Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, April 22, 2013 America, here is your Stooge of the Night!
Show #3835
Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Lochte, and Steve Earle and The Dukes.
PLUS: the new Republicans, Welcome Aboard, AJ; Stooge of the Night; Small Town News; a Top Ten list; and a new show open!

" . . . and now, snooty maître d' . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Hey! A new open!

-"Everyone got into the Earth Day spirit today. Charlie Sheen picked up some trash . . . I believe her name was Rhonda."

The Republican National Committee put together a list of more than 200 ways they can improve their image and their brand. It inspired this segment entitled, "Republican Rebranding Recommendations." We watch.
Announce: "Number 122 - Tranquilize that thing on Rand Paul's head." We see that thing on Rand Paul's head rear up on its haunches and growls an angry growl.

Do haunches always come in pairs? Do they ever come just as one haunch?

It's time for a new segment, "Welcome Aboard, A.J."
A Bismarck, North Dakota anchorman made his debut Sunday night on KYFR-TV. It's the break he's been waiting for forever. It's the start of a great future. We see the opening tease to the news and before we even see the newbie, A.J. Clemente, we hear him mutter, " . . . givling djoy . . . " ART CARD: "Welcome aboard, A.J."
(to decipher ‘givling djoy' simply look to the left of each letter in ‘givl' and ‘djoy' on your keyboard.

ACT 2:
Paul was in Los Angeles over the break working as the musical director for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. This year's inductees include Randy Newman, Rush, Heart, Public Enemy, Donna Summer, Albert King, Lou Adler, and Quincy Jones. Dave has soured on the R&R HofF for their omission of Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra as inductees. Has anyone given more to Rock and Roll these past 30 years than Mr. Shaffer? And while we're on the subject, why isn't Warren Zevon in? C'mon, Warren Zevon!
Zevon's like Gil Hodges!
And here's another act that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has rejected. We take a look at Chiru, performing Indian Thriller.

Hey, Alan, what time is it?
Alan: "Well, Dave, it's time for ‘Stooge of the Night!' Tonight's Stooge is Senator James Inhofe, Republican from Oklahoma!" Senator James Inhofe voted against an increase in background checks before the purchase of a gun. We take a long look at Senator James Inhofe. I wonder if we'll have 39 more of these.

-‘The La Junta Tribune', LaJunta, Colorado - "Stolen car returned with engine problems"
-‘Daily Herald', Arlington Heights, Illinois - "Arlene Mulder is retiring after 20 decades leading Arlington Heights."
-‘Highlands Today', Sebring, Florida - "Dog shoots Frostproof man accidentally." (well, at least it was an accident)
-‘USA Today' – now that's a small town newspaper! - from Tyson's Corner, Virginia: "Merle Becker, owner of ‘Aikane Plantation Coffee' with her husband, Phil, still tends trees planted by her great-grandfather in 1894." Apparently, Merle's married to a donkey.
-‘Observer-Reporter', Washington, Pennsylvania - "Corey & Justin in 'A One Man Show'" I guess they each give 50%
-‘The Los Angeles Times' – Los Angeles . . . another tiny town - "Mother's Day Extravaganza! Get Mom a termite treatment."
-‘Oakland Press', Pontiac, Michigan: advertisement for a hardware store ad:
"Great Big Hooker $14.99" and a "Crack Hoe $14.99" – say what you want, but it's a darn good price.

ACT 3:

A.J. Clemente made his debut last night. He was fired this morning . . . . ‘givling djoy.'
8. Weatherman tells you to expect an 80% chance of unemployment.
3. Received a congratulatory phone call from Sue Simmons. – we see Dave's favorite clip of local newscaster Sue Simmons bellowing, "What the ‘givl' are you doing?"
1. Aspired to be the next Ernie Anastos – we see the clip of local newsman Ernie Anastos advising all to keep ‘givling' that chicken.

It's been 5 years since he's been here last. Why so long? Matthew mutters something about not know why, adding a ‘givling djoy' for good measure. Matthew's a dad to three kids. Having the third increases the workload exponentially. It's not just a little more work, it's a whole lot more work. It's what Mike Myers once said, or maybe it was Dana Carvey, you spend your whole waking hours saving their life. You keep them from falling down the steps or running out into the road or jumping off the table or running with scissors. You are constantly running around saving them from certain harm. We take a look at a photo of Matthew weighing 135 pounds. He lost a whole buncha weight for a film. His high was 204 but usually hovers around 170. For the film he wanted to get to 145 but the momentum took him down to 135. He says at that weight he found his senses to be so much sharper, so much more mentally aware, keen observation, and could get by with 3 hours less sleep a night. I guess that sort of explains today's America. I imagine obesity has the opposite effect. Dull, dim, and sleepy.
Matthew's new film, "Mud," opens nationwide this Friday. He plays a fugitive on the run who is befriended by two young teens.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It's a must wee Late Show tomorrow as Dave welcomes Steve Martin, Jenna Fischer, and a musical performance by Steve Martin and Edie Brickell, so be sure to tune in and . . . . . ." A feather then descends from above. Alan softly swats at it, mesmerized, forgetting what he is here for.

ACT 6:

He's an 11-time Olympic medalist in swimming, 5 of them Gold. Dave goes over the events in which he's earned the medals. But that's not why he's here. Ryan is the host of a new reality show, "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" on the E! Hopefully he can bring his success in water to land. Sunday nights at 10 PM on the E! Turn it on right after "Mad Men" on the AMC.

ACT 7:

He's become a favorite of mine. From his new album, "The Low Highway," Steve Earle and The Dukes (and the Duchesses) performed "Invisible."

And that was our show for Monday, April 22, 2013.

"Mud" --- I thought it was going to be about Dr. Mudd, the guy who treated John Wilke's Booth's broken ankle after his assassination of President Lincoln. It's where the phrase, "His name is Mudd" originated. At least that's the story I've learned. A quick Bing check and I found it was first used 40 years prior to the assassination, derived from some English word for "dolt". I like the Lincoln connection more, so I'm going to go with that.

A.J. Clemente . . . . ouch . . . . so here he was making his debut as the weekend anchorman for KFYR-TV and he lets out a double profanity before he's even on camera. I think the utterance stunned both anchors as they never seemed to regain their composure. Not since ‘Boom Goes The Dynamite' have I seen such unsettled nerves.

Went to a big Earth Day party today. Some of the things I overheard being said to Earth:
-"I can't believe it's been 4 billion years!"
-"You are so hot."

A big sad today . . . . Richie Havens has died. Great voice, great guitar. Saw him many times. He opened Woodstock in '69. Gonna miss him. I think I'll make him my springtime listen while working the yard this year. Am I the only one who can't do yard work without a CD playing? I try to make most of what I do party-like, so if I'm going to be digging and bending and sweating and working out in the yard, I want to make it more pleasurable with a beer and music. Why doesn't everybody do that? I see my neighbors do their yard. They don't relax with a beer and tune until after they're done. Why not enjoy a beer and song while you're yarding? Why wait?

Ask any baseball announcer and he will say that Dodgers' Vin Scully is the best in the business. So why don't any of them try to emulate him? Why do they yak yak yak when they should just sit back?

More from the Earth Day party:
-"Call me to reschedule" – The Mayans
-"I'm your fire at your desire" - Venus
In momentous events, I feel people are more interested in getting information than in getting the right information.

What did I do over the break? I learned how to make lip gloss using Vaseline, Crystal Light pomegranate, and a couple drops of water. And it's just that easy! My lips have never looked more inviting.

More from the Earth Day party:
-"We still friends?" – Pluto
-"You're the life of the party!"

You know what I'd like to see from people? Less multi-tasking and more unit-tasking. Especially when it's my turn to be waited on.

More from the Earth Day party:
-"I don't care what Copernicus says!"
-"Can't believe it's 6,000 years already!" - Bible

Many are outraged at the FBI for failing to check into the background of Boston Marathon bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev and allowing him to enter the country. But many would also be against checking his background if he wanted to buy a gun. I have to register if I want to take a book out of the library.

More from the Earth Day party:
-"Draft picks Revis? Really?"
-"Love you, but I'm tired of the jokes" – Uranus

The Wahoo Gazette . . . to the surprise to many, still in existence!

He's my go-go guy for the weather, from Channel 12 News, Hudson Valley, it's Ramapo High School alum Robert Eisenson.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.