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Monday, July 28, 2014 Things turn ugly when Spider-man meets Elmo during Dave's monologue.
Show #4065
John C. Reilly, Rachelle Lefevre, and Conor Oberst.
PLUS: People Who Don’t Use 100% of Their Brains; fighting costumed characters, a Top Ten list; and a joint mishap.

“ . . . . and now, law-abiding Times Square superhero . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:

-“Spider-man, along with 5 other costumed characters, was arrested this weekend in Times Square for aggressive panhandling, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. Spider-man was arrested for punching a cop. In his defense, the guy in the Spider-man suit thought he was punching a guy in a cop suit.”
-“Yankee manager Joe Torre got into the Baseball Hall of Fame by saying these four words: ‘Okay, bring in Rivera!’”
-“Rumors that Kim and Kanye’s marriage is on the rocks. Well, she is hitting that 2 month itch.”
Also inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame is this guy . . . . we cut to the sleeping Yankee fan who is suing baseball for catching him sleeping.

Like the “Lucy” movie about a woman who uses 100% of her brain? Obviously it’s fiction, but it gave us this idea. Here now is another installment of “People Who Don’t Use 100% Of Their Brains.”
We see a reporter briskly walking alongside a probable politician who I bet just left a courthouse in relations to some investigation into dirty dealings. The reporter is asking the guy questions when . . . oooof! The reporter walks right into a street sign and collapses to the ground. Very funny, but the question is why is it very funny?

Hey, how about another installment of “People Who Don’t Use 100% of Their Brains.” We see a teen who believes he will live forever do a flip off scoreboard in an attempt to stick a landing on a fence, you know, like they do in the Olympics. The flip was good, the direction was good, but the 5-foot high fence is only two inches wide. He doesn’t stick the landing; the landing sticks him. The Olympic hopeful lands full-crotch onto the fence, one leg east and the other west of the fence.
Dave goes into “Ridiculousness” mode and wants to take another look at the attempt. Dave believes alcohol was involved, but can’t figure out what the objective was. What is it that would have made this jump a success? It’s a good question. Like I said, I have a feeling the guy thought he could land on the fence with his feet, not on it with his crotch.

We have some footage that will fit the title, so why not another installment of “People Who Don’t Use 100% of Their Brains.”
We see President George W. Bush at a lectern, inviting his audience to be seated. He says, “Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House.” We hear nothing from the un-mic’ed audience. He looks, says nothing, stares. And then again, the President says, “Thanks for coming.

Out of the clip, we find Spider-man standing by Dave. Spider-man holds out his hand looking for a tip. Dave, against his better judgment, forks over a bill of some denomination. Bad idea. Ever try to feed one raccoon? As soon as Dave tips Spider-man, another costumed character . . . . Elmo . . . enters and looks for a tip, too. Dave isn’t falling for this twice. Dave refuses to fork over another bill. Spider-man gets upset that Elmo is treading on his territory and pushes Elmo away. Elmo isn’t too pleased, and pushes back. A fight ensues. The roll around on the stage floor, tumble into the audience, and then the brawl continues up the aisle to the back of the house. You could almost smell the stink of the costumes through your television sets.

ACT 2:
Oh, good! We’re going to do this?! Really? I wasn’t sure if this was ready, especially since I didn’t see it rehearsed.
Colorado, then Washington has legalized the use of marijuana. Yippee for those who use. Well, the New York Times now supports the legalization of the Mary Jane right here in New York State. In fact, did you see this? Dave reaches for something behind him but notices something amiss. He looks over to Nancy at the podium and requests a lighter. Dave needs a lighter to light the thing. “The joke went out” he announces. Nancy comes running over, because when I think of pyrotechnics, I think of Nancy. She hides the “prop” so the audience can’t see and takes it backstage. There, work is done to get it up to snuff. While the fixes are made, Dave makes small talk with Paul.
Nancy brings the prop back out and places it by Dave’s foot. The thing is now smoking. Dave again starts to introduce the joke about the marijuana and the New York Times, but again the thing went out. Dave stops and laments, “the sum’bitch is dead again!" Dave continues his chat with Paul. Nancy rushes back and takes the non-smoking prop backstage again through the skyline. There we get a peek of the workings. Dave wonders why he himself can’t do the lighting. Do we really need a specialist? Yes, we do. The fire department won’t let Dave anywhere near a match. I guess they’ve seen the show.
Okay, one more time. Nancy quickly drops off the burning prop with Dave. Dave unwraps it and we find a huge joint rolled with the day’s New York Times. Freeze on Dave.
Announce: "Do you have a big, wacky prop idea you'd like to see on the ‘Late Show’? Why not keep it to yourself? Back to you, Dave!"
And Dave then throws to commercial. I was very relieved that Dave threw to commercial. That meant that this New York Times/burning joint joke would stay in. It’s not that the joke was so hilarious, but that was my announce.
That’s right, I’m making money on Broadway with my voice. Someday this may all make sense.

ACT 3:

John C. is from Chicago. Growing up was a lot different back in his day. How does one get into show biz growing up in Chicago? John still isn’t quite sure. Today, parents hover over their children and know everything they are into. John got involved with a Renaissance Fair. He and his friend were freelancers. They were uninvited, but they would dress up in their best/worst Renaissance Fair rags and go to the Fair and beg for alms. Eventually they were told to leave and only those who were getting paid to beg were allowed to beg.
John’s new film, “Gladiators of the Galaxy” opens this Friday in the 3D. The movie was filmed in England and the entire time he was hyped up on the tea. John admits to being a tea drinker but never drank it like the Brits. Tea is a constant. From sun up to sun down, and then some, it’s “Wanna cuppa? Cuppa? Wanna cuppa?” And he had unlimited chocolate, too. By the time he was done, the he was blitzed on the caffeine. He thought he was having a nervous breakdown. Not till he was weaned off the tea and cocoa did his heart slow down.

“Gladiators of the Galaxy” – it opens Friday. We watch a clip, but first we are surprised with an old black and white Shecky clip.

ACT 4:

Dave isn’t on the side of the Times Square costumed characters. If you want to wear a costume that sort looks like a superhero or something, fine, but we shouldn’t have to pay for it. You shouldn’t get money just for wearing a costume.

10. "For fifty bucks, you can sleep with Minnie"
9. "My super power is stealing iPhones"
8. "Anyone know how to get blood stains out of fake fur?"
7. "Wanna tickle Elmo?"
6. "How about some company at your anniversary dinner?" (shot of couple in audience)
5. "I miss the days when crooks could wear street clothes"
4. "Can anyone give Hulk a lift to Newark?"
3. "Still a better Batman than Ben Affleck"
2. "Could you unzip my relief flap?"
1. "I'm half-spider, half-drunk"

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Dave’s back tomorrow with Chris Pratt, Judy Greer, and Rodrigo y Gabriela. Thank God for the phrase ‘rom com.’ I generally don’t have time to say ‘romantic comedy.’”

ACT 6:

She’s in the CBS hit summer series, “Under The Dome.” Rachelle was here June 24th with a Top Ten list, QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT THE DOME. Rachelle is from Montreal and she and Paul practice their French. Dave chimes with his best French. I expected Dave to ask something about fromage.
Dave says he admires Rachelle’s red hair. It’s a recessive gene and red hair is becoming more and more rare. Rachelle feels the red heads are an endangered species and feels she should breed with a red head to keep line going.
Cut to Alan Kalter who seems more than willing . . . for science, of course.

How did Rachelle get into show business? She puts all the credit on chopsticks. An early job of hers was working at a sushi bar. One day, a couple came in with their 4-year-old son. The young boy was desperate to learn how to use chopsticks. Rachelle developed a set of chopsticks that the boy could use. She created the child-friendly chopsticks with a rubberband and some paper. All the child had to do was squeeze. Dammit! I did it again! I accidentally pressed a button on my keyboard and now everything comes out red and underlined. This happened a year ago, too, and I never figured out how to get out of it. I had to make a whole new file. I’m giving myself 10 minutes to fix it. If I can’t, I’ll stop here. Dammit! Why do they put such important keys so close to the spacebar?
You’re in luck. I went to Google and typed in “Microsoft word red underline.” To get out of it, all I had to do was press “CTRL shift E”

So, all the kid had to do was squeeze the chopsticks in order to properly operate. There was no intricate manual dexterity needed. So impressed were her customers that the couple wanted to help Rachelle with anything that was burdening her. She said she wanted to become an actress. Well, the couple happened to be producers of a children’s show. Tada! And the rest is history! Rachelle shows Dave how she got her big break. The two play with provided chopsticks and rubberbands. Dave is proud to say he taught himself how to use chopsticks in California . . . . dead drunk in a Benihana. Put him in Beijing and you would think Dave was a native.

“Under The Dome” – Mondays at 10:00 PM on the CBS

ACT 7:

From his solo album, “Upside Down Mountain,” the lead singer and founding member of Bright Eyes” performed “Hundred of Ways.”

And that was our show for Monday, July 28, 2014.

The sprinkler is a very under rated, under-appreciated, summer cooler. I brought out the sprinkler for my 2-year-old niece on Sunday. Lots of fun and lots of running, followed by lots of sleep. Plus, it waters your lawn. Heck, it’s fine for adults, too. Go look for yours in your garage and bring it out.

Last week I lamented about “the top,” a toy of my youth that took some practice and ability to master. I found one recently where you simply wind up and shoot. It takes no talent.
Too long reader of the Wahoo Gazette, Alan Page, chimed about his top prowess: ”In 4th or 5th grade I was second best...always trying my school.” He sent along a photo of his 2nd place, Sliver Award patch commemorating his near-top top-spinning talent.

Do you have a talent from youth that deserves recognition but is appreciated by no one? I have one. At one time, I was the world’s best sack racer. When I was in 1st grade, I beat out the entire 3rd grade class in the sack race at a Knights of Columbus picnic. No one could beat me in the sack rack, although Matt Mulligan would come close.

And now, something completely new and completely old.
The Wahoo Extra from July 28, 1999

The other day I talked about product placement in the Austin Powers movie. Product placement is the practice of conspicuously placing a product in a movie shot as a means of advertisement. You’ll see a character sipping on a can of coke or chomping on Planters Peanuts or combing his hair with Brylcream. It’s all a ploy to reach the consumer. And of course, the film company gets a nice pocket of change from this. I think product placement is a good idea and I plan to do the same here in the Wahoo Gazette. See if you can spot any.

My poor little Dominique had to get stitches on her forehead as she ran into a wall Tuesday. She was running this way and looking that. I got the call during the taping of the show and left immediately. Or tried to, at least. My car was parked on 53rd Street. As I hustled out the door I ran right into a dog trying to catch a frisbee. The street was closed. I had to wait for Los Lobos to go on to make my getaway.

I see where “Diff’rent Strokes” star Gary Coleman agreed to pay a $400 fine for punching an autograph-seeker. Said the victim, “My knee is still killing me.” I know, some jokes are so simple.

Do you think when he was a kid, all the other kids would tease him by calling him “Eddie Vedder the bed wetter?”

MY CRAPS STORY: Denise and I are in Atlantic City. She’s watching craps, wanting to learn how to play. She’s right up against the crap table. She starts fishing around in her pocketbook. I ask “what’s the matter?” She says she has a headache. She pulls out on of those little Bayer Aspirin tins. She’s looking at it trying to figure out how to open it. The tin reads, “Press here” on two corners of the tin. She begins to apply pressure to the two sides closest to her. I see what’s going to happen. I try to stop it but it’s too late. The Aspirin tin squirts out from her fingers onto the crap table just as the dice are flying by. The guy in the suit cries out “No good! No good! This throw is no good!” Denise starts apologizing to everybody and tries to gather her lost Aspirin. I grab her by the arm and tell her let’s get out of here.

How do you like the new “Turn Ahead The Clock” uniforms some of the major league baseball teams are sporting? Tuesday night, the Mets and the Pirates wore uniforms from the year 2021. The Mets were called the “Mercury Mets” and across the front of their uniform they had what looked like the symbol for a female with devil horns. I’m not sure of the message they were trying to send. The Pirates…BONONMO TURKISH TAFFY… had a huge pirate on the front. To say the uniforms looked ridiculous is an understatement. I’m surprised they didn’t have a propeller on their cap. Very, very minor league. Baseball, why do you do this to yourself?

Marilyn Sargent. Good luck on your move! Sorry it took so long to give you a mention. As a charter member of the Wahoo Gazette, you deserve better.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER.

And that was the Wahoo Extra for July 28, 1999.

Were you able to spot the product placement above?

Don’t you wish you could do this at your work?

It’s her birthday on the 29th, from Bellevue, Washington, it’s Danielle Thomson
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Zoe Saldana
Jay Carney

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, July 28
Things turn ugly when Spider-man meets Elmo during Dave's monologue.
Friday, July 25
From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Wednesday, July 23
The PonyCycle gets put out to pasture.
Tuesday, July 22
Naked daters and their disgusted chairs.
Monday, July 21
The Late Show turns into "MacArthur Park" for one night.