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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Amy Sedaris; Chuck Liddell; and Jordan Zevon. PLUS:A New Shiv by Tiffany; Paris Thanks Her Fans; the Reagan Diaries; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; a New Sponsor, Planters Peanuts; and Ask Paris Hilton.
“ . . . and now, high school All-American Field Hockey Prep Star . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
Dave calls out Chuck Liddell.
And then later, Jordan will fight Chuck Liddell.
There are already companies trying to make money out of this Paris Hilton situation. Dave shows something he found today while browsing at Tiffany’s. Dave opens the lovely Tiffany box to reveal a jewel-encrusted shiv for the hotel heiress in your life. It’s lovely.
Paris Hilton was released from prison this morning. She issued this statement to her fans. “Paris Hilton is out of jail! Paris thanks her fans for their continued support and makes this promise: if you signed up for a conjugal visit that is now cancelled, Paris will still honor the appointment! Contact Paris’ office to confirm date, location, and to reserve video equipment! Paris Hilton --- Walking the streets again!”
Dave takes a moment to say he would like to marry Paris. He knows it wouldn’t last but, still . . . Dave feels he could be a husband, a friend, and a father figure to young Paris. Paul would like to have them over to the house.
The Reagan Diaries – For the past few weeks, we have been highlighting passages from Ronald Reagan’s personal diaries. As Dave works his way through the introduction to the piece, he sort of gets sidetracked and loses his place. He continues to talk in hopes he find his way back on target to cue the video clip but soon becomes exhausted and can’t quite finish. Paul urges Dave to continue; “Oh, you’re almost there! Come on! You were so close!” Dave appreciates Paul’s encouragement and continues on. Here is tonight’s entry to the Reagan Diaries. Announce: “November 4, 1980: After a long, bitter haul, Election Day finally arrived and I’m happy to say I defeated Jimmy Carter. Because of the harsh tone of the campaign, when President Carter called to graciously concede, I told him he could ‘bite my ass.’
This has been an excerpt from the Reagan Diaries.”
Dave holds up a photo of what it would be like if Dave and Paris attended the MTV Movie Awards together. Yes, the do make a lovely couple.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: “With unbreakable faith in the power of liberty, you will inspire your people, you will lead your nations, and you will change the word . . . world.”
My favorite part of this was seeing the President nearly jump out of his shoes trying to retrieve the word “word” and replace it with “world.”
ACT 2 ASK PARIS HILTON
LATE SUNDAY, PARIS HILTON WAS TAKEN INTO CUSTODY TO BEGIN SERVING HER PRISON SENTENCE. AFTER 5 DAYS SHE WAS RELEASED AND GUESS WHAT --- SHE’S HERE TONIGHT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PARIS HILTON.
Mulligan enters wearing typical pocket t-shirt and jeans.
Band plays “You Be Illin’” by Run DMC
DAVE: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE. LET’S TRY ONE…
BARRY KINCAID, SPARTA, TENNESSEE: “WHY WERE YOU RELEASED EARLY?” Paris: “Let’s just say the Yankees are really desperate for pitching.”
- rim shot
Mulligan (yells): Are my dawgs in da house? Woof! Woof! Woof!
CRAIG FINN, BROOKLYN, NEW YORK: “HOW DID THE OTHER WOMEN TREAT YOU?” Paris: “They cursed me. They pulled my hair. They spit on me. It was l like hanging out with Lindsay Lohan.”
- rim shot
Mulligan: “Hi-oooooooooo” -- Mulligan throws confetti.
BILL NORRETT, FRESNO, CALIFORNIA: “IF YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER HOUSE ARREST, HOW COME YOU’RE AT THE LATE SHOW?” Paris: “Oh, it looks like we got us a snitch.”
(Gerry turns to camera, holds up shiv and snarls)
“Snitches get cut.”
MARIA STANFORD, JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING: “HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE SOLITARY CONFINEMENT? Paris:“Deathly quiet and miserable. . . kinda just like this audience.”
rim shot
Mulligan, in Urkel voice: “Uh, oh, did I just do that?”
JOAN COLES, TEMPE, ARIZONA: “CAN YOU CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT YOU’LL NEVER GET ANOTHER DUI?” Paris: “DUI?”
Dave: YES, DUI. Paris: “I’m sorry, I’m not really good with spelling.”
rim shot
Mulligan sticks out his arms like wings, makes jet noise, pretends to fly.
DON MCKINNON, SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: “THERE ARE REPORTS THAT YOU WERE RELEASED EARLY BECAUSE OF A MYSTERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION. IS THAT TRUE?” Paris: “Yes. Without revealing too much, let me just say I had sex with that tuberculosis guy.”
rim shot
(Camera snap zooms to Gerry’s face)
Mulligan: (Seductively) “Oh, yeah.”
PATTY CARLSON, PORTLAND, MAINE: “DO YOU THINK PRISON HAS CHANGED YOU?” Paris: “I’m suddenly 6’ 3” and I have a beard! Damn, you must be drunker than me.”
rim shot
Mulligan starts rapid punching: “Look at me, I’m Mike Tyson! I’m Mike Tyson!”
ROB STEINMETZ, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: “I READ THAT YOU BARELY ATE ANY OF THE FOOD THEY GAVE YOU IN JAIL. WHY IS THAT?” Paris: “Well, you know me. I’m very picky about what I put in my mouth.”
rim shot
Mulligan puts his hand under his armpit and moves his elbow up and
down, saying: “Ay ay ay ay ay ay”
KATE WINSLOW, NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE: “DID YOU FEEL LIKE YOU LOST YOUR IDENTITY IN PRISON?”” Paris: “Absolutely. The only time I said ‘That’s hot’ was when the Latin Queens tried to brand me with a mattress coil.”’
rim shot
Mulligan: “Bang, zoom!” (like Jackie Gleason on “The Honeymooners”)
RICHARD RODRIGUEZ, TULSA, OKLAHOMA: “HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO CRITICS WHO SAY YOU’RE RICH, SPOILED, AND DON’T DESERVE WHAT YOU HAVE?”
(Mulligan doesn’t answer)
DAVE: PARIS?
Paris: “Oh, sorry, I thought that one was for you.”
rim shot
FRANK BYRD, PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA: “WERE YOU ABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF CURRENT EVENTS IN JAIL?”
Paris: “No. I’ve been gone 5 days. How many Britney Spears marriages did I miss?”
rim shot
Mulligan mimes cat claws and makes a noise like a snarling cat
BOBBY KAPLAN, LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK: “WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE NIGHT YOU WENT TO JAIL?” Paris: “Well, first I was handcuffed, then I was stripped, then someone went over every inch of my body. And then I got dressed and turned myself in.”
rim shot
Mulligan begins to exit. “That’s my time. Watch, ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ this summer on FOX. If you can find a better show about dancing, watch it.”
(Band starts playing “You Be Illin” as Gerry exits)
ACT 3 TOP TEN: President Bush Global Warming Solutions
Bob Barker’s free. Get him workin’ on it.
I dunno, tax cuts for the rich?
(I’m going to miss that one when he’s gone)
AMY SEDARIS: the wild and wacky. I always enjoy the visits by Ms. Sedaris. She takes a seat and congratulates Dave on being “picked up” for another season. Amy’s been watching the show a lot lately and raves about Paul’s week. She says he’s been very funny with all the guests. She asks Dave, “So, do you know how to play any instruments?” (at least I think she said that.)
There is a lot of construction going on around Amy’s apartment downtown and she needs to find a new place to stay. She angles for an invite to move in with Dave. She then imagines what it might be like living with Dave, Harry, and the mother of the child.
Some other Amy highlights tonight: She throws a pencil through window with a crashing sound effect.
And then she makes an Al Jarreau face. I laughed very hard at the Al Jarreau reference. I have a few of his albums which I bought back in the late 70s. Around that time I also went to a George Benson/Al Jarreau concert in Westchester. And I’ve heard some, but just a little, about him every since. She makes her Al Jarreau face and we split screen it with a photo of the actual Al. It was pretty darn close.
Amy was the voice of Cinderella on the new "Shrek" film. She liked doing the voice and it is now fun doing publicity with the other voices. She is having a great time with Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, and Cheri Oteri. They are unlike most dramatic actresses. Dramatic actresses are so serious and always talk behind people’s back.
What is she doing for the summer? She is very busy. She works in the DC singing group “Capitol Steps” and sings a quick line or two. Dave laughs but doesn’t believe a word of it. Amy asks if she can stay out during the Chuck Liddell segment.
ACT 4 CHUCK LIDDELL: he’s an ultimate fighter. As soon as you see him you can tell the guy is built like a cinder block. The guy is solid. Have you seen the ultimate fighting on the Spike channel? It’s nuts. What are the rules? There are no rules. Well, there are some but it would be hard to imagine what they are once you watch a match. It’s pretty much like pitbull fighting but with people. It’s ferocious.
Did Chuck fight a lot growing up? I liked his answer. He says he didn’t start fights but he didn’t let guys back out of them either. You can tell Chuck wasn’t one of those, “Oh, yeah!” fighters. You know those ‘fighters’ I mean. One guy goes “Oh, yeah?” And the other guy goes, “YEAH!” There’s a lot of that going back and forth. And then when the teachers arrive to keep them apart, they “struggle” to break loose so they can fight. It’s all an act. I picture a Chuck Liddell schoolyard fight like this. One guy says, “Oh, Yeah?!” And Chuck says, “WHACK!” It’s over before any schoolteacher noticed a confrontation. When asked, “What happened?” Chuck would say, “I don’t know. He fell.” That’s the way I picture it.
Chuck says he wrestled 5 years in college. Stop right there. Anyone who wrestled in college has my respect. They need to say and do nothing more. They have my respect. I wrestled in high school. Every other sport you might as well wear a skirt. And that includes football. Nothing comes close to wrestling. It’s just you and the other guy. When you get beat, there’s no looking over at a teammate as if it was his fault. It all rides on you.
Dave seemed fascinated with Chuck. Dave can’t quite imagine the feeling of knowing you can beat up anyone in the room, to be the toughest guy in the crowd. We could line up all 460 audience members and Chuck would be able to pluck them down one by one, no problem. That’s gotta be a comforting and empowering feeling
Before going to commercial, Amy has another dream come true. She slaps Chuck across the face. Of course, she first asked permission.
ACT 5
Dave makes some small talk about Ultimate Fighter Chuck Liddell. The then produces a far of Planters Peanuts from behind the desk. Dave then puts on a huge Planters Peanuts hat adorned with a monocle.
Dave: “This portion of the Late Show is brought to you by Planters Peanuts. Planters Peanuts. Make sure your next party packs a crunch by keeping those snack bowls brimming with the great taste of Planters Peanuts.”
Freeze frame. Alan v.o.: “Planters has been America’s favorite brand of peanuts for almost 100 years! Available at fine supermarkets everywhere. We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6 Announce: “Is everybody ready? Because it’s time for ‘The Late show iPhone Giveaway!’ The Late Show is giving away one iPhone to a lucky audience member . . .. later this summer! This has been ‘The Late Show iPhone Giveaway!’ That’s how we roll.”
ACT 7 JORDAN ZEVON: He is the son of the late great Warren Zevon. While rummaging through his dad’s belongings, he came across some old unreleased recordings. They are now available in a new Warren Zevon CD, “Preludes: Rare and Unreleased Recordings.” Jordan performs an old Warren song not found on this CD, entitled “Searching for a Heart.” The song includes a phrase Dave has used many times before: “You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.” And Jordan did a fine rendition, sounding much like his dad. Jordan will have his own CD in stores in the near future.
And that was our show for Thursday, June 7, 2007.
There are so many things wrong with this whole Paris Hilton debacle. First of all, her incarceration was treated as if it was big news. No, make that second of all . . . the real “first of all” is that we treat HER as if she is big news. She is not. Actually, she is closer to nothing than to big news. But she somehow became big news and she is now using it for all she’s worth . . . I mean, for more than she’s worth. So she goes to jail . . . BIG NEWS. She is in jail . . . BIG NEWS. She is released from jail . . . BIGGER NEWS. And now this simple little thing that should mean nothing to any of us involves the legal system and brings in so many implications about incarceration, race, and wealth. Well, good for Paris, and shame shame shame on the people in charge of this in Los Angeles.
All this attention on Paris when there is a war going on. You remember the war, don’t you? Other than it taking up a minute on the news and a half page in the newspaper each day, how has the war affected you? My guess is not much. And that’s just how the government wants to keep it. Keep on keeping on.
Oh, and speaking of scandals . . . . . that Washington DC Madame thing has sort of slid away unnoticed, hasn’t it. My guess is too many people high up in the media world were involved and so they decided it was no longer newsworthy.
“We stayed outside til two,
Waiting for the light to come back,
But hid in talk I knew,
Until you asked what I was thinking.
And everywhere I go,
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that travelled far had found me.”
And now, even more useless information from “The Ultimate Book of Useless Information” by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- The Queen of the Blues: Dinah Washington
- The Queen of Soul: Aretha Franklin
- The Queen of Disco: Donna Summer
- The King of Swing: Benny Goodman
- The King of the Cowboys: Roy Rogers
- The King: Elvis Presley
Sorry, but that’s all I got today. I don’t have as much time as I once did. If I have left you wanting, you can always read this again.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Holy Cow, she’s 21! To my lovely niece on this her 21st birthday, a student at SUNY Cortland, it’s Laura Spitz. Happy Birthday, Laura!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Amy Sedaris; Chuck Liddell; and Jordan Zevon. PLUS:A New Shiv by Tiffany; Paris Thanks Her Fans; the Reagan Diaries; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; a New Sponsor, Planters Peanuts; and Ask Paris Hilton.
“ . . . and now, high school All-American Field Hockey Prep Star . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
Dave calls out Chuck Liddell.
And then later, Jordan will fight Chuck Liddell.
There are already companies trying to make money out of this Paris Hilton situation. Dave shows something he found today while browsing at Tiffany’s. Dave opens the lovely Tiffany box to reveal a jewel-encrusted shiv for the hotel heiress in your life. It’s lovely.
Paris Hilton was released from prison this morning. She issued this statement to her fans. “Paris Hilton is out of jail! Paris thanks her fans for their continued support and makes this promise: if you signed up for a conjugal visit that is now cancelled, Paris will still honor the appointment! Contact Paris’ office to confirm date, location, and to reserve video equipment! Paris Hilton --- Walking the streets again!”
Dave takes a moment to say he would like to marry Paris. He knows it wouldn’t last but, still . . . Dave feels he could be a husband, a friend, and a father figure to young Paris. Paul would like to have them over to the house.
The Reagan Diaries – For the past few weeks, we have been highlighting passages from Ronald Reagan’s personal diaries. As Dave works his way through the introduction to the piece, he sort of gets sidetracked and loses his place. He continues to talk in hopes he find his way back on target to cue the video clip but soon becomes exhausted and can’t quite finish. Paul urges Dave to continue; “Oh, you’re almost there! Come on! You were so close!” Dave appreciates Paul’s encouragement and continues on. Here is tonight’s entry to the Reagan Diaries. Announce: “November 4, 1980: After a long, bitter haul, Election Day finally arrived and I’m happy to say I defeated Jimmy Carter. Because of the harsh tone of the campaign, when President Carter called to graciously concede, I told him he could ‘bite my ass.’
This has been an excerpt from the Reagan Diaries.”
Dave holds up a photo of what it would be like if Dave and Paris attended the MTV Movie Awards together. Yes, the do make a lovely couple.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: “With unbreakable faith in the power of liberty, you will inspire your people, you will lead your nations, and you will change the word . . . world.”
My favorite part of this was seeing the President nearly jump out of his shoes trying to retrieve the word “word” and replace it with “world.”
ACT 2 ASK PARIS HILTON
LATE SUNDAY, PARIS HILTON WAS TAKEN INTO CUSTODY TO BEGIN SERVING HER PRISON SENTENCE. AFTER 5 DAYS SHE WAS RELEASED AND GUESS WHAT --- SHE’S HERE TONIGHT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PARIS HILTON.
Mulligan enters wearing typical pocket t-shirt and jeans.
Band plays “You Be Illin’” by Run DMC
DAVE: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE. LET’S TRY ONE…
BARRY KINCAID, SPARTA, TENNESSEE: “WHY WERE YOU RELEASED EARLY?” Paris: “Let’s just say the Yankees are really desperate for pitching.”
- rim shot
Mulligan (yells): Are my dawgs in da house? Woof! Woof! Woof!
CRAIG FINN, BROOKLYN, NEW YORK: “HOW DID THE OTHER WOMEN TREAT YOU?” Paris: “They cursed me. They pulled my hair. They spit on me. It was l like hanging out with Lindsay Lohan.”
- rim shot
Mulligan: “Hi-oooooooooo” -- Mulligan throws confetti.
BILL NORRETT, FRESNO, CALIFORNIA: “IF YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER HOUSE ARREST, HOW COME YOU’RE AT THE LATE SHOW?” Paris: “Oh, it looks like we got us a snitch.”
(Gerry turns to camera, holds up shiv and snarls)
“Snitches get cut.”
MARIA STANFORD, JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING: “HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE SOLITARY CONFINEMENT? Paris:“Deathly quiet and miserable. . . kinda just like this audience.”
rim shot
Mulligan, in Urkel voice: “Uh, oh, did I just do that?”
JOAN COLES, TEMPE, ARIZONA: “CAN YOU CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT YOU’LL NEVER GET ANOTHER DUI?” Paris: “DUI?”
Dave: YES, DUI. Paris: “I’m sorry, I’m not really good with spelling.”
rim shot
Mulligan sticks out his arms like wings, makes jet noise, pretends to fly.
DON MCKINNON, SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: “THERE ARE REPORTS THAT YOU WERE RELEASED EARLY BECAUSE OF A MYSTERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION. IS THAT TRUE?” Paris: “Yes. Without revealing too much, let me just say I had sex with that tuberculosis guy.”
rim shot
(Camera snap zooms to Gerry’s face)
Mulligan: (Seductively) “Oh, yeah.”
PATTY CARLSON, PORTLAND, MAINE: “DO YOU THINK PRISON HAS CHANGED YOU?” Paris: “I’m suddenly 6’ 3” and I have a beard! Damn, you must be drunker than me.”
rim shot
Mulligan starts rapid punching: “Look at me, I’m Mike Tyson! I’m Mike Tyson!”
ROB STEINMETZ, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: “I READ THAT YOU BARELY ATE ANY OF THE FOOD THEY GAVE YOU IN JAIL. WHY IS THAT?” Paris: “Well, you know me. I’m very picky about what I put in my mouth.”
rim shot
Mulligan puts his hand under his armpit and moves his elbow up and
down, saying: “Ay ay ay ay ay ay”
KATE WINSLOW, NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE: “DID YOU FEEL LIKE YOU LOST YOUR IDENTITY IN PRISON?”” Paris: “Absolutely. The only time I said ‘That’s hot’ was when the Latin Queens tried to brand me with a mattress coil.”’
rim shot
Mulligan: “Bang, zoom!” (like Jackie Gleason on “The Honeymooners”)
RICHARD RODRIGUEZ, TULSA, OKLAHOMA: “HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO CRITICS WHO SAY YOU’RE RICH, SPOILED, AND DON’T DESERVE WHAT YOU HAVE?”
(Mulligan doesn’t answer)
DAVE: PARIS?
Paris: “Oh, sorry, I thought that one was for you.”
rim shot
FRANK BYRD, PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA: “WERE YOU ABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF CURRENT EVENTS IN JAIL?”
Paris: “No. I’ve been gone 5 days. How many Britney Spears marriages did I miss?”
rim shot
Mulligan mimes cat claws and makes a noise like a snarling cat
BOBBY KAPLAN, LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK: “WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE NIGHT YOU WENT TO JAIL?” Paris: “Well, first I was handcuffed, then I was stripped, then someone went over every inch of my body. And then I got dressed and turned myself in.”
rim shot
Mulligan begins to exit. “That’s my time. Watch, ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ this summer on FOX. If you can find a better show about dancing, watch it.”
(Band starts playing “You Be Illin” as Gerry exits)
ACT 3 TOP TEN: President Bush Global Warming Solutions
Bob Barker’s free. Get him workin’ on it.
I dunno, tax cuts for the rich?
(I’m going to miss that one when he’s gone)
AMY SEDARIS: the wild and wacky. I always enjoy the visits by Ms. Sedaris. She takes a seat and congratulates Dave on being “picked up” for another season. Amy’s been watching the show a lot lately and raves about Paul’s week. She says he’s been very funny with all the guests. She asks Dave, “So, do you know how to play any instruments?” (at least I think she said that.)
There is a lot of construction going on around Amy’s apartment downtown and she needs to find a new place to stay. She angles for an invite to move in with Dave. She then imagines what it might be like living with Dave, Harry, and the mother of the child.
Some other Amy highlights tonight: She throws a pencil through window with a crashing sound effect.
And then she makes an Al Jarreau face. I laughed very hard at the Al Jarreau reference. I have a few of his albums which I bought back in the late 70s. Around that time I also went to a George Benson/Al Jarreau concert in Westchester. And I’ve heard some, but just a little, about him every since. She makes her Al Jarreau face and we split screen it with a photo of the actual Al. It was pretty darn close.
Amy was the voice of Cinderella on the new "Shrek" film. She liked doing the voice and it is now fun doing publicity with the other voices. She is having a great time with Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, and Cheri Oteri. They are unlike most dramatic actresses. Dramatic actresses are so serious and always talk behind people’s back.
What is she doing for the summer? She is very busy. She works in the DC singing group “Capitol Steps” and sings a quick line or two. Dave laughs but doesn’t believe a word of it. Amy asks if she can stay out during the Chuck Liddell segment.
ACT 4 CHUCK LIDDELL: he’s an ultimate fighter. As soon as you see him you can tell the guy is built like a cinder block. The guy is solid. Have you seen the ultimate fighting on the Spike channel? It’s nuts. What are the rules? There are no rules. Well, there are some but it would be hard to imagine what they are once you watch a match. It’s pretty much like pitbull fighting but with people. It’s ferocious.
Did Chuck fight a lot growing up? I liked his answer. He says he didn’t start fights but he didn’t let guys back out of them either. You can tell Chuck wasn’t one of those, “Oh, yeah!” fighters. You know those ‘fighters’ I mean. One guy goes “Oh, yeah?” And the other guy goes, “YEAH!” There’s a lot of that going back and forth. And then when the teachers arrive to keep them apart, they “struggle” to break loose so they can fight. It’s all an act. I picture a Chuck Liddell schoolyard fight like this. One guy says, “Oh, Yeah?!” And Chuck says, “WHACK!” It’s over before any schoolteacher noticed a confrontation. When asked, “What happened?” Chuck would say, “I don’t know. He fell.” That’s the way I picture it.
Chuck says he wrestled 5 years in college. Stop right there. Anyone who wrestled in college has my respect. They need to say and do nothing more. They have my respect. I wrestled in high school. Every other sport you might as well wear a skirt. And that includes football. Nothing comes close to wrestling. It’s just you and the other guy. When you get beat, there’s no looking over at a teammate as if it was his fault. It all rides on you.
Dave seemed fascinated with Chuck. Dave can’t quite imagine the feeling of knowing you can beat up anyone in the room, to be the toughest guy in the crowd. We could line up all 460 audience members and Chuck would be able to pluck them down one by one, no problem. That’s gotta be a comforting and empowering feeling
Before going to commercial, Amy has another dream come true. She slaps Chuck across the face. Of course, she first asked permission.
ACT 5
Dave makes some small talk about Ultimate Fighter Chuck Liddell. The then produces a far of Planters Peanuts from behind the desk. Dave then puts on a huge Planters Peanuts hat adorned with a monocle.
Dave: “This portion of the Late Show is brought to you by Planters Peanuts. Planters Peanuts. Make sure your next party packs a crunch by keeping those snack bowls brimming with the great taste of Planters Peanuts.”
Freeze frame. Alan v.o.: “Planters has been America’s favorite brand of peanuts for almost 100 years! Available at fine supermarkets everywhere. We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6 Announce: “Is everybody ready? Because it’s time for ‘The Late show iPhone Giveaway!’ The Late Show is giving away one iPhone to a lucky audience member . . .. later this summer! This has been ‘The Late Show iPhone Giveaway!’ That’s how we roll.”
ACT 7 JORDAN ZEVON: He is the son of the late great Warren Zevon. While rummaging through his dad’s belongings, he came across some old unreleased recordings. They are now available in a new Warren Zevon CD, “Preludes: Rare and Unreleased Recordings.” Jordan performs an old Warren song not found on this CD, entitled “Searching for a Heart.” The song includes a phrase Dave has used many times before: “You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.” And Jordan did a fine rendition, sounding much like his dad. Jordan will have his own CD in stores in the near future.
And that was our show for Thursday, June 7, 2007.
There are so many things wrong with this whole Paris Hilton debacle. First of all, her incarceration was treated as if it was big news. No, make that second of all . . . the real “first of all” is that we treat HER as if she is big news. She is not. Actually, she is closer to nothing than to big news. But she somehow became big news and she is now using it for all she’s worth . . . I mean, for more than she’s worth. So she goes to jail . . . BIG NEWS. She is in jail . . . BIG NEWS. She is released from jail . . . BIGGER NEWS. And now this simple little thing that should mean nothing to any of us involves the legal system and brings in so many implications about incarceration, race, and wealth. Well, good for Paris, and shame shame shame on the people in charge of this in Los Angeles.
All this attention on Paris when there is a war going on. You remember the war, don’t you? Other than it taking up a minute on the news and a half page in the newspaper each day, how has the war affected you? My guess is not much. And that’s just how the government wants to keep it. Keep on keeping on.
Oh, and speaking of scandals . . . . . that Washington DC Madame thing has sort of slid away unnoticed, hasn’t it. My guess is too many people high up in the media world were involved and so they decided it was no longer newsworthy.
“We stayed outside til two,
Waiting for the light to come back,
But hid in talk I knew,
Until you asked what I was thinking.
And everywhere I go,
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that travelled far had found me.”
And now, even more useless information from “The Ultimate Book of Useless Information” by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- The Queen of the Blues: Dinah Washington
- The Queen of Soul: Aretha Franklin
- The Queen of Disco: Donna Summer
- The King of Swing: Benny Goodman
- The King of the Cowboys: Roy Rogers
- The King: Elvis Presley
Sorry, but that’s all I got today. I don’t have as much time as I once did. If I have left you wanting, you can always read this again.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Holy Cow, she’s 21! To my lovely niece on this her 21st birthday, a student at SUNY Cortland, it’s Laura Spitz. Happy Birthday, Laura!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Tiffany Shiv • Paris Thanks Her Fans • The Reagan Diaries • If Dave Married Paris • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Ask Paris Hilton
ACT 3 • Top Ten President Bush Global Warming Solutions Read now
