“Mike, Maybe you didn't know, or didn't even care, but Pago Pago, American Samoa is the Wahoo Capital of the world. That's right: The Wahoo capital of the world.
So what does this mean? It means we eat a lot of wahoo. BTW. Wahoo is not for sale. We give it away; which doesn't diminish its value. We consider it a delicacy. Just say the word and I'll send you a couple of 6 ounce cans. Add mayo and enjoy.
From Pago Pago, John Wasko”

Very little time to proofread today. I apologize in advance.

COLD OPEN: We see Dave and Executive Producer Jude Brennan in the green room.

Jude: “So who’s on tonight?”
Dave: “Tom Cruise.”
Jude: “Wow, you and Tom Cruise. It’s gonna be like ‘Rain Man 2.’”
Dave: (confused) “I don’t get it.”
Jude: “That figures.”

DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? It’s something new. We found it this morning on Good Morning America. They are doing a story about the rising gas prices. They interview a guy who is at a gas station. He complains that the cost is going up and up and up with no end in sight. He doesn’t know how much more he can take. And while he is making his statement, there is a bird sitting on his shoulder. Back to Dave, who asks, “Do we take the guy seriously? He’s got a bird on his shoulder! Why would we care what he would have to say?”

And now, “A Wahoo How Who?”
And here’s the reason why America isn’t completely outraged at the rise in gas prices. Yes, we are mad but we seem to be going about our business pretty normally considering the incessant increase . . . . . . it’s because we are paying for the gasoline with our credit cards. 15 years ago when it was paid for with cash, the rise in fuel costs at the pump would be more tangible. Now that we pay with the credit card, it sort of loses its punch. It’s sort of like gambling with chips in Vegas. It doesn’t quite feel so much like money.
This concludes the debut of “A Wahoo How Who?”

Hey, did you watch the Dynasty Reunion earlier tonight on CBS? Yeah, me neither. I didn’t watch it then; I didn’t watch it now, but still, it was pretty interesting to see what the main characters are up to now.

Announcer: “For years, we watched with envy at the platinum-plated antics of America’s favorite dynasty, the Carringtons. But where are they now?
John Forsyth, (photo of Forsyth) who played Blake Carrington, now spends time reading and playing with his great-grandchildren.
Joan Collins, (photo of Joan Collins) who portrayed the sinister Alexis, is a successful novelist.
And the man who played dashing financier Lance Stonehill (photo of Osama bin Laden) is now a terrorist mastermind residing in a lawless border region of Pakistan.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: It’s a fan favorite. First we see FDR giving his “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” speech.
JFK: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
Bush: His Botswana speech. This is a year or two old, but the way the President says “Botswana,” it almost sounds like he’s doing comedian Brian Regan.

WHAT THEY’RE DOING FOR RATINGS PERIOD: Three times a year the networks put out their best stuff in order to drive up the ratings in order to drive up their advertising fee. This is what some show are doing for this ratings period. Two and a Half Men – Charlie Sheen gets three-and-a-half hookers.
“C-Span” – Uncensored broadcast of Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta’s home video sex tape.
“Extreme Makeover” – This week, we find out what the hell happened to Kenny Rogers’ face.
Dave says Kenny’s forehead looks like it was removed and then replaced.
“Meet the Press” – to appeal to younger viewers, Tim Russert ends tough questions with, “Chew on that, bitch.”
“Oprah” – Oprah thrills her studio audience by giving everyone a free gallon of gas.
“Will & Grace” – In the series finale, Will hooks up with the gay mobster from The Sopranos.

Back from commercial, we hear from Paul and the CBS Orchestra a song from the Peter Wolf and the J. Geils Band. And now a stretch on my part . . . . or perhaps not. 70 years ago today, on May 2, 1936, “Peter and The Wolf” premiered in Moscow. Could that be why Paul played that song? Could that be why Paul mentioned Peter Wolf? Stay tuned.

TOP TEN: Signs Gas Is So Expensive – Dave reads how much gas has gone up over the past few weeks and months. He comments that when he was a kid, a buck cold take care of the whole tank. And then he asks, “And you know why? . . . . . because I’m 90!”
#10. It’s so expensive, Batman is patrolling the streets on a Schwinn.
#6. It’s so expensive, Tom Cruise agreed to be a guest for 5 gallons of unleaded.
#3. It’s so expensive, it’s negatively influencing our foreign policy, hurting millions of hardworking Americans and threatening to throw out economy into absolute chaos.
#2. It’s so expensive, Anna Nicole Smith married the night manager of a Texaco.

TOM CRUISE: He’s the big star of the new film, Mission: Impossible 3. Paul’s entrance song for Tom Cruise: “Jump.” Dave and Tom talk baby-talk during the first segment. Tom, of course, is the proud papa of a newborn daughter. Perhaps you heard about it. Dave recalls how he felt when little Harry was born. He admits that when he got Harry home, his position on the roster fell real fast. At one time Dave was the king of his castle. When the newborn arrives, it’s not true anymore. It’s all about baby . . . . the newborn baby.
Dave remembers the drive home from the hospital with the baby in the back. It’s probably the most dangerous drive in one’s life. Instead of concentrating on what’s on the road, you can’t help but look in your rearview mirror at the stranger in the baby seat. Another memory Dave had when it was time to leave the hospital was his thinking, “Holy crap! He’s coming home with me?!” They are both more than a bit amazed that the hospital gives you the baby and you have to drive it home.
Back from commercial, Dave apologizes for talking so much about Tom and the baby without asking about the mom, Katie Holmes. Tom says she is doing great and thanks Dave for asking.
Mission: Impossible 3 opens this Friday. It’s sure to be another blockbuster, with the first to M:I grossing over $400 million combined in this country alone. Tom tells of some of the dangerous stunts and injuries he went through when making the film. He managed to separate 6 ribs in the process. Dave knows about rib injuries, describing how you can’t do anything, not even laugh. I “Played The Dave” and continued with what I thought Dave would say, “and you certainly came to the right place for that.” Dave didn’t say it. I lost at tonight’s episode of “Played the Dave.”
Mission: Impossible 3 – it opens this Friday and I bet it’s playing at a theater near you.

Back from commercial, Dave introduces a new segment. It’s time for “Late Show Anonymous Staffer Confessions.”
We have a camera in our green room. A staffer is there anonymously revealing something he’s never revealed before. His face is mosaic-ed so we cannot not identify the speaker.

Anonymous Staffer: “When Dave is interview celebrity guests, I sneak into their dressing rooms and scour for valuable --- credit cards, jewelry, cell phones, furs. I’ve taken it all. After years of toiling in this dysfunctional hell hole and working for that miserable, heartless prick, I’ve earned the extra scratch. I mean look at his place . . . (anonymous staffer stands up --- the mosaic remains where it is --- the mosaic now at the anonymous staffer mid-section. We can clearly see it is Paul Shaffer) . . . it’s a dark, soulless pit . . . (Paul notices he is no longer obscured) . . . aw, ‘givl.’”

ACT 5: Audience shot. Alan appears in a circle over the audience. He motions to the camera with a nod.
Alan: “Hey, wanna hear something crazy? I killed Don Knotts. . . . . . . . . what are you gonna do about it?”

JAMIE OLIVER: Familiar to many as the Naked Chef, Jamie has a new television program on The Learning Channel entitled Jamie’s School Lunch Program. It airs on Monday night. Kids in England and here in the United States eat too much junk in the school cafeteria. It’s school . . . it should be a place of learning; a place to be safe. Jamie is trying to change what is being offered in the school lunch programs.
Tonight, Jamie, Dave and Tom Cruise will be preparing Laksa-Style Scallops with Sweet Chili Sauce. Jamie has Tom Cruise do all the fun stuff, like tossing and flipping the scallops in the frying pan, while Dave is relegated to putting vegetables in a blender. Dave is a bit disappointed in his input. Like most men when disappointed, Dave takes to the drink. He grabs a bottle of white wine from the table and takes a huge swig. Tom Cruise wants some of that and takes a swallow as well. And then Jamie wants to get in on the fun and takes the bottles and pours it down his gullet. Hey, that’s the same way I prepare a meal!
For the recipe of Laksa-style scallops with sweet chili sauce, send a self-addressed envelope to the LATE SHOW with your request . . . . or simply look down below in today’s Wahoo.

And that was our show for Tuesday May 2, 2006.



No jury duty. I was up for the Grand Jury yesterday. Out of 55 candidates, 23 were picked out of a hat to sit on the jury. The first ticket pulled out of the hat was . . . . 7 and 3/8. Old joke. Favorite joke.

I escaped. Following a half-hour taking of attendance and a half-hour videotape about the Grand Jury by Ed Bradley, which included a cheap 60 Minutes plug, the 55 of us were taken into a courtroom. There the names were pulled. Those not selected were sent back to our original room. We remained there for 2 hours without anyone telling us anything. Someone eventually came in and sent us to lunch at 1:15 PM. We were told to return an hour later. As soon as we came back at 2:15, we were told we could go home.
And now my cynical nature: The Rockland County Court House and the town of New City have a deal . . . .don’t send home the Grand Jury candidates until they have spent $10 on lunch at the local eateries. That’s a $300 take.
This concludes this chapter of “My Cynical Nature.”

This morning’s commute was one from hell. The worst of it was the unnecessary “roving construction” on the southbound West Side Highway during rush hour. Why do this during the morning rush? By the time I parked the car I felt like I had already put in a full day of work. I guess I’m just an impatient man. And then on my walk to the office, I passed a Starbucks. There was a line of 15 waiting for their morning drug. THEY WERE WAITING BY CHOICE! What are these people thinking? Is coffee really more important than their time? If they were giving away the stuff, plus throwing in $3, I wouldn’t wait on a 15-person line for coffee. Don’t these people have to get somewhere?

I was talking about the CBS Dynasty Reunion to a few staffers Tuesday afternoon. I joked that I never watched it but did enjoy Flamingo Road. Of course I never watched Flamingo Road but thought the reference would provoke some laughter. Unfortunately, my peers of similar age did not recognize Flamingo Road. This then brought doubt in to my own mind. I said “I think Morgan Fairchild was in it.” Still, it ignited no memory from those around me. Luckily we live in the 21st Century because I went to the Google and looked up Flamingo Road. DING!!! The Flamingo Road lasted two seasons in 1980-81. And it starred Morgan Fairchild and Tom Harmon. I was delighted that I was right, then troubled that I had that knowledge taking up space in my brain.

It’s something new at the Wahoo Gazette; it’s “Ask Mike”.
From DeAnne Williams of Avila Beach, California:

“When referring to Grand Central ‘Station’ on Late Show, it is my understanding it is Grand Central Terminal, not station - curious to know if that is correct.”

Grand Central Station vs. Grand Central Terminal:
“Although most people call it Grand Central Station, it is actually a terminal because this is where train lines originate and terminate.”

Richard Spears of Tulsa, Oklahoma writes to:
“Mike, You Were Wrong When You Wrote. . . .”

”Knowing that you intentionally make crap up to see if anyone is paying attention, I ‘Googled’ Phineas and ‘A Separate Peace’ and then stole...er, excerpted...this from somewhere:

’...Upon realizing his mistake and discovering that Phineas does not share Gene's envy and hatred, Gene's isolation and self-loathing deepen and he intentionally cripples the one person who wants to be his friend.’

So, your question, properly stated, should have been, ‘Did Gene really jounce the tree branch on purpose?’”

Thinking of making some of Jamie Oliver’s scallops? Here’s the recipe.

Laksa-Style Scallops With Sweet Chilli Sauce

Yield: 4 Servings

INGREDIENTS
3 limes, zested and halved
11 oz. peeled shrimp, roughly chopped
2 tablespoons fish sauce
2-3 fresh red chillies, deseeded
3 cloves of garlic
A large thumb-sized piece of fresh ginger, peeled
A large handful of fresh cilantro, leaves picked, stalks reserved
1 tablespoon sesame oil
A small handful of kaffir lime leaves
Olive oil
1 teaspoon tamarind paste
2 14 oz. cans of unsweetened coconut milk
2/3 cup chicken stock
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
7 oz. noodles or rice
12 scallops
Optional: 4 finely sliced spring onions or 1 bunch of mustard cress, chopped

Put the lime zest into a bowl with your shrimp. Squeeze over the juice of 2 of the limes and add your fish sauce. Mix well, and leave to marinate for about 10 minutes. In a pestle and mortar or a food processor, pound or blitz the chillies, garlic, ginger, cilantro stalks, sesame oil and lime leaves until you have a paste. Heat a large casserole or wok, pour in a couple of tablespoons of olive oil and add the paste, stirring quickly. Cook for about a minute before adding your shrimp and all the flavorful juices from the bowl. Allow to cook for another minute, stirring. Then add the tamarind paste, coconut milk and chicken stock. Turn the heat down and simmer slowly for about 15 minutes. Taste – you may need to add salt and pepper or more fish sauce, and just enough lime juice to give it a good twang, as Asian food should be hot, salty, sweet and sour.

Get a pot of water boiling for your noodles or rice. Now lightly score the scallops with a criss-cross pattern on one side so that when they cook they will open out to look like flowers. Get a large non-stick frying pan hot and pour in a little olive oil. Put your lightly seasoned scallops into the pan and cook for a couple of minutes on each side until golden. Halfway through, add the noodles or rice to the boiling water and cook according to the packet instructions.

Remove the scallops from the heat. Drain the noodles or rice and divide between four serving bowls, spooning the laksa stew over the top. Sprinkle with the cilantro leaves – or you can try some finely sliced spring onions or some cress to give a bit of a crunch. Then lay two or three scallops on top of each bowl. Lovely served with a dollop of sweet chili jam, which you can buy just about everywhere these days.