"...and now, with probiotic cultures...David Letterman!

ACT 1
This happened for the 2nd time to Dave. When something happens two times, it makes you go "hmmm." The other day, Arsenio . . . I mean Dave, was approached by a guy who shook Dave's hand. Immediately afterwards, the guy apologized when he realized that Dave doesn't like to shake hands since he has a germ phobia.
The first time this happened was some years back when he went to a doctor for an exam. The doctor checked Dave's liver, which he said was the size of Dave's desk due to his penchant for the drink. After the doctor shook Dave's hand, he apologized, knowing of Dave's fear of shaking hands.
But Dave doesn't have a fear of shaking hands. He doesn't have a fear of germs. But how do you say you don't fear germs? Dave doesn't like germs, but he doesn't hate them or fear them. It's Howie Mandel who has the germ fear. Not Dave.

We had one heckuva rainfall on Sunday: over 7 inches fell on Central Park and by the time it was all over, it was more than 8. It was the wettest day in the city since 1882. And it was coupled with high winds.
Tonight, Tony Mendez will recreate what we from the metropolitan area went through. Tony holds up a watering can and poured it in front of the camera lens. He leans in and blows to simulate the wind. And that's the way it was, Sunday, April 15th, 2007.

Regis Philbin called into his show again this morning to give an update on his condition following heart bypass surgery. He's recovering, but he's still in a lot of pain. We have a clip of that phone call.
We see Kelly Ripa at the "Live! With Regis and Kelly" desk with Mark Consuelos. Kelly is excited to hear from Regis. Regis responds with groans and moans and coughs and wheezing. He sounds to be in great pain. And it is said he's due back in a couple weeks. But he really doesn't sound close to being ready.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "I also reminded him that uhhhh . . . . ."

ACT 2
Dave has no problem with germs. In fact, it's just the opposite. All day long Dave goes around telling people, "Please, touch me."

SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Herald-Journal (Greensboro, Georgia): "The Greensboro Chicken is missing. Reward for information: Grilled chicken sandwich at the Red Rooster." Dave reads some more of the article . . . "The chicken's name is Butt Butt, and also goes by 'Gert.'" -The Daily Vidette (Illinois State University, Normal, Illinois): Crime report. "A male was arrested for stealing three cookies from Watterson Food Court. The suspect claimed to have had the cookies for days, but the officers found them to be still soft."
Dave plays the police officer who broke the case, booking the cookie bandit and taking him away in the police cruiser.
-A flyer from Super Fresh Supermarket in Delaware: This is quite a deal: "Save zero cents on Dixie Cups. Assorted Varieties." The coupon is for .00 cents. And there's worse news. The coupon expired last week.
-The Valley News (Temecula, California): Here's a garage sale listing: "Saturday 3/24. Tools, jewelry, loads of miscellaneous. 1330 E. Fallbrook Street (across from Debby.) -The Herald Standard (Uniontown, Pennsylvania) "Inmate charges abuse in lawsuit. Felzio Cartilano, 31, alleged that six guards attacked him,