Cold Open: Dave backstage. He is primping in front of a mirror before going on. Jude enters and sighs, "Why do you even bother?"
Dave laughs and comments, "That was quite a zinger."

" . . . . and now, incompetent busboy . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
Dave shares a story about his son Harry. Dad and boy were out and about during the vacation and Harry hears the sounds of a distant party. There's a bit of music, some laughter, and muffled conversation. Harry asks Daddy, "What is that?" Dave says it's the neighbors having a party. Says Harry with a sigh, "I better not hear, 'Hi, nice to meet you!' and "Hello, nice to meet you' while I'm trying to go to sleep."
Dave found that quite amusing. For much of the rest of the ACT 1 and 2, Dave revisits "Hi, nice to meet you" and "Hello, nice to meet you."

I "Played the Jeff Goldblum." I bet that Jeff would come out and say to Dave with obviousness, "Hello, nice to meet you."

And on our show tonight out on 53rd Street we have a guy who will attempt to hurdle 3 cars. This summer, we've had a guy jump a taxi cab on a pogo stick; do a somersault over a car; and a guy who did a flip over a car and slam dunked a basketball. We meet Jeff Clay of Georgia. The former member of his high school track team describes what he will attempt to do. Lined up about 20 feet apart are 3 automobiles; a Hyundia Tiburon; a Chrysler Crossfire; and a Mazda MX-3. And he's featured in the new issue of "Ripley's Believe It Or Not." Asks Paul, "For hurdling over cars?" Dave sarcastically replies, "No, for eating a thousand doughnuts in a minute."
We will watch Jeff's attempt a little later in the program.

Here's a treat . . . . it's the new home run king of baseball, Barry Bonds! Out rides the heavy Lance Armstrong on a bike. Lance rides across the stage, up the aisle, and out through the back of the house. That wasn't really Barry Bonds . . . . and I don't think that was really Lance Armstrong.
And now for a peek behind the scenes: We decided to do this minutes before the start of the show. Luckily, the fat Lance Armstrong guy was available. But what about the bicycle? We had one on hand, but it had a flat tire. The last I saw was our scenic designers hard at work trying to pump it up for a temporary fix. Meanwhile, another staffer was out on Broadway looking to "rent" a 10-speed from anyone passing by. The bike the guy rode looked like the bike that had the flat tire. We were able to get a spare while Dave was doing the monologue.

As Lance Armstrong rides out the back of the house, we return to find the camera fixed on an elderly old guy in the audience. That's right, not an elderly guy . . . not an old guy . . . but an elderly old guy. Dave the host gets the attention of Dave the cameraman. What's going on? Cameraman Dave Dorsett explains, "Oh, sorry, Dave. I thought that really old guy was you." Dorsett can say things like that. He can retire anytime he wants.
Dorsett wheels the camera around from the old guy in the audience back to Dave. Dave the Host enjoyed that so much he asked Dorsett to give it another big spin. Dorsett spins the expensive piece of equipment around with a hard shove.

Dave throws the blue card through the window behind him and we hear the window crash, followed by 13 seconds of Jose Feliciano's "Old Turkey Buzzard."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES - Oh, I don't know which one we used. It was a "Greatest Hits" one, I think. Something about investing.

ACT 2
Dave mentions the recent passing of Merv Griffin. He had nice words for the former talk show host, praising Merv for giving up-and-coming comedians the chance to perform on his show. Merv treated them with respect when they probably didn't really deserve it. And Dave confesses he would often ask the question, "Is Merv dead or alive?" and use it as comedy fodder. He admits it may now seem a bit inappropriate. But when you think of it, the question still holds. The only thing that's changed is the answer.

TOP TEN: Good Things About Marrying Into the Bush Family - Daughter Jenna is engaged to be married.
8. It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar
2. W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in the bedroom

Jeff Clay is out on 53rd Street. He's ready to hurdle the three cars. With the rain slightly falling, Jeff runs west and hurdles the Hyundai Tiburon. He barely clears the mobile and nearly falls. Jeff quickly regains his footing and approaches the Chrysler Crossfire. He clears that cleanly. One more to go. Jeff leaps over the Mazda to finish the run. Nice job, Jeff.

I ran some hurdles in high school. My hurdling style looked exactly like Jeff's. I would hit 7 of ten hurdles and nearly fall at least twice. I took up hurdling when I broke the school record during practice. It was later discovered that two hurdles were missing and the distance was 20 yards shorter than it was supposed to be. But it was too late to switch events. The coach had already made me the hurdler.

ACT 3-4
JEFF GOLDBLUM: I always enjoy his visits. Great story teller; very interesting.
Jeff stars in a new film entitled "Pittsburgh." It premieres August 26that 10:00 PM on the TV's Starz Cinema. It's half documentary, half mocumentary.
Dave asks how Jeff spent his summers growing up. Jeff grew up in Pittsburgh and the family vacations involved packing the station wagon and heading out to Atlantic City. He remembers sitting in the back of the car with his 3 siblings while his parents chain smoked in the front. I laughed at this. My wife Denise always tells the same story. Once time, her dad flicked a cigarette ash out the car window on the way home from a week at the Jersey shore. The ash flew back in the car through the backseat window and became embedded in the sunburnt chest of Denise's sister. Most in the family laugh at that story now.

My family used to go camping in the summer. We would travel 12 hours to get to the Outer Banks or Virginia Beach. The only entertainment the 5 kids in the back had was pressing our nose against the window and watching Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, and North Carolina go by. We did this for 12 hours. Things have changed. Now when I drive to the Jersey shore, my girls are screaming for us to put in a DVD when we're not even out of the driveway. But back to Jeff Goldblum. . .

Jeff says how he remembers being a litterbug before it was against the law to be a litterbug. On the trip to Atlantic City, the kids would eat a big lunch at a stop and then take the bag of garbage back in the car. They would then toss the garbage out of the car piece by piece onto the highway. It was fun to watch the garbage fly.
Dave says his family was just the opposite. He remembers cleaning up after the likes of Goldblum to keep America beautiful. I immediately thought back to the time we were having fun with the hose cam on Broadway. There was a piece of paper sitting on the sidewalk. Dave urged a passerby, any passerby, to pick up the litter and throw it in the garbage. No one stopped. Dave eventually did it himself, going out onto Broadway and throwing the garbage in a receptacle (June 21, 2006).
"Pittsburgh" - premieres on Starz Cinema this Sunday night at 10:00 PM. If Jeff Goldblum is involved, you know it's good.

ACT 5
"It's time for the 'Tony Mendez Show Preview!'
This week, you won't believe what a Late Show staffer finds in her food! It's a 'Tony Mendez Show' that you won't want to miss. Just log on to www.cbs.com/lateshow. It's gonna be crazy! We'll be right back."

ACT 6
HAYDEN PANETTIERE: She's in the hit series, "Heroes." Her name reminds many of the famed New York astrological museum, the Hayden Planetarium. Panettiere --- panna-tee-air means some kind of bread in Italian. My guess is it means "bread of the earth." And it's Ms. Panettiere's 18th birthday tomorrow. How will this milestone change her life? She doesn't think it'll change all that much, but it will enable her to buy cigarettes, buy porn, and get in real trouble with the law. Dave was hoping for something a bit more inspirational. But the good news is Hayden will be registering to vote. And on her way home, she can buy some cigarettes and porn.
We take a look at one of Hayden's earliest works on TV. She was in a head lice commercial. She quickly points out that she played the girl without the lice. We take a look at the NIX commercial, much to the surprise and chagrin of Hayden.
Hayden plays the cheerleader who heals on "Heroes." Dave mentions that much of the 2nd season has already been shot and hopes Hayden can tell us if everybody will eventually get off the island. This got a big laugh. Not one to watch much TV, I didn't quite get the joke but I think it referenced the show "Lost" instead of "Heroes."

From the Donz --- "Late Night the Day They Were Born."
Hayden Panettierre: born August 21, 1989
This Day in Late Night History:
August 21, 1989: repeat of September 8, 1986
September 8, 1986: Show returns to Studio 6A, with new equipment and effects; Brush with Greatness (with writers' embellishments); Paul's video with Don Johnson; Art Donovan; NYC Behavior Quiz; Rita Rudner; Tamma Janowitz (author, "Slaves of New York")

ACT 7
THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS: From their new album, "Challengers," The New Pornographers performed "My Rights Versus Yours."

And that was our show for Monday, August 20, 2007.



Man, I hate the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Their defense shuts down any rally the Yankees can create and then they take advantage of any misstep made by the Yanks. The Yankees used to win games like this, but now it's the Angels who do it and they do it all the time against the Yankees.
Every Angel who comes to bat, I say the same thing: "Oh, this guy always hurts us."

So I came in early Monday morning after two weeks on vacation. I wanted to be ready to go when the opening bell sounded. Traffic was great and I was in well before anyone else. I was caught up and ready to go. After the morning meeting, I went back to the office and tended to the daily duties. I sensed that everyone else must have come in early because everything was running smoothly. No one had questions, no one had demands, no one had anything extra for me to do. I was busy with my everyday chores. Later I wanted to double check on what one of the guests was hawking. I picked up the phone to call research . . . but I got nothing. No dial tone, no nothing. The phone was dead. That's when I realized the reason things were quiet this morning was because no one could get in touch with me. Once I found that out and started making calls from another office, the avalanche came down upon me and lasted the rest of the day.
Why can't things work the way they are supposed to?

We have a new home run king and his name is Barry Bonds. Did you see the historic homer two weeks ago? And then after Bonds circled the bases, surprise surprise, Hank Aaron delivered a taped message congratulating Barry on his great accomplishment. But did you see what I saw? I went back and watched it again and again just to make sure I saw what I thought I saw. When Aaron was making his taped speech, his eyes blinked "SOS."

Merv Griffin is dead. Very sad. For many years, Dave would often wonder if Merv was dead or alive. It was a joke of questionable taste, but one I thoroughly enjoyed. Dave actually phoned the Beverly Hilton Hotel on June 9, 1998 to ask if Merv was alive. I thank the great and almighty Donz for bringing this to my attention. This is how I reported that piece in the Wahoo Gazette on June 10, 1998, recapping the June 9th program:

"Dave phoned the Beverly Hilton Hotel to once and for all settle the question, "Is Merv Griffin Dead or Alive?"
Merv owns the Beverly Hilton so who would know better than those employed at the Hilton? Dave phones the B.H. We first got a recording at the busy inn. Finally, a person came on.
Savvy Dave quickly talked his way past person #1.
Cunning Dave then double talked his way past person #2.
Dave eventually got to Charlie. Charlie seemed to be a higher-up in the Merv organization. Now, I don't know Charlie but I bet his office cube is right next to Merv's. Anyway, Charlie was a hit. He was quick, sharp, and fast witted. I can see why Merv chose Charlie to be on his staff. This bit was planned to last maybe two minutes, but due to the recording and the steps it took to get to Charlie, and then when Charlie turned out to be so entertaining, the bit took about 10 minutes. This resulted in our having to cancel 'Stop Calling Me Chief,' which was scheduled to follow the Merv call. We learned that Merv is indeed alive.
By the way: Merv is not due to die till the year 2007."

This has been the most exciting year of Yankee baseball in over a decade. Games in July and August actually mean something. It's been a long slow climb back from under .500. I'm watching the Yankees play the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim right now. The Yankees were winning early, then the Angels went ahead, then the Yankees and then the Angels, and now it is tied in the 8th inning, 6-6. The Yankees just bought in Kyle Farnsworth. It won't be tied for long.

How are the Brooklyn Dodgers of Los Angeles doing this year?

And I was watching the Yankees play the Cleveland Indians last week. I always enjoyed the Indian mascot, Chief Wahoo. Some think the Indian caricature --- big grin, big teeth, big nose, red face --- is in poor taste. I never did. I liked it. And then while watching the game this weekend . . . . it hit me. Yikes! Chief Wahoo is . . . is . . . awful. Sure, Chief Wahoo has been around for years, but hoo-wee, I think it may be time to retire the Chief. And then driving to work this morning, I didn't think Chief Wahoo was so bad. I really don't have much of a spine when it comes to taking a stand on anything.

Kyle Farnsworth somehow just got out of the 8th inning. He was in trouble after the first pitch. A great play by the first baseman and a questionable "strike 3" call saved him. The third base ump called out an Angel on a checked swing. These days, just taking the bat off your shoulder will get the 3rd base ump to call it a swing. It wasn't like that 10 years ago.

Wahoo Baseball Theory: If baseball players pulled up their pant legs to their knees like they did in the old days, they wouldn't get so many low pitches called a strike.

The New York Mega Million lottery jackpot is over $175 million dollars. The next drawing is Tuesday night. If I win, this may be the last Wahoo Gazette for a while.

Football talk on sports radio bores me to tears. Some would say baseball talk in the Wahoo does the same.

I hopped on the scale today --- over 200, by quite a bit! Wow! Could be the most ever. Time for me to start doing the Tae-Bo.

50 weeks till my next two-week vacation.

Bottom of the 9th; 6-6. Mariano Rivera is now pitching for the Yankees. The Yankees survived Farnsworth. Anything is possible now. But I'm going to bed right after this inning. It's 1:30 AM EST. I have to get up soon.
Mariano just got out of the 9th after letting up two hits.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
-The blood in the famous shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" was in fact Hershey's chocolate syrup
-If you stand with your eyes six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three miles away
-Niagara Falls stopped flowing for thirty hours on March 29, 1848 because of an ice jam blocking the Niagara River.
-The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado
-If you told someone he was "one in a million," you would be saying it to about 2,000 of them in China

The Yankees lost to the LAAoA in the 10th inning. Yankee reliever Sean Henn will get the blame, but Farnsworth and Mariano were inches away from blowing the game themselves earlier in the game.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
She's getting a new knee today, it's Margaret "Peggy" Cullen. Good luck, Peg!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER