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TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Brian Williams; Judy Greer; and Langhorne Slim. PLUS:George W. Bush a Founding Father?; Bill Richardson Announcement; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; Late Show Fun Facts; and Will It Float?
“ . . . . and now, a sad example of urban blight . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Have you been watching the John Adams miniseries on HBO? It got Dave to wondering, “What if George W. Bush Had A Been A Founding Father.” We see a clip. Announce: “August 7, 1787. Philadelphia. During today’s session of the Constitutional Convention, George W. Bush mistook his powdered wig for a kitty. He proceeded to stroke it, kiss it, and announce to his shocked compatriots that he was naming it ‘Maxine.’ This has been ‘What If George W. Bush Had Been A Founding Father.’”
What is today’s secret ingredient? We see a clip and it’s . . . . . trout!
Former presidential candidate Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico, made a major announcement a few days ago. In case you missed it, Dave has a clip of it here.
We see Governor Bill Richardson: “I just realized that I am / fat.”
This reminded Dave of a story. It deals with the national problem of childhood obesity.
Dave recently took his son to an aquarium. There were lots of kids there. One cute little girl no more than 4 years old, was adorable . . . . but huge. It was sad to see her waddle around. When she was shown one of the fish in the aquarium, she would grab it and gnaw at it ferociously. Dave recreates the scene. It was sad. Dave says the girl was asked to leave.
I wondered about the obesity story Dave just told. My guess it was inspired by the Bill Richardson piece which followed the secret ingredient of the day: trout. That, I believe, was the impetus behind Dave’s story. Just a guess.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see the President attempt to bounce an under-inflated basketball. It falls with a thud.
There were a couple things wrong with this.
1. The President should have sensed the basketball was not fully inflated.
2. Someone should have been sure that the basketball was fully inflated. How can the most powerful man in the world be handed a basketball that is not fully inflated?
3. I would have had a fully-inflated basketball for the President.
4. If the Bush Administration can’t get a basketball that’s inflated and if the President doesn’t have the sense enough to realize the basketball in his hands is not inflated, how do we expect to win a war?
5. Instead of surrounding himself with people who pretend everything is going great and will be great, the President needs a pessimist around him who expects things to go wrong and corrects them before they do. That’s me. I’m that guy. Never take anything for granted. ACT 2:
It’s the mid-week edition of Late Show Fun Facts.
A letter from Gary Sherman, under the employ of the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information:
Dear Mr. Letterman,
I’m pleased to enclose the latest Fun Facts compiled by the FBMI.
I also want to invite Spring Breakers to visit the FBMI Hospitality Tent at Daytona Beach. Grab free snacks and FBMI keys chains. ‘F’ is the first letter in ‘Fun’ and ‘FBMI.’
Sincerely,
Gary Sherman.”
Halfway through the Fun Facts, Dave is interrupted with an announcement: “David Letterman’s wardrobe is provided by Rochester Big & Tall. When you’re looking for something Big & Tall, you’re looking for Rochester Big & Tall.”
ACT 3:TOP TEN: Signs You’re Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball #6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom. It’s an oldie but a goodie, folks. #2. Kick everyone’s all in Scrabble by putting ‘Krzyzewski’ on triple word score.
Dave doesn’t get Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski. His last name isn’t pronounced anything like the way it is spelled. Dave says it would be like his last name ‘Letterman’ pronounced “Schnauzer.”
BRIAN WILLIAMS
The anchor and managing editor of the “NBC Nightly News.” Brian Williams is one of my favorite guests on our show; very smart; very funny. He’ll take you to the right when you expect him to go left. The first time he was on our show (September 6, 1996) a surprised Dave remarked, “You may be too funny to be in news.” If I remember correctly, he was a last-minute replacement for someone who dropped out. Right off the bat he had me sitting up and taking notice. He was hysterical. And then the last time he was on, or the time before that, he told stories of being a volunteer fireman and shared stories I lived.
Tonight he talked about his recent hosting of Saturday Night Live. Exhilarating, great fun, and frightening. He admits to having to put the kibosh on more than one comedy pitch involving him. He is, after all, one of America’s most trusted people.
What’s he think of the presidential election? B.W. sees Hillary Clinton campaigning to keep the campaign for the Democratic nomination going and going and going. Hopefully there will become an opening where she can elbow her way into the lead. The pundits have explained that when everything is added up and analyzed, it’s going to be Barack Obama as the Democratic candidate but Hillary will do whatever’s necessary to make her the nominee. He warns that could backfire on her and the Party. But it is exciting to watch.
After what has happened since 9-11 and our response to it, Dave admits he has grown almost despondent with the position of the United States in the world. Brian Williams puts a personal touch to Dave’s concern. He says his daughter was in Scotland with some of college friends and doing some kind of street performance. Sadly, they were heckled. I don’t think it was because they were bad. I think it was because they were from America. But Williams strongly points out that the harm done to the image of the United States is not irreparable. We have done some great things in Africa during this Administration and we are thanked and admired for it. It’ll take a lot of work, but Brian believes we can retain high standing in the world.
ACT 4: WILL IT FLOAT?
Tonight’s Item: a 50-pound bag of coal.
What are we playing for? A hot tub!
Dave thinks it’s obvious. He says it’ll sink. Paul agrees. The Late Show models drop the 50-pound bag of coal into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . . . . sinks! Obviously.
ACT 5: Announce: “Thursday on the Late Show, Stupid Human Tricks, actress Eva Longoria, and music from Colbie Caillat. We guarantee this show will make you laugh at your money back!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: JUDY GREER
She’s from the popular new ABC program, “Miss Guided.” Hey, what’s with the red hair? Judy doesn’t usually have red hair. She just finished a movie with Jennifer Aniston and it was decided that Judy’s hair color was too similar to Jennifer’s. It would be too visually confusing. They flipped a two-headed coin and Judy had to change her hair color to red. Afterwards, it excited her bit to think that someone could look at her and say, “Is that Jennifer Aniston?”
Before becoming a successful actress, Judy worked as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub. It was a career that lasted about two hours. It’s an impossible job. It’s always too crowded and men are gross. She told the manager she couldn’t continue. He quickly chimed, “Don’t leave! The coatcheck girl just OD’d.” The coatcheck girl didn’t die, just had too much bad drugs. The coatcheck girl has the privilege of talking to all the dorks and losers who have no one else to talk to.
Jude now lives in Los Angeles and recently started a book club. She admits to not being a very good leader. Half the group was reading one book and the other half was reading another. The discussion that followed was very confusing. She hopes to have everyone reading the same book next time. Miss Guided – Thursdays at 8:00 and 8:30PM - Judy plays a guidance counselor at her alma mater. Her high school nemesis is then hired as the school’s new English teacher. They each have eyes for the hunky Spanish teacher.
ACT 7: LANGHORNE SLIM
From his eponymous album, Langhorne Slim performed “Restless.”
And that was our show for Wednesday March 26, 2008.
New York Governor David Paterson . . . . is he confessing or bragging? C’mon, enough already.
The New York Yankees open their season on Monday, March 31st. I will be watching on the TV out the corner of my eye all day. The following games I will listen to on the radio on my ride home from work. These will be the first Yankee games I’ll have listened to on the radio since last April. I boycotted the WCBS broadcasts last year. Here’s why.
It was late April 2007. I got home late and my girls were asleep. Denise was busy working on the computer. I hadn’t yet read my newspapers. I checked the pantry and found a half bag of potato chips. In the back of the fridge, much to my surprise, were 2 cans of beer. I was all set; by myself, newspapers, beer, chips, and a Yankee game on the radio. I sat down and got myself settled. The Yankees were losing 4-0 but it didn’t matter. I had everything I needed. I was prepared for a perfect half-hour of relaxation. I open my beer. I grab some chips. I open the newspaper. A-Rod is up with a man on base. Maybe there were two men on, I don’t remember. Anyway, A-Rod clouts one. Yankee announcer John Sterling nearly jumps out of his chair as he bellows, “It is high . . . it is far . . . .” My goodness. His excitement made me think the ball had the chance of crashing through my living room window 30 miles away. I tabulate the score and figure the Yankees are right back in this game. I sip my beer in celebration as if I had something to do with the homerun. But then, it isn’t a homerun. Yankee announcer John Sterling has to make a left turn in his signature announce of “It is high, it is far, it is gone.” Although it might have been high and it might have been far, it was not gone.
Sterling crushes every Yankee fan listening on the radio when he says, “ . . . it is caught!” I got up from my seat and turned off the radio. It was the last Yankee game I listened to on the radio the rest of the year. And it was only April. Well, it’s a new year and I’m willing to give Mr. Sterling and the Yankees another chance. But only ONE chance. I’ll click him off for good as soon as I hear his “It is high, it is far, it is caught.” I hope to get at least three innings in.
The Yankees like to pretend they are the class act of the league, but by allowing this hack to work the microphone shows they have no respect for their fans.
And now, a thrilling new segment in the Wahoo Gazette . . . “Is The Baby Yours?”
Tonight: Henry, with ex-girlfriend Suzanne.
IS THE BABY YOURS? ---- “Henry . . . the baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . is NOT yours!”
This concludes the premiere installment of “Is The Baby Yours?”
Are you going to tell me nobody here has ever had a Handy-Hannah?
Congratulations, Mr. Sikula. Wahoo reader Dave Sikula was a contestant on “Jeopardy” Wednesday and was crowned champion with a total of $15,000. That’s something nobody can ever take away from you, Dave, although the government will probably take half.
Watch “Jeopardy” Thursday as Dave defends his title. It’s gonna be sik!
I watched Dave Sikula on Wednesday. I usually do OK playing Jeopardy, but Wednesday I couldn’t get on a roll at all. I even struggled a little in the Rolling Stones category. Not a good night for me.
And Dave, would it have killed you to wear a tie?
Oh, I almost forgot . . . . it’s time for another installment of “Late Night" The Day They Were Born.
Langhorne Slim was born August 20, 1980. What happened on Late Night the day Langhorne Slim was born? Well, there was no Late Night yet. But there was a David Letterman Show.
“The David Letterman Show The Day They Were Born”
From the Donz:
“On August 20, 1980, Dave's morning show featured est founder Werner Erhard
and gambling expert Frank Garcia, Wil Shriner presenting a walking tour up 6th
Ave., and Dave calling Mexico to ask about cheap vacations.”
And that was “The David Letterman Show The Day They Were Born.”
Thank you for the filler, Mr. Donz.
March Madness continues. 16 teams remain with games Thursday and Friday night on CBS. With the games and the recaps, new LATE SHOWs have been knocked off the schedule. Thursday’s and Fridays’ previously viewed programs: THURSDAY: From January 31, 2008; Show #2863: Stupid Human Tricks; Eva Longoria; and Colbie Caillat. PLUS: a scalper with Super Bowl tickets. FRIDAY: From February 15, 2008; Show #2874: Charles Barkley; and Bill Burr.
Check the Wahoo archives and make your plans accordingly.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cincinnati, Ohio, it’s Tyler Collins.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Brian Williams; Judy Greer; and Langhorne Slim. PLUS:George W. Bush a Founding Father?; Bill Richardson Announcement; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; Late Show Fun Facts; and Will It Float?
“ . . . . and now, a sad example of urban blight . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Have you been watching the John Adams miniseries on HBO? It got Dave to wondering, “What if George W. Bush Had A Been A Founding Father.” We see a clip. Announce: “August 7, 1787. Philadelphia. During today’s session of the Constitutional Convention, George W. Bush mistook his powdered wig for a kitty. He proceeded to stroke it, kiss it, and announce to his shocked compatriots that he was naming it ‘Maxine.’ This has been ‘What If George W. Bush Had Been A Founding Father.’”
What is today’s secret ingredient? We see a clip and it’s . . . . . trout!
Former presidential candidate Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico, made a major announcement a few days ago. In case you missed it, Dave has a clip of it here.
We see Governor Bill Richardson: “I just realized that I am / fat.”
This reminded Dave of a story. It deals with the national problem of childhood obesity.
Dave recently took his son to an aquarium. There were lots of kids there. One cute little girl no more than 4 years old, was adorable . . . . but huge. It was sad to see her waddle around. When she was shown one of the fish in the aquarium, she would grab it and gnaw at it ferociously. Dave recreates the scene. It was sad. Dave says the girl was asked to leave.
I wondered about the obesity story Dave just told. My guess it was inspired by the Bill Richardson piece which followed the secret ingredient of the day: trout. That, I believe, was the impetus behind Dave’s story. Just a guess.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see the President attempt to bounce an under-inflated basketball. It falls with a thud.
There were a couple things wrong with this.
1. The President should have sensed the basketball was not fully inflated.
2. Someone should have been sure that the basketball was fully inflated. How can the most powerful man in the world be handed a basketball that is not fully inflated?
3. I would have had a fully-inflated basketball for the President.
4. If the Bush Administration can’t get a basketball that’s inflated and if the President doesn’t have the sense enough to realize the basketball in his hands is not inflated, how do we expect to win a war?
5. Instead of surrounding himself with people who pretend everything is going great and will be great, the President needs a pessimist around him who expects things to go wrong and corrects them before they do. That’s me. I’m that guy. Never take anything for granted. ACT 2:
It’s the mid-week edition of Late Show Fun Facts.
A letter from Gary Sherman, under the employ of the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information:
Dear Mr. Letterman,
I’m pleased to enclose the latest Fun Facts compiled by the FBMI.
I also want to invite Spring Breakers to visit the FBMI Hospitality Tent at Daytona Beach. Grab free snacks and FBMI keys chains. ‘F’ is the first letter in ‘Fun’ and ‘FBMI.’
Sincerely,
Gary Sherman.”
Halfway through the Fun Facts, Dave is interrupted with an announcement: “David Letterman’s wardrobe is provided by Rochester Big & Tall. When you’re looking for something Big & Tall, you’re looking for Rochester Big & Tall.”
ACT 3:TOP TEN: Signs You’re Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball #6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom. It’s an oldie but a goodie, folks. #2. Kick everyone’s all in Scrabble by putting ‘Krzyzewski’ on triple word score.
Dave doesn’t get Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski. His last name isn’t pronounced anything like the way it is spelled. Dave says it would be like his last name ‘Letterman’ pronounced “Schnauzer.”
BRIAN WILLIAMS
The anchor and managing editor of the “NBC Nightly News.” Brian Williams is one of my favorite guests on our show; very smart; very funny. He’ll take you to the right when you expect him to go left. The first time he was on our show (September 6, 1996) a surprised Dave remarked, “You may be too funny to be in news.” If I remember correctly, he was a last-minute replacement for someone who dropped out. Right off the bat he had me sitting up and taking notice. He was hysterical. And then the last time he was on, or the time before that, he told stories of being a volunteer fireman and shared stories I lived.
Tonight he talked about his recent hosting of Saturday Night Live. Exhilarating, great fun, and frightening. He admits to having to put the kibosh on more than one comedy pitch involving him. He is, after all, one of America’s most trusted people.
What’s he think of the presidential election? B.W. sees Hillary Clinton campaigning to keep the campaign for the Democratic nomination going and going and going. Hopefully there will become an opening where she can elbow her way into the lead. The pundits have explained that when everything is added up and analyzed, it’s going to be Barack Obama as the Democratic candidate but Hillary will do whatever’s necessary to make her the nominee. He warns that could backfire on her and the Party. But it is exciting to watch.
After what has happened since 9-11 and our response to it, Dave admits he has grown almost despondent with the position of the United States in the world. Brian Williams puts a personal touch to Dave’s concern. He says his daughter was in Scotland with some of college friends and doing some kind of street performance. Sadly, they were heckled. I don’t think it was because they were bad. I think it was because they were from America. But Williams strongly points out that the harm done to the image of the United States is not irreparable. We have done some great things in Africa during this Administration and we are thanked and admired for it. It’ll take a lot of work, but Brian believes we can retain high standing in the world.
ACT 4: WILL IT FLOAT?
Tonight’s Item: a 50-pound bag of coal.
What are we playing for? A hot tub!
Dave thinks it’s obvious. He says it’ll sink. Paul agrees. The Late Show models drop the 50-pound bag of coal into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . . . . sinks! Obviously.
ACT 5: Announce: “Thursday on the Late Show, Stupid Human Tricks, actress Eva Longoria, and music from Colbie Caillat. We guarantee this show will make you laugh at your money back!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: JUDY GREER
She’s from the popular new ABC program, “Miss Guided.” Hey, what’s with the red hair? Judy doesn’t usually have red hair. She just finished a movie with Jennifer Aniston and it was decided that Judy’s hair color was too similar to Jennifer’s. It would be too visually confusing. They flipped a two-headed coin and Judy had to change her hair color to red. Afterwards, it excited her bit to think that someone could look at her and say, “Is that Jennifer Aniston?”
Before becoming a successful actress, Judy worked as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub. It was a career that lasted about two hours. It’s an impossible job. It’s always too crowded and men are gross. She told the manager she couldn’t continue. He quickly chimed, “Don’t leave! The coatcheck girl just OD’d.” The coatcheck girl didn’t die, just had too much bad drugs. The coatcheck girl has the privilege of talking to all the dorks and losers who have no one else to talk to.
Jude now lives in Los Angeles and recently started a book club. She admits to not being a very good leader. Half the group was reading one book and the other half was reading another. The discussion that followed was very confusing. She hopes to have everyone reading the same book next time. Miss Guided – Thursdays at 8:00 and 8:30PM - Judy plays a guidance counselor at her alma mater. Her high school nemesis is then hired as the school’s new English teacher. They each have eyes for the hunky Spanish teacher.
ACT 7: LANGHORNE SLIM
From his eponymous album, Langhorne Slim performed “Restless.”
And that was our show for Wednesday March 26, 2008.
New York Governor David Paterson . . . . is he confessing or bragging? C’mon, enough already.
The New York Yankees open their season on Monday, March 31st. I will be watching on the TV out the corner of my eye all day. The following games I will listen to on the radio on my ride home from work. These will be the first Yankee games I’ll have listened to on the radio since last April. I boycotted the WCBS broadcasts last year. Here’s why.
It was late April 2007. I got home late and my girls were asleep. Denise was busy working on the computer. I hadn’t yet read my newspapers. I checked the pantry and found a half bag of potato chips. In the back of the fridge, much to my surprise, were 2 cans of beer. I was all set; by myself, newspapers, beer, chips, and a Yankee game on the radio. I sat down and got myself settled. The Yankees were losing 4-0 but it didn’t matter. I had everything I needed. I was prepared for a perfect half-hour of relaxation. I open my beer. I grab some chips. I open the newspaper. A-Rod is up with a man on base. Maybe there were two men on, I don’t remember. Anyway, A-Rod clouts one. Yankee announcer John Sterling nearly jumps out of his chair as he bellows, “It is high . . . it is far . . . .” My goodness. His excitement made me think the ball had the chance of crashing through my living room window 30 miles away. I tabulate the score and figure the Yankees are right back in this game. I sip my beer in celebration as if I had something to do with the homerun. But then, it isn’t a homerun. Yankee announcer John Sterling has to make a left turn in his signature announce of “It is high, it is far, it is gone.” Although it might have been high and it might have been far, it was not gone.
Sterling crushes every Yankee fan listening on the radio when he says, “ . . . it is caught!” I got up from my seat and turned off the radio. It was the last Yankee game I listened to on the radio the rest of the year. And it was only April. Well, it’s a new year and I’m willing to give Mr. Sterling and the Yankees another chance. But only ONE chance. I’ll click him off for good as soon as I hear his “It is high, it is far, it is caught.” I hope to get at least three innings in.
The Yankees like to pretend they are the class act of the league, but by allowing this hack to work the microphone shows they have no respect for their fans.
And now, a thrilling new segment in the Wahoo Gazette . . . “Is The Baby Yours?”
Tonight: Henry, with ex-girlfriend Suzanne.
IS THE BABY YOURS? ---- “Henry . . . the baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . is NOT yours!”
This concludes the premiere installment of “Is The Baby Yours?”
Are you going to tell me nobody here has ever had a Handy-Hannah?
Congratulations, Mr. Sikula. Wahoo reader Dave Sikula was a contestant on “Jeopardy” Wednesday and was crowned champion with a total of $15,000. That’s something nobody can ever take away from you, Dave, although the government will probably take half.
Watch “Jeopardy” Thursday as Dave defends his title. It’s gonna be sik!
I watched Dave Sikula on Wednesday. I usually do OK playing Jeopardy, but Wednesday I couldn’t get on a roll at all. I even struggled a little in the Rolling Stones category. Not a good night for me.
And Dave, would it have killed you to wear a tie?
Oh, I almost forgot . . . . it’s time for another installment of “Late Night" The Day They Were Born.
Langhorne Slim was born August 20, 1980. What happened on Late Night the day Langhorne Slim was born? Well, there was no Late Night yet. But there was a David Letterman Show.
“The David Letterman Show The Day They Were Born”
From the Donz:
“On August 20, 1980, Dave's morning show featured est founder Werner Erhard
and gambling expert Frank Garcia, Wil Shriner presenting a walking tour up 6th
Ave., and Dave calling Mexico to ask about cheap vacations.”
And that was “The David Letterman Show The Day They Were Born.”
Thank you for the filler, Mr. Donz.
March Madness continues. 16 teams remain with games Thursday and Friday night on CBS. With the games and the recaps, new LATE SHOWs have been knocked off the schedule. Thursday’s and Fridays’ previously viewed programs: THURSDAY: From January 31, 2008; Show #2863: Stupid Human Tricks; Eva Longoria; and Colbie Caillat. PLUS: a scalper with Super Bowl tickets. FRIDAY: From February 15, 2008; Show #2874: Charles Barkley; and Bill Burr.
Check the Wahoo archives and make your plans accordingly.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cincinnati, Ohio, it’s Tyler Collins.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father? • What's Tonight's Secret Ingredient? • Bill Richardson Announcement • Great Moments In Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Late Show Fun Facts
ACT 3 • Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball Read now
