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Tuesday, December 16, 2014 Dave presents a furry gift to Charli XCX.

Show #4134
Anna Kendrick, Charli XCX, and New Holiday Toys with Shannon Eis.  
PLUS: the new Surgeon General; some new meds; Annie: Where Is She Now; a Top Ten list; and a visit from the President of SONY Pictures. 
 
" . . .  and now, international man of intrigue . . . . . .  David Letterman!"
 
ACT 1:
I was out in the audience standing off to the side during the ACT 1.   I was preparing.
 
MONOLOGUE
- "Jeb Bush announced that he is considering running for President in 2016.   I think Bush Presidencies is like 'Godfather' movies.   You should stop at two."
 
The Senate confirmed President Obama's choice for Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy.   It's about time, right?   We haven't had one since . . . . Koop?    I don't know . . . that's the only one I could think of.    And for that reason, we've prepared a segment called, "Get To Know The New Surgeon General."
ART CARD: GET TO KNOW THE NEW SURGEON GENERAL
ANNOUNCE: "Dr. Vivek Murthy has degrees from Harvard and Yale Medical School. He practices at Boston's Brigham & Women's Hospital, and has founded various public health initiatives, such as Doctors for America.   Good luck, Dr. Murphy!" 
What made this so odd was Dr. Murthy was smoking cigarettes in each shot.    Oh, the fun we have with doctoring photos!
 
The holidays can be a very stressful time of year for lots of people, but the folks who have it really hard are the guys who have to dress up as Santa in shopping malls.   Well, there's some good news for them.    We take a look at this.
ANNOUNCE:  "The holiday season is a time for sharing good cheer with friends and loved ones . . . . but if you're a mall Santa, the holidays mean crying children and pushy parents, resulting in stress, anxiety and depression.   It's time to ask your doctor about  . . . . Santax.    Santax is a prescription medication that relieves the burdensome, negative emotions so often associated with the season.
Santax. And for Santas with heartburn, try Santac"
 
A new movie adaptation of "Annie" hits theaters this week.  This got us wondering what happened to the original Annie.  Well, we did some research and take a look at what we discovered.    It's something we call, "Annie: Where Is She Now?"
ART CARD - ANNIE: WHERE IS SHE NOW?
ANNOUNCE: "In 1932, young actor Mitzi Green landed the starring role of Annie in the first film adaptation of the popular comic strip, 'Little Orphan Annie.'   She later performed on Broadway and hit the dinner theater and night club circuits. After taking time off to get married and raise a family, Green returned to the spotlight.   She began wearing men's suits, took a job as a late-night television announcer in New York City, and changed her name from Mitzi to Alan."  (photo of Alan Kalter)
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Annie: Where Is She Now?' "
ART CARD - ANNIE: WHERE IS SHE NOW?
 
A surprised Dave salutes Alan for his proud but secretive past.   Why hide your light under a bushel?   Dave looks over to Alan: "Wow, Alan!  I had no idea!"
ALAN: "Dave, it's all true . . . it's all true! (to the band)  Hit it, boys!"   The band kicks up the Annie song, "Tomorrow."   Alan stands and croons the great Broadway hit as he strides across the stage towards and out the guest entrance.
ALAN: "The sun will come out tomorrow, so you got to hand on 'til tomorrow, come what may.
Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!   I love you, tomorrow.    You're always a day away."
 
Big applause from the audience.    Dave begins to thank Alan, who then continues "Tomorrow" off camera.
ALAN: " . . . . Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!   I love you, tomorrow.    You're always a day away."
 
Dave's had enough.   He throws to commercial.  With Alan off-stage, the ACT 1 bumper tease announce duties fell to me.    Though I'm more than willing, I always try to offer other options instead of me announcing.  Tonight I suggested that Alan continue to sing "Tomorrow" over the usual ACT 1 bumper shot and graphics.   BUZZ
 
ACT 2:
Hoo, boy, I wouldn't give SONY's troubles to a monkey on a rock.   SONY Pictures have a new movie out, "The Interview," with Seth Rogen and James Franco.  It's a lighthearted, breezy, fun movie about assassinating a nation's leader, North Korea's Kim Jong-Un.   And why should that bother them?  Well, the North Koreans weren't happy about this.  They got in touch with China, the hacking professionals, and asked if they wanted to screw around with Japan.  China is always up for that, so together North Korea and China decided to hack into the SONY Pictures.    And what fun we've all had since!  No, really, it's not a good thing.  The exposure of the peccadillos and tics and indiscretions of our rich and famous shouldn't be used for our amusement . . . unless we get to read it first in a magazine.   Anyway, SONY Pictures got in touch with Dave and asked if they could provide their side of the story.    We said, "Sure!  C'mon over!"      Here tonight is the President of SONY Pictures, Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters and stands center stage.
 
JIM KEYES: "Thanks, Dave.   Folks, what can I say but 'yikes!'   Those darn hackers really got us in hot water over the leaked documents . . . and I want to personally apologize for my e-mail in which I called the late Lorne Greene a 'whiny little bitch.'   But you know what, Lorne? If the shoe fits... heh hehe heh heh heh.   But now it is time to move forward and win back America's trust.   And wouldn't you know it, Dave Letterman came to me with a great idea for a holiday promotion.   Go to the new Sony Pictures film, 'The Interview,' opening December 25th, and you'll enjoy free admission if you say, 'I support Sony . . . . the hackers are baloney!' Pretty sweet Christmas present, am I right? And if the North Koreans don't like it, they can take it up with that man right there,  . . . . Dave Letterman!" (points in Dave's direction, leads applause) "Together, we'll get through this.
See you at the movies, folks, and happy holidays from all of us at Sony Pictures!"
Jim Keyes exits.
Dave is a bit surprised at SONY's Pictures President's comment about Lorne Greene.
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS JEB BUSH IS ASKING HIMSELF WHILE "ACTIVELY EXPLORING" A RUN FOR PRESIDENT - Yup, another Bush is in the mix.
10. "Am I sure I won't embarrass the family?"
9. "Can I find a running mate as likeable as Dick Cheney?"
8. "If I run, who will rig the election in Florida?"
7. "Do I have what it takes to be America's final president?"
6. "Have I ever emailed anyone at Sony?"
5. "Did Mitt Romney prove Americans don't like made-up first names?"
4. "Is America ready for its 44th white-guy president?"
3. "Would I have to leave Miami?"
2. "Are there any countries left to invade?"
1. "Is it a big deal that I was born in Kenya?"
 
Bush AND Clinton back?   America might be able to handle one, but not both.   Bush will hurt Clinton, and Clinton will hurt Bush.
I'm kinda hoping Hillary is the Democratic candidate, just to see the Republican attack commercial  based on her 2008 campaign commercial of "Who do you want answering the phone at the White House when it rings at 3:00 AM?"      The GOP will couple that commercial with Hillary's reaction as the crisis in Benghazi unfolded.   You can be sure of that.   And who cares how accurate or truthful it is.   It doesn't matter.   They're already working on it. 
Facts, shmacts.
 
ACT 3:
It's that time of year for toy shopping, and who better to tell us about the New Holiday Toys but toy expert Shannon Eis.
 
1. CAT PAWS - It's battery-operated paw of a cat.  Press the button and the paw paws and pats.  Uh huh.  Dave tries it out and calls it the dumbest, stupidest thing he's ever seen.   Dave wonders, " . .  and this is for a child?"  I guess it works as a kind of massager, and I think it might "meow."   Makes a great stocking stuffer . . . for somebody else.   $9.99.    Why not just give someone ten bucks?  They'd appreciate it more.
2. AIR STORM FIRE TEK BOW - It's a foam rubber bow and arrow thing.   Soft foam rubber projectiles and can be shot from a bow.   Dave samples . .  . and it works surprisingly well!  Surprisingly, because nothing seems to work as advertised.    The Air Storm Fire Tek Bow seems to work.    We didn't have this when we were kids.    My neighborhood made our own bow and arrow out of sticks and twigs.  Dave's neighborhood friends simply threw rocks at each other.   $29.
3. URBAN SPIRIT SKATEBOARD - it's an electric skateboard.   Dave will have nothing to do with it.   Shannon refuses to try it. Nor will Paul, or Bill Scheft.  Bill quickly nominates Todd the cue card guy.  Todd is always game for such stunts.   He scurries over, puts on the helmet, and rides back and forth across the stage, giving the "Hey, Dude" hand signal.    $$650.   Why not just give someone $650?
4. THE WUBBLE - It's a giant plastic balloon.   It's soft, it's light, it's durable, it's bouncy, it's fun.    And so easy to store!    Dave kicks a half-dozen into the audience.    $20.
5. The MX650 ELECTRIC DIRT BIKE - the minibike/dirt bike reaches speeds of 17 mph.   Dave puts on a helmet to drive the thing.   Long time Late Show viewers have a pretty good idea what's to come.   Dave drives the bike back and forth across the stage a few times . .  . and then slams it into the Christmas tree.   No one was hurt.   But he's not done.   Dave aims the bike towards the guest entrance and out he goes . . . out he goes to 53rd Street, and down towards 8th.   We lose sight of him for a second as he turns around and returns on the sidewalk, a crime.   Our head of security and former cop Bill DeLace decides to let Dave go with only a warning.  He re-enters the theater still in one piece.   How much?   Dave didn't ask, Shannon didn't say, but I bet it's a lot more than my first car, a '70 Chevy Impala I got for $300.
 
ACT 4:
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh, I know her!  She's fun!  Anna is Cinderella in the new "Into The Woods."   Ooh, Cinderella!  That must mean Anna is the star of the picture.  Wishful thinking.    A somewhat disgusted and resigned Anna says that title goes to Meryl Streep.   Anna was also in the "Pitch Perfect" movie, a movie I enjoyed a whole lot more than I expected.
Anna will be spending the holidays here in New York City.     It'll be her first time.   She's spent time in the city before, but not during the Christmas holidays.  Afterwards, she'll be heading off to Maine to spend time with the family and exchange gifts.   Is there anything she is hoping for?    Anna says she really doesn't have anything in mind, but . .  . . .  she just has to ask Dave this . . . ." . . . . that cat toy . . . . . . that . . . that . . . that is a fur-covered dildo!  No?"   Dave, hesitantly, says, "Well, whatever you want it to be, Anna."   Dave is handed the Cat Paw, who then hands it to Anna, "Merry Christmas!'  Dave never thought of it in that way, but now that's the ONLY way you can think.
 
Just last night, Anna was in London promoting her film, "Into The Woods."  She's learned the best thing to do on a long flight is to fall asleep as soon as possible.  That's easier said than done, so Anna took an Ambien.  She's learned that's not always a good thing for her.   It really knocks her out, and then when she awakes, she'll find her surroundings a bit discombobulated.    The last time she took one on a flight, she woke to find herself wearing everything that was in her carry-on.   She doesn't remembering doing that.  What makes her most uneasy is how she got dressed.  Was it quick and quietly, or was it a big fashion show-type thing.  She has no memory.   She also discovered she took an intense 30-second video of her salad.   But she woke up refreshed!
 
Her new film "Into The Woods" opens Christmas Day.   The musical is back!!
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Tune in again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Tom Brokaw, and Willie Nelson and Billy Joe Shaver.   After the break, our judges announce their pick for 'Best Nominee In A Category.'"
 
ACT 7:
CHARLI XCX
From her new album, "Sucker," the recently Grammy nominated singer performed "Need Ur Luv."   I'll ask my daughters.
I haven't seen a performance like that on a piano since Michelle Pfeiffer in "The Fabulous Baker Boys"
 
And that was our show for Tuesday December 17, 2014
 
PART II:
RUDOLPH AT THE BAR - never before seen; dug out of the attic after 30 years.  As it was written, with no re-writes.   First thing I ever wrote.  
-  To recap.  It's Christmas Eve at a quiet, depressing, local bar.  A sour man drinks by himself until Rudolph enters.    Rudolph, equally down and out, finally admits to his identity.
 
MAN
No, c'mon, man!   You are Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.   
I know you are!   I swear it.  C'mon now, out with the truth.
 
RUDOLPH
OK, OK, but keep it down, will ya?   I just want to be left alone.  
This isn't one of my favorite nights of the year, you know.     
Just leave me alone, and let me enjoy my drink.
 
MAN
But what are you doing here?   It's Christmas Eve!  Your big night!   
You're supposed to be working.  Who's gonna guide Santa's sleigh tonight?
 
RUDOLPH
Listen, I don't want to talk about it.   Besides, I don't care who'll 
guide the old man's sleigh tonight.     (Pauses ---- takes a drink)    
Ahh, what's the use.   All right, if you must know, I'm not working 
tonight because they don't need me and they don't want me.    
There.  I said it, now leave me alone.
 
MAN
What do you mean "they don't need" you?   Of course, they need you.    
What about the song?   You know!  It says Santa came to you and 
personally asked you to guide his sleigh . . . .  and then all of the other 
reindeer loved you and shouted out with glee.   What about that, huh?    
Do you think I'm making this up?"
 
RUDOLPH
Enough with that song, all ready.   That song . . . . that song . . . that's all 
I ever hear.    Dammit, why don't you sit down and read the whole thing!  
Maybe then you'll understand.
 
MAN
What do you mean?  Santa asked you to guide this sleigh.   It goes . . . . 
let me think, now . . . . "then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, 
'Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight.'"
 
RUDOLPH
Exactly!   'Then one foggy Christmas Eve!'   ONE FOGGY CHRISTMAS EVE!  
See?   He doesn't want me every year; only when it's nasty out.  If it's  nice out, 
it's 'forget about Rudolph.  Who needs Rudolph?  We don't want Rudolph.   
But if it is foggy or if it's a blizzard, then they all want me.  
It's 'Where's Rudolph?  Where is my old pal?   We need him.  We love him.'    
I tell you, I'm tired of being used.   They use me then throw me out like 
an old smelly sock.
 
MAN
But what about your friends?   They really do love you!   Why don't they
get together and ask Santa to let . . .
 
RUDOLPH
(INTERRUPTING)   THE SONG!   Look at the song.  Because of my nose,
they used to laugh and call me names.   Do you think they ever let me
play in any of their games?    No way!   That one year when I DID lead the
sleigh, I was a big shot then.  Oh, sure, they all loved me then.   But ever
since forget about it.   I've got no real friends.  They're all a bunch of
phonies.   You've heard of fair weather friends . . . well . . .  they're just
the opposite.   They only like me in foul weather.  That's why I come here.  
It's a bar for losers.    Charlie-in-the-Box was right.  I'm a misfit.   I'm a
loser.
 
SILENCE.   RUDOLPH GULPS HIS DRINK AND ORDERS ANOTHER AS HE PAWS UP THE MONEY.    MAN TAKES ANOTHER SIP FROM HIS, LOOK INTO HIS BEER, FEELING ASHAMED.  DOOR OPENS.   ONE CAN SEE A LIGHT SNOW FALLING OUTSIDE.   IN WALKS A CAN OF "NEW COKE."   A LARGE CAN WITH LEGS . . . NO ARMS . . . NO MOUTH.  HE SITS AT THE BAR.
 
BARTENDER
(TO NEW COKE)   What'll it be?    (New Coke doesn't answer) 
"C'mon, pal, what'll it be?   I don't have all day.  Speak up.
 
RUDOLPH
I think he said '7 and 7'.
 
BARTENDER
Thanks.
 
SILENCE.  NEW COKE TURNS TO RUDOLPH AND TIPS  HIS "HEAD" IN THANKS.   BARTENDER RETURNS WITH THE DRINK.
 
BARTENDER
That'll be two and a quarter.   (pause)    "C'mon, pal, where's the dough?
 
NEW COKE HAS NO ARM TO GET HIS MONEY OUT OF HIS POCKET AND CANNOT EXPLAIN.
 
BARTENDER
Ahh, get out of here, you deadbeat, you no good pain in the neck.   I got a
business to run here.  This ain't no charity line.
 
RUDOLPH                   
Here, it's Christmas Eve.   I got it.
 
BARTENDER
(ANGRILY TO NEW COKE)   Ahhh, cripes.   One and only one drink, then
you're outta here.  Got it?  I won't have you bothering my customers.
 
MAN
(WHISPERING TO RUDOLPH)  Isn't that New Coke?
 
RUDOLPH                                                       
Shhhh . . . . . yeah, that's him.  He's had it really tough.  Nobody ever gave him a chance.  It's a shame, a real shame.
 
NEW COKES DRINKS HIS 7 & 7 THROUGH A STRAW
 
MAN   
Wow, "New Coke."    This really is a loser bar.
 
BARTENDER
We had Doug Lewellen and Rusty the Bailiff in here yesterday.
 
MAN
No kidding?!
 
BARTENDER
Rusty's a good guy, a shot-and-a-beer man, but that Doug Lewellen, he's a little . . . . (voice trails off)
 
MAN
Who else do you get in here?
 
BARTENDER
It is bad barroom etiquette to divulge one's patrons but we've had Rick
Dees, Marion Barry is here all the time, Bruce Willis came in here right
after he completed 'Hudson Hawk.'    We get a lot of game show hosts,
and the Cleveland Indians throw their team party here every year.
 
RUDOLPH
. . . and me.  I'm a regular here.
 
TO BE CONTINUED . . . . . .
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From California Lemon Lawyers, on this his birthday, it's Ramapo High School alum Scott Kaufman
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
 
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
@WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Tom Brokaw
Will Nelson & Billy Joe Shaver

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Tuesday, December 16
Dave presents a furry gift to Charli XCX.
Monday, December 15
Emma Stone and Dave go nuts with the selfies.
Saturday, December 13
Jamie Foxx and Dave partying together? That'd be dope.
Thursday, December 11
Meryl & Susan tout their Academy of Dramatic Arts.
Wednesday, December 10
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer eaten alive!