COLD OPEN: We find Jude and Dr. Phil in the green room.
JUDE: "You have to do something. Dave is out of control. He's openly hostile, he makes everyone on the staff uncomfortable, he's just a nightmare."
DR. PHIL: "Sometimes people with psychotic behavioral tendencies can't be controlled."
(widen to reveal Dave is sitting next to them, reading a newspaper. He puts the paper down)
DAVE: "Hey, you know, I'm right here."

" . . . and now, a man who wants to withdraw his 'guilty' plea . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
During the pre-show Q&A, Dave learned we had a newlywed couple in the audience, having been married just 3 days ago. Which begs the question, "What are you doing here at the Late Show on your honeymoon?"

Yet another new cast member was announced on "The View" yesterday. We take a look at a recent promotional announcement for the popular morning talk show.
Announce:

"This week on 'The View' we welcome yet another new member of the family. You won't want to miss our new, ever-expanding team of co-hosts tackle the most important issues of the day."
Cut to clip of all 5 hosts gabbing at once. This goes on for quite a while.
"'The View' - Please make it stop!"

"After resigning form the Department of Defense in November 2006, Donald Rumsfeld left Washington for a new life on his ranch in Taos, New Mexico. There he finally married his longtime girlfriend Goldie Hawn, and he spends most of his time raising alpacas for their delicious gamey meat, and marketing his signature line of designer handbags used by many of today's top celebrities. This has been 'Catching Up with Donald Rumsfeld.'"

Fascinating behind the scene details have surfaced about Britney's dismal performance at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday. We watch an announcement.
Announcer:

"According to a behind-the-scenes report, Britney Spears only has herself to blame for her disastrous performance at MTV's Video Music Awards. Britney showed a careless disregard for rehearsal, refused producers' requests to wear a more flattering outfit, and was half-drunk from pounding frozen margaritas. There's only one performer who can pull that off. (see photo of Dave) The Late Show. Then catch Chevy."

ACT 2
PSYCHIC SANDWICH - We head over to the Hello Deli and meet Rupert with Intuitive, Deborah Lynn. From Rupert's vaunted sandwich board, Deborah Lynn will attempt to guess the sandwich Rupert has prepared using her intuitive skills. Deborah Lynn gained this great and mystical power years ago when she got hit in the head with some lightning. The sandwiches on the board: (as per by the Hello Deli)
-Hello Deli Club
-The Laurie Diamond
-Tuna Crunch
-The Regis Philbin
-The Shryer
-The Miller
-Milissa Pita
-Turkey Club
-The Connie
-Farmer's Club
-The Maria Pope
-The Inky
-The Letterman
-Entertainment Weekly
-Big Ass
-Pilgrim
-Italian Connection
-The Alan Kalter
-The Jude Brennan
-The Rob Burnett
-The Stangels
-And the Blast.

What is tonight's Psychic Sandwich?
ALAN: "Hi, I'm TV's Howie Mandel. Dave, tonight's Psychic Sandwich is made with roast beef, Muenster cheese, lettuce, tomato, oil, and vinegar. It is known to Hello Deli customers as . . . . 'The Maria Pope.'"
And what are we playing for?
ALAN: "It's a brand new clock/radio!"
Deborah is blindfolded and goes into her trance. While blindfolded, Rupert places the sandwich on a platter into her hands. Deborah allows whatever is floating in the air to flow into her intuitive brain. What is tonight's Psychic Sandwich?
Deborah says, "I got 2 hits, so I'm going to name two sandwiches. 'The Connie' and 'The Big Ass.'"
Dave: "Hey, Deborah Lynn, that's my first wife you're talking about."
But of course, it is neither the Connie nor the Big Ass. Tonight's Psychic Sandwich is The Maria Pope. It sells for $6.75.
And that's how we play "Psychic Sandwich."

ACT 3-4
DR. PHIL: His TV show, "Dr. Phil" is now in its 6th season. That's a lot of shows. Has he done any paternity test shows yet like Maury?
I missed what led up to this but Dave tells Dr. Phil that he used to like drinking alone, adding, "I was like Ray Milland, Jr." I always laugh at Dave's "Ray Milland" reference. "The Lost Weekend" starring Ray Milland is one of my favorite movies.

How was Dr. Phil's summer? He says he didn't do much but did start working on his golf game and is proud to say he got a hole-in-one. It was a par 3 on hole #3. Luckily for Dr. Phil, the club pro was nearby to witness the hole-in-one. There were no other witnesses since Dr. Phil was playing alone. Ooohh, I thought this would have brought on some instant analysis from Dr. Dave. Playing golf alone? Hmmm, sounds likes someone doesn't have too many friends. Is there a problem, Dr. Phil? Is there something we should know? Dr. Phil holed the hole-in-one late in they day and in order for the hole-in-one to count, the round had to be completed. So Dr. Phil raced through the next 15 holes to beat nightfall. He then had to buy rinks for everyone in the club house afterwards, as tradition dictates.

The closest I ever came to a hole-in-one was about 5 feet. It was the 9th hole at the Rockland Lake Par 3 course. I was with friends, Dr. Phil. And waiting to tee up behind us was Bill Jorgensen, the local anchorman at the time for the Channel 5 News. I ended up bogeying the hole

What's with Britney Spears? And why does she always forget to wear panties? Dr. Phil says it's just an example of rewarding bad behavior. When these young starlets go out, their people notify the media. When they arrive, the picture-takers are there to snap their photos every step of the way. And the starlets know that when they exit the car, their privates will no longer remain private. Why doesn't someone tell them "No"? Because everyone around them is making money off them and the more publicity, the more money comes their way.
Before going to commercial, Dr. Phil lets Dave know he heard his crack on Oprah about Dr. Phil being a quack. Dave laughs and tells Dr. Phil to forget it, excusing his own behavior because he was drunk.
Does the world seem crazier and wackier today than ever before? Dr. Phil says it's not quite so. It's just that everyone has a camera phone with them these days and any mistake or misstep you take, it's recorded. No one is safe. I'm just glad I went to college in the early 80's; before cell phone cameras and video cameras were so prevalent. Some of the things I did back then is best left unseen, and for me, best unremembered.

ACT 5
It's time for the 'Tony Mendez Show Preview!'
Watch this Wednesday as Tony crashes a Late Show going-away party, with disastrous results. Just log on to www.CBS.com/LateShow. This is one Tony Mendez Show you won't want to miss.
We'll be right back."
Then read the Wahoo Gazette!

ACT 6
ANDY KINDLER
Andy is always very excited this time of year. Why's that? Because it's Emmy Week! And how about the host, Ryan Seacrest. How did they get him? What'd they have to do, place a phone call?
The Late Show is nominated for 3 Emmy Awards, and many probably don't know that Andy is also nominated for an Emmy in the category, "Actor Most Likely To Lose His Health Insurance."
Andy was watching an old HBO special, hosted by Dana Carvey, called "Young Comedian's Special." Andy is in it, from 1990. Andy noticed he hadn't been receiving any residuals from it so he called his Union delegate. Andy realized Dana Carvey wasn't calling for his residuals. Ray Romano wasn't calling for residuals. Janeane Garofalo wasn't calling for residuals. Even Bill Bellamy let it go.
Watching the Special, Andy couldn't help but notice the size of the eyeglasses he was wearing on the show. They were huge. Andy asked himself, "Did I think I could see out of my eyebrows? Doc, can you correct my forehead? I would like to be able to get vision out of my temples. I'm getting some peripheral vision from my sideburns."

And sad news, he recently attended a funeral. "Don't worry, it wasn't mine." The minister said, "Good morning" and the mourners mumbled back "Good morning." And then he says, "C'mon, people! You can do better than that!" Huh? What, a funeral has to be high energy, now? "C'mon, we're not going to get the funeral started unless we get some energy going! Are you people ready to mourn?"

Movies? See any movies this summer? Andy went to see "Delta Force" with Larry the Cable guy. Andy bellows, "Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! This movie is unwatchable!"
Andy explains the plot of Larry thinking he's going to fight in Iraq but is mistakenly sent to Mexico. What is more hilarious right now than the war in Iraq and the painfully divisive and polarizing immigration issue? And what better guy to handle that tastefully than Larry the Cable Guy?"

Fall TV? Andy is excited about the new Caveman show. Usually when you pitch a show to a network, they ask you to describe the characters 5 years from now. How will they be different? Andy wonders what the answer would be, "I don't know, maybe they'll be a little more evolved. Maybe they'll stand a little more erect.
Gigs? Andy got a call recently from a friend who offered him the chance to do stand-up at a private party. His friend would love to do it but he wasn't available. He told Andy that it was at the home of a producer "and it would be a great way to make some connections." That's just what Andy wants; doing stand-up comedy out of a karaoke amp in an awkward situation. Andy concludes, "This is the only business where this would happen. You'd never call a plumber, 'Hi, would you re-pipe my house? I can't pay you, but there will be other homeowners there. You'll be working for free, but you'll get good contacts."

I always like Andy's appearances. Makes me laugh more than a few times. Andy will be performing at the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco, September 27th through the 29th.

ACT 7
SUZANNE VEGA: From her very successful CD, "Beauty & Crime," Suzanne Vega performed "Anniversary."

And that was our show for Tuesday, September 11, 2007.



I got a phone call today. From? From Vann Burchfield, the Guinness Record holder for the longest sustained saxophone note using circular breathing. We had Aaron Bing on the show last week attempting to break Vann's record. Unfortunately for Aaron, he could not break 47 minutes, 5.5 seconds due to saliva build-up. Vann called to thank me for the explanation and clarification in the Wahoo Gazette as to who is the actual record holder. It was thought for a moment to be Kenny G; and then it was thought to be Vern Burchfield. Nope on both counts. It's Vann Burchfield. Vann told me he first learned the art of circular breathing by his music teacher, Philip McEntee (no relation). And the saliva problem experienced by Aaron Bing? Vann used to have the same problem but taught himself to tilt his head back and swallow while still playing the saxophone with circular breathing. He could keep the note going on and on. He told me he once went for 68 minutes while in training. Vann sounded like a very nice guy and is willing to give Aaron tips the next time he attempts to break the record. To find out more about Vann Burchfield, check out his website: www.vannburchfield.com

Of course, I had to google Philip McEntee.
From the Cyberkid website:

"Philip McEntee, who created the art work for the children's webpage, taught music in the Birmingham Public School System for more than twenty years. He has visited most of the libraries in Birmingham, Jefferson and Shelby Counties as a storyteller and musician. These days he spends most of his time near Montevallo, his home. He can often be seen at the American Village portraying Benjamin Franklin." http://www.bplcyberkid.org/About/

Back on Wednesday, August 22nd I included Dave's rave about the 20th Anniversary of the Regis show during the ACT 2. Except we didn't air it on the show. It wasn't supposed to be on our show. It was for the Regis show. And Regis aired the Dave salute this morning.

It went something like this:
Dave says, "A big event is coming to morning television: On September 3rd, Regis and his show will kickoff a two-week celebration for 20 years on the air. Two weeks!" Dave gets exhausted just thinking about a celebration that will last two weeks.
Paul chimes, "But they deserve it!" Dave agrees, but adds "Maybe they deserve it, but will they live through it?"
Paul thinks Kelly will be able to survive, but isn't quite so sure about Regis.

The rundown:
1988-2000: "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" - Kathie Lee's final show: July 27, 2000.
2000-2001: "Live with Regis" - during this time, Regis wins the daytime Emmy for Outstanding Talk Show host.
2001-Present: "Live with Regis and Kelly" - Kelly Ripa's first show: February 12, 2001.
Kathie Lee will make a special appearance on the program, September 14th.
Michael Gelman has been the executive producer for the entire 20 years."

Some Late Show viewers wondered why I included the above when they didn't see it on our show. Well, there you go.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR FOOTBALL PICKS
Example: the game this week between the Denver Broncos vs. the Oakland Raiders in Denver. What do you think the spread is? Got the number and the favorite? Write it down. The actual point spread is the Broncos are favored by nine-and-a-half points. If the point spread you guessed is greater than 9 1/2 points, you should pick the Broncos. If you thought the point spread would be less than 9 1/2, you should pick the Raiders.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Former Late Show itern, Jeff Boggs.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER