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Thursday, December 6, 2012 Bill Murray plants one on Dave under the mistletoe.
Show #3769
Bill Murray and Vintage Trouble.
PLUS: A Sanitary Santa; Holiday Crap for Dave; Car-Driving Dogs; Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells; a Top Ten list; Is This Anything; and Dave Stumps for a People's Choice Award.

" . . . and now, with soothing eucalyptus vapors . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Hugh Hefner, 86, is marrying Crystal Harris, 26. It's a May-December wedding, though he may not make it through December."

If you've got young children, here's a commercial for a product that will give you peace of mind this holiday season.
ANNOUNCE: (footage of kids sitting on Santa's lap) "The average mall Santa has over 100 filthy, possibly sick kids on his lap each day. Do you want your child on that germy, disease-transmitting lap? Not without Sanitary Santa Lap Liners! It's the safe way to visit Santa! Also, try our fake beard deodorant. Available at Caldor's."

You laugh, but you know Sanitary Santa Lap Liners are coming. Heavens if we ever allow our dainty fragile child to be in the same room as a germ.

Hey, what's this? Dave is interrupted by a Late Show staffer. The staffer is carrying a clipboard.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Mike. Look. It's staffer Mike McIntee. Hi, Mike. How's it goin'?"
MIKE: "Hi, Dave, it's me, Mike."
DAVE: "Yeah, I know, I just said that. What do you have there?"
MIKE: "Oh, I'm selling some holiday crap for my kids' school. Their class is taking a week-long trip to Yonkers."
DAVE: "A week-long trip? That sounds . . . . pretty good. I'd love to help, but we're in the middle of a show right now. Maybe we can talk about this later."
MIKE: (excitedly, to the audience) "Did you hear that, everyone? Dave said to put him down for $1,000!" (touches Dave) "You're my hero, David Letterman!"
Dave is a bit confused.
Before exiting, Mike bellows to the audience: "Come on. Come on, idiots! Give him an ovation!"
Mike exits, happy to have finagled a grand out of the host. But it's going to a good cause . . . my kids!

Yesterday, Dave talked about an animal trainer in New Zealand who is teaching rescue dogs how to drive a car. It may seem like a good idea, but one concerned organization has released this response.
ANNOUNCE: (we see footage of the car-driving dogs) "With the number of dog motorists at an all-time high, it's important to remember the impact of carbon emissions on our environment. If you're a busy dog on-the-go, consider a more eco-friendly means of transportation . . ."
We see clips of dogs on the go by means other than a car.
ANNOUNCE: " . . . such as traveling by bicycle (dog on bike) , turtle (dog on turtle) or robotic vacuum cleaner (dog on a roomba).
A message from the National Message Council."

Here's something that we'll likely beat to hell. It's something we call, "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells"
ART CARD: "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells"
We hear sleigh bells.
ANNOUNCE: "Panda colonoscopy."
We see a panda undergoing a colonoscopy, accompanied by sleigh bells.
ANNOUNCE: "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells
ART CARD: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"

ACT 2:
More congratulations to Dave, he's been nominated once again for a People's Choice Award. He tried to stump for the Award last year but by the time he found out, the voting period was over. This year he was ready for it. He's got his begging and pandering pants on. This year's nominees for Late Night Talk Show Hosts are Chelsea Handler, Conan O'Brien, last year's winner Jimmy Fallon, and Jimmy Kimmel. Dave wants to win this year for two reasons.
1. He gets a free trip to California to pick up the award. He'd like to take Harry along
2. He likes to win things. Following last weekend's Kennedy Center Honor, he's learned he really likes to win things. Voting runs through December 13th. Vote now at www.peopleschoice.com

TOP TEN: OTHER PROCEDURES PERFORMED BY THE MUSTACHE IMPLANT DOCTOR
Turkish plastic surgeon, Dr. Tulunay, performs 60 mustache implants a month. Facial hair is a sign of masculinity and social status in the Middle East for both men and women.
OTHER PROCEDURES PERFORMED BY THE MUSTACHE IMPLANT DOCTOR
5. Addition of medium intestine (to go along with the small and large)
2. Colon re-spooling (I liked this simply because of the accompanying sausage-twirling clip)

ACT 3:
BILL MURRAY
We see Bill being "escorted" from a black van out on 53rd Street. He is cuffed and manhandled by some burly goons. He resists and then is tasered. He is shoved into the Ed Sullivan Theater and left on the floor. The door closes behind him. We cut to a shot of the guest entrance. Bill, disheveled and distraught, stumbles onto the stage. We never quite learn what it was all about but he hints he got into a non-cab for a ride and talked about a pipeline or something. Apparently his opinion didn't match the driver's. It seems Bill knows as much about what happened to him as we do.
Stories have been heard of Bill showing up unexpectedly here and there inviting himself in to place much to the surprise of the hosts. He recently jumped into a kickball game out on Roosevelt Island in New York City. Roosevelt Island is an isolated section of the city off Manhattan which you can enter via the Roosevelt Island Tram. You've seen the tram in the Spider-Man movie, the first one, I think. He was driving on Roosevelt Island, saw a kickball game, and crashed it uninvited. And it gave 20 people a story for life.
Bill is in the new film, "Hyde Park on Hudson" about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. And, yes, Bill plays FDR! Bill was surprised that he was asked to play the part, figuring the producer to be quite desperate. What did Bill know about our 32nd President? (I recently figured out a way to remember FDR was our 32nd President . . . he was first elected in 1932!) Bill hesitates and says, "I knew he was on the dime . . . he was elected 4 times . . . . and he had polio." And that's what most of America knows about FDR, too.
Bill is from Chicago but loves Christmas in New York. He particularly loves the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. So much so, that he re-enacts it tonight. Bill presents a tray of hot cocoa to share with Dave. The two each put on a Santa hat and they watch a clip of the tree lighting. Bill holds up some mistletoe over an unsuspecting Dave and plants a kiss on him. Ahhh. We later learn that Bill was inducted into some minor league baseball Hall of Fame. He repeats a story he told at the induction ceremony. As a young boy, Bill attended his first baseball game at Wrigley Field to watch his beloved Cubs. Just before walking the ramp through the tunnel to get to their seat, his brother Brian covered Bill's eyes. They walked through the tunnel to the field. Bill then opened his eyes to see the most beautiful garden in all the world, Wrigley Field. Before this, he only saw the field in black and white television. It's a sight he will never forget.
"Hyde Park on Hudson" - starring Bill Murray as FDR. It opens in select safe theaters on, coincidentally, December 7th.

ACT 5
ANNOUNCE: "Catch tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave's guests Dustin Hoffman, and One Direction. Stay with us for holiday gifts you can pick up cheaply at police auctions."

ACT 6:
IS THIS ANYTHING?
You know how we play. Behind the city scape on stage will be a performance of some kind. Dave and Paul will then discuss if the performance is anything, or nothing. And tonight we have a celebrity judge. It's Late Show costume designer Sue Hum. Sue enters by the spiral staircase. It's time to play. The scrim rises and we see a woman sitting on the floor juggling and bouncing balls. Is this anything?
Paul gives it a thumbs down. There was potential, but he would have preferred if she performed her juggling act from a standing position. We didn't quite get the bang for our buck desired. Sue Hum? "I agree with Paul." Dave looks over at Sue, "Is that it?" Dave was hoping for more from Sue. I'll have to talk to Sue later. When in that position, you need to say at least 5 lines. More than 5 lines makes you more money.
Dave, on the other hand, was impressed with the dexterity and yoga-like position while juggling. He thought it was something. I side with Dave. And that's how we play "Is This Anything?"

ACT 7:
VINTAGE TROUBLE: From their debut album, "The Bomb Shelter Sessions," Vintage Trouble performed a rousing "Blues Hand Me Down." Very lively, very James Brown-esque," very energetic. Dave calls for an encore as he says good night. We finish with more from Ty Taylor and Vintage Trouble. Great stuff!

And that was our show for Thursday December 6, 2012.

Yes, that was me hawking holiday crap to Dave at the top of the show. I was told it would be me in the morning. My initial reaction is always the same, "Oh, damn!" But you have to do it for the good of the team. I quickly read my lines and print them out on a separate piece of paper. I clip hang it by my computer and look at it all day whenever I have a free second. I also clip it to my notebook to peruse for whenever I am away from my desk. There will be cue cards on stage but I want to know the lines inside and out.
I go through a checklist of my lines to prepare something in case Dave goes off script to ask for additional information of what I just said. He likes to challenge us now and then and I want to be prepared.
MIKE: "I'm selling holiday crap for my kids' school"
If Dave asked their age, I would say, "17 . . . . I know, right?" Most on the staff are stunned when they learn my girls are 17. I also was prepared if Dave asked what school they are attending or what kind of "holiday crap" they were selling.
MIKE: "Their class is taking a one-week trip to Yonkers."
Yonkers is a city in Westchester just north of the Bronx. What's in Yonkers? I had planned, "Well, there's the Racetrack" (Yonkers Raceway) and if I felt more was necessary I would add ". . and I think they'll tour Nepperhan Avenue." Nepperhan Avenue is a main thoroughfare that goes through Yonkers. The reference would have worked for Dave, I think, because it is sometimes mentioned in the morning traffic reports. I was lucky in that I was familiar with Yonkers because I spent the first 14 months of my life there. Whenever my parents talk of Yonkers, Nepperhan Avenue is sure to come up. That, and the carpet factory. I would have liked to have squeezed in a line about the old carpet factory. Dave wouldn't have known the reference, but a lot of native Yonkites would have howled.
After I announced that Dave agreed to "put him down for a thousand dollars," the audience applauded. This threw me for a second because my next line was, "C'mon, idiots! Give him an ovation!" But they were already ovating! I went with it anyway, not wanting to over think it.
And that's how this actor prepared. Not quite Stanislavski, but I think it was adequate for tonight.

Bill's story about going to Wrigley Field for the very first time is the same for any baseball fan of his generation. You never forget seeing the brilliant green of the field for the first time. It stays with you forever. You only knew baseball from your black and white television. Seeing it live is an emotional moment that stays with you forever, making you a fan forever. And that saddens me a bit for kids born the past few decades. They grew up knowing nothing but color TV. I doubt they have the same awe-filled moment of seeing the field of their dreams for the first time. I still clearly remember it nearly 50 years later.
And sort of on the same subject, I have to remind myself many times that Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig played in color, not in black and white. When you went to Yankee Stadium, they were in living color.

Hang a flag, light a candle, spend a moment to reflect . . . . Friday is the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Richmond, Virginia, it's singer-songwriter Susan Greenbaum
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Medal of Honor Recipient, Staff Sgt. Ryan Pitts
Michael Sommerville
Sharon Van Etten

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