" . . . and now, legendary Hollywood stuntman . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Did you watch the "O'Reilly Factor" earlier tonight? Senator Hillary Clinton appeared on his program for the first time and judging by the promo they put out, it was quite an event.
Announce:

"Tonight on FOX, Bill O'Reilly welcomes Hillary Clinton for the first of a 2-part interview. And to prove that Bill is 'fair and balanced,' just take a look at the manner in which he greeted Mrs. Clinton."
Cut to a shot of Bill O'Reilly from his show, shouting, "You're a slut!"
'The O'Reilly Factor' - You've entered the no spin zone."

Today on a special LIVE episode of "Oprah," David Blaine broke the world record for holding one's breath. Not surprisingly, the event was heavily promoted. We take a look.
Announce:

"Wednesday on 'Oprah,' it's a live television event you'll have to see to believe; David Blaine tries to hold his breath longer than anyone in history, breaking the current record held by Harry Houdini who hasn't breathed since 1926.
'Oprah' - Check your local listings."

The new video game "Grand Theft Auto IV" is so hugely successful that there's already a spin-off. Dave shows a copy of what is being marketed in Amish country.
It's the XBox game, "Grand Theft Buggy." This gets a laugh from the audience, but a rebuttal from Alan Kalter. Off camera we hear our announcer proclaim, "Not plausible! Not plausible, Dave!"
Dave looks over to Alan, bewildered, "I'm sorry, Alan, what's the matter?"
A disgusted Alan cites, "It's just not plausible, Dave! The Amish wouldn't have a video game system! See the problem? Forget it, let's just move on."

Alan's been here for well over a decade and this is the first instance he found something not plausible? I don't think he's been listening very closely.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "If you got a chicken factory . . . a chicken plucking factory . . . . you know what I'm talking about . . . ."

ACT 2:
During the ACT 2 and the rest of the way through the show, I was elbows deep inside my typewriter backstage. I type most of the blue cards you see on Dave's desk, usually everything but the Top Ten. But lately, the typewriter in the shack hasn't been up to snuff. In fact, the typewriter in my office has been a bit touchy lately, too. A few weeks ago I had a repairman take a look at my typewriter to see if he could make it better. While he was at it, I sneaked a peak to see what he was doing so I could take care of any problems next time. He fixed it a little. Well, during tonight's show I decided to tackle the shack typewriter. I tightened this and tightened that, not knowing at all what I was tightening. Much to my surprise, it worked better. But not good enough. I continued with my blind faith. I was aware of the top ten and Broderick and Heidi Montag and Josh Groban, but just barely. I planned on going home after the show and watching the program at 11:30, but that didn't quite work out either. I fell asleep during Roger Grimsby's Eyewitness News. What I'm getting at is if you're reading this to find out what happened during the rest of the show, I'm be doing the same thing. And neither of us is in luck. The typewriter? Sometimes sweat doesn't result in equity. No dice. I think it's the typewriter ribbon. We've had a ribbon problem for 3 months now. I've tried placing them in a warm area to "loosen" up the ink but that didn't work. I think they've all turned old and crusty . . . just like my Uncle Larry. If you see Dave having trouble reading the blue cards, this may be the reason why. The print is light and faded. I never had this problem when Smith Corona was still in Cortland, New York, but now with NAFTA . . . . . .

TOP TEN: Signs Paula Abdul Needs a Vacation
8. Begins every sentence with, "This may be the gin talking . . ."
6. After a song, she asks to buy a vowel

Following the animation to close up the Top Ten, we find Lyle the Intern sitting in the guest chair. He is holding a Subway sandwich.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, can I help you?"
LYLE: "No thanks, Shinebox. I'm good."
DAVE: "You're that intern."
LYLE: "You know it. L-Y-L-E. Lyle. Eating my L-U-N-C-H, brunch. Wanna nibble?" (offers sandwich to Dave)
DAVE: "I don't think so."
LYLE: "It's got American cheese. It's crazy delicious."
DAVE: "Lyle, is there something I can do for you? We're in the middle of the show."
LYLE: "You know I was backstage watching one of those celebrity dancing programs. You should go on that show. You got the moves. You feel the vibe. You got the body. You got the slender, loiny, sexy body. The body of a Greek god, or Fran Tarkenton is his hey day."
DAVE: "Lyle, what exactly do you do here at the Late Show?"
LYLE: "Try to stay out of your way, lady. You have your afternoon 'coffee' and you start yelling and screaming, smashing office equipment. People have no idea. It's cool, though. I'm here to help clean the puke off your shirt."
DAVE: "That's very unpleasant, Lyle."
LYLE: "Shhhh . . . I keep your secrets. Your weird little secrets. I see crazy monkey 'djoy' every day in this place. But it all stays right here." (points to head)
DAVE: "Lyle, I think it's time for you to go."
LYLE: "It's cool. Let's don't' gag the rhino. I got places to be. My posse is backstage. My boys Ronnie and Stefan."
Cut to shot of Lyle's posse. Not the most intimidating duo.
LYLE: "Tonight we're gonna hit on tourists as they come out of Mamma Mia. There's room for one more in our crew."
DAVE: "I don't think so."
LYLE: "You say 'no' but your heart screams 'yes.' You can't stay locked up in here. You have to run free. Tear it up, you filthy caged beast. You can't stay a virgin forever, beee-yach." Lyle leaves his sandwich and exits.
DAVE: "Lyle the intern, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back."

ACT 3:
MATTHEW BRODERICK
Matthew's got a bad cold. I didn't check, was there a handshake? Uh oh, guess who's getting a cold next week? Matthew is on the Claritin but his doctor suggested steroids. The Doc said a side effect to the steroids is that it might make Matthew talkative and chatty. Oooh, we wouldn't want that on a talk show.
Dave likes to hear stories from Matthew and Sarah Jessica Parker about their son, who is 5-and-a-half. The stories sort of give Dave a "heads up" on what to expect from Harry. Matthew's son is on a soccer team and Matthew attends the practices and games. One soccer drill consisted of 6 balls. The coach instructed, "I want you to dribble these balls down to the end of the field, passing at least once and then I want you to kick the ball into that red ring over there." The whistle blows and then all heck breaks loose. Lots of running, kicking, screaming . . . not at all what the coach instructed. If Matt and Dave are looking for a "heads up," it doesn't get any better when they reach 12. There will still be lots of running, kicking, and screaming . . . and that's just while you're trying comb their hair!
What does Matthew do to stay in shape? He says he goes to a trainer, Radu. Dave mentions that Regis goes to the same guy. Uh oh, have you seen Regis lately? Matthew likes working out with Radu because, secret be known, it isn't much of a workout. Usually it's Radu, Matthew, and a few of Radu's friends spending two hours playing ping pong and ordering sandwiches and soup. Matthew let's out that he is quite the Ping Pong player, having played since high school at Marty Reisman's Ping Pong Palace on 96th Street. Marty is a Ping Pong legend known for his trick shots. Marty would balance a cigarette on the end of the table and hit a ping pong ball with such precision that he would snap the cigarette in half. Matthew never met the famed Marty Reisman but the stories are legendary.
Well, Matthew, this is your lucky day! The scrim rises. We find a Ping Pong table set up on stage . . . . and Marty Reisman! Matthew finally gets to meet Marty Reisman. And to prove it is the real Marty Reisman, we have him perform the cigarette stunt. And he does it perfectly. How about Matthew, can he do the trick? Matthew begs off, claiming a cold and shoulder injury and whatever else he can come up with on the fly.
Matthew's new film, "Then She Found Me," the Helen Hunt project, is not playing in selected cities. Has your city been selected?

ACT 4:
All this week the "Today" show has been doing its "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" segment. It's become so popular over the years, we decided to try something similar. We watch.
Exciting music. Exciting graphics. An opening sequence of famous geographical locations, such as pyramids, the Taj Mahal, Stonehenge, etc. In large text appears, one at a time: "Where" "In" "The" "World" "Is" "Dave" "Letterman?"
We cut back live to Dave at the desk. A red arrow points to Dave.
Reprise title card, "Where In The World is Dave Letterman?"

ACT 5:
HEIDI MONTAG
She's from the hit MTV reality show, "The Hills." It's very popular, though the only two people I know who watch it are my daughter and Dave. Let's see what I got on Heidi and "The Hills"
-"The Hills" is MTV's highest rated program.
-Heidi says "The Hills" is like a young "Sex and the City" about 4 girls living and growing up in L.A.
-How did Heidi end up on "The Hills" -- Fellow Hillsian and friend, Lauren, had been working on the show "Laguna Beach" and when the spin-off "The Hills" came around. Heidi got her chance.
-Dave wants to be on "The Hills"
-Currently on "The Hills," there is trouble-a-brewing that may include a sex tape. -Heidi and her boyfriend Spencer are portrayed as villains on the show. She says she is seen as a bad guy because she doesn't get to narrate the show; Lauren does. You don't get to hear Heidi's side of the story.
-Lauren and Heidi are feuding and Heidi blames it one Lauren's dislike for Spencer.
-Spencer? He's actually a nice guy who is making big money in every facet of show business. He's quite the entrepreneur.
-If Dave can't get on "The Hills," he would like them all to come here.

I forget . . . what does the "M" in MTV stand for?

Going into commercial, we see Lyle and his posse with Spencer in the green room.

ACT 7:
JOSH GROBAN: From his soon-to-be-released CD/DVD, "Awake Live," Josh Groban performed "Weeping."

And that was our show for Wednesday, April 30, 2008.



The Democratic Primary heads to Indiana next week. And earlier today, Hillary Clinton claimed she was the 1968 Hoosier Hysteria MVP.

You ever read about how some kids go into seizure when watching one of those crazy flashing animated cartoons? That never made any sense to me . . . until last Friday. I was sitting in front of the TV at home and my wife Denise asked, "Do you want to watch 'Jeopardy'?" I'm a big "Jeopardy" fan but I was weakened by the promos I saw for "The Insider" which had footage of a crazed Peter Falk. I thought it was awful that they were using the unfortunate clips of the friendly but now disheveled Mr. Columbo . . . . but it worked on me. We kept the channel where it was and for the first time in my life I watched "The Insider." The host is Lara Spencer. She is perfect for the job. To say "The Insider" is fast paced is an extreme understatement. The screen flickered with footage as it jumped from shot to shot to shot to shot to shot. No shot lasted more than 3 seconds; no shot remained fixed for more than 1 second. There was an incredible amount of movement to suggest action and things happening. I had to look away more than once to keep me from going into seizure. I was able to feel my eyes grow tired, my brain twisted, my body unsettled. I was queasy. So much going on! It was absolutely exhausting. And at the end of the half hour what had I learned? I couldn't remember. I had no idea what had just happened. Too much too fast too . . . . . nothing. "The Insider" was a lot of nothing thrown at you at an incredible speed. I tried to picture the editing process to put that show together. There must have been a thousand 2-second clips to make up the 22 minutes of show. Next time I watch "The Insider," if there is a next time, I will try to count how many different shots are shown. Grand mal, anyone?

The other day I wondered how "cyclone" could be misspelled on "Millionaire" as "ciclone." Wahoo reader Lou Ferreri, who watches "Millionare" closer than me, writes:

"The question was something like this...in Italian the word 'Ciclone' means, blah blah. The answer was 'tornado'."

And now, once again, "Late Night The Day They Were Born!"
Heidi Montag was born September 15, 1986. So what happened on Late Night the day Heidi Montag was born?
Late Night #760 - Kirk Douglas ("Tough Guys"); and Joe Cocker performs "Many Rivers To Cross." PLUS: "Ask Larry 'Bud' Headroom"; Top Ten Economy Measures Taken By CBS; and People Who Won't Be On The Show.
And that's what happened on Late Night the day Heidi Montag was born.
Many thanks to Mr. Donzy Donzarelli for the above.

This just in: New York Ranger Chris Drury was just called for a two-minute penalty for sneezing while Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby was on the ice.

The Rangers are down 3 games to 0 against the Pittsburgh Penguins. They aren't out of it yet. They need to think of it this way:
Game 4 is at Madison Square Garden - they SHOULD win at home. Series: 3-1.
Game 5 is at Pittsburgh - this is the key game - they have to find a way to win this game: Series 3-2.
Game 6 is back in New York - with the momentum of Game 4 and 5 behind them, plus playing back at home, they SHOULD win this game. Series: 3-3.
Game 7: Anything can happen in a Game 7.
And it's just that easy. I see Game 5 as the key game for the Rangers. That would be the only upset in the bunch.
I lived through the '75 Islanders over the Penguins in this very same situation. The Isles came back from 3-0 to beat the Penguins in 7 games, the first NHL team to do it since 1942. And then they almost did it again a week later when they lost Game 7 to the Philadelphia Flyers after being down 3-0. My Islanders won 4 Stanley Cups in the early '80s but 1975 was my favorite hockey season as a fan.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup, it is Spirit
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER.