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Tuesday, September 30, 2014 Alan Kalter reveals the Secret Word of the night!
Show #4092
John Oliver, Maggie Q, and Bleachers.
PLUS: Something from Benjamin Netanyahu; the Postmaster General; the Clooney Wedding; a Top Ten List; Who's That on the Phone; Where's the Pizza?; and Tonight's Secret Word.

" . . . and now, the innocent bystander. . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "It's not good when the Clooney wedding is more secure that the White House."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just delivered the United Nations address, which brings us to another installment of "Benjamin Netanyahu: Geopolitical Zinger."
This piece already had me smiling . . . . . something to do with the word "zinger."
ART CARD: BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: GEOPOLITICAL ZINGER
We see Netanyahu speaking before the United Nations General Assembly. He orates, "You know, to say that Iran doesn't practice terrorism is like saying Derek Jeter never played shortstop for the New York Yankees."
Rim shot. Comic horn. Audience cheers/laughs.
ART CARD: BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: GEOPOLITICAL ZINGER
I enjoyed that a lot more than I probably should have. I love it when unfunny people try to be funny.

Hey, who is this? A well-dressed gent runs in and stands by Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hello. What can I do for you?"
GUY: "Hello, David, I'm Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe."
DAVE: "Wow! Great to have you here. What can I do for you?"
GUY: "As you may have heard, one of our employees was recently found to be illegally hoarding over 40,000 pieces of undelivered mail."
DAVE: "Yes, I just mentioned that. That's crazy."
GUY: "I'm here to let your listeners know that I've made it my personal responsibility to deliver every piece of that missing mail to its intended recipient."
DAVE: "That's great" (Dave leads the applause) "That's quite an undertaking."
GUY: "Yes, it is. So Dave, here is your April 2011 issue of 'Good Housekeeping.'"
DAVE: "That's great! Look at this! Dr. Oz on the cover! You know, I was wondering what happened to that. Thank you very much, Mr. Donahoe."
GUY: "Well, I've gotta go now, Dave, but before I go, I was wondering if I could sing a song . . . . hit it, Paul!" Paul strikes up the band. The guy starts singing "Mr. Postman." Dave quickly puts a stop to it.
GUY: "Postmaster General, out!" The guy snaps a salute, then exits.

Congratulations to George Clooney who was married over the weekend in Venice to Amal Alamuddin. We take a look at this report.
ANNOUNCE: (over footage of the wedding party and guests traveling to the wedding in boats.) "George Clooney was married Saturday to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin, along the canals of Venice, Italy. Wedding attendees arrived via boat, and included such famous names as rocker and fellow humanitarian, Bono, 'Ocean's Eleven' co-star Matt Damon, veteran actors Joe Pesci and Danny Glover (frightful boat scene from one of their movies), colleague and mentor Harrison Ford (frightful boat scene from one of his movies), fellow 'People's' Sexiest Man Alive, Pierce Brosnan (scene from one of his Bond movies), long-time friends John Travolta and Nicolas Cage (frightful boat scene from one of their movies),, and, of course, the excited groom."
We cut to Mr. Clooney from the film, "The Perfect Storm." He bellows amidst the raging ocean, "Arrrgh, you bitch!"
ANNOUNCE: "Peter Peterson, CNN."

ACT 2:
The pizza people are being jerks. It stemmed from something in the pre-show Q&A. In response, Dave put a call out for some pizza to be delivered from Brooklyn. Well, they won't deliver to us here in Manhattan. They wouldn't even agree to meet us halfway. Yeah, why would the Brooklyn pizza place want all this free publicity? Dave had to send out one of our best pizza pick-up people on the staff to get the specified pie. New Yorkers knew immediately it would never get here on time, but we all pretended that it might.

Dave picks up the phone and we hear a baseball announcer with a meandering announce covering the play on the un-named game. And who was this gent? Mark Patrick. He was going a bit with his Harry Carey. After hanging up, Dave picks it up again for some more Mark Patrick/Harry Carey.

And Dave continues to show his ire at the Brooklyn pizza parlor. Paul chimes in with equal pique. And then we get some more of the baseball guy on the phone.

TOP TEN SECRET SERVICE EXCUSES
The guy who jumped the fence got into the White House much farther than originally reported. And now there are more reports of Secret Service shortcomings.
TOP TEN SECRET SERVICE EXCUSES
10. "You try running full speed in a suit"
9. "Thought it was Biden"
8. "Can't just assume every guy storming the White House is a threat"
7. "We always mute the alarm during 'Jeopardy'"
6. "We're only here till Thursday"
5. "We need a dome"
4. "Can't see a thing through these dark glasses"
3. "About time someone in Washington got off the fence -- and I right, ladies?"
2. "Didn't George W. Bush prove anyone can get into the White House?"
1. "Excuse? What happened?"

We finish up with another Mark Patrick/Harry Carey installment on the phone.

ACT 3:
How 'bout some more Mark Patrick on the phone? Sure, if you say so.

JOHN OLIVER
The host of the new and very popular HBO series, "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver." When John sat down, I caught a very slight glimpse of Luke Wilson. Anyone else see it?
Dave asks for a quick bio of John's career. John says he failed at success as a standup comedian in England for 10 years. And that got him a job at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Oliver is still not sure how that happened. He feels somebody made a huge error. And now he's on the cover of Rolling Stone. Says John, "It's amazing for me and a sad day for Rolling Stone." He feels sorry for Jimi Hendrix. He imagines Hendrix saying, "If John Oliver can be on the cover of Rolling Stone, how cool can it be?"
Dave then asks for an explanation about soccer in England. "Football" is very dear to John. It's what he wanted to be when he grew up. Being on TV with a show was very far down the list. He'd much rather be a professional soccer player. Dave is curious about the soccer teams and leagues in England. There are four leagues, the highest being the Premier League, followed by the Championship; 1st Division, then 2nd Division. Amateur leagues follow. The way I've always heard was that each year, the bottom teams in the Premiere League are dropped down to the Championship League and the top Champion League teams are elevated to the Premiere League, and so on down the line. I think that's sort of what John was explaining. That isn't so true anymore, though. It's hard to move up or down. Dave wonders if that's the case, then what's the point? John exclaims that is exactly why soccer will never catch on in the United States. It always comes back to "so what's the point?" John believes there is no point; there is just soccer and leave it at that.

"Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" - Sunday nights at 11:00 PM on HBO. Very likeable fellow.

ACT 4:
While Dave is at the desk waiting for an alarm to sound, we suddenly hear an alarm. Lights lower, a spot lights searches left and right.
ALAN: "Dave, you know what that means?! You've said tonight's Secret Word!"
Graphic/fanfare/lights fantastic.
Dave is confused, but elated.
DAVE: "That's great! What was tonight's Secret Word?"
ALAN: "Tonight's Secret Word was 'Radish.'"
Ding ding ding ding.
DAVE: "But . . . . I didn't say 'radish.'"
ALAN: "You didn't?"
DAVE: "No."
ALAN: "Never mind, then."
Dave and Alan stare back and forth at each other, saying nothing. Dave eventually . . . .
DAVE: "Really . . . never mind, then . . . . . . . radish."
ALAN: "Congratulations, Dave! You've said tonight's Secret Word!"
DAVE: "Wow! That's great! And . . . and what have I won?"
Cut back to Alan. He is in his hat and coat and already going home.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here for tomorrow's Late Show with Dave and Bill O'Reilly, and Cristin Milioti. When we come back, our experts explain why your most cherished beliefs were wrong."

ACT 6:
MAGGIE Q
Easy guess . . . Paul and the band played CCR's "Suzie Q" for her entrance.
Maggie was born in Hawaii and left for Japan at the age of 17. All together now . . . WHY?! Why would anyone leave Hawaii? She was looking for work and adventure. From Japan, Maggie went to Taiwan, then to Hong Kong. There she met a woman who took her in and cared for her. The woman went on to become Maggie's manager ever since. And the woman is in our audience tonight. Dave gets up to greet her in the audience with a hand kiss. Maggie became a huge star in Asia and came to America in 2005. She says she enjoys the anonymity here in the States, something she didn't have in Asia.
Maggie is an animal lover, especially her dogs. She was out on a walk with her beloved German Shepherd when they came across an ornery buck with a full rack. The elderly Shepherd was gored and tossed. Maggie rushed to her dog's defense and jumped on top of the buck. I pictured Jack Hanna on the camel. The buck flicked its neck and Maggie went flying. But it was enough to prevent the elk from continuing its attack on her doggie. It was an insane yet wonderful thing to do. Now there's a movie! Maggie Q - now in the new CBS show, "Stalker," which premieres Wednesday night at 10 PM.

ACT 7:
BLEACHERS
Bleachers is Jack Antonoff's latest endeavor, from his album "Strange Desire," Bleachers performed "Rollercoaster."

And that was our show for Tuesday September 30, 2014.

If you took John Oliver and Fred Armisen, put them in a bag and shook them up, you would get Jack Antonoff.

I was so hoping that Dave would have said "radish" sometime before the ACT 4 Secret Word piece. BUZZ.

My favorite type of joke to tell: "The intruder at the White House got around more than Jeffy looking for a cookie."
Too vague? Likely. But I'm looking for that one guy who knows who "Jeffy" is, who can place him in "The Family Circus" comic strip, then leap to the familiar strip where Jeffy runs through the entire house looking for something, his route traced by a dotted line. That's a lot to hope for, but if one in ten . . one in twenty. . . . even one in thirty gets it . . . Ta-da! That's what I'm looking for.

Denise and I bought a house down by the Jersey Shore. It's an investment. We'll never live in it. It's a semi-fixer-upper that we've prepared to have rented. New tenants were moving in on Friday and the house had to be ready for inspection. I drove down on Friday to cut the grass, put up a rain gutter, and other odds and ends. The lawn was the final piece. After the cut, I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up an inexpensive leaf blower to get rid of the cut grass off the driveway and front walk. Now you would think K-Mart would have a leaf blower in September since that is when leaves fall. They only had one and it was out of the box. No leaf blowers but they had walls and walls of Christmas stuff ready to go. But only one leaf blower. My brain was shouting "Don't buy it! Don't buy it!" but I was in a rush so I bought it. The cashier had trouble scanning the price which made my brain scream even louder, "Don't' buy it" but I was in a rush so I bought it. I took it to the house, plugged it in . . . . and nothing. Maybe a bad outlet? Nope. Tried all the outlets, inside and out . . . . . no good. My brain was now shouting, "See?! See?!" but I was in a rush so I felt I had to buy it. I take it back to K-Mart 20 minutes after the purchase. As I pass the cashier lady, she says with a big smile, "You're bringing it back already?" I told her that I made the silly assumption that it would work. I proceeded to customer service to return an item for only the second time in my life. As I put the leaf blower on the counter, a woman in the back exclaims with a smile, "Oh, wow, that's coming back again?!" My brain was screaming, "See? See!" I asked the woman if I could smash the leaf blower on the floor and stomp on it. She smiled and told me I couldn't. I said if the last guy had done that, I wouldn't have had to return it like he did. I added that if she let me smash it, the next guy who bought it wouldn't have to return it, either. I think they . . . . I . . . I think I was lucky that the leaf blower was no longer in my possession because if I heard, ""Oh, wow, that's coming back again?!" I probably would have smashed it on the floor and stomped it. It would have been worth the money I paid. So K-Mart breaks even and gets their broken leaf blower back, I get my money back, but I don't get my time back. I feel I'm still owed something.

And now, THIS DATE IN CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER HISTORY
9/30/2002 - On our 14th Wedding Anniversary, it's Denise McIntee (nee Dooley).
This concludes another installment of THIS DATE IN CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER HISTORY

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
I'm sure he can't be giddier, from Kansas City, it's former Late Show intern Brian Hall. Go Chiefs! Go Royals!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

Bill O'Reilly
Cristin Milioti

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Tuesday, September 30
Alan Kalter reveals the Secret Word of the night!
Monday, September 29
Late Show costume designer Sue Hum takes a $200,000 trip around the world.
Saturday, September 27
The Pop-Tarts are ready!
Friday, September 26
The very funny Jerry Seinfeld stops by for standup and sit-down.
Wednesday, September 24
Kelly Ripa sends Dave's butt to the cloud.