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Wednesday, April 1, 2015 Josh Gad reads Billy Crystal's advice for doing Dave's show.
Show #4183
David Duchovny, Josh Gad, and Houndmouth.  
Plus: News For Teens; Harry Reid Career Highlight; a postal worker goes circular; Governor Pence Answers the Tough Questions; a Top Ten list; and Prove Me Wrong, with Alan Kalter.
 
"From a place indicated by a red pin on a map, it's the Late Show with David Letterman.   Tonight: David Duchovny, from 'The Comedians' Josh Gad, and music from Houndmouth.  Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  I'm Alan Kalter.  And now, the castle in the corner of a chessboard . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
 
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-      "The NFL fined the Atlanta Falcons for pumping artificial crowd noise into their stadium . . . it's the same set up I have in my bedrooms.

-      "The New York Jets do not pump in fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track"
-      "We don't pump in crowd sounds on the Late Show.  The silence you hear is real."
-      "Yesterday, Indiana Governor Mike Pence held a press conference to explain the controversial bill he just signed.  Asking questions was a cowboy, a police officer, a construction worker, an Indian . . . ."
 
Time for a new segment . . . something we've never done before.   It's called, "News For Teens"
ART CARD: NEWS FOR TEENS
ANNOUNCE: "Bad News for Teens."
News anchor: "Zayn Malik is leaving One Direction."
Clip of girls crying at the news.
ANNOUNCE: "Good News for Teens."
News anchor: "Craig T. Nelson is coming back to the sidelines. 'Coach' is making a comeback."
Clip of girls squealing with delight.
ANNOUNCE: "BRB LOL!"
 
It's happened again.   A package was delivered by a package delivery person in a thoughtless careless manner.  We take a look.
We see a female postal carrier getting out of her truck and flinging a bunch of packages onto a front porch.  The carrier returns to her truck and runs around it . . . and around it . . .  and around it some more.   She must have one of those FitBits.
 
Hey!  Here's something we haven't done since yesterday.   It's something we call, "Senator Harry Reid Career Highlight"
ART CARD: SENATOR HARRY REID CAREER HIGHLIGHT
We see Senator Reid answering a question in an interview on "Face the Nation."
HARRY REID: "We have in America today, many, many states . . . .. I don't know the exact number."
ART CARD: SENATOR HARRY REID CAREER HIGHLIGHT
 
Indiana Governor Mike Pence held a press conference today to address his new controversial law.   Here's a new segment called, "Governor Mike Pence: Answering the Tough Questions."
ART CARD: GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE ANSWERING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS
We see Governor Pence at his press conference.  It's a montage of his sniffling and deep breathing.    It's allergy season, you know.   His deep breathing was sandwiched between "Thank you for coming" and "No comment"
ART CARD: GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE ANSWERING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS
 
ACT 2
Ooh, a great "Get" by our booking department.  On the phone right now is Iran's chief negotiator, Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif.   Dave has a lot of questions about Iran's nuclear program.  Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: "Hello. How are you feeling today, Mr. Zarif?"
ZARIF: "Oh, thank you for having me, Dave. I'm thrilled! I totally called Michigan State making it to the Final Four, you know? Mr. Izzo is Mr. March (we hear a rim shot over the phone) 
DAVE: (Dave questions the rim shot) "Uh huh . . . I'm sorry. What was that sound I heard?"
ZARIF: "Oh, that's my deputy foreign minister, Hakim, on drums." (rim shot)
DAVE: "Now Mr. Zarif, is there anything specific you would like to say to the American people? Now is the time."
ZARIF: "Yes, thank you. Just let me assure you, we will not use nuclear power for nuclear weapons!"
DAVE: "Good."
ZARIF: "We only want it homes and businesses, schools, restaurants, government buildings, your airports, street lamps, amusement parks, microwave ovens, rotisseries, rice cookers, waffle irons, toaster ovens, adding machines, computers, fax machines, photocopiers, vending machines, escalators, washers, dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators, treadmills, televisions, oscillating fans, DVD players, XBOX, ice cream makers, crock pots . . . .  and, sandwich presses.  Yes."
DAVE: "Nuclear-powered sandwich presses.  Well, I appreciate that.  You know, we get a lot of. . ."
ZARIF: "Oh!  Hold on!  One more thing, Dave.  Since I was working on this deal, I didn't get to attend the Justin Bieber roast.  Would it be OK if I told a quick joke?"
DAVE: "Oh, sure. It's fine. Go ahead."
ZARIF: "Justin Bieber looks so feminine, that in my country he wouldn't be allowed to drive a car." (rim shot) 
DAVE: "Wow, that . . . that really was a zinger.  Now, Mr. Foreign Minister, before you go, I'd just like to ask you one more quest . . ."
Zarif abruptly hangs up the phone.
 
Well, at least we're talking.
 
TOP TEN: GUYS INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE LOOKS LIKE
Indian Governor Mike Pence recently signed into law the controversial "Religious Freedom Restoration Act" which many believe will allow discrimination based on sexual orientation.
Dave says this isn't the Indiana he remembers growing up in.  Back then it was just people trying to get by and get along.  Everyone worked hard, breathed the same air, all carbon-based life forms, all wore shoes, had the same organs . . . . and now this guy throws a wrench into the monkey works.
 
TOP TEN: GUYS INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE LOOKS LIKE
10. The guy at the bar who sends your girlfriend a drink
9. The guy who makes his dog sleep outside
8. The guy whose wife has to tell him he's "getting a little loud"
7. The guy who greets a roomful of guys with "Morning ladies"
6. The guy who has a little too much fun on "Audience Get Acquainted" night
5. The real estate agent whose photograph is on a bus stop bench
4. The guy who keeps a baseball bat in his trunk
3. The guy who won 3 national championships as head coach of the Indiana Hoosiers
2. The guy who arrives at his high school reunion in a rented Ferrari
1. The guy fishing in a Cialis commercial
 
ACT 3:
DAVID DUCHOVNY
Enters to the 70's hit song "Aquarius."  I have the 5th Dimension album.  I also have the 5th Dimension album with "Wouldn't You Like To Fly In My Beautiful Balloon."    David Duchovny stars in a new NBC series, "Aquarius."
Before Dave can get started, Duchovny states how he first came here in 1993 and it was a big deal the time Dave introduced him as ". . . my good friend."    Dave introduced him that way again tonight.   As big a star as David Duchovny is, he still gets a great feeling to hear that.
 
Back on June 5, 2001, Duchovny came out and asked if he could be introduced as "my good friend."   This was his intro then and how I reported it:
"For 8 seasons, our first guest played Fox Mulder on the very popular television program 'The X-Files'.  Now he stars in a new film, entitled, 'Evolution.'  It opens on Friday.   Here's David Duchovny."
 
It was a nice intro but Duchovny wonders why Dave didn't introduce him as "my good friend, David Duchovny."    Dave L. says it's because it wasn't written that way on his blue card.   Dave L. then turned the card to the camera for all the world to see my work.  
 
I'm not sure if Dave reintroduced him as "my good friend" or if we did so the next time he was on.  I do recall that I reminded the producer of Duchovny's wish when he next appeared.  I checked my Wahoo but I found no mention.  I would check the show files but they've all just been shipped out.   I don't know . . . people around here are acting as if we're going someplace.
 
In "Aquarius," David plays a homicide detective from 1967.  He is hired to find a missing girl who has run away.  He finds her living in a commune headed by Charlie Manson before he was became the ringleader to mass murders.
"The X-Files" . . . is it coming back?  Rumor has it.  David says he's heard it's coming back, too.   He plans to do both "Aquarius" and "The X-Files" at the same time if needed.  He figures he'll simply need to change tie-styles to fit the era.    How will The X-Files be different this time around?   David says much will be the same, but this time his character may be wearing Spanx.   
And David is dabbling in the music.   He felt it was important to go out and learn something in front of his children.   He wanted them to see him bad at something, and then get good at something through hard work.    That's a pretty good philosophy.    I'm impressed.    From his segment notes, I see his album "Hell or Highwater" will be out in a few weeks.
 
"Aquarius" - Premieres May 28th at 9 PM on NBC.
 
ACT 4:
It's something we do every now and then . . . .Time now for "Prove Me Wrong" with Alan Kalter.  Alan?
ART CARD: PROVE ME WRONG, WITH ALAN KALTER
ALAN:  "Thank you, Dave. (photo of Natalie Portman) Natalie Portman: Harvard graduate, social activist, Academy Award-winning actress . . . . but did you know that Natalie is also the head of a ruthless smuggling ring, that sells untaxed, bootleg cigarettes in over 30 states, as well as parts of Canada? . .  .
Prove. . . Me. . . . Wrong!"
FREEZE on Alan.
 
Announce (on tape) and scroll: "The views of Alan Kalter are his own and do not reflect the opinions of David Letterman, the 'Late Show,' or CBS.  Complaints, lawsuits, pantsuits, jumpsuits, and any evidence disproving Alan's claims may be directed to:
Alan Kalter  
c/o 'Prove Me Wrong!'  
1697 Broadway  
New York, NY 10019."
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join us for tomorrow's Late Show, as Dave welcomes Senator Al Franken, and Billy Eichner.   Anyone else having trouble finding the latest hits released on cassingle?"
 
ACT 6:
JOSH GAD
Hey, it's Bob Borden's brother!   Or maybe not.
Josh stars on the new FX television series, "The Comedians" along with Billy Crystal.   Dave was excited because Billy Crystal is always funny, " . .  and then there's you . . ."    Of course, Josh was the unknown.  Dave wasn't insinuating that Billy was funny and Josh was not, but the picture was painted to let us go down that assuming/amusing road.   Billy gave Josh some advice when he heard that he was going to be on the show.
1.      Take Over - take over the show because Dave doesn't like to work.
2.      Don't fawn over Paul . . . "and who is Paul?  Is that Paul?" Don't fawn over Paul; Dave gets jealous.
3.      Don't say anything about his tie - it never matches anything.
4.      Ask him where he is going for Passover.
5.      Speak extra loudly to make sure he's listening
Yes, it's obvious Billy Crystal has been here a lot.
 
Josh's character in "The Comedians" is overeager and a big socially inept.   I've heard Dave say that before that is his favorite kind of character; the enthusiastic clueless guy.   Josh says he plays a character . .  himself . . . but still, a character.   Josh says his character often times has to hurl insults at Billy Crystal, playing Billy Crystal, which is hard to do to an idol.  But that's why they call it acting.
And he was Olaf in "Frozen."   The voiceover work involved 10 sessions over two years.   It's why they don't hire young teens to do voiceovers work that covers two years.   The "change" can come at any time.
Josh made so much money from "Frozen" that he can insult Billy Crystal without fear.
 
"The Comedians" - it premieres April 9th at 10 PM on the FX.
 
ACT 7:
HOUNDMOUTH
From their latest CD, "Little Neon Limelight," the band from New Albany, Indiana performed a very enjoyable "Sedona."   I liked it.  I liked them.  I think I should know them.
 
And that was our show for Tuesday March 31, 2015.
 
TOP TEN: GUYS INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE LOOKS LIKE
6. The guy who has a little too much fun on "Audience Get Acquainted" night - I saw a bit of this in the pre-show Q&A.   The guy in our audience tonight was here at the Late Show, Year 1, when Pavarotti was a guest.   During the show, we took a shot of two women in the audience.    And this guy tonight . . . he was there that night . . . when he saw that we were showing the two women in the audience he leaped over on top of them to get in the shot.  Dave joked at the time that it was "Audience Get Acquainted Night"
That show: December 15, 1993, #73.
 
2. The guy who arrives at his high school reunion in a rented Ferrari - Dave takes a moment to mention that Todd our Cue Card maven will be soon be renting a Lamborghini just for kicks.    And where will he go in the Lamborghini?   Todd says "To Taco Bell."
The how and why about the Lamborghini.   Todd also does Cue Cards at Saturday Night Live.   Also on cue cards at SNL is a guy, Wally Feresten.     The story as I know it is Todd would joke about renting a Lamborghini to do . . . whatever you would want to do in a Lamborghini.  It was an on-going joking conversation between the two.  Well, Wally's brother is former Late Show writer and talk show host, Spike Feresten, and Spike currently hosts "Car Matchmaker w/Spike Feresten" on the Esquire Network.   On the show, Spike shares his love of rare and exotic cars.    My guess is Wally gave brother Spike a call and . . . ta da!  Todd's getting a Lamborghini for a day.
 
2. The guy who arrives at his high school reunion in a rented Ferrari - This made me laugh because at my 10th High School Reunion, someone showed up in a beautiful Corvette convertible.   Everyone was impressed.   My being a police officer, I had my suspicions.   I eyeballed the license plate . .  then moseyed on over to the registration sticker . . . uh, huh . . . . it was a rental.   And I noticed he scraped off the rental sticker from the windshield.   I said nothing, but later whispered, "Nice car . . . .  Avis?"   We both laughed, I angry that I hadn't thought of it.
 
I went to see Larry David's "Fish In The Dark" on Sunday.    I was so disappointed when just before the curtain went up they announced, "The part of Larry David will be played by  . . . . "
No, of course they didn't announce that, but they should.    I'd love to see the reaction from the audience.
Denise and my seats for "Fish In The Dark" was way up in the balcony.  We had to look down to see the chandelier, that's how high up we were.   The play is typical Larry David, which I love.   Things bother him that seems to bother no one else, much like myself.    It bothered me during intermission how people had to have a soda.  They couldn't go an hour-and-a-half without some kind of sugary hydration.   It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did.   What else bothered me and SHOULD have bothered everyone else was this guy who got a bag of M&Ms during intermission.  Naturally he sits back down just as the curtain goes up for the 2nd half.   And there he was . . . . . one row ahead of me and 5 seats over . . .  tipping his bag . . .. M&Ms rolling out . . . the bag rustling each time he went for another M&M . . . rustling . . . rustling . . . rustling . . . . I was having my own Larry David Show right up there in the balcony.   And what bothered me even more, NO ONE ELSE seemed to notice!  How could nobody notice the crinkling noise this guy was making with his Peanut M&Ms bag?  Why was it only ME who seemed to be bothered?
 
On my drive home last night, March went out like a lamb as a windy, wet snow fell.   March, out like a lamb?  Baaaah!
 
I'm cleaning out my Late Show garage . . . .
Dave lines through the years:
"You paranoid little twit" - to Regis - 2/01/02 #1748
"Hey, I'm not exactly Curt Gowdy" - ACT 1 - 2/25/02 ##1764
"You play with your cocks?" - to Jack Hanna - 2/26/02 #1765
"It was funny, but I ran upstairs and cried" - to Cher 2/27/02 #1766
"Can you believe that 2 networks are fighting over me?" - Monologue 3/11/02 #1769
"Regis will be available for sex" - 3/11/02 #1769
"The folks at CBS are kicking themselves" - 3/12/02 #1770
 
 
SOMETHING NEW!
ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?
I have a 1999 e-mail from Brooke Patterson from Winston-Salem, North Carolina.   Is Brooke Patterson still reading the Wahoo Gazette?
This concludes another installment of ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?
 
CAMEO MENTION OF AN AFL NEWSGROUP ORIGINAL
Rick Diamant
This concludes the debut of a Cameo Mention of an AFL Original.
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Queensbury High School in New York, it's Spartan, Jim Goedert.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From North Vancouver, British Columbia, it's Randa Wong
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Tonight's Guests

Senator Al Franken
Billy Eichner
Sitting-In, David Sanborn

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, April 1
Josh Gad reads Billy Crystal's advice for doing Dave's show.
Monday, March 30
"Hit me up on Linkedin, girl." - Todd the Intern
Wednesday, March 25
Dave's true story is a joke.
Tuesday, March 24
Intern Todd and Dave admire a gift from Kankakee, Illinois.
Monday, March 23
It's the Human Cannonball (but what's the deal with those guys?)