" . . . . . and now, innovative Long Island Dry Cleaner . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Uh oh. I have very little time to get this done today. It'll be a quick show recap. I took the bus in to work this morning. . . . and then the copier was busted . . . . and then my computer wasn't behaving. It was barely 9:30 and I felt I had already put in a full day.

During the pre-show Q&A, Dave mistakenly referred to a guy as a gal. Dave was talking to a fellow who was at the show with someone. Dave greeted the woman . . . but that woman was the guy's son. Dave blamed the mistake on the womanly hat the twenty-something was wearing. It took a while for Dave to get his feet back under him. It's not an error you want to make seconds before taping.

Jose Canseco is on the show tonight. He wrote a book some years back detailing the rampant use of steroids in major league baseball. Everybody thought he was a loon looking to make a quick buck. But as it turns out, much of what he wrote happened to be true. Dave is no stranger to steroids. He admits to using them in the past. We show two photos of Dave; one before steroids; one after. The change is obvious.

There's a new President in Cuba. Taking over for Fidel is his brother Raul. And Raul is easing some of the restrictions placed upon his countrymen. Before going to the videotape, Dave has some fun with the name "Raul." While Dave was chirping, "Rauuullll, Rauuuulllll, Raaaauuuuuul," I made a note for my records: Odd Dave. You may see the above in a future show of when a writer needs an odd shot of our boss. Not surprisingly, my "Odd Dave" list goes for pages and pages. Dave said his behavior would be edited out after the show. I was glad to hear it wasn't.
Announce:

"Attention, citizens of Cuba. President Raul Castro is pleased to announce an end to some excessive restrictions that have long been imposed upon you, the Cuban people.
First, Cubans may now purchase computers, DVD players and cell phones. Second, Cubans may now stay in resort hotels that were previously reserved exclusively for foreigners.
And, third, every Thursday is now 'Cuban Sandwich Night' at Raul's place. Please, no hombres.
Raul Castro: Let's do this thing."

Hillary ran into some problems last week when she made up a tall tale of her having to duck sniper fire when she visited Bosnia back in 1996. Barack Obama was quick to take advantage of this slip in this campaign commercial:
Announce:

"Hillary Clinton says she 'misremembered' being under sniper fire during a 1996 trip to Bosnia, and acknowledges that she 'misspoke' when describing the danger involved. But unlike Hillary, there is one presidential candidate who doesn't have to exaggerate the risks he has taken going to some of the most dangerous, violent, and horrifying places known to man."
We see a clip of Senator Obama's recent visit to the cackling members of "The View." He looks left and right attempting to get a word in. He decides to just let the women go on and on.
Announce: "Barack Obama: To Hell and Back."

For some reason, a clip of "The View" always brings a good laugh.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "There's no such thing as that deal anymore. As a matter of fact, the paper . . . . you know, had this been a modern era . . . the paper that you had . . . . . you know, my paper. . . . ."

ACT 2:
It's been awhile since Dave puts these things on . . . it's his giant glasses. Looks like his glasses on steroids.

BIFF AT YANKEES SPRING TRAINING: This is Biff's 11th year going to Tampa to visit the Yankees at Spring Training. Biff sits with Dave and they discuss the history of Biff at Spring Training. Dave mentions that today's Yankee home opener was postponed due to rain. Biff says the Yankees were scheduled to play Montreal. It almost slipped by Dave but then he questioned it, "Montreal? They're no longer in the league." Biff corrects himself and says Toronto. A few moments later, Dave announces next on the Yankee schedule is the Seattle Pilots! Ah, the Seattle Pilots. Played only one season in the Majors, then moved to Milwaukee. That's a story I want to learn more about.
We look at Biff's visit to Yankee Spring Training. In one scene, we see a woman in her 50s-60s proclaim, "I had sex with Moose Skowron in this elevator 20 years ago." Very funny. And I fully expected a few beats later to see an elderly man say the exact same thing . . . but no dice. I was surprised. We've been doing that joke for 15 years.

ACT 3:
HELEN MIRREN: the very lovely and entertaining Dame Helen Mirren. She described receiving the honor of being named a Dame by the British Crown. And we saw some photos that accompany her autobiography, "In The Frame: My Life In Words And Pictures." She says there are a lot of photos in the book because whenever she picks up a book, the first thing she turns to is the photos in the middle. If she likes to do that, she imagined others do too.
On my elevator down to the theater just before the show, I asked someone from research if Dame Mirren had some good stories. I was just trying to make conversation. Kate from research said she did, and there are photos of her naked in the book. I was surprised . . . . and relieved. For some reason, all day I've been sort of picturing Helen Mirren nude. I don't know why. I sort of recall her not being shy about her nudity. Hopefully, this is why I was imagining her in the nude. And when I heard there were naked photos of her in the book, I was relieved. There was a reason for my thoughts.

ACT 4:
ALAN KALTER'S POLITICAL ROUNDUP
Our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words if we had some free time during the show. We had no time, but we let Alan do his thing anyway, in something called, "Alan Kalter's Political Roundup."
Camera goes to Alan . . . but he's not there. Where's Alan?
We find Alan in an announce booth down by the Control Room. He is reading copy. Alan: "Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Insoles feature superior gel cushioning plus great shock absorption! Contour design cradles the heel! Give your tired, aching feet the relief they crave with Dr. School's Massaging Gel Insoles . . . . Are You Gellin'? Yes, Dr. Scholl's is . . . . " Dave interrupts.
Dave: "Hey, Alan. Alan! Hello, Alan!
Alan is angry at the disruption: "Hey, back off, man! I'm trying to earn a little scratch on the side and you're not making it any easier with your ‘Hey, Alan. Alan. Hello, Allan.' Asspack."
Alan speaks back into the microphone to the director. "Let's try it again" he orders. Alan starts to read again from the script.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tuesday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by John McCain, and music from Cat Power. This show is guaranteed to entertain you or your money back.
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
JOSE CANSECO
Mr. Canseco, the former American League MVP, has a follow-up to his controversial first book, "Juiced," entitled "Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle To Save Baseball." He made a lot of accusations and claims in his first book which everyone just ignored and scoffed. As it turned out, much of what he wrote was true. Dave asks how common-place was the use of steroids back when he played. Jose says at its peak around the year 2000, he estimates that 80% of the major league baseball players were using the stuff. His new book, "Vindicated," continues in that vein with more accusations and claims. Are they false accusations? Says Jose, "If I wasn't telling the truth, I would be sued."

And that was our show for Monday, March 31, 2008.



This issue of the Wahoo Gazette is scented! Just scratch and sniff your monitor screen right HERE and you will enjoy the sweet aroma of delicious strawberries!

Hockey great Gordie Howe turned 80 years old today. He celebrated with a goal and two assists.

Sniper fire? Who does Hillary Clinton think she is, Commander McBragg? And who is Commander McBragg? He was a character in a 5-minute short cartoon usually coupled with the Tennessee Tuxedo cartoon. The Commander, an explorer and big game hunter, would tell the tale of finding himself in a life-threatening situation and then escaping by exaggerated and preposterous means. I really really liked this cartoon. Hillary's sniper story reminded me of Commander McBragg. The symmetry between the two hit me last Thursday on my drive home from work. I wished I had a Wahoo to use the joke but knew I would have to wait till Monday. I was proud of my humorous observation. And then over the weekend I decided to Google "Hillary Clinton" and "Commander McBragg." Well well well. It quickly became obvious that I was not the only one to make the Clinton/McBragg connection. There was even a video on the YouTube. And here I was thinking I was a creative original.

Senator Clinton: "There! Near Zanzibar! Did I ever tell you about the time I ducked sniper fire in Bosnia?"

Boy oh boy. Chicago Cub fans are going to have a lot of fun with the name Fukudome this year.

I mean it. Sniff your monitor. It smells like strawberries! Mine does.

It's Baseball Opening Day . . . . yeah, I know the Boston Red Sox and the Oakland A's played two games already in Japan . . .. and I know the Atlanta Braves played the Washington Nationals on Sunday night . . . but it's not officially Opening Day until the Cincinnati Reds play their daytime home opener, and that didn't happen until 2:00 PM on Monday when 5 games had already been played.
When I was growing up, baseball's Opening Day was reserved for the Cincinnati Reds, America's first major league professional baseball team. Every year it was the Reds who hosted the Opening Game while the rest of the world watched and waited a day for their opener. It was a big deal. I was happy for Cincinnati to be in that limelight. Dave has often said that the Indianapolis 500 bought the same spotlight upon their city. For a few days, it felt as if Indianapolis was the center of the world! I imagine for a kid in Cincinnati, the same feeling could be felt on baseball's Opening Day. But now, that feeling is reserved for a kid in Japan. Or at a night game in Washington, too late for a grade school kid to watch in its entirety. But the owners and the players make a lot of money by playing the opening game in Japan, so Opening Day will continue to be played in Japan.
Football Opening Day is no big deal.
Basketball and hockey . . . nothing.
Baseball's Opening Day was always an event . . . at least it used to be.

And why does San Diego open with a night game? Oh, yeah . . . . for TV.

Would it kill you to sniff your monitor? I read somewhere that the new monitors give off a slight scent of strawberries when in use.

Hoosier alum and New York Knicks basketball coach Isiah Thomas says he has not been contacted for the job opening for the Indiana Hoosiers head coach position. Hmm, could it be because the Knicks will not win as many games as Indiana? The Knicks are currently 20-53. With 10 games left, it looks like a lock for the Knicks to lose 60 this year. Let's hope.

Tuesday is opening day of Trout season here in New York. I've heard New York is thinking of having their opening day of trout season in Japan next year.

April Fools.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Rinaldo's Pizza in New City, New York, it's Phil Grossfeld
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER