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Saturday, April 18, 2015 John Mayer performs the classic, "American Pie."
Show #4191
Alec Baldwin, and John Mayer.  Plus: The ACM Country Music Awards; more trouble at the Capitol; Hillary's announcement; a Top Ten list; and a look at Paul Shaffer on the Late Show over the years.  
 
From an artificial coral reef made of decommissioned subway cars, it's the Late Show with David Letterman.  Tonight: Alec Baldwin, and music from John Mayer.    Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  I'm Alan Kalter.   And now, with a personality derived totally from caffeine . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!
 
 ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-          "Gisele Bundchen says she's retiring because her body told her to stop.  I'm retiring because everybody told me to stop."
-          "Southwest Airlines now has wider seats.  They come in three sizes: small, medium, and Kardashian"
-          "Hillary's traveling through Iowa on a listening tour, to listen to the Iowa constituents.   It's a listening tour because if you want her to speak it'll cost you $200,000."
-          "Hillary's in a van with a bumper sticker that reads, 'If the van's a rockin;, I'm deleting e-mails."
 
The Academy of Country Music Awards will be on CBS this Sunday.   We take a look at this promo.
ANNOUNCE: "Don't miss the Academy of Country Music Awards, honoring country music's most talented performers!   Who will take home the award for Entertainer of the Year?  Will it be: Garth Brooks?  Jason Aldean?   Cody McMurtry?  Cody Walker?  Cody Nicholson?  Cody Erickson?  Cody Mason?  Cody Davies?  Cody Anderton?  Cody Mullery?  Cody Sheringham?  Cody Mackay?   Cody Parker?  Cody Valen?  Cody Rodbell?  Cody Peters?  Cody Garcia?  Cody Russell?  The other Cody Garcia?  Cody Dawson?  DJ Cody?   Cody Jennings?  Cody Williams?   Or Cody Cody?  
Tune in this Sunday to find out!"
 
Another security breach in Washington .  . a gyrocopter landed on the lawn of the United States Capitol.   And it keeps on getting worse.  Did you see what happened today?  We take a look at some C-SPAN footage.  Some politician with a great pension and medical plan is speaking in the Chamber.  As he speaks, we see a helicopter drift across . . . . INSIDE THE CAPITOL BUILDING!  And then a guy in a jetpack, and a blimp, and other flying machines.
 
Hillary Clinton made her long-awaited announcement earlier this week to run for President.  You've probably seen her website announcement, and this part was a bit of a surprise.   We take a look at the announcement.
PERSON 1: "I'm getting ready for a lot of things.
PERSON 2: "It's Spring, so we're getting to get the gardens ready."
PERSON 3: "I'm getting ready to retire soon."
HILLARY: "I'm getting ready to do something, too.   I'm joining Scientology.   Learn how to unlock your inner power at Scientology.org."
 
ACT 2:
TOP TEN: OTHER COURSES OFFERED BY THE VATICAN
My info blue card: "A week-long Exorcism course was held this week at the Vatican to teach student how to recognize and fight demon possession."
Dave takes that and shares that in order to fight it, you must first recognize it.  It's what the Foo Fighters are doing.  First they work to recognize Foo, then they can go out and fight it.  All this talk about fighting demon possession made Dave almost forget to open the thing.  
 
TOP TEN OTHER COURSE OFFERED BY THE VATICAN
10. Introduction To Wafer Insertion
9. Phonics for Eunuchs
8. How to Tell Nuns  Apart
7. Resurrecting Pets
6. Fully-Clothed Anatomy
5. A-men vs. Ah-men.
4. Remedial Infallibility
3. Kung Fu.
2. Paleontology: Debunked
1. No-Sex Education
 
Every Friday for the duration of the show, we're going to take a look at highlights featuring various folks who work here.  First up is Paul Shaffer.   We take a look at some Paul Fun over the years.   I hadn't seen this until it was on the show.   Two shots I was hoping for:
1.      Paul loses control of a pancake which Dave avoids by doing a split onto the kitchen counter.  DING!
2.      The exploding peanut butter.
I've been printing out lists for weeks now that I thought would come in handy down the homestretch.  The Paul Shaffer list went on for pages.   I'll have to find out how much they went by my list to put the Paul Shaffer montage together.   Oh, and I got lots more lists.  Lots more.  
 
ACT 3:
ALEC BALDWIN
The two-time is here at the Late Show for the . . . . 47th time?   It's the number I came up with in my half-hearted effort.  And he's got a Podcast he's very proud of.  I'm looking forward to my daughters to come home from college so they can tell me all about Podcasts.  I know it has something to do with computers.
Alec is the dad to 19-month old Carmen.   And he and wife Hilaria are expecting a boy in just a few months.    Alec will be the dad of his boy at the same age as Dave when he daddy'd Harry.   Alec says he was looking forward to the easy life, but now that he'll soon have two kids under two, he thinks he'll be working well into his 70s.  And nothing is off the table.  He'll take any work, even pitching the host job on "Family Feud."   Heh heh heh, Alec on a game show with the word "feud" in it.  Yeah, that'll fit.   And that brings Dave to wonder why does it seem Alec is always getting himself involved with a feud.  The other day Alec was trying to make his way across town and he ran into a protest.   There was a demonstration to have the minimum wage raised to $15.  Traffic was stopped and jammed and rammed.  Nothing was moving.  This, naturally, annoyed Alec.  I've said it many times before, you can do anything you want in this city . . . . just don't get in the way of pedestrian or vehicular traffic.   Everyone has someplace to go, so don't get in the way.  Finding himself in the middle of the demonstration, Alec soon had a microphone shoved in his face.  Alec voiced his displeasure and his wonder why a group looking for support for their cause would go out of their way to get in the way?  Why protest in the middle of Manhattan down Broadway during rush hour?  This was immediately met with boos and hisses from the protesting crowd.   Alec is learning because he reacted to their angry response by running away and hiding in his home.  And now it looks like he's against the minimum wage being raised.  HE' S NOT AGAINST IT!   He just doesn't like it when people get in his way.  And if that's not the perfect description of a New Yorker, I don't know what is.
 
During the commercial break, a staffer told Dave to ask Alec to do his Tony Bennett impersonation.  Alec tells the story of how he first came to do his Tony Bennett.   He was in the writers room at Saturday Night Live.   To keep the writers going and going . . . and going, Lorne Michael would landslide the room with food and food and more food.  They would throw ideas back and forth hoping for something.   Something came on the TV about Tony Bennett.   Alec commented at how relaxed he always seemed, how nothing fazed him, how he made showbiz seem cool and fun and jazzy.  He gave an example of how Tony Bennett would react to something, and DING!  An idea was born.  Alec would be Tony Bennett and the pens began scribbling on the page.
 
Alec has gifts for Dave.   He has a bag of alarm clocks.  There's a bevy of alarm clocks because Dave won't need them anymore.  Anytime one goes off, Dave can freely chuck it against the wall.  Dave takes the opportunity to throw one into the Hudson River behind him.  Alec also bought Dave a loofa sponge, now that Dave has time to linger in the shower.   Alec has high praise for the loofa and recommends it to anyone who has linger-time.
 
And that is Alec Baldwin. Will we see him again here at the Late Show?  He's not scheduled, but there's a lot planned that I don't know about.
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Dave's back Monday with John Travolta, Amy Schumer, and The Waterboys.   You win, haters!   Because of your hurtful YouTube comments, I'm removing my napkin folding videos."
 
ACT 7:
JOHN MAYER
By special request, Mr. John Mayer agreed to take on the beast.   The 7-time Grammy Award winning singer-songwriter performed the Don McLean iconic "American Pie."
 
John will be at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this weekend to induct the late Stevie Ray Vaughan.
 
And that was ours show for Friday April 17, 2015. 
 
Both Thursday and Friday I went out into the audience to watch our music guests.  And I was out for "Asleep At The Wheel" on Monday.  I think I'll be doing that a lot more as we near the . . .  . end.
 
We taped something early in the week.  I played a TSA agent.  Stage Manager Eddie Valk played a guy getting patted down by the TSA agent.  Boy, if we don't get on, it really wasn't worth it what we were asked to do.    It was an "above and beyond" ordeal.
 
It's crossed my mind from time to time to perhaps, maybe, how about someday getting solar panels and putting them on the roof of the house.    So what's stopping me?   "Wall Street."   The movie "Wall Street" is stopping me.   Remember when Michael Douglas was walking along the beach talking on his cell phone?  Well, his cell phone was the size of the army walkie-talkie Sergeant Saunders would use on TV's "Combat."   It was huge.  In time, the cellphone got smaller, cheaper, better.  And that's why I wait.  I don't want Sergeant Saunders walkie-talkie on my roof in ten years when everyone else has the iWatch.
 
Saw this headline in the Washington Post.: Almost half of the world actually prefers instant coffee.  See that?  I'm right!   Instant is it!   
 
By the way, if you have to add cream and sugar, then you really don't like coffee.  
 
Baseball television directors . . .  it's early in the season.  When a rookie hits his first home run of his career, can you show us HIM!   I'm watching the Yankees season-opening series and a kid on the Blue Jays . . . . a kid born in the '90s, good grief . . .  a kid hits his first home run of his career.    It's a thrill for every guy who ever dreamed of playing major league baseball.  And the director shows us a chubby, beer-swilling guy lunging for the ball . . . then the pitcher who has been doing this for 10 years, then the Blue Jays dugout.   Meanwhile, we're missing someone's "dream come true" down on the field.    I sometimes wonder if some of these guys calling the shots in the production trailer ever played the game.
 
Another happenstance that makes me realize we are getting near the end.  I make labels for each show.  I've been doing it since 1995.   I remember trying to learn and figure out how to do it way back then.   I was new to the computer world and having a printer and font and sizing and spacing and stuff.    I finally figured it out, but it took days and days.   I've been printing up labels ever since.  It's something I probably should have passed on to someone else by now but I always figure it's easier to just keep doing what I'm doing than to ask someone else to do it.    I print up a batch of labels whenever we come back from vacation, making enough ahead of time to go right up to the next scheduled vacation.   I did this on Monday.   And I realized that's the last time I would be doing that.  No more labels.
 
And I've noticed that after the shows now, people tend to linger just a little bit longer on stage.   There are more friends and family in the audience who want to have a photo taken at the desk.  No one seems to be in a rush to leave . . . except for the stagehands who want all of us off the stage so then can close up for the night.
 
I'm cleaning out my Late Show garage . . . .
Dave lines through the years:
"Feels like I got hit on the head with a mallet" - 11/29/04  #2280
"When I first came to TV, you had to wear a hat" - 12/01/04 #2282
"If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality" - 12/03/04 #2284
"TV has ruined the world, but I made a comfortable living" - ACT 3 - 12/16/04 #2288
"Other than the hallucinations, there's nothing good about the flu" 1/14/05 #2303
"If you can fold a sweater, you may be a homosexual" - 2/04/05 #2312
"You help people . . .  symbolically" - to Dr. Phil - 2/14/05 #2318
 
SOMETHING NEW!
ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?
From Newark, Delaware, Lee Breslouer.  Is Lee Breslouer still reading the Wahoo Gazette?
This concludes another installment of ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?
 
I started this a couple weeks ago, this "ARE THEY STILL READING THE WAHOO GAZETTE?" thing.  
I'm getting the feeling the answer is "NO"
 
CAMEO MENTION OF AN AFL NEWSGROUP ORIGINAL
Mark Leckner
This concludes the debut of a Cameo Mention of an AFL Original.
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Ventnor, New Jersey, it's Peter Mokover
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Paul Rudd
Piedmont Bird Callers
Chaka Khan

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, April 18
John Mayer performs the classic, "American Pie."
Thursday, April 16
Vote for Sue Hum's tortilla pantsuit in 2016!
Wednesday, April 15
2 bunnies encounter one angry accountant at H&R Block.
Tuesday, April 14
Cue card guy Todd is ready for the Olympics
Monday, April 13
C-3PO and R2D2 don't hold back during the Star Wars Top Ten.