CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, September 22, 2014 "Jungle" Jack Hanna's bald eagle, Challenger, makes his Late Show debut.
Show #4086
Mark Harmon, and Jack Hanna.
PLUS: Fox News; White House Security; the new co-host at The View; and a Top Ten List.

“ . . . and now, able to stand upright on the equinox . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

“400,000 people marched for climate change yesterday. It’s cooler today, so it worked!”
“Last Friday, a person jumped a fence and ran into the White House. Hillary . . . wait your turn!”
(and now, an annual Late Show joke): “The United Nations General Assembly is in town . . . . . 135 world leaders in New York City . . . which explains why you had a hard time getting a hooker.”

New segment . . . . a brand new segment! We know you like these. This one is called, “Fox News: Hard-Hitting Journalism
ART CARD: FOX NEWS HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM
We see the Fox News morning team out on the streets of New York dressed in their festive Oktoberfest beer gear. They are raising happy mugs of ale. An oom-pah band surrounds the hosts. A young lass holds a huge pretzel.
Chimes “Fox and Friends” Tucker Carlson: "Welcome back to ‘Fox & Friends.’ Tomorrow, Navy Seals tell their amazing story of how one survived being shot 27 times by four al Qaeda terrorists."
ART CARD: FOX NEWS HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM

C’mon, isn’t anybody in charge over there?

Over the weekend, a guy jumped the White House fence and made it through the front door. Officials are already taking steps to make sure this never happens again. We take a look at this special report on White House security.
ANNOUNCE: "Following the recent security breach at the White House, the Secret Service is taking additional measures to ensure that unwelcome individuals are not permitted access to the building."
We cut to President Obama trying to enter a door at the White House. It’s locked. He tries another door. It, too, is locked.
ANNOUNCE: "Lou Thompson, Fake CNN, Washington."
You can blame Michelle for that. I think that clip was shot right after Barack was seen flirting with Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning- Schmidt at the Nelson Mandela funeral.

They’ve got a brand new cast at “The View.” One of the new co-hosts is Nicolle Wallace, the former communications director for George W. Bush. You know she’s good, because few can remember a better communicator than George W. Bush. We take a look at a look back at how good a speaker GWBush is.
We see George W. Bush listening to a woman complaining about her television reception. Yeah, that’s right, a woman thinks this is worth the President’s time. After a long preamble about her television reception, George W. Bush sighs, "Interesting, isn't it? . . . . . wooo!"

ACT 2:
Dave noticed, but did anyone else? His desk microphone was set backwards on his desk. It was pointing out, not in. My guess is so it would pick up the laughs better.

TOP TEN APPLE VARIETIES OR TELEVISION DETECTIVES – sponsored by Voya Financial – changing the way you think of retirement. Dave wonders if that was specifically for him. “Should I be calling those guys” he ponders. Perhaps, but i think the ears of many here perked when they heard it.

TOP TEN APPLE VARIETIES OR TELEVISION DETECTIVES
10. McIntosh
9. Mannix
8. Northern Spy
7. Fuji
6. Baretta
5. Santana
4. Dan Tana
3. Jonagold
2. John Shaft
1. Tie: Granny Smith/Barnaby Jones

MARK HARMON
He’s the star of the number one show in America, “NCIS”. He’s also the executive producer of the new “NCIS: New Orleans,” the one with the commercial where someone refers to New Orleans as being Scott Bakula’s city. Bakula, slowly walking away, says, “And don’t you forget it.”
Mark is the dad of two boys, aged 26 and 22. They keep in touch by texting. Boys aren’t so good at keeping in touch. It may take 3-10 days for a response. On NCIS, Mark had to work with a wolf . . . a real live wolf. But aren’t wolves wild and untamable? Mark says the handlers kept the wolf well fed so it wouldn’t look at Mark as if he was his next meal. He explains how the handlers kept the wolf satisfied. They tied a big piece of meat on a bone to a rope. The wolf would happily dine on the meated bone. And then when it was time to shoot, the handler would yank the bone away. Sure, the wolf may be full, but I would expect it wasn’t too happy. There have been times where I’ve had more than enough beer, but if someone took away the one I was drinking, I’d be pretty angry. Somehow the handlers were able to convince Mark and the NCIS people that this was a good idea. How did it go? Well, Mark is here to tell the story, so I guess it went OK.

Uh oh, we got footage of something! Years ago, Mark twice appeared on The Dating Game. Let’s take a look. He was 1 for 2. The first time he was on, Mark was one of the three bachelors answering the questions of the lovely bachelorette and hoping to be selected. The second time he was on, he was the one asking the questions to three bachelorettes. He was guaranteed the date. Where did he and his date go on their date? Nowhere. They never went out on a date. Gee, that sounds a bit like Mark, the wolf, and the piece of meat. “NCIS” – Tuesdays at 8:00.
“NCIS: New Orleans” – Tuesdays at 9:00.

ACT 4:
JACK HANNA

Speaking of wolves, how would a man handle a wild wolf? Obviously, a pack of wolves would devour the human. And one lone wolf? Jack says it would take the human by the neck and it would be over. Pack or one, the wolf wins.
Did you know that Jack has a blank spot in his brain? He had an MRI and the doctor discovered the empty space. Dave doesn’t seem all that surprised. I was waiting for, “The doctor x-rayed my brain and found nothing.”

1. Two baby mountain – these were rescued two weeks ago from a Montana forest fire.
Jack holds his cat right up to his face. He offers Dave the same opportunity. Dave isn’t sure if that’s a good idea. The male mountain lion will kill his offspring minutes after birth. They’re solitary beasts. For this reason, the mama lion skedaddles way before birth. In humans, it’s often the male that skedaddles.

2. A Labrador doggie and a cheetah. The cheetah was an only child and when that happens, the mama cheetah will often eat it. The cheetah is also endangered. Wonder why? The cheetah sits in the guest chair staring hard at our cameraman with the hand-held. The back of the cheetah was raised a bit. Uh oh. I wondered if the cheetah was in what appeared to be attack mode because our cameraman was also in the crouched position. If the cheetah does attack, it’ll grab the cameraman by the neck and hang on for at least 10 minutes until the guy is no longer on the payroll. I check my watch and figure if this happens, we’ll probably be in commercial. The cheetah and lab are being raised together. They are getting along fine, but just wait until the lab comes home one night smelling of stale perfume.

3. Skunk – Dave holds the young skunk which is lying down in Dave’s hand stomach-up. The skunk is not shy in showing where his stink bomb comes from. Dave says his dog Sully gets sprayed all the time. Jack suggests tomato juice or ketchup as a stink remedy. Dave says that’s a myth and offers his own concoction of hydrogen peroxide, warm water, laundry detergent, and baking soda.

4. Bald eagle – our national bird. Standing at the back of the house, a handler has a hold of the eagle. The eagle then flies down over the audience to a 2nd handler standing by Dave. Very cool

5. Camel – it’s much bigger than I expected. OK, how many people out there were saying to themselves, “It’s hump day. It’s hump day”? Jack tries to board the camel but only gets halfway up the back. Jack holds on with all his might. It reminds me of a movie I saw at a very bad bachelor party. Yeah, we got the wrong reel.

And that was Jungle Jack and his animals.

Tonight’s inductee into the Backstage PhotoClub: audio tech Jim Murray.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Tune in again tomorrow when Dave’s got Denzel Washington, and Lenny Kravitz. Coming up: is it worth buying a travel-size rake? Our experts help you decide.”

And that was our show for Monday, September 22, 2014.

I was once on The Dating Game in college. The dorm put on their own little show. I was the one asking the questions to three bachelorettes. I had the same trick planned as Mark Harmon. I had a stooge in the audience who would signal me to pick #1, #2, or #3. Anyway, what I remember about the game was my question: “If I were an ice cream cone, what would be the first thing you would do to me.” Big reaction from the audience. I posed the questions to Bachelorette #3. She was speechless. It became a bit uncomfortable as we all sat there in silence. I then followed that with, “OK, I’ll make it easier for you. Would you want the ice cream to be hard or soft?” Well well well . . . that bought the house down. And I lived off that line for months.
I have no idea why I’m thinking about this. Maybe it’s from the GWBush piece where the woman droned on and on about her faulty television reception. I can’t help but think I may be the only one who remembers this. It’s the 1972 presidential campaign season. Senator George McGovern is before a college audience and he is being asked a question by a student. The student and the Presidential candidate are standing side-by-side. The student proceeds to ask a question that runs forever. The student presented a history lesson before he ever got to the question. The student spoke for what seemed to be at least 5 minutes before he got to the question mark. As I sat and watched at the age of 14, I begged the Senator . . . I “Played The George” . . . . I begged the Senator to say at the end of the student’s 5 minute egoist query . . . . I so wanted George McGovern to say, “I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?” McGovern would have still lost the election, but I believe it would have been a whole lot closer.
Am I the only one to remember that? Let me see if I can Google it. Nope.

400,000 climate change marchers in New York City yesterday. I guess Mark Twain’s “Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it” isn’t true anymore.
New York’s United States Senators Chuck Schumer and Kristen Gillibrand marched to support less use of carbon fuel. The two also lead all other U.S. Senators in taxpayer-paid charter flights last year.

This weekend, a guy jumped a fence and entered the White House illegally. Now the Obamas know how Texas feels.

Jameis Winston should have said he was rapping. That always seems to make everything OK.

Know what I realize? When the Late Show goes, so too will the Wahoo Gazette. I feel so bad for you. I’ll still have me, but what will you do?

And now, THIS DATE IN CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER HISTORY
September 22, 1999: Adam Skoglund of Kerkhoven, Minnesota.
This concludes another installment of THIS DATE IN CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER HISTORY

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday today, and the first girl I ever kissed, from Draper, Utah, it’s Elise Weiner Blomer
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Denzel Washington
Lenny Kravitz

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, September 22
"Jungle" Jack Hanna's bald eagle, Challenger, makes his Late Show debut.
Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.