CBS

Show #3746
Bill O’Reilly, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, and The Lumineers.
PLUS: a look at Jim Leyland; the World Series; Trump’s bombshell announcement; the third party candidates; Dave’s sons, and a Top Ten list.

“ . . . and now, an unimpeachable source . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-“Lindsay Lohan says she’s voting for Romney. Romney is thrilled. He hopes this will get him the shoplifting vote.”

The World Series starts tonight between the San Francisco Giants and the Detroit Tigers. Have you seen the Tigers manager, Jim Leyland? He looks like a guy who pumps gas while smoking a cigarette.
Dave reenacts an imagined scene of Manager Leyland puffing a butt while pumping. I’ll log this under “Odd Dave” for future use.

The Series will be carried by Fox and they are naturally very excited about it. Did you see the promo they’re running? If not, we have it here.
ANNOUNCE: "The 108th World Series between the Detroit Tigers and the San Francisco Giants kicks off on Fox with Triple Crown winner Miguel Cabrera, slugger Prince Fielder and ace Justin Verlander. Facing off against him: This guy (Hunter Pence), the Big Guy (Pablo Sandoval), Marco Something (Marco Scutaro), The Guy with the Beard (Sergio Romo) . . . and is Gaylord Perry still on the team? (Gaylord Perry from the 60s/70s). Followed by Ernie Anastos with news."
Clip of Big Ern saying, "Keep ‘givl’ing that chicken."
ANNOUNCE: "Only on Fox."

Mr. Donald Trump is on the show Thursday night. And today he promised to make a bombshell announcement. We take a look at what the bombshell announcement was.
ART CARD: "Donald Trump's Announcement That Will Change the Election"
We see Mr. Donald at his desk in his office. We got this from his website.
TRUMP: "Somebody just asked whether they can get a free membership for my Trump International Golf Links in Scotland, and the answer is you don't need it because it's a public course. You go to the course and you sign up. Probably you should call in, because it's pretty well-booked, and see if you can make a reservation."
ART CARD: "Donald Trump's Announcement That Will Change the Election"

Romney! Obama! They’re the only ones running for President, right? Oh, no, siree! There’s more. And we take a look.
ART CARD: "Get to Know Your Third Party Candidates"
ANNOUNCE: "Someone named Rocky,"
We see Rocky Anderson, Mayor of Salt Lake City speeching.
ANNOUNCE: "The close-microphone talker,"
We see Jill Stein of the Green Party speaking too close to the microphone.
ANNOUNCE: "The crazy-voiced guy,"
We see Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode in his Southern drawl:
ANNOUNCE: “And the pothead."
We see New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson: “Legalize marijuana now!”
ANNOUNCE: "The Late Show hopes you'll make one of these people the leader of the free world. This has been 'Get to Know Your Third Party Candidates.' "

Huh? What was that! We hear a balloon popping. Yes, it was a balloon, but did we have a balloon scheduled for the show tonight? I don’t remember any balloons during rehearsal. I quickly went through my script and found it was something for later in the show. We didn’t rehearse the balloon portion, but simply said, “And then the balloons will fall.”
I make a note: Don’t have any balloons on the show when we book a Presidential candidate.

How about another Donald Trump Announcement That Will Change the Election. ART CARD: Donald Trump’s Announcement That Will Change the Election DONALD: (again at his desk in his office): "Palm Beach International Airport: It's a total joke!"
ART CARD: Donald Trump’s Announcement That Will Change the Election

ACT 2:
Dave has been watching the debates and although they got progressively boring, there was something he did enjoy. At the end of each debate, the family of the candidates would come on stage and hug their paternal head. Dave would like to do that here tonight. Dave introduces his five sons; Borg, Mott, Blip, Plonk and Glub. They are dressed all Utah-like in tan khakis pants and a light blue, long-sleeved, buttoned shirt. Yes, Dave is a proud dad. The sons . . . I’m not sure how proud.

TOP TEN: LAME OCTOBER SURPRISES – Donald Trump came out with an October Surprise today in hopes of influencing the election. And not to be outdone, so did Gloria Allred. Neither was all that surprising or influential. We have a list of other not so exciting October Surprises.
8. John McCain accused of driving under the influence of soup
7. George McGovern’s allegation that Richard Nixon tapes songs off the radio.
5. Democrats’ claim Eisenhower wanted slogan, “I Lick Ike.”

And my submissions that were not chosen. In my defense, I got them in late. Mine were sort of like the taxi squad, there just in case one on the starting team couldn’t make it.
-Jimmy Carter is allergic to peanuts
-Washington’s teeth were actually made of cheap paneling.
-Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign also applied to the Reagan bedroom.
-The younger Adams’ middle name revealed to be Quincy
-Discovered that Howard Taft was the brother of Fatty Arbuckle.

ACT 3:
BILL O’REILLY
His “O’Reilly Factor” has been the #1 cable news program for 12 consecutive years. And he’s a bestselling author. His new book, “Killing Kennedy,” is currently at the top of the New York Times Bestseller List. His “Killing Lincoln” is at #5 after 55 weeks and his Lincoln book for kids was also on the Times bestseller list. And I write the Wahoo Gazette. Hmm, maybe I’ll jump on board and try “Killing McKinley.”
Dave was very disappointed in the last debate. Too much yakking about the same old nonsense. It’s left him exhausted and bereft. How can we make these debates better? Bill says the moderator let the candidates off too easy. The candidates go off in every direction except in the direction of answering the question.
This is the way I picture the working of a politician’s mind. They are in a debate. Inside their head, they have ten wheels turning each with a topic he’s practiced over and over. When a question is asked, the politician will start to respond in generalities while looking to jump on one of those spinning wheels inside his head. Eventually the non-answer will find its way onto a wheel and the politician will then blurt the practiced narrative he wants to get out, whether it deals with the question or not. It’s sort of how Dave would answer letters in the CBS Mailbag.
Example: “Dave, what is your favorite color?”
DAVE: “There are a lot of colors. And do you know what else there is a lot of? Reality shows. Take a look.”

Dave isn’t sure how he should handle Donald Trump tomorrow. When the Trump questioned Obama’s intelligence and wondered how he got into Columbia, Dave felt that bordered on racism. Since then, Dave has cut the Donald some slack, perhaps it was something Dave misconstrued, and decided Donald didn’t mean to make it sound racist. And then today, BANG! The Donald repeats the same thing he said a year ago. Bill gives Dave some pointers on how to approach the subject. Dave should be polite, ask Donald why he is so obsessed with this, and why he feels it is so important. What he should be concerned with is which candidate will best be able to turn the economy around.
What would Bill like so see from the candidates? He sighs and says, “Romney and Obama . . . . why can’t they just act like men? Man up! Answer the questions! That’s what Millard Fillmore did!”
I always like a good Millard Fillmore joke. Nice play, Mr. O’Reilly.

Bill O’Reilly – see him on The O’Reilly Factor on the FoxNews at 8:00 PM and look for his books at a bookstore near you.

I wish Dave asked the Long Islander what he thought about the New York Islanders moving to Brooklyn.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Listen up: tomorrow Dave’s got Donald Trump, Adam Levine, and Carly Rae Jepsen. Fire drill! Please exit your home in an orderly fashion and wait outside for further instructions.”

ACT 6:
NICOLE ‘SNOOKI’ POLIZZI
She’s the star of the MTV reality show, “Jersey Shore,” now in its 6th and final season. Wow! Six years of “Jersey Shore.” Snooki says it wasn’t 6 years, but 6 seasons. What’s the difference? She explains that 6 TV seasons can be done in 3 years. That’s true in today’s TV. When I was growing up, a TV season would consist of 30+ episodes; now it’s like, what, 7 episodes? How many shows has Snooki done with “Jersey Shore”? She isn’t quite sure what Dave means. A producer finally shouts out, “63!” Or something like that. It’s in the 60s.

Nicole is a new mom, momming a baby boy on August 26th. How has it changed her life? Well, Snooki now says it’s no more, “Where is the next party?” but it’s all about her boy Lorenzo. She likes hanging with baby and family During the segment, Nicole asks Dave about the way he pronounces Snooki. Dave calls her “Snew-kee”, like Mookie Wilson. She says it’s more like Snooki, like bookie.
I call her adorable!
“Jersey Shore” – on the MTV, Thursday nights at 10:00 PM.

ACT 7:
THE LUMINEERS: From their debut album, “The Lumineers,” The Lumineers performed a very enjoyable “Ho Hey.” I’ll be giving this new band another listen.

And that was our show for Wednesday, October 24, 2012.

Trump and his bombshell announcements remind me a lot of Geraldo with Al Capone’s safe.

Let me guess: there had to be a headline in a San Francisco newspaper today: “Panda-monium!” In fact, that’s too easy to even take credit for.

I’m no dietician but if you’re looking to lose weight here’s my suggestion: Take the light bulb out of your refrigerator. Food doesn’t look as appetizing in the dark. Instead of opening the fridge door and being excited, you’re disappointed. And it now takes more of an effort to find something to eat.

Hey, it’s gone viral! Wahoo reader Cheryl Levenbrown attended the Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade the other day and took a video of her dog or a dog of a friend. The YouTube footage is approaching a million look-sees. It was even featured on the “Today” show with scripted spontaneous quips from Al Roker. Check it out!
http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/49517928

Oh, and yesterday I mentioned my admiration for San Francisco Giants 2nd baseman Marco Scutaro. I first became aware of him buried in the New York Mets minor league system and then later featured in a documentary about trying to make it to the Bigs.
From Wahoo reader Dan Page:
“The documentary with Marco Scutaro is ‘A Player to be Named Later.’ He's had a long struggle and it was enjoyable to see him get the NLCS MVP.”
Thanks, Dan. I recommend “A Player To Be Named Later” for all baseball enthusiasts and even to those not so enthused with the sport. The difference between Triple A ball and Major League baseball is monumental . . . just for the stories alone.

The New York Giants beat the Washington Redskins last Sunday in a game the ‘Skins probably should have won. It’s been a rough couple of decades for the Redskin fans. It reminds me of the 70s and a Giants game against the Washington Redskins. The lowly Giants somehow took the lead from the powerful Washington Redskins with a minute left in the game to go up by a point or two. And then the Giants decided to go with a squib kick. They didn’t want to kick it deep in fear of a big run back. They squibbed it on purpose while up by less than three. Of course, the Redskins marched right down the field and Mark Moseley kicked the game winner. It was my worst defeat as a Giant fan. When the Giants won the Super Bowl in 1986, it was THAT game I immediately went back to. THAT game made winning the Super Bowl all the sweeter. And I think Redskins fans, when they eventually win a Super Bowl with Robert Griffin III as quarterback, will think back to last Sunday’s loss against the Giants.

With great sadness, goodbye Bob Scheibling. His positive negativity was always hilarious fun. A great dad, a great friend to many.
Or maybe it was his negative positivity.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s his 49th birthday this week, from Cornwall, New York, hello to Michael Mulligan
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike