" . . . . . and now, innovative Long Island Dry Cleaner . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Uh oh. I have very little time to get this done today. It'll be a quick show recap. I took the bus in to work this morning. . . . and then the copier was busted . . . . and then my computer wasn't behaving. It was barely 9:30 and I felt I had already put in a full day.

During the pre-show Q&A, Dave mistakenly referred to a guy as a gal. Dave was talking to a fellow who was at the show with someone. Dave greeted the woman . . . but that woman was the guy's son. Dave blamed the mistake on the womanly hat the twenty-something was wearing. It took a while for Dave to get his feet back under him. It's not an error you want to make seconds before taping.

Jose Canseco is on the show tonight. He wrote a book some years back detailing the rampant use of steroids in major league baseball. Everybody thought he was a loon looking to make a quick buck. But as it turns out, much of what he wrote happened to be true. Dave is no stranger to steroids. He admits to using them in the past. We show two photos of Dave; one before steroids; one after. The change is obvious.

There's a new President in Cuba. Taking over for Fidel is his brother Raul. And Raul is easing some of the restrictions placed upon his countrymen. Before going to the videotape, Dave has some fun with the name "Raul." While Dave was chirping, "Rauuullll, Rauuuulllll, Raaaauuuuuul," I made a note for my records: Odd Dave. You may see the above in a future show of when a writer needs an odd shot of our boss. Not surprisingly, my "Odd Dave" list goes for pages and pages. Dave said his behavior would be edited out after the show. I was glad to hear it wasn't.
Announce:

"Attention, citizens of Cuba. President Raul Castro is pleased to announce an end to some excessive restrictions that have long been imposed upon you, the Cuban people.
First, Cubans may now purchase computers, DVD players and cell phones. Second, Cubans may now stay in resort hotels that were previously reserved exclusively for foreigners.
And, third, every Thursday is now 'Cuban Sandwich Night' at Raul's place. Please, no hombres.
Raul Castro: Let's do this thing."

Hillary ran into some problems last week when she made up a tall tale of her having to duck sniper fire when she visited Bosnia back in 1996. Barack Obama was quick to take advantage of this slip in this campaign commercial:
Announce:

"Hillary Clinton says she 'misremembered' being under sniper fire during a 1996 trip to Bosnia, and acknowledges that she 'misspoke' when describing the danger involved. But unlike Hillary, there is one presidential candidate who doesn't have to exaggerate the risks he has taken going to some of the most dangerous, violent, and horrifying places known to man."
We see a clip of Senator Obama's recent visit to the cackling members of "The View." He looks left and right attempting to get a word in. He decides to just let the women go on and on.
Announce: "Barack Obama: To Hell and Back."

For some reason, a clip of "The View" always brings a good laugh.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "There's no such thing as that deal anymore. As a matter of fact, the paper . . . . you know, had this been a modern era . . . the paper that you had . . . . . you know, my paper. . . . ."

ACT 2:
It's been awhile since Dave puts these things on . . . it's his giant glasses. Looks like his glasses on steroids.

BIFF AT YANKEES SPRING TRAINING: This is Biff's 11th year going to Tampa to visit the Yankees at Spring Training. Biff sits with Dave and they discuss the history of Biff at Spring Training. Dave mentions that today's Yankee home opener was postponed due to rain. Biff says the Yankees were scheduled to play Montreal. It almost slipped by Dave but then he questioned it, "Montreal? They're no longer in the league." Biff corrects himself and says Toronto. A few moments later, Dave announces next on the Yankee schedule is the Seattle Pilots! Ah, the Seattle Pilots. Played only one season in the Majors, then moved to Milwaukee. That's a story I want to learn more about.
We look at Biff's visit to Yankee Spring Training. In one scene, we see a woman in her 50s-60s proclaim, "I had sex with Moose Skowron in this elevator 20 years ago." Very funny. And I fully expected a few beats later to see an elderly man say the exact same thing . . . but no dice. I was surprised. We've been doing that joke for 15 years.

ACT 3:
HELEN MIRREN: the very lovely and entertaining Dame Helen Mirren. She described receiving the honor of being named a Dame by the British Crown. And we saw some photos that accompany her autobiography, "In The Frame: My Life In Words And Pictures." She says there are a lot of photos in the book because whenever she picks up a book, the first thing she turns to is the photos in the middle. If she likes to do that, she imagined others do too.
On my elevator down to the theater just before the show, I asked someone from research if Dame Mirren had some good stories. I was just trying to make conversation. Kate from research said she did, and there are photos of her naked in the book. I was surprised . . . . and relieved. For some reason, all day I've been sort of picturing Helen Mirren nude. I don't know why. I sort of recall her not being shy about her nudity. Hopefully, this is why I was imagining her in the nude. And when I heard there were naked photos of her in the book, I was relieved. There was a reason for my thoughts.

ACT 4:
ALAN KALTER'S POLITICAL ROUNDUP
Our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words if we had some free time during the show. We had no time, but we let Alan do his thing anyway, in something called, "Alan Kalter's Political Roundup."
Camera goes to Alan . . . but he's not there. Where's Alan?
We find Alan in an announce booth down by the Control Room. He is reading copy. Alan: "Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Insoles feature superior gel cushioning plus great shock absorption! Contour design cradles the heel! Give your tired, aching feet the relief they crave with Dr. School's Massaging Gel Insoles . . . . Are You Gellin'? Yes, Dr. Scholl's is . . . . " Dave interrupts.
Dave: "Hey, Alan. Alan! Hello, Alan!
Alan is angry at the disruption: "Hey, back off, man! I'm trying to earn a little scratch on the side and you're not making it any easier with your