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Wednesday, December 17, 2014 Willie Nelson gets a bad batch of brownies.

Show #4135

Tom Brokaw, and Willie Nelson and Billy Joe Shaver.  
PLUS: the new James  Bond film; coming to Cuba; Animal Afterlife Roundup; decorations at the White House; hacked Sony e-mails; a Top Ten list; and brownies for Dave!
 
“From Broadway, the show business capital of the world, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman.  Tonight: Tom Brokaw, and music from Willie Nelson and Billy Joe Shaver.  Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  I’m Alan Kalter.  And now, a royal romp through a land of make believe . . . . . . .  David Letterman!”
 
ACT 1:
MONOGOGUE
-“The Hobbit movie opened today.  I believe it’s the 5th film in the trilogy.   This one is called ‘The Hobbit: The Quest For Profits”
 
According to newly leaked documents, Sony is having major problems with the new James Bond film, including a script that has been rewritten several times.    Based on this teaser trailer that surfaced, Dave doesn’t think their problems are going to be over anytime soon.   We take a look at the trailer for the new Bond film.
ANNOUNCE: "He's battled adversaries from across the globe, faced death on countless occasions. This time, Bond is back to face his toughest challenge yet: a new set of cufflinks."   We see Bond trying to hook up his cufflinks.
ANNOUNCE: "’Spectre’ - Coming November 2015."
Haberdashers got a big kick out of that one.
 
The President has jump-started normalizing relations with Cuba.    It’s all very exciting.  We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: (clips from Cuba) "Great news, Cuba.   The United States and Cuba are finally normalizing relations more than 50 years after the 1959 revolution. Your long wait is over.   The stylish 1960 Chevys are here!  See your local Chevy dealer.
Chevrolet: Built Ford Tough."
 
Pope Francis supposedly said dogs go to heaven, but now the Vatican says that was a misinterpretation.    It’s all very confusing, so they’ve released this helpful explanation.
ART CARD: ANIMAL AFTERLIFE ROUNDUP
ANNOUNCE: "While Pope Francis remains unclear on whether animals go to heaven, his predecessor was known to judge animals on a case-by-case basis."
We see Pope Benedict judging a line of animals.
POPE BENEDICT: "Snake: hell. Bird: hell. Lion cub: hell. Koala: hell."
ANNOUNCE: "See you in hell, animals.
 
Staffers are hard at work decorating the White House for the holidays.  The White House posted this video on their website earlier today.
ANNOUNCE: (clips of the White House preparation for the holidays) "The holiday season is in full swing at the White House.  Over the course of several weeks, pastry chef Susan Morrison and her talented team constructed a 400-pound edible White House replica in the East Room.  They also paid a visit to CIA headquarters, where they assembled a gingerbread replica of the CIA Black Site interrogation room."
(we see clips of gingerbread men being tortured)
ANNOUNCE: "Seasons greetings from the White House."
 
ACT 2:
Boy, oh, boy.  Sony . . . . . . I wouldn’t give their troubles to a monkey on a rock, or to any monkey for that matter.  Their computers at Sony Pictures have been hacked and some very embarrassing private e-mails have now become public.   It is believed the hacking was in response to the making of the film, “The Interview,” where some innocent and naïve reporters are hired by the CIA to assassinate the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.   Goodness!  The comedy could write itself!  What could possible go wrong?  Dave has a friend who got hold of some of the hacked e-mails, and immediately sent them over to Dave.   He figured we could make some good comedy out of the felonious theft.      Dave reads some of the hacked Sony e-Mails.   
-"Nicolas Cage said the script is terrible, and he's in!"
-"It's Rick's birthday.  Help yourself to cocaine in the break room."
-"We've run out of comic books.  How about movies based on phone books?"
-"How about charging fat moviegoers for two seats?"
-"If we get Morgan Freeman to narrate, it won't seem like crap."
-"Is the password still ‘password’?"
-"The ‘Inglourious Basterds’ theme park is a no-go."
-"Half robot / half fish. We'll call it ‘Robocarp.’”
-"Is there a way to turn the last ‘Hobbit’ movie into five more ‘Hobbit’ movies?"
-"For the role of Aretha Franklin, we have offers out to Queen Latifah and Michael Cera."
-"Urgent script.  007 spinoff, starring Seth Rogen as Special Agent James Bong."
-"You cast Ben Affleck as Batman?  I was kidding!"

Dave takes the pile of hacked e-mails and drops them in the wastebasket.   He knew better than to put in the recycling bin.

 
ACT 3:
TOP TEN THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT CUBA
10. Cuba is run by Castro brothers Fidel, Raul, and Cooper
9. Pronounced "Cooba" by natives and pretentious American blowhards
8. Fidel Castro has thwarted multiple assassination attempts by Seth Rogen and James Franco
7. Cuba has never been hacked because they have no Internet
6. Highest civilian honor: receiving a second-hand jacket from Castro's sister
5. Stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (Oh, I'm sorry, that's something you might not know about Scuba)
4. At age 18, every Cuban must perform 4 years of service in baseball
3. Birthplace of Jose Canseco, burial place of his severed finger
2. Cuban "Wheel of Fortune" stars Havana White
1. Cuba has the world's greatest number of vintage American cars second only to Jay Leno
 
Wow, that was a lot of reading for Dave in tonight’s Top Ten.   Hey, here’s something.   To type up the Top Ten on a blue card, we are allowed two items to go two lines.   Anything more will not fit on to the card . . . . . except tonight.    We squished three items that had two lines, numbers 8, 5, and 1.  Not sure if we ever did that before.  
 
TOM BROKAW
Dave thanks Tom for being here, one of Dave’s oldest and most cherished friends to visit the show.  Dave points out that Tom was on our very first Late Show back on August 30, 1993.    Dave had jumped/been pushed from NBC to CBS.   The NBC suits warned Tom to stop pal-ing around with Dave since he was now on the other team . . . but Tom didn’t listen and agreed to stop by.  And he’s been a regular ever since.
Dave congratulates Tom on his recently being awarded the highest civilian honor in the land, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.   Tom particularly enjoyed seeing his 7=year-old grandson walk right up to the President, shaking his hand, and saying, “Hello, Mr. President.”   It’s not what Tom remembers doing when he was 7 years old in South Dakota. 
Tom has battled and continues to battle the myeloma and is getting it farther and farther behind him.  During his therapy, he came up with the idea of a show he calls, “Opening Day.”    It’s all about “Opening Days” across the country, be it baseball, hunting, fishing, state fairs, you name it.  I like the idea.   Opening day is always a time of hope and renewal and memories.   Tom considers these opening days almost a religious event.  It means that much to people and communities.    Remember I likened Black Friday to Opening Day of shopping season?    Tom shares his memories of pheasant hunting in South Dakota.  It’s a really big deal, but the real warmth is the outdoors, the companionship, hunting with your dog, nature, and reliving your childhood memories.    Dave asks something about pheasant hunting . .  . “Is it really worth it?  Is the amount of work worth the meager meal?”    Tom says the real joy of the hunt is what was previously mentioned, and to be honest, no.    Whenever you have to pour Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup over your dinner, you know it’s not good enough to stand on its own.
 
Hey, what’s the deal with Cuba?   We’re going to be friends again with this oppressive regime?  Tom probably explained it the best of those I’ve heard since the announcement.  The Castro brothers aren’t going to be around too much longer.  It’s best we get in there now before the eventual change of regime takes place
The Battle of the Bulge – what most of us know about it is from the movie.   My knowledge of it is that it was cold, it involved tanks, and the Germans ran out of gas.   Tom says it was the worst winter in Europe of the century.   The battle was terribly difficult; the allies outnumbered 200,000 to 80,000.  It was the bloodiest of the war and it was the beginning of the end.
Tom has something for Dave.    It’s a clicker used during the war for Americans and allies to communicate with each other during the D-Day invasion.    The paratroopers would often become separated upon landing.    They would click to each other to signal friend or foe.    There are many things in my 1960s childhood that came out of World War II that I never knew.  These clickers, for instance.   I remember having them as kids, not knowing the history behind it.  I think I recall having one from Drakes Cakes.   I didn’t use the clickers as they did in the war; I used it to pretend I was tap dancing.
Oh, and whenever you hear the awful stories about the war . . . any war . . . realize that those involved were teenagers and those in their young, young twenties.  Now picture your neighbor across the street, or your nephew, or your son . . . picture them in that situation.   Yiiiii.
Dave then asks about the terrible tragedy in Pakistan where the jihadists attacked and slaughtered young children at a school.   It’s just too gruesome to even think about.   Tom says the Islamist countries need to get more actively involved.  We can’t do it on our own.
Tom Brokaw – a real smart, regular guy.   He’d be fun to go fishing with.
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Catch tomorrow’s Late Show with Dave and his guests Rosie O’Donnell, and Jeff Altman.   It’s sad . . . .  I’ll be most of those sea bass don’t even know they’re Chilean.”
 
ACT 6:
Hey, look at this!  Dave finds a tin behind his desk.   There’s a note on top.  It’s from stagehand/property master Pat Farmer.   Dave opens the tin and finds a bunch of homemade brownies.  How nice.  Dave samples.  Paul chimes in that he’d like some, too.  Dave gets up and shares the brownies with Paul.   With that, Pat runs in.   What’s the problem?   
PAT: “I accidentally switched your batch of brownies with the ones I made for Willie Nelson.”
DOH!
Dave doesn’t seem to mind.   He gives the tin of brownies back to Pat.    Dave raves, “Those brownies are primo!”
Whenever Dave talks about the marijuana, he’ll eventually say the word “primo”.  
Going to commercial, we see Willie Nelson sampling the brownies meant for Dave.    He spits it out.  It seems to be missing something, and it’s not sugar.
 
ACT 7:
WILLIE NELSON AND BILLY JOE SHAVER
Two of country music’s greats.    Willie’s new album, “December Day.”   Billy Joe’s new album, “Long In The Tooth.”   Together they performed “Hard To Be An Outlaw.”
 
“It’s hard to be an outlaw who ain’t wanted anymore.
And the only friends that’s left is them behind the swinging doors.”
 
And that was our show for Wednesday December 17, 2014.
 
RUDOLPH AT THE BAR – PART 3 - – never before seen; dug out of the attic after 30 years.  As it was written, with no re-writes.   First thing I ever wrote.  
 
To Recap: Rudolph finds himself in a loser dive bar alone on Christmas Eve.  It’s a bar for losers.   Rudolph feels he’s been used by Santa and his friends, only wanting him on Christmas Eve when it is foggy
CONTINUED . . . .
 
MAN
C’mon now, Rudy.   You gotta break out of this.   Maybe you should get
some professional help.
 
PHONE RINGS.  BARTENDER ANSWERS IT, THEN PUTS IT UP TO HIS CHEST.   HE CALLS OUT TO THE BAR

BARTENDER
Dukakis?   Is there a Mikey Dukakis here?
 
FROM THE END OF THE BAR, YOU CAN JUST SEE THE TOP OF SOMEONE’S HEAD AS HE WAVES HIS HAND INDICATING, “NO, I’M NOT HERE!”
 
BARTENDER
(INTO PHONE)  Uhhh, no, sorry.  There’s no Mike Dukakis here.     
 
RUDOLPH
(OPENING UP TO THE MAN AT THE BAR)
I went for help last year after Santa again laid me off and I got a new job,
which I ended up hating.  So I went to my shrink and he said for me to
quit the job and start all over.    He told me to do what pleased me.    So I
went to my boss and hold him, ‘This job stinks, you stink, the whole
company stinks.  I’m leaving and believe me, the company is going to
miss me more than I’m going to miss the company.’   That’s what I told
him.
 
MAN
Good for you.
 
RUDOLPH
So now I no longer what for IBM.
 
MAN
You worked for IBM!!?
 
RUDOLPH
Computer analyst.   Now I’m broke, I’m hungry, the rent is due, and I hear
IBM is still doing pretty good.  Maybe I made a mistake.   My psychiatrist             is the one who told me I should quit my job, now I can’t afford to see him      anymore.    My wife is on help.  He knows how broke I am and all she            wants to do is go out every night and blow a couple bucks . . .
 
MAN
Yeah, but at least she doesn’t go out and spend your money while she’s
doing it.
 
RUDOLPH SHOOTS THE MAN A DIRTY LOOK.    DOOR OPENS.   A PRETTY WOMAN ENTERS AND SITS AT THE BAR.   DOOR OPENS AGAIN.  SHOW IS COMING DOWN HARDER.  FOUR DRUNKEN TEENAGERS ENTER, WIPING SNOW OFF THEMSELVES.    THEY SEE RUDOLPH, STOP, AND POINT.
 
TEEN #1
(WHISPERING) Isn’t that . . . . ?
 
TEEN #2
Ted Kennedy?
 
TEEN #3
Yeah!
           
TEEN #4
Nooo!  That’s Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer!
 
TEENS 1, 2, 3  
Hey, yeah!   You’re right!   It is Rudolph!
 
TEEN #4
(SARCASTICALLY) Hey, Rudolph, how about an autograph?
 
MAN
Beat it, you guys.    You got the wrong deer.   Go find a party someplace
else.  Scram.
 
TEEN #4
Heh, heh.   “Scram” he says.   Sounds like my father. 
(TEENS TURN TO LEAVE)
Hey, Rudolph!   Get some Clearosil for that nose!
 
THE TEENS EXIT LAUGHING.
 
MAN
(DISGUSTED)  Punks.
 
THROUGH THE DOOR, THE BARTENDER SEES THE NOW HEAVY SNOWFALL.
 
BARTENDER
Hoo, boy.   The snow’s really coming down.
 
THERE IS NO REACTION FROM RUDOLPH.   AFTER A PAUSE, THE MAN REALIZES WHAT THE BARTENDER SAID.  HE GETS UP FROM HIS BARSTOOL AND PEERS OUT THE WINDOW.  HE TURNS AROUND AND SOFTLY SPEAKS TO RUDOLPH WITH URGENCY.
 
MAN
Hey, Rudy.   It’s snowing . . . . . (GAINING EXCITEMENT) . . . . I mean, it’s
really snowing out!
 
RUDOLPH LOOKS AND BECOMES EXCITED WHEN HE REALIZES HOW HARD IT IS REALLY SNOWING.   RUDOLPH JUMPS U AND RUNS TO THE WINDOW.
 
RUDOLPH
(EXCITED) It is!   It really is!   It’s snowing!  It’s a blizzard out there!
 
THE MAN IS VERY EXCITED AND IS PATTING EVERYONE ON THE BACK.  THE BARROOM IS FULL OF JOY.   RUDOLPH THEN STOPS, THINKS, AND SLOWLY GOES BACK TO HIS BARSTOOL.
 
RUDOLPH
(GLUMLY)   Who am I kidding?   I haven’t gone up in years.   They’ve long
since forgotten about me.  The old man won’t come for me.   He doesn’t
even know where I am.
 
MAN
Don’t talk like that!   Get on the phone, tell him you are available.  He
needs you!  He needs you to guide his sleigh tonight!
 
RUDOLPH
I don’t beg to no one.    Just forget it.   It’s over.  Let’s just forget the
whole thing.
 
ALL BECOMES QUIET.  ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE IS A RUMBLE HEARD OUTSIDE.
 
BARTENDER
What in tarnation?
 
Join us tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of “Rudolph At The Bar”
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday today, happy birthday Jenny Wallack.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER


Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike
 

Tonight's Guests

Jay Thomas
Josh Brolin
Darlene Love

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, December 17
Willie Nelson gets a bad batch of brownies.
Tuesday, December 16
Dave presents a furry gift to Charli XCX.
Monday, December 15
Emma Stone and Dave go nuts with the selfies.
Saturday, December 13
Jamie Foxx and Dave partying together? That'd be dope.
Thursday, December 11
Meryl & Susan tout their Academy of Dramatic Arts.