these unsung heroes in something we call "True Tales of New York City Accountants." Tonight we feature Andrew Presti of "Presti & Naegele Accounting Offices."
We find Andrew at the local Flashdancers. He says something to the scantly clad dancer. Uhhhh, that's all I remember. I was busy gazing at the dancer.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush saying something like, "Let me finish, please . . . . uhh duh duh ummm uhhh uhhh."

ACT 2
Never leaving anything to chance, Dave is handed a reminder card:
"Today is Thursday April 12.
It is your birthday.
You are 60 years old"
Dave reads it and shows it to the audience. He then orders to someone offstage,
"Please have my walker polished"

SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Indian Valley Record (Greenville, California): "Sheriff's Blotter: In Greenville, a deputy reported that a woman said that she thought that ghosts or someone was entering her house when she was gone."
-The Daily Courier (Forest City, North Carolina): "Free Dogs. Bassett/Chow Mix, 1 1/2 years old. Together they don't like cats, separately, they can be reasoned with." -The Melbourne Beach Breeze (Melbourne, Florida): This inspires confidence: "Income tax service inside Barber Shop." Dave adds, "You get clipped two ways."
-The Atkins Chronicle (Atkins, Arkansas): "Police News. The complainant said the man from the bank told him that he needed to speak like he had a education. He also said he needed to spit the tobacco out of his mouth, roll down his sleeves, cover the tattoos, and put his teeth back in his mouth."
-The Cynthiana Democrat (Cynthiana, Kentucky): "A Harrison County sheriff's deputy was not injured after striking two cows with his cruiser. Ironically, Fryman was responding to a call of loose cattle when the wreck occurred."
-The Mountain Messenger (Downieville, California): Here's an ad for the Old Sierra City Hotel: "Dinner 7 nights a week, full menu Friday & Saturday. Other days, you're eating what I'm serving."
-The Modesto Bee (Modesto, California): "Got a taste for testicle? Oakdale Fete for you." And here's something to keep in mind about bull testicles: "One year, a cook tried to save time by not removing the skin. 'People are still chewing the next year.' Brunker said." (Dave screams just thinking about it)
-The Pagosa Springs Sun (Pagosa Springs, Colorado): "Justice Water Systems & Drilling. Guaranteed on-site arrival! We will guarantee that we will arrive within seven days of a specific date."
- The Fresno Bee (Fresno, California): "Here's an interesting listing under "Found": "Large obese goldfish. Approximately 11 years old. Blind as a bat."

Here, Dave played "Play the Mike." Two Small Town News items before this I made a note to find out why so many newspapers are called the "Bee." What is the origin? And then for this Small Town News item, Dave mentioned "The Modesto Bee" and said, "I wonder how many 'Bees' are out west?"

-The Valley News (Temecula, California): "Robbers take cash from Albertsons. The robbers are described at white, Hispanic, or black males between five feet nine inches and six feet tall, weighing from 150 to 200 pounds."
-The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette (Little Rock, Arkansas): "An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided the kitchen cupboards, scrubbed a toilet, and made off with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread before passing out in a sedative-induced stupor on top of a refrigerator."
-The Sun (Trenton, Illinois): Keep your fingers crossed for this: "New bathroom should be built in time for chili cook-off."

ACT 3
TOP TEN: Things I Have Learned in 60 Years.
8. "Lather" and "Rinse" are fine, but "Repeat" is just a scam to sell more shampoo.
I think I heard something similar on Late Night 20 years ago.
6. At staff parties, I always get stuck talking to a guy named "Shecky."

ACT 3-5
BRUCE WILLIS: Bruce always has something. Tonight he enters wearing a Sanjaya wig. We then take a trip down Memory Lane of all the wig and head-work he's employed on his visits to the show. The final shot showed Bruce dancing in a bikini at a Flashdancers-type place. When I saw it I yelled, "keep it going, keep going, keep going." When the clip at "Flashdancers" continued I rejoiced when the shot widened to reveal the customers in the strip joint. I was in the crowd!
This just in: If you're keeping score at home, Bruce has just been elevated from Megastar to Maxi-Megastar
What woman has Bruce been with? The rag magazines always link Bruce with somebody. Dave has a list but before he can read from it, Bruce grabs the page and responds to each name without mentioning the name.
"Yes, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no, yes. . ."
"This girl turned out to be a guy so this is a 'no.'"
"Yes, the whole team."
"Yes, all the women on 'The View.'"
Bruce decides to stop there even though there were many more on the list.

It's Dave's birthday today and Bruce exclaims, "I hope I look as good as you when I turn 70." Dave mumbles that he's only 60. Oops.
Bruce has one bit of advice for Dave: "Triple up on the Viagra." Says Dave, "It would be like I was constantly hailing a cab."
We have magician Jason Randal on later, a sleight-of-hand card magician. Does Bruce know any magic? Not really, but take a look at this . . . Bruce ever-so-cleverly turns his back to the audience for just a split second, slips something into his mouth, and then pulls out yards and yards of a paper stream. How did he do that? He truly is a maxi-maga-star.
And he's come out with a new line of celebrity greeting cards. Open it up and you hear a recording of Bruce singing Happy Birthday. This one we see sings to Charles. He's only up to the Cs. It's still a work in progress.
Bruce's new film, "Perfect Stranger" opens tomorrow. Dave calls it super creepy and just when you think you have it figured out, it changes on you. And then it changes again. And then changes back, and then changes one more time.

ACT 6: we see a piece of cake Alan announce: "Tonight's 'Late Show' has been brought to you by . . . cake! Cake! Cake! Wouldn't you like a nice slab of cake right now? Mmmmmmm . . . . cake. We'll be right back."

ACT 7
JASON RANDAL: Sleight-of-hand magician. This is his third year in a row that he's appeared on Dave's birthday. Doesn't everybody want a magician at their birthday party?
Jason starts by changing a one-dollar bill into a hundred. The guy's a regular Trump. Dave asks, "Do you have to report that?" He then makes pennies disappear and then reappear as quarters. And then he makes two blank sticks turn into sticks with diamond, rubies, and other gemstones. The guy was making money so fast I thought he was an oil company. He then does a few card tricks that baffled all. Dave tried his best not to pick the card he thought Jason was directing him to but it didn't help. Jason found every card Dave chose. And as always I was amazed at Jason's work, a real work of art, and then grew frustrated and wanted to beat him up.

And that was our show for Thursday, April 12, 2007.



From my New College Edition American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (1975)
BEE: 2. A social gathering where people combine work, competition, and amusement
I guess that's why a newspaper could be called a "Bee," such as The Modesto Bee

You may not recognize me in a month. I bought an Anthony "Tony" Robbins Self-Improvement cassette tape set at a garage sale last week. I'm to listen to one tape a day for a month. At the end of that time I should be a new man and free of my self-destructive habits. Will it work? I don't know, but if I'm still doing the Wahoo Gazette in June, then, no, it didn't work.

IMUS FIRED
(I wrote this on Thursday before the firing of Imus by CBS) This Imus thing has gotten out of control and everybody has an opinion. It seems now that all of a sudden Imus is terribly insensitive. I laugh at the many columnist and reporters and politicians who are shocked at what Imus had said. But what he said is nothing new and everybody knows it's nothing new. This line of