COLD OPEN: Dave and Jude backstage.
Dave getting ready for the show: "How do I look?"
Jude: "First, let's talk about how you smell?"
Dave: "Great, you think I'm the only one who stinks?"

" . . . and now, corpulent Hollywood icon . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
A few years ago we did something with Starbucks that was never done before on television. Tonight, we are going to try something similar, but this time with Jamba Juice. We see a spigot at the desk. Hmmm. We'll have to wait and see. We take a look at the Jamba Juice directly across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Apple's iTunes service reached an exciting milestone yesterday. We take a look.

"Apple's iTunes Store proudly announces the 3-billionth song downloaded since iTunes' launch in 2003. Thanks to all our loyal customers. Also, another milestone: this song has now been downloaded three times!"
We see and hear a song from Regis' Christmas CD.
"Apple iTunes - Welcome to the Digital Musical Revolution.

Barbara Walters announced the comedian Whoopi Goldberg will be joining 'The View'. It's all covered in this announcement.
Announcer:

"With Whoopi Goldberg named as 'The View's' newest co-host, everyone's favorite morning talk show is back at full-strength. And if you're a fan of television hosts who are old, cranky, annoying, and bitchy, be sure to catch an all new Late Show." (photo of Dave) "Then catch Joe." (photo of Joe Franklin)

ACT 2
Weather: it's hot. And this is why were going to Jamba Juice.
92 degrees
Humidity: 44%
Barometric Pressure is steady. Thank goodness it is steady.
Wind: From the south at one mph.
Visibility: virtually unlimited at 10 miles per hour. Dave always adds the "per hour" at the end of the visibility distance. Not sure why. But it always makes me nervous that I put the wrong thing on the card. At least I'm used to it now. Now I know he's doing it for his own amusement.
He head over to Jamba Juice and we meet Jessie. She's the manager and has been with the Jamba Juice business for 3-and-a-half years now. She loves it and has great fun working there.
Tonight we have 550 feet of clear PVC tubing starting from Jamba Juice and ending at Dave's desk. We see a clip of a similar venture we did with Starbucks. We see the coffee going through the hose from Starbucks to Dave's desk . . . just the highlights, though, not the whole thing. We'll be trying the same tonight, but this time with Citrus Squeeze Jamba Juice. After seeing the Starbucks clip from 2 years back, Dave asks if we could see it again. Why? To take a look at his haircut. He used to go to "Prison Cuts" for all his haircuts. I guess it was the style back then.
OK, we are ready to go. Let's have some Jamba! Jessie turns on the tank which pushes the Jamba Juice through the 550 feet of PVC tubing. The Juice was making great time. During rehearsal, the whole trip from Jamba Juice to Dave's desk took 7 minutes. This was going much faster. Out of the store and south on Broadway to 53rd Street. At the n/w corner, the Jamba Juice made a right to go east across Broadway. At the corner it makes another right to go North on Broadway. And then it made a left into the Ed Sullivan Theater. Through the lobby, into the theater, and through the spigot into Dave's waiting Jamba Juice cup. He fills it to the brim. He finds another cup for Paul. Dave and Paul enjoy their Citrus Squeeze.
Ta da!
Like I said, this took 7 minutes during rehearsal. We were ready to do some comedy while we waited using a split screen so we could monitor the progress, but this Jamba journey went so well that Dave never called for the split screen and comedy.
And Dave got his Jamba Juice. You know, I realize Dave doesn't like going out but this is ridiculous.

ACT 3
JACKIE CHAN: From the film, "Rush Hour 3" - it opens August 10th. He was involved in an embarrassing misunderstand on an airplane recently. He reenacts the scene. He hurt his finger and he held it under his blanket. He told a stewardess. She looked at the point under the blanket and she . . . well, she didn't think it was his finger doing the pointing. Jackie was embarrassed.
Uhhh, you know I have a two-week vacation waiting for me as soon as I finish this Wahoo? Did you know that?

ACT 4
Just as Dave is about to introduce our next guest, a gentleman with a clipboard enters and takes a seat next to Dave. His name is Ted.
Ted: "Hello, Dave. Ted, from Human Resources."
Dave: "Uhh, I'm in the middle of the show."
Ted: "Then I guess we should get right to it, huh? What would you say are your strengths as an employee?"
Dave: "Well, I'm a team player. I keep my eye on the bottom line. I'm a hard worker."
Ted: "Really? How many hours a day do you work?"
Dave (sheepishly) "One."
Ted: "Uh huh. How 'bout your weaknesses?"
Dave: "Well, I have to admit I eat too much."
Ted: "That's it?"
Dave: "Yeah, that's the only thing that comes to mind."
Ted: "Let's see if I can help. (reading from a piece of paper) "Chronic lateness, inattention to detail, spends all day gossiping in the break room, failure to hand even basic tasks like photocopying, routinely stretches 30-minutes lunch break to 40 minutes, makes female employees uncomfortable, makes male employees uncomfortable. . . . .
Dave, how long have you been with CBS?"
Dave: "Well, I guess 14 years."
Ted: "Yes, and in that 14 years have you received a promotion?"
Dave: "No."
Ted: "Gee, I wonder why?"
Ted exits.
Dave says he should have offered him a Jamba Juice.

ACT 5
It's time for 'Alan Kalter - Man of a Thousand Faces!'
Tonight's face: Angry!"
We see a close up of an angry Alan face.
"This has been 'Alan Kalter - Man of a Thousand Faces!' Keep those cards and letters coming."

ACT 6
CHELSEA HANDLER: She's the host of her own brand new late night television program, entitled, "Chelsea Lately." It airs on E! And it's on directly against us.
She's also the author of the book: "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands."
And she has a history of baby sitting. It probably explains why she doesn't want any kids.
Uhhh, you know I have a two-week vacation waiting for me as soon as I finish this Wahoo? Did you know that?

ACT 7
MICHAEL BUBLE: From his CD, "Call Me Irresponsible," Michael and his band performed "I've Got The World On A String." I like that sound. Music like that can be a lot of fun.

And that was our show for Thursday, August 2, 2007.



The other day I was watching my daughter play basketball in an outdoor game. Sitting next to me was the younger brother of one of the girl's playing. He was busy with his hand-held video game. I told him that when I was his age, the only toy I had was a stick! I saw a stick and picked it up. I showed him how much fun you can have with a stick. He just looked at me like I was nuts. I gave him the stick and he slowly swung it back and forth in his fingers. After a few minutes of that, he softly tossed the stick at the fence . . . and it got caught on the fence. I congratulated him on the great throw. I took the stick off the fence and I tried it. The stick hit the fence and fell to the ground. I pretended to be angry and told him he was winning, 1-0. I gave him the stick to throw against the fence again. He threw it and it fell to the ground. I threw it and it stuck. Tie score, 1-1. He went, then I went, then he went, then I went. We played the stick game for 20 minutes. I think I made my point. And the best part of the story . . . I won 22-17.

The other day I was talking about how we here in America stay to the right when walking down the hall or up some crowded stairs or on a busy sidewalk. I wondered if people in London stayed to the left, since they drive to the left.

Kath Creel -- Sydney AUS

"In Australia where we drive on the left, yes pedestrians typically stay to the left. Also on escalators, we stand to the left in order for people who want to walk up the escalator to pass quickly on the right."

"Regarding your question as to whether the English pass on the left or right... I've never been to England but I have been to Australia (English prison) and pedestrians there do move to the left when meeting others."

"I can't speak for England, but when I visited Hong Kong 11 years ago (when it was still under British control), traffic drove on the left, and yes, pedestrian traffic also stayed to the left (at least to some extent). There were arrows painted on the stairways to the subway -- down arrows on the left side, and up arrows on the right. And that's when I had my realization about the correspondence between driving patterns and pedestrian flow!"

Deb Watson of Des Moines, Iowa:

"Rachael Ray mispronounces Worcestershire on purpose; the first time she does that on a particular show, she typically adds something about that being the way Bugs Bunny pronounces it. (I have seen her pronounce it correctly, then immediately do the incorrect, with "shire" on the end, so she can do the Bugs Bunny reference again. I like her, but that bit is getting pretty lame.)"

And now my Worcestershire joke, one I heard many years ago. And it's how I always remember how to pronounce Worcestershire. Be warned, I am a big fan of bad jokes.
--- Years ago just after the Civil War and the end of slavery, a white northern politician traveled south to see how the freed slaves were making out. The former slaves put out a big spread for their northern visitor. A big dinner was had. As the northerner sat, he noticed a sauce that everyone was putting on their meat. It was a black sauce and everyone at the table loved it, but it was new to the northerner. Wanting to do like a southerner, the politician wanted to try some of the sauce, but he didn't want to call it "the black sauce" in fear his hosts would be offended. He didn't know what to do. So picked up the bottle, lifted it up to eye level, and said to all seated at the table, "Whats-dis-here sauce!"
And that's how the name came to be.

Ahhh, I love a good groan followed by a laugh.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- Ethiopia means the "the land of sunburned faces" in Greek
- The Red Sea is so named after the algae, which, when dying turns the Red Seas's normally intense blue-green waters to red
- Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua has the only fresh-water sharks in the world
- About one-tenth of the world's surface is permanently covered in ice
- At latitude 60 degrees South you can sail all the way around the world

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
The lovely and beautiful, Denise Dooley This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER