Woody Harrelson, Tommy Johnagin, and John Fogerty with Dawes
: the new Liberace movie; the new city bike-share program; something new from Kingsford; Good Commencement/Bad Commencement; Seized Monkey Auction; Nochias Actuales with Tony Mendez; and a Top Ten list featuring our Late Show
“ . . . and now, abra cadabra . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Justin Bieber’s monkey is being held in Germany. He can’t get it. Justin should have known better. When traveling with a monkey, you must have all the proper paper work, it needs to have shots, vaccinations, proof it’s free of disease . . . same thing when you travel with Charlie Sheen.”
HBO has a new movie about Liberace
that is premiering this week. The debut isn’t until this weekend, but we’re ready to make a prediction of some of the dialogue you’ll hear in the film. We watch.
ART CARD: “PREDICTED DIALOGUE FROM THE LIBERACE MOVIE”
We see a photo of Michael Douglas as Liberace sitting on a sofa with Matt Damon as Scott Thorson.
ANNOUNCE OF PREDICTED DIALOGUE: “No! I said I was looking for a pianist.!”
ANNOUNCE: “This has been ‘Comedy We’re Not Proud of.” Good night, America!”
Was it bad that I really laughed at that?
There’s a new bike-share system here in New York City. They’re having problems with theft, so the city just released this statement.
ANNOUNCE: “Bike-share has arrived in New York City, but due to recent thefts we’ve installed a security system to make sure bikers remain within designated perimeters.”
We watch a bike-share participant get on a bicycle. He rides off to his destination . . . but the bike is chained to the bike rack. The bike goes as far as the chain will allow and the rider goes flying over the handlebars. Ouch!
Some rough spots still need to be ironed out.
With the holiday weekend coming up, barbecue season is back! Dave saw an odd commercial this morning.
ANNOUNCE: “Looking to make this barbecue season the most convenient ever? Kingsford Match Light charcoal gets you grilling quickly! Or, if you’re really in a hurry, try Kingsford Match Light Hot Dogs.” We see a match lighting a hot dog. The frank catches flame.
ANNOUNCE: “The first self-grilling hot dogs! In your grocer’s meat case.”
Hey, it’s college graduation time and nothing is more important to a graduation than the commencement speech. Some are good; some are not. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH / BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see First Lady Michelle Obama
giving a good speech.
ANNOUNCE: "BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see Joe Thiesmann
: “My prostate is giving me fits!”
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.'”
’s monkey is now property of Germany. Dave saw an interesting advertisement on his satellite TV.
ANNOUNCE: “Looking for a great deal on a used monkey? Announcing Germany’s Annual ‘Seized Monkey Police Auction.’ We’re liquidating confiscated monkeys up to 80% off blue book value. Big monkeys, little monkeys, crazy monkeys, they all have to go! Saturday at the Munich Airport Ramada Inn from 10 A.M. to 2 P.M. Cash only. Groupon vouchers will not be accepted. All monkey sales final!
‘The Seized Monkey Police Auction . . . where monkey ownership dreams come true.”
Oh, sure, why not? We turn it over to our cue card guru, Tony Mendez
, with today’s “Nochias Actuales!”
Tony responds in his native Espanola tongue. It is close captioned in English.
TONY: “Thank you, Soledad. I’m Tony Mendez, here with the ‘Current News.’ Oh, my god! A lot of bad stuff is happening in Washington D.C. None of which I understand.
In happier news, Martha Stewart is offering free sex to all interested parties.
And now with sports, Hector Goooooooooooooonzalez!”
Cut to Tony in a mustache, as Hector Gonzalez – several sports balls are thrown to him, none of which he catches. He screams a scream of fright.
Back to Tony, LIVE.
TONY: “Breaking news! It was Guadalupe who poisoned Silverio!
This has been ‘Current News!’” Tony throws a handful of confetti.
TONY: “I’m Tony Mendez. Back to you, you googly-eyed old giraffe.”
Remember when Tony used to have that Tony Mendez Show on the internet. It’s too bad he stopped doing that.
TOP TEN: THINGS I’VE LEARNED AS A LATE SHOW INTERN
– and here with tonight’s Top Ten list, ten second semester, departing Late Show
THINGS I’VE LEARNED AS A LATE SHOW INTERN
10. Randi Furman
: “Laugh at the jokes whether they’re funny or not” (fake laugh from Randi)
9. Emily Erotas
: “Attention to detail is super implortant.”
8. Victoria Disque
: “Buying 100% pure grain alcohol is not as easy as it seems.”
7. Sasha Lildharrie
: “There’s no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business.”
6. Paul Napoli
: “Weekly transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive.”
5. Kevin Noonan
: “The camera loves me.”
4. Sophie Boudreau
: “It’s more fun to watch television than to work in television.”
3. Jason Seligson
: “Snitches get stitches”
2. Neal Fessler
: “After several months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier.”
1. Ryan Wilson
: “I should’ve interned for a Jimmy.”
I always picture Woody as being Dave’s always-in-trouble, everybody’s-friend, funny and talented younger brother. And for some reason, I picture Harrison Ford as Dave’s older, more mature brother.
Whenever Dave sees Woody in a film, Dave can’t help but think that this guy’s got it, he’s got a hold of this acting profession. How does Woody do it? How did he become so adept at the art of acting? Woody says it takes study, practice, and lots of sleep. The twinkle in Woody’s eye led me to think he wasn’t being quite honest.
Twenty years ago this week, “Cheers” had its big finale, watched by 93 million people. He remembers a lot of good times back then when he was doing “Cheers.” The great times are probably harder for him to remember.
In his new film, “Now You See Me,” Woody plays a magician/mentalist. Woody shows what he has learned in preparing for the film. Dave brings out two books; a softcover book about Regis and a hardcover Willie Nelson book. Woody flipped through his Regis book until Dave told him to stop. From the page Woody stopped, he told Dave to turn to that page in his book. Dave then studied the top line of the Willie Nelson book and to pick out one word from that line. Woody then told Dave the word, “commissioned.” And he got it right. Dave holds up the book to page 107 to the camera. There along the top line was the word “commissioned.”
“Now You See Me” – it opens May 31st.
ANNOUNCE: “The American Red Cross is providing relief to those affected by the tornadoes in Oklahoma. We urge you to visit redcross.org, and make a donation earmarked for 'Oklahoma Relief.'
The very funny Johnagin performs regularly at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. He and his girlfriend recently had a baby, by accident. Prior to delivery, his girlfriend said about the baby-to-be, “I hope she’s not ugly.” Tommy says he was hoping the same thing but didn’t think you were allowed to verbalize such thoughts.
JOHN FOGERTY, WITH DAWES
Fogerty’s new album, “Wrote A Song For Everyone,” features collaborations with a number of artists on some of his classic Creedence songs. Tonight, John Fogerty performed “Someday Never Comes” with the group, Dawes.
“Wrote A Song For Everyone” – I’m buying it now.
And that was our show for Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Okay, this is how I think Woody Harrelson did that book trick. Two books on the desk. Woody takes the softcover Regis book. Dave has the Willie Nelson book. Woody flips through the Regis book until Dave tells him to stop. Woody looks at his page number and says “107”. Dave turns to his book to page 107 and studies the top line. From that line, Dave is to pick one word and remember it. Woody then says the word Dave picked. How’d he do it? Okay, here goes. Woody didn’t really stop at page 107 of his book. He just said he did. That leads Dave to page 107 in his book, the Willie Nelson book. Woody memorized the top line of page 107 of the Willie Nelson book beforehand. The sentence read: “One time a guy commissioned a painter to paint a picture . . .”
Now I’m not sure how Woody would know Dave would choose “commissioned” and not a different word from that sentence. I’ll have to go back and see how Woody came up with the first letter, “C”. But just from looking at the sentence, “commissioned” would be the likely word chosen, in my opinion anyway.
I brought the two books out on stage just before Woody made his entrance. I was told Woody would need these two books for his trick. After the show, I asked the research department how long Woody Harrelson had these two books in his possession. Research told me he did not have the books at all. The books came from the research department, not from Woody. Damn! I thought I was on to something. Now I have no idea how Woody did this trick. And it’s for reasons like this that I don’t like magic. It’s too hard to explain.
I spent two minutes the other day watching a playoff basketball game between the San Antonio Spurs and the Memphis Grizzlies. Wow! I had forgotten how basketball is supposed to be played. San Antonio had the ball. Their guard was dribbling . . . . the center was working for position under the basket . . . . and the other three guys were moving. They were running around, either to get open or to set up a play. You don’t see that when watching the Knicks. It was really fun to watch. It was a strange new game for me. The only Spurs not moving were the guys sitting on the bench. With the Knicks, Carmelo is the only one moving, and he’s the one with the ball. The other Knicks stand around and wait for his three-point shot, hoping the rebound caroms to them.
I’ll be rooting for the Spurs and Pacers the rest of the way; the Spurs because I like their brand of basketball; the Pacers because it’s nice to have a happy boss.
I wore a nice white t-shirt to work yesterday. It was a plain white ‘T’ that looks great on Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. Not sure if it translates to me. Anyway, it was brand new and before putting it on at home I yanked off the $20 price tag. Now I’m pretty sure Denise didn’t pay $20. I’m thinking it was marked down from $20. During rehearsal I hear someone say to me while I’m running here and there, “Hey, nice of you to get dressed up today.” Not till later did I realize that it looked like I was just wearing a white undershirt. Back in the shack, I asked those who watch the show from there if it looked like I was wearing an undershirt. Their hesitation told me all I needed. Now I can’t wear that $20 ‘T’ anymore unless I wear it under a $4 flannel. The fashion industry is nuts, and it’s nuts because those who buy for fashion are even nuttier.
Do you know how many white undershirts I could buy for $20?
I have a brother who will be 60 this November. Yeah, I’m going to be one of those guys who has a brother who is 60. How did that happen? Anyway, his turning 60 doesn’t bother me. He’s always been older than me so his elder age doesn’t really affect me. But on Friday my baby sister turns 50. Now THAT makes me feel old. When your little sister turns 50 . . . . yipes.
Happy Birthday Kathy McIntee Quinn
Going camping this weekend. Leaving a soft bed, cold fridge, TV, air conditioning, and a dry house for none of the above. Somehow, that’s a vacation.
Dave’s Indianapolis 500 drivers for Sunday: James Jakes
and Graham Rahal
UPCOMING PREVIOUSLY VIEWED PROGRAMS
THURSDAY May 23: From 4/10/13; #3834 – Harrison Ford, Rita Wilson, and Jake Buggs.
FRIDAY May 24: From 4/26; #3839 – Jon Hamm, Ricky Jay, and The So So Glos.
MONDAY May 27: From 4/02: #3829 – Regis Philbin, and “Cinderella”
TUESDAY May 28: From 5/02; #3843 – Paris Hilton, Miriam Tucker, and Atlas Genius. Plus and audio Top Ten by Hugh Morgan
WEDNESDAY May 29: From 4/24; #3837 – Kate Hudson, AJ Clemente, and Selena Gomez
THURSDAY May 30: From 5/01; #3842 – Stupid Pet Tricks; Tobey Maguire, and Tom Odell
FRIDAY May 31: From 4/05; #3832 – Chelsea Handler, Ross Bennett, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Check the Wahoo archives and make your plans accordingly.
Welcome back, Jersey Shore!
Memorial Day – remember the reason.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday on Saturday, from Oradell, New Jersey, brother of Michael, it’s Eileen Keeley
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee