DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Martha Stewart; Fred Willard; and M.I.A.
PLUS: The View; the new Russian bomb; announcement from Senator Larry Craig; a TV poll; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; the football used by the New England Patriots; Mark Twain Tonight; and Billy Bob Thornton with a top ten list.
" . . . and now, a man produced in a facility that processes nuts . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1
On our show tonight, Martha Stewart. Dave recaps a bit of her background, what she over came, and why she went away for a while after killing a guy. And now she's back. And we're glad to have her.
Yesterday, the new cast of "The View" had their first official fight. One can hear a disappointing moan and groan from the audience. We have a clip of that fight.
We see the team of hosts getting in a testy disagreement and just as it really starts to get heated, color bars appear on the screen. Under the color bars you can hear a fight ensue and glass breaking and curse words being spewed. It turned ugly.
The Russian government tested a revolutionary new bomb earlier this week. We're still learning about it, but from the details that have been released so far, it seems very frightening. We see an announcement.
Announcer:
"This week, the Russians tested a device they describe as 'the father of all bombs.' This ominous weapon is among the most treacherous ever known, packing more destructive force than America's Massive Ordinance Air Blast bombs, more than our thermobaric bombs, and almost as much as this: (shot of Britney Spears dancing at the MTV Video Music Awards.)
Russia: Don't Screw With Us."
ODD DAVE: "Hey, that's a big bomb. Whoa . . . that's a big bomb!"
Yesterday, Senator Larry Craig issued a formal statement praising our progress in Iraq. In case you missed it, we had a copy of it.
Larry Craig narrates:
"Despite rampant partisan criticism, all evidence shows that we are making progress in Iraq. Our brave forces are boldly entering every part of the troubled nation, thrusting in and driving insurgents out, then thrusting again, in and out, faster and harder with ever-increasing vigor until finally the surge unleashes its glorious liberation all over . . . . I have to go to the men's room.
Larry Craig: Compassionate conservative."
According to a new poll, most people believe that television isn't as good as it used to be. The specific findings are summed up in this announcement.
Announce:
"In a recent survey, the Associated Press found that most Americans believe television programming is getting worse and worse.
74% say it began going downhill after peaking in the 1950s."
(photo of The Honeymooners)
"56% believe it happened after the heyday of the 1970s."
(photo of All In The Family)
"And 98% say television goes down the toilet every night around 11:30"
(clip of Dave at the monologue mark)
"Television: Your electronic friend."
When did television start going downhill? I don't know, but television writers should start checking their math. 74%? And 56%? Measuring the same thing in the same poll? That's a lot of percent!
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see JFK.
We see Reagan.
We see George W. Bush: at a podium, looking at someone off-camera: "I'm looking forward to you buying me lunch today . . . . . . I'm a meat man . . . ."
ACT 2
Dave has a football in his hand. It's one of the footballs the Patriots used in their game on Sunday against the New York Jets. But check this out . . . . Dave opens up one end of the football to reveal a camera lens poking out. How about that? If you're not a pro football fan, you did not get the joke. I think many in the audience are not football fans.
TOP TEN: Things Billy Bob Thornton Would Like To Say To America
8. I hope all that money doesn't change Leona Helmsley's dog.
3. I have a tattoo of Martha Stewart on my ass.
2. I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty.
Dave enjoyed that one, and I think it had a lot to do with Billy Bob's pronunciation of the word chimPANzee.
To see the rest of Billy Bob Thornton's Top Ten, you can find it someplace on the Late Show website.
Billy Bob's "Mr. Woodcock" opens on Friday. It looks funny.
ACT 3
Dave has another football at the demo table as Martha Stewart makes her entrance. What's with the football? Dave says it's another version of the Patriots football joke. This time Dave opens up the football in half, revealing a camcorder hidden inside. Dave throws it away and says people can vote online for which joke they prefer.
MARTHA STEWART: She's here to make Zucchini Fritters, but first she shows off some of what she picked from her garden.
From the garden:
- Hairy Balls. Of course this led to some comical questioning. Martha proceeded to mention Hairy Balls 4 more times, much to Dave's chagrin.
- Honey from her bees.
- Golden raspberries.
- tomateos (sp)
Dave is doubtful and wonders the last time Martha was actually in a garden. She says she was in her garden this morning. Dave doesn't believe her, claiming she has people to pick her vegetable while she rides around in a cart whipping the help. Martha denies the claim
And she has some Ocra. Dave puts the long and thin ocra up next to the hairy balls and challenges Martha to say something. "C'mon, say something now!"
Time to make the Zucchini Fritters. She hands Dave a zucchini and asks if he'll do the grating. And exhausted Dave says, "Ahh, why don't you do your own grating." Martha proceeds to do it all. Seconds later, an impatient Dave says "Why don't you just show us the finished product?" Dave looks under the demo table for the finished zucchini fritters which are not there.
Martha is a little nervous. President Clinton is coming on her show next week and isn't sure how to handle it. Any suggestions? Dave tells her, "It's tough getting him to start talking."
She's also having Usher on the show. "Have you ever had Usher on your show?" she asks Dave.
Dave answers, "Uhhh, I don't know. Maybe."
Finally when the zucchini fritters are finished, Dave invites Paul over to taste. And he enjoys.
And that's Martha. You can see her on "The Martha Stewart Show."
Dave was at his best with Martha tonight. Very very funny.
I know you're all dying to know. Here it is:
Zucchini Fritters
Ingredients
Serves 4
1 pound zucchini (about 2 medium)
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon freshly grated lemon zest (1 lemon)
10 sprigs fresh flat-leaf parsley, stems removed and leaves finely chopped, plus more sprigs for garnish (optional)
1 medium clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
Directions:
Using the large holes of a box grater, grate zucchini into a medium bowl. Add salt, lemon zest, chopped parsley, garlic, pepper, and eggs. Mix well to combine. Slowly add flour, stirring so no lumps form.
Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large saut
Martha Stewart; Fred Willard; and M.I.A.
PLUS: The View; the new Russian bomb; announcement from Senator Larry Craig; a TV poll; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; the football used by the New England Patriots; Mark Twain Tonight; and Billy Bob Thornton with a top ten list.
" . . . and now, a man produced in a facility that processes nuts . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1
On our show tonight, Martha Stewart. Dave recaps a bit of her background, what she over came, and why she went away for a while after killing a guy. And now she's back. And we're glad to have her.
Yesterday, the new cast of "The View" had their first official fight. One can hear a disappointing moan and groan from the audience. We have a clip of that fight.
We see the team of hosts getting in a testy disagreement and just as it really starts to get heated, color bars appear on the screen. Under the color bars you can hear a fight ensue and glass breaking and curse words being spewed. It turned ugly.
The Russian government tested a revolutionary new bomb earlier this week. We're still learning about it, but from the details that have been released so far, it seems very frightening. We see an announcement.
Announcer:
"This week, the Russians tested a device they describe as 'the father of all bombs.' This ominous weapon is among the most treacherous ever known, packing more destructive force than America's Massive Ordinance Air Blast bombs, more than our thermobaric bombs, and almost as much as this: (shot of Britney Spears dancing at the MTV Video Music Awards.)
Russia: Don't Screw With Us."
ODD DAVE: "Hey, that's a big bomb. Whoa . . . that's a big bomb!"
Yesterday, Senator Larry Craig issued a formal statement praising our progress in Iraq. In case you missed it, we had a copy of it.
Larry Craig narrates:
"Despite rampant partisan criticism, all evidence shows that we are making progress in Iraq. Our brave forces are boldly entering every part of the troubled nation, thrusting in and driving insurgents out, then thrusting again, in and out, faster and harder with ever-increasing vigor until finally the surge unleashes its glorious liberation all over . . . . I have to go to the men's room.
Larry Craig: Compassionate conservative."
According to a new poll, most people believe that television isn't as good as it used to be. The specific findings are summed up in this announcement.
Announce:
"In a recent survey, the Associated Press found that most Americans believe television programming is getting worse and worse.
74% say it began going downhill after peaking in the 1950s."
(photo of The Honeymooners)
"56% believe it happened after the heyday of the 1970s."
(photo of All In The Family)
"And 98% say television goes down the toilet every night around 11:30"
(clip of Dave at the monologue mark)
"Television: Your electronic friend."
When did television start going downhill? I don't know, but television writers should start checking their math. 74%? And 56%? Measuring the same thing in the same poll? That's a lot of percent!
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see JFK.
We see Reagan.
We see George W. Bush: at a podium, looking at someone off-camera: "I'm looking forward to you buying me lunch today . . . . . . I'm a meat man . . . ."
ACT 2
Dave has a football in his hand. It's one of the footballs the Patriots used in their game on Sunday against the New York Jets. But check this out . . . . Dave opens up one end of the football to reveal a camera lens poking out. How about that? If you're not a pro football fan, you did not get the joke. I think many in the audience are not football fans.
TOP TEN: Things Billy Bob Thornton Would Like To Say To America
8. I hope all that money doesn't change Leona Helmsley's dog.
3. I have a tattoo of Martha Stewart on my ass.
2. I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty.
Dave enjoyed that one, and I think it had a lot to do with Billy Bob's pronunciation of the word chimPANzee.
To see the rest of Billy Bob Thornton's Top Ten, you can find it someplace on the Late Show website.
Billy Bob's "Mr. Woodcock" opens on Friday. It looks funny.
ACT 3
Dave has another football at the demo table as Martha Stewart makes her entrance. What's with the football? Dave says it's another version of the Patriots football joke. This time Dave opens up the football in half, revealing a camcorder hidden inside. Dave throws it away and says people can vote online for which joke they prefer.
MARTHA STEWART: She's here to make Zucchini Fritters, but first she shows off some of what she picked from her garden.
From the garden:
- Hairy Balls. Of course this led to some comical questioning. Martha proceeded to mention Hairy Balls 4 more times, much to Dave's chagrin.
- Honey from her bees.
- Golden raspberries.
- tomateos (sp)
Dave is doubtful and wonders the last time Martha was actually in a garden. She says she was in her garden this morning. Dave doesn't believe her, claiming she has people to pick her vegetable while she rides around in a cart whipping the help. Martha denies the claim
And she has some Ocra. Dave puts the long and thin ocra up next to the hairy balls and challenges Martha to say something. "C'mon, say something now!"
Time to make the Zucchini Fritters. She hands Dave a zucchini and asks if he'll do the grating. And exhausted Dave says, "Ahh, why don't you do your own grating." Martha proceeds to do it all. Seconds later, an impatient Dave says "Why don't you just show us the finished product?" Dave looks under the demo table for the finished zucchini fritters which are not there.
Martha is a little nervous. President Clinton is coming on her show next week and isn't sure how to handle it. Any suggestions? Dave tells her, "It's tough getting him to start talking."
She's also having Usher on the show. "Have you ever had Usher on your show?" she asks Dave.
Dave answers, "Uhhh, I don't know. Maybe."
Finally when the zucchini fritters are finished, Dave invites Paul over to taste. And he enjoys.
And that's Martha. You can see her on "The Martha Stewart Show."
Dave was at his best with Martha tonight. Very very funny.
I know you're all dying to know. Here it is:
Zucchini Fritters
Ingredients
Serves 4
1 pound zucchini (about 2 medium)
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon freshly grated lemon zest (1 lemon)
10 sprigs fresh flat-leaf parsley, stems removed and leaves finely chopped, plus more sprigs for garnish (optional)
1 medium clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
Directions:
Using the large holes of a box grater, grate zucchini into a medium bowl. Add salt, lemon zest, chopped parsley, garlic, pepper, and eggs. Mix well to combine. Slowly add flour, stirring so no lumps form.
Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large saut
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