Matt Damon, and Hanni El Khatib.
PLUS: increased security at the Lincoln Memorial; Modified Meat Roundup; more Weiner texting; amended advertising on city taxi cabs; a Top Ten list; and a visit with NSA leaker Edward Snowden.
“ . . . . and now, the man who wears the star . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“I’m no longer the biggest embarrassment in New York.”
-“Eliot Spitzer said he won’t vote for Anthony Weiner. Well, that’s good enough for me.”
Something Tony is doing gets Dave’s attention. What’s up? We see Tony stuffing a cue card into a Fed Ex box.
Tony: “The last joke was so bad I’m returning it and getting our money back.”
The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized with green paint. To make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again, they’ve installed some new security measures at the monument. We watch.
We see a tourist taking pictures of the Memorial. Lincoln’s tongue darts out like a frog and snatches the unsuspecting tourist.
Longtime Letterman devotees will recall we used that two years ago on August 3, 2011.
Scientists have created the world’s first test tube burger, so we decided to look into other examples of modified meat in this roundup. We watch.
ART CARD:"Modified Meat Roundup?"
ANNOUNCE: "Test tube hamburgers.” We see a photo of a hamburger.
“Genetically engineered salmon.” We see a photo of salmon.
“Alex Rodriguez.” We see a photo of Alex Rodriguez."
" 'Modified Meat Roundup' is made possible by an endowment from the National Endowment for the Arts."
Anthony Weiner is defiant to stay in the New York City mayoral race. He released this statement yesterday. We watch.
We find Anthony Weiner speeching: "Other politicians that say, 'Boy, I wish that guy Weiner would quit.' You don't know New York. Surely you don't know me. 'Quit' isn't the way we roll in New York City." We hear Weiner receiving a text message. While he’s continuing with his conference, he looks down at his incoming.
MESSAGE: "Carlos, I miss you!"
The guy is talented. While Weiner continues speaking, he texts back.
WEINER MESSAGE: "Doing a commercial, text you my deal in a sec"
The Taxi and Limousine Commission is removing strip club advertisement from the top of their taxi cabs. The advertisements bring in quite a bit of revenue to cab fleet owners. We take a look at what they’re doing to counter this. Outside on 53rd Street, we find a yellow cab driving down the street. Atop the cab . . . . an actual stripper gyrating on a pole.
We found the stripper in the Yellow Pages under “stunt stripper.” They cost extra.
TOP TEN: OTHER PHOTOS ANTHONY WEINER HAS TWEETED – By now you’re familiar with Anthony Weiner’s sexting and texting and tweeting of dirty pictures of himself to women all across America. Well, he’s been going to counseling with Dr. Greenblatt who has suggested that he continue to take photos with his cell phone, but to take photos of other stuff rather than his “thing.” We have some the photos Anthony Weiner has been taking.
OTHER PHOTOS ANTHONY WEINER HAS TWEETED
10. A kitty – it’s a photo of a cute little kitty cat.
9. A flower – a photo of a very pretty yellow flower.
8. A cloud – uh oh. The cloud looks a little . . . . phallic.
7. A building. Oh, boy. I can see where this is going.
6. A rock formation. Yup, you guessed it.
5. A chili pepper. Yeah, more of the same.
4. A cheeto.
3. A cactus. That hurts just thinking about it.
2. A potato. A spud stud.
1. A Carrot
I heard it earlier in the show and I heard a bit of it in the pre-show. We have a “WOOOOO-er” in the audience. Someone likes to respond to things that excite her with a “WOOOOOO!” I think she was given the “Shhhhhh.”
Matt is looking as lean as ever. What’s he do to keep in shape? Matt says he’s taken up surfing. Any good at it? Matt says, “No, I’m terrible.” He admits most of the workout is stroking and paddling on the board to get around. He started 6 years ago but he’s doesn’t keep at it as much as he should or as much as he wants. He’s a busy man. I use the same excuse for my gym membership.
Matt, who has been living in New York for quite a while, is moving to California. For surfing? Matt says, “No, not for surfing.” Dave is disappointed. He thinks it would have been so cool to move to California to pursue surfing. Nope. Matt, his wife, and their four daughters are moving to the left coast. Are their schools picked out or will they be home schooled? Dave mentions this because he knows a lot of the big stars like to home school the kids. Dave can barely get the question out because it’s obvious to him that he has no idea and is just making noise.
Matt’s new film, “Elysium,” promises to be a summer blockbuster. And that puts a lot of pressure on Matt and the film because this hasn’t been a very successful summer for blockbusters. And there is added pressure because his last film, “Promised Land,” about fracking didn’t do too well. He’s learned that “fracking” isn’t the magnet he hoped it would be to bring people to the theater. But somehow, “fracking” kept coming up when talking about “Elysium” even though there is nothing about fracking in the movie. Many believe fracking is extremely dangerous, but so far it has only been proved dangerous at the box office.
And speaking of water, Matt is deeply involved in bringing clean water to the billions who don’t have that necessity. Clean water is the best medicine and so many suffer because they don’t have access. Read and learn more about his efforts and the efforts of many at www.water.org.
“Elysium” – the summer blockbuster opens August 9th.
ANNOUNCE: “We’ll look for you again tomorrow when Dave welcomes Oprah Winfrey, and Paul Rudd. Look for Paul Rudd’s lifestyle magazine, P, on newsstands now. Back after this.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden has been holed up at the Moscow Airport for nearly 40 days. We’re lucky enough to have him with us via satellite. We turn on the thing. We find a split screen of Dave and Snowden.
DAVE: "Hello, Edward. Good to see you, buddy. Thank you very much for joining us”
SNOWDEN: "Thanks, Dave. Listen, before we get started, I just wanted to give a quick shout out to my whistle-blower homeboy, Bradley Manning. Yo! Nailed it, Brad!" (Snowden blows a
DAVE: "OK, OK. Now, you're referring to Private Bradley Manning. He was found not guilty of aiding the enemy, but you know, Edward, the guy is still going to do over 100 years in prison. What about that?"
SNOWDEN: (a bit shaken) "Are you kidding me? Dude, you just whistle-blew my mind." (blows his whistle)
DAVE: "Uh, huh. Edward, are you concerned about being extradited . . . . or arrested?"
SNOWDEN: "Look, man, everything's cool. I'm not worried about the law. First of all, I'm in Russia. Who's going to arrest me . . . . Dolph Lundgren?" (Snowden does his best Lundgren impersonation) "I must break you." (blows whistle)
DAVE: “Yeah, yeah. OK. Alright. Now, where did you get the whistle, Edward?"
SNOWDEN: “This? It was a freebie from Wikileaks."
DAVE: "That's nice. You know, it's been a while since you applied for asylum in Russia. What more do they need from you before that they let you into the country?”
SNOWDEN:"There's a background check and some medical tests. (pointing to the mole on his neck) I think they want to have this thing on my neck looked at, and stuff like that. I don't know."
DAVE: "Well, it can't hurt to have that thing looked at. Do you know where you'd like to live in Russia?” (no response from Snowden. Something has caught his eye) “Edward? Edward?”
SNOWDEN: "Oh, sorry, Dave. Burger King's about to close, and I'm dying for a Vopper."
Snowden blows his whistle and walks off in search of the Vopper. "Hey! Vopper! Vopper!"
And that’s Snowden.
HANNI EL KHATIB
From his sophomore album, “Head in the Dirt,” Hanni El Khatib performed “Family.”
And that was our show for Wednesday, July 31, 2013.
My appearance as a New York Post headline writer from Tuesday night made a few of the morning shows. I feel a bit of an affinity to the New York Post headline writer because I put together the Late Show script each day and have to create a script cover. The script cover usually consists of something that is happening in the world that day. I add a twist or a spin to make it amusing. This week, naturally, has been all about Anthony Weiner. The test is to come up with something that every other newspaper in the country hasn’t come up with yet. One I haven’t seen yet, one that made Tuesday’s script cover, is a shot of an angry Anthony Weiner with the headline, “Weiner Getting Testy.” Remember, you saw it here first. And you’re welcome to use it, New York Post. It would be an honor.
One summer on vacation many years ago in Virginia Beach I tried the surfing. The family rented the biggest one we could find. I could barely lift it. But I was one darn good surfer. I later found out that the bigger the board, the easier it is. It was like riding a boat. Of course, I only surfed on the wave after it broke and it wasn’t much of a ride, but I couldn’t help humming to myself a Beach Boy song every time I got up.
There was an article in the New York Post about personal license plates that are not allowed by the DMV in New York State. Some not allowed include: SEXHOG, DOOSH, UPYURZ, and HORNY. I had a friend in high school who got away with the license plate, EMKCUF. I always liked to get ahead of him and read it in my rearview mirror.
This Date in Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
July 31, 2002 - From his loving daughter Rebecca, it’s a Wahoo cameo mention for Tom Riddick of Atlanta, Georgia on his 50th birthday August 1st! WOW! What a cheap present! Congratulations, Tom. Hey, Tom! Answer the phone, AARP is calling.
This concludes another installment of This Date In Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Southington, Connecticut, it’s the David Letterman Tulip Poplar Tree.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee