CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Friday, January 16, 2015 Rupert's comedy gets a cold call.

Show #4147
Urban Meyer, Johnny Beehner, and Ella Henderson.  
PLUS: aerial coverage; the World Dog Awards; the Mormon National Anthem; the poisoning of John Boehner; a Top Ten List; and we say hello to Rupert Jee!!
 
“From room 815 at the Stadium Motor Lodge, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman.  Tonight: head coach of the champion Ohio State Buckeyes Urban Meyer, comedian Johnny Beehner, and music from Ella Henderson.  Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.   I’m Alan Kalter.  And now, the result of a fraternity stunt . . . . . . . . . .  David Letterman!
 
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-“The Academy Award nominations were announced yesterday.  Meryl Streep was nominated for Most Nominations.   Meryl Streep’s husband is getting a special Oscar for being dragged to Award shows.”
-“’Birdman’ is nominated.  It’s about an aging entertainer trying to stay relevant.  I wonder if I should sue.”
-“Justin Bieber and Keith Richards shared a drink at a bar in Turks and Caicos.   Bieber said to Keith, ‘Aren’t you the guy in Pirates of the Carribean?’  And Keith said to Bieber, ‘Aren’t you Rachel Maddow?’”
 
Huh?  During the monologue, we get an exterior overhead shot of Times Square/midtown Manhattan. 
ANNOUNCE: “Aerial coverage of tonight’s show provided by Packard Engineering, maker of amorphous metal slabs.  Packard Engineering: Amorphous Metal Slabs are our business; how you use them is your business.”
 
A program called ‘The World Dog Awards’ aired last night.  It’s an awards show just for dogs.  In case you missed it, here’s a clip.
ANNOUNCE: “Live from Los Angeles, it’s the World Dog Awards!   Let’s see what’s happening on the red carpet.”
We cut to a close-up of a hand scrubbing clean a red carpet.  Looks like somebody needed to go out for a walk.
ANNOUNCE: “More of the World Dog Awards after these messages.”
 
We’ve been showing the footage of Mitt Romney singing the Mormon National Anthem.  We finally got a translator to tell us what the words actually mean.   We take a look.  We see the Mitt Man singing, why the lyrics captioned.
“Hey, Catholic, Buddhist, Jew,
You can be a Mormon, too.
Pay a one-time entrance fee,
You’re all set for eternity.
 
I’m wealthy and I’m white.
If you’re not, it’s still all right.
Join our Mormon team
Be like Mitt and live the dream.”
 
A guy plotted to kill John Boehner by poisoning his red wine.   Wasting no time, the U.S. Department of Health released this message.  We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: “Poison is deadly and can act quickly.  Contact a poison control center immediately if you’re experiencing the following (with clips of Boehner accompanying the description): Discolored skin, heightened emotional sensitivity, severe irritability, and increased libido.
A message from the U.S. Department of Health . . . now serving potato salad.”
 
ACT 2:
TOP TEN: THINGS SAID DURING THE FIRST CONVERSATION – scientists believe the first verbal communications among humans took place between 1.8 and 2.5 million years ago.
10. “Sup, bro?”
9. “Cold enough for ya?”
8. “What was with the silent treatment?”
7. “I think you mean ‘whom’”
6. “You’re such a tool, whatever that is.”
5. “I miss not talking”
4. “Did you have to bring that up?”
3. “Excuse me, I should mingle”
2. “Hey, Regis!”
1. “Will you please shut up!”
 
URBAN MEYER
The head coach of the college football champion Ohio State Buckeyes.   Dave is curious about the recruiting-side of college coaching.   Coach Meyer says recruiting is such an important part of college football, and he’s eager to get right back out there.   With a national championship still being celebrated, this is a great time to use it to the Buckeye advantage.   Colleges are recruiting 16 and 17 year olds, usually still in their Junior year of high school and you meet some really great people, great kids, and great parents.   It must be great to sit back and rejoice in the championship . . . for a night.   The program at THE Ohio State has already been written for the offseason to keep focus of what lies ahead.  It’s about Refocus, Redirecting, and Recultivating.   Complacency is the enemy.
The Buckeyes won the championship with their 3rd string quarterback leading the way.   The first stringer was inured for the year way back in August.  The backup broke his ankle in the game against “the team up north.”   And what team is that?   Meyer: “The team up north.”   He won’t say the name; won’t name the school; won’t say the word.   It’s the Harbaugh team, Gerald Ford’s alma mater.   Ohio State won with their 3rd string quarterback, and they’re all coming back next year.   Three very capable quarterbacks at the same time.   New York Jets fans are thinking, “Let’s see, in our 50-year history . . . .  Namath . . . .”     The Jets are still waiting for their 2nd capable quarterback.
The 3rd stringer who led the team to the national championship, Cardale Jones, tweeted something earlier in the year that got him into some hot water.
“Why should we have to go to class here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL, classes are POINTLESS.”   Dave asks Coach Meyer about that.  Coach Meyer says that was the “old Cardale.”   Kids can do a lot of growing up in a year and Cardale now knows better.    I always wonder what I would have tweeted when I was 20 years old if the tweeter machine was around.   I certainly wouldn’t be able to run for office.  Heck, even working as a police officer may have been in jeopardy.
Coach Meyer is proud of his “Brotherhood of Trust” program that’s running at Ohio State.  It stresses the importance of leadership and being responsible with the decisions you make.   Early in the season, many teams will have a motivational speaker give a one-day seminar on what it takes to be a responsible citizen and a leader of men.  Ohio State makes it an all-year curriculum.   It teaches you how to deal with adversity, how to maximize your abilities, and how to face and welcome challenges.   Athletes spend hours, days, years, working their body to get them to a physical peak.   And then you’d ask how much of the game is mental.  They will all say the mental part of preparing for a performance is incredibly important.  And then you’d ask how much time does an athlete work on the mental part, the confidence part, the motivational part.   It’s usually way less than the importance requires.  And what you learn from these seminars and lectures and discipline will benefit the athlete just as much off the field as on the field.
The new college football playoff system brings in gobs and loads of money.   But still, the athletes get little.  Everyone around them is benefiting monetarily and yet they can’t get an advance to pay for a plane ticket home on a weekend.   Coach Meyer agrees that we are heading into new territory.  There’s too much money at stake; it’s a real game-changer.   Money and the college athlete is something that will be given a hard look in the coming years.
 
Congratulations to Coach Meyer and THE Ohio State Buckeyes.  
By the way, Coach, my nephew hates you but would love to have you back at Florida.   He’s a huge Gator fan.   He’ll even drive.
 
ACT 4:
Back from commercial, Dave says when he grows up, he wants to be Urban Meyer.
 
Hey, here’s something!  Let’s go over and say hello to Rupert!  We are going to play something called, “Rupert’s Comedy Special Of The Day.”
We find Rupert in the comforts of the Hello Deli.   We haven’t been here for quite some time.   Was it closed due to the health inspectors?  Rupert informs Dave that the deli has always been opened.  OK, what’s Rupert got for us tonight?
RUPERT: “Well, Dave, everyone’s excited about the two men who made the historic free climb of El Capitan’s Dawn Wall.  (meanwhile, Rupert’s cell phone has been ringing for 10 seconds.  He fights through it.) It’s a 3,000-foot vertical face. . . .”
Dave stops Rupert and makes him answer the phone.   Rupert picks up and says hello.   He then informs, “They hang up.”
Rupert continues.
RUPERT: “It’s a 3,000-foot vertical face . . .  this is one of the tallest vertical faces in the world  . . . after John Kerry.”   We see a photo of John Kerry’s face.
Rupert then provides his own wacky sound effects.  I guess somebody gave our SFX guy, Gary Kiffel, the day off.  I understand Gary is now calling his delegate.
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Tune in Monday as Dave welcomes Kathy Griffin, David Oyelowo, and Lera Lynn.   Hey, World Court in The Hague!  Would it kill you to put free wifi in the jury waiting room?”
 
ACT 6:
JOHNNY BEEHNER
The comedian from Milwaukee, Wisconsin is making the network television debut with us tonight.   His latest stand-up is now on the i-Tunes.
Johnny has been married for nearly 4 years but neither he nor his wife is ready for kids.  He adds, “Incidentally, we have a baby back home.  We’re just not ready for it.”
“Women have a high tolerance for pain.   But a surprisingly low threshold for slight inconvenience.”
Funny man.
We were taking bets backstage: Yes or no . .  did Johnny buy a new suit for his appearance on the Late Show.”
 
ACT 7:
ELLA HENDERSON
From her debut album, “Chapter One,” the English singer performed “Ghost.” 
 
And that was our show for Friday, January 16, 2015
 
 
The opening announce open:
“From room 815 at the Stadium Motor Lodge . .  . .”
The Stadium Motor Lodge is an actual hotel in the Bronx seen from Manhattan’s FDR/Harlem River Drive.  When I was just a kid, I would think the Yankees would stay there when they played at the Stadium, which was only about 10 blocks south from the Lodge.  I later found out I wasn’t the only one to think that.   Dave has reference the Stadium Motor Lodge a number of times over the years.  I suspect he would eyeball the run-down motel from the Harlem River Drive as he made his way from Connecticut to Late Night.   I always like when he mentions the Stadium Motor Lodge.
 
Oh, and if you’re watching Sunday’s Patriots/Colts pregame show, look for Dave’s inspirational message to his Indianapolis Colts. 
 
I like all 4 teams remaining in the NFL playoffs.   I can easily root for any one of them.   The best matchup would probably be Seattle Seahawks vs. the New England Patriots, but I’m pulling for the Packers to make the Super Bowl.   I still admire how their coach Mike McCarthy reacted in the incredibly poor call by the replacement refs some years back on the last play of the game against these very Seattle Seahawks.   I think I’m leaning towards a Packer/Patriot Super Bowl, but that can change.  I usually watch a few plays and when somebody on one of the teams acts like a real jerk, which never takes long, I tend to go with the other team.
And a Rodgers/Brady matchup would be a lot of fun.
 
Next week’s previously-viewed programs:
MONDAY: from 1/05/15 #4138 – Kathy Griffin, David Oyelowo, and Lera Lynn.
TUESDAY: from 1/07/15 #4140 – Julianne Moore, Marv Albert, and Catfish & The Bottlemen.  PLUS: a top ten from the 2015 Baseball Hall of Fame inductees.
WEDNESDAY: from 11/17/14 #4120 – Jason Sudeikis, Alison Janney, and Damien Rice.
THURSDAY: from 1/09/15 #4142 – Jeff Goldblum, Michael Somerville, and Nicole Atkins.
FRIDAY: from 10/14/14 #4102 – Michael Keaton, Foo Fighters with Ann and Nancy Wilson, and a Top Ten list with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo
 
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Ottawa, Ontario and NAV Canada, it’s Ron Singer
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike
 

Tonight's Guests

Louis CK
Nicolle Wallace
The Lone Bellow

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Friday, January 16
Rupert's comedy gets a cold call.
Thursday, January 15
Larry David finds himself in a big pickle.
Wednesday, January 14
Late Show Improv...go!
Tuesday, January 13
Mitt Romney is back(wards)!
Tuesday, January 13
UPS delivers a package to Dick Herniation.