" . . . and now, 3-time winner of the Yogi Berra Museum Celebrity Golf Tournament . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Following the monologue, Dave walks into the audience to give a guy a bottle of water. The guy's from Georgia. They need their water down there. They've been suffering from a "drouth".

Finally. The Democratic Primaries finally came to an end Tuesday night. It's been quite a run. We've put together this farewell tribute to all the candidates who ran.
Music: "What A Wonderful Life" - Louis Armstrong.
Announce:

"Barack Obama. Hillary Clinton. John Edwards. Joe Biden. Dennis Kucinich. The fat guy. The guy with the giant head. Mitch something. . . . or Marty? Who cares?"
The Democratic Primary: 2005-2008.

"If you're going to be spending time outdoors this summer, please be careful not to start forest fires. Because if you do start a fire . . . . (cut to footage of a horror movie of a bear attacking a guy)
. . . Smokey's coming for you.
A message from the United States Forest Service and the Ad Council."

Barack Obama has gathered a team of advisers to help him select a running mate. Not to be outdone, John McCain has issued this response.
Announce:

"Now that Barack Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, he has enlisted an elite team to help him find a running mate.
Meanwhile, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain has assembled an elite team to help him find his car keys.
John McCain: What did I come in here for?"

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES - tonight's installment is more visual. You probably saw a shot of it in the newspapers last week. It's our Commander in Chief bumping chests with a graduate of the United States Air Force. I actually liked that one. Nice job, Mr. President. It made the kid's day.

ACT 2:
Coming back from commercial, we see our two space aliens outside on 53rd Street; one drinking a beer, the other smoking a cig. Dave says one of the space aliens reminds him a little of Michael Jackson.

Suddenly, music from Paul: "Thanks For The Memories." Enters Billy Crystal with his little miniature horse. The mini horse is wearing a pink dress.
DAVE: "It's nice to see you, Billy, but this is the second time this week you stopped by unannounced."
BILLY: "Well, like I told you Tuesday, you said I could stop by and say hello anytime I want."
DAVE: "That's true, but you really didn't come to say hello. You just wanted to plug the release of 'City Slickers' on DVD. You're not going to do that again, are you?
BILLY: "No no, of course not. I have no intention of plugging the new 'City Slickers' DVD, even though it includes some fantastic extras, like audio commentary and several 'making of' featurettes.
DAVE: "So, why did you come here?"
BILLY: "'Soap'. . . . The Complete Series DVD, the hilarious ground-breaking comedy featuring Richard Mulligan, Katherine Helmond, and a young actor named Billy Crystal, available June 10th at retail outlets everywhere."
DAVE: "Billy, why is the horse wearing a pink dress?"
BILLY: "That's the dress I wore in the pilot."
DAVE: "You need to leave now, Billy."
BILLY: "I don't even recognize you anymore, and I'm not talking about that ridiculous brow lift."
Billy exits.

TOP TEN: Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application
#10. "How much experience do you have doing nothing?"
#9. "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"
#1. "By any chance do you know where Osama bin Laden is?"

Remember Osama bin Laden? He's the guy who will last longer than George W. Bush. Who'd-a-thought?

ACT 3:
JULIA ROBERTS: The lovely and adorable Julia Roberts.
She's the mom of three. Any more in the future? Julia looks at Dave in exhaustive disbelief and slightly shakes her head, ". . . . but the prelude to the kids, there'll be more of that." Dave shares a story about his boy, Harry. When Dave mention the age of Harry, a gasp is heard from the audience.

People get mad at me when I tell them my girls are 12 years old. They can't believe it. They remember when my girls were born. And I think they get mad because it's a reminder that they are 12 years older, too.

Conversation turns to the annoying paparazzi. There is one story about Julia attacking a photographer. Dave is very proud of the story but Julia explains it wasn't as heroic as Dave describes. But you can tell that when it comes to her children and family, Julia will have none of it with the photographers. What's personal should remain so. They have no right to take a photo and profit from it.

If you took their cameras away and the paparazzi continued to behave the way they do, they'd probably be charged with harassment. Give 'em a camera and it makes it OK?
I find those guys with cameras incredibly annoying. It's why I usually call them "picture takers" instead of paparazzi. Calling them "paparazzi" offers them an elegance they don't deserve. Sure, they'll say they are only doing their job, but pickpockets could say the same thing.

Julia was supposed to be here a few months ago to plug "Charlie Wilson's War," where she co-starred with Tom Hanks. Dave says some movies are bad and some movies are great, but every movie would be better with either Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts in it. And with that, a fly flew by the desk. Dave makes an attempt to catch it and free it outside, but it's a miss.
We haven't had a fly-sighting on the show in quite a while. I find when the weather gets warm here in the city, the flies like to come into the theater to cool off.

Julia is one of the producers to the American Girl film coming out July 2nd, entitled "Kit Kitteridge." My girls are big fans of the American Girl dolls and I was beating Julia to the answers to every question Dave asked. Many parents buy the dolls for their daughters and put them up on a shelf to be looked at. My girls played with them constantly for years. Yes, they are a bit expensive, but my girls certainly got their money's worth. And the dolls are educational, too. Like Julia said, the back story to the Kit Kitteridge doll is she grew up during the Depression. My girls learned a lot about America in the 1930s from Kit Kitteridge. And they also learned about life in the 1940s and World War II from Molly.

Julia's new film, "Fireflies in the Garden" comes out in September. It's about a dysfunctional family and meets an unexpected tragedy. Dave, now a dad, finds it uncomfortable to view the depiction of family tragedy these days. He says, "I've changed. It's hard for me to experience vicariously family trauma," and adds he has a "greater sensitivity now than I used to." This is true for me too. Being a dad changes the way you see things, and the way you see yourself. I think a dad see his role now as being a protector. Not being able to protect the characters on the screen can make you uncomfortable. Pre-dad days, I didn't have that protector mentality.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by actress Jenna Fischer from the film 'The Promotion,' CBS sportscaster and author Jim Nantz; and musician Gavin Rossdale.
The Late Show; Number One in comedy; Number One in driveway resurfacing. We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
AL GREEN: From his new album, "Lay It Down," the Reverend performed the song by the same name; "Lay It Down." It put me in the mood to put on some of my own Al Greens at home.

And that was our show for Thursday, June 5, 2008.



If the economy continues to suffer and flounder, I'm gonna have to pull out my 'WIN' button.

Hillary Clinton . . . HA! And people say George W. Bush doesn't have an exit strategy.

I received an e-mail today by someone at the Equine Rescue Resource Inc. in upstate New York. Billy Crystal's miniature horse, "Little Brown," was rescued by the organization! Thank you, and congratulations to the Equine Rescue Resource Inc in Orange County, New York.
www.equinerescueresource.com

Did you watch Game 6 of the Stanley Cup hockey finals Wednesday night between the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins? Detroit was on the verge of winning the Cup, up by two goals with less than 3 minutes left in the game. Pittsburgh scored late to make it 3-2. And then with seconds left in the game, with seconds left in the season, Pittsburgh makes one more rush. The puck is hanging out inches from the goal. One Penguin slaps at it but is denied. He slaps at it again and the puck slowly rolls through the goalie crease. Pittsburgh Penguin fans are in a frenzy. Time expires and the Detroit Red Wings are crowned the 2008 Stanley Cup champions. Incredible excitement right to the last second. On replay, it was shown that time had expired a half-second before the puck rolled through the crease. For Penguin fans, I think it was good that the puck didn't go in after the final horn. To live with that would have been excruciating. Anyway, it was a fantastic final two games for the NHL and it may have rekindled the smoldering fire of interest I have for hockey. I'll be taking a closer look at my nameless and faceless New York Islanders when they open the 2008-2009 season right smack-dab in the middle of the baseball World Series. Not the best time to have a season opener.
Who was I rooting for? Same as always:
1. Islanders.
2. Rangers
3. Devils
4. a team from Canada
5. one of the original 6.
So I was rooting for the Detroit Red Wings.
Why has the interest in NHL hockey dropped off in the U.S.A.? My guess is because the players now wear helmets. Back in the 60s and 70s, you could tell who was who simply because many of the players went without a helmet. You felt you knew the players better. Now that they wear helmets, the fan doesn't feel the familiarity with the players he once did. In football, there are enough breaks in play for the cameras to get up close and inside the helmets of the players for us to get to know them. In hockey, there are no such breaks.
And is it kind of hard to follow the little black puck flying around the rink. Is it any better in high-def? I don't know. I don't have the high-def.
The Stanley Cup Hockey Finals - the best championship series there is.

And now my annual Stanley Cup story. Back in the heyday of the New York Islanders when they were in the Stanley Cup Finals every year, I had a friend whose father was the head of NHL security. And where was the Stanley Cup kept between games of the Finals? At the Nassau Coliseum in Long Island? Nope. It was kept at my friend's house. Well, one night I got a call. This friend of mine said his parents were out for the evening. Before he could say another word, another friend was beeping outside my house. He had already heard and he was on the way over to see the Stanley Cup. I jumped in the car, picking up some more friends on the way. We raced down to the basement where the Cup was being housed. At first we only looked with our eyes. And then one of us picked it up. And then we passed it around from one to another, each of us kissing the Cup as we held it over head. Then we filled the Cup with the finest Andre Champagne we could find and drank from it. It was glorious. And a few days later, I saw the New York Islanders doing the same thing on TV.
And that's my Stanley Cup story.

I've been told that if you touch the Stanley Cup before you rightfully earn the privilege down on the ice, you will never win a Stanley Cup championship. I knew that at the time and I weighed the superstition seriously, but when I realized my ice skates were still double-blade, I decided it wouldn't hurt to touch the Cup.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Toronto, Ontario, it's Melanie Young
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER