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Thursday, December 19, 2013 A fat guy in his underwear wishes everyone a happy holiday.
Show #3954
Steve Carell and The Saint Johns.
PLUS: What's at Radio City; a Fat Guy; Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People; "Grudge Match," Dave's House; The Late Show Best of 2013; and Charts and Graphs.
" . . . and now, Brazilian jiu-jitsu ground-fighting champion . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Super Bowl organizers have announced that in case of a snowstorm, the big game in New York. . . . New Jersey . . . could be moved to Monday or Tuesday. I'm against that. If we move the Super Bowl to another day, the meteorologists have won."

There's plenty of great entertainment in the city, and it doesn't stop when the holidays are over. We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "The legendary 'Radio City Christmas Spectacular' runs through December 30th. Then, beginning January 3rd, it's the 'Radio City Atheist Spectacular,' featuring all your atheistic favorites, like 'Everything's Meaningless,' 'Life Is Random' and 'When You Die, That's It.' Call Ticketmaster now!"

When we come back, we find a heavy gentlemen standing by Dave. He is wearing only a white t-shirt and boxers. His feet are adorned with black socks. Upon his head is a Santa hat. He enters with a Ho ho ho. Dave eyeballs the gentlemen and immediately recognizes what this is about.
DAVE: "Oh, I know what this is. You went to the costume store, and they were all out of Santa suits. Right? Is that what happened?"
GUY: "Nope. I'm just a fat guy in his underwear here to wish everybody a happy and healthy holiday."
The guy waves and exits.
DAVE:"We have got to put somebody on the door."
Uhh, Dave, that IS the guy we have on the door.

Did you shut-ins watch the Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People special? She named Hillary Clinton as our most fascinating. 2nd most fascinating? Speaker Boehner: "Are you kidding me?" And then there was this guy.
We take a look at college basketball coach Barry Hinson venting after a loss. Barry Hinson Salucki? No, Barry Hinson sickola. It's understandable to act that way following a loss. After all, it IS a basketball a game.
Also on the list . . .

What's new up in Toronto? Well, it's not really new; it's just more of the same. We take a look. It's Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. He's singing and dancing at a city council meeting. Hey, imagine that!

It's his busy time of year. Let's take a look at what Santa is up to at the North Pole. We see Santa being cuffed and arrested. Now there goes a non-believing police officer.

Did you hear the President had a White House Gingerbread House baked and constructed? It's a tradition. In these trying times, it makes Americans feel better to see a Gingerbread White House.

Know what Dave and Paul are doing on Christmas day? They are going to the Sylvester Stallone/Robert Deniro boxing match movie, "Grudge Match," also known as "Aging Bull." We take a look at a clip from the film where Stallone and Deniro face off.

We see the aged ragers scuffling in a subway station. Punches were few, just a bunch of noogies and nuts shots.

ACT 2:
At this time of year, a lot of shows put out a "Best Of" collection of the best of the year. We decided to do the same. We take a look at the Late Show Best of 2103."
The clip we see is Dave doing his Charlie Callas honk over and over . . . and over again.
Ahh, it's always good to see my "Odd Dave" suggestions put to use. Dave and his Callas . . .I believe from November 1st.

CHARTS AND GRAPHS - informational . . . educational . . . it's edumational.
- Where do you plant to spend the holidays?
50% with the people I love
50% with my relatives

- 2014 new year's resolutions
12% exercise more \
9% eat better
79% come up with better 2015 resolutions

- Favorite downs on which to sleep
86% goose
10% duck
4% Hugh
- Signs a Super Bowl ticket is counterfeit
Holographic elements don't move
Bar code is smudged
Trophy shows banana, not a football

ODD DAVE! Dave, with an accent:"That's some joke, huh?"

- Favorite visual representations of information
50% charts
49% charts
1% phony sign language

- Kim Jong-Un's Christmas gifts to his family
6 relatives: iPad Mini
4 relatives: gift card to day spa
1 relative: arrest and execution

- What's the first thing you'd do if you won the Mega Millions jackpot?
10% purchase a new house
15% donate portion of winnings to charity
75% buy more Mega Millions tickets

- Who's your favorite portly gift-giver?
99% Santa Claus
1% Aunt Ida

- Favorite entertainer who shares a name with a Christmas decoration
98% Judy Garland
2% Gary Treeballs

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: REASONS YOU WON'T BE RECEIVING A CHRISTMAS BONUS
This list included 4 vts.
#8. You're this guy - we see the airport baggage handler chucking bags and boxes onto a conveyor belt.
5. You're this guy - we see a FedEx guy tossing a big-screen TV over a 7-foot fence.
3. You're this guy - we see our friend Shecky having his way with a fax machine.
1. You're this guy - we see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford being Fordish.

The largest Christmas bonus? In 2007, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein was awarded $68 million.

STEVE CARELL
He's in the big winter blockbuster "Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues." Perhaps you heard of it.
Dave is eager to get into hearing Steve talk about his recent hip replacement surgery. He needed it due to a hockey injury suffered about 12 years ago. His doctor suggested that Steve put off the surgery for as long as he could stand . . . . literally. Steve decided to go into the surgery totally without knowledge. He did no research at all. He went into it blindly, putting all faith in his doctors. Steve says his wife did some looking around and found some footage of a hip replacement surgery on the YouTube. She had one bit of advice for Steve: "Don't watch YouTube!" She's right. I had a friend whose father was going to get a new knee. It took years to convince him to get it done. And then he saw a knee replacement performed on TV. He canceled the next day. The doctor comes into the operating room with a tool box. There was a hammer, a saw, an electric screwdriver . . . everything you would find in a toolbox.
Steve had the choice of a new plastic hip or a ceramic? The ceramic is better, but there is a 1% chance that you will squeak. Steve decided to go with the ceramic. I guess if he got the squeak, he could parlay that into a character in a sitcom.

Dave realizes that he may have to get a new hip or a new knee someday. How does the doctor get the size just right? Steve says they measure beforehand. Naturally, but . . .you know . . . human error? Dave says, "I mean . . . . have you ever done any carpentry?" Steve thinks a moment and says, "Yes, I have, and I'm half a bubble out of plumb." Dave enjoyed the phrase. And if I know Dave, that line will come up again someday, somewhere. He waited to use Kate Blanchett's "a big girl's blouse" nearly a decade. "A bubble out of plumb" will be used likewise.

"Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues" - it's in all the theaters now!

Tonight's installment of the "Backstage Photo Club: Paul Shaffer and Darlene Love.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave's guests Kristen Wiig, tennis legend John McEnroe, and Darlene Love. Thanks for the iTunes gift card, Executive Producer Rob Burnett!"

ACT 6:
Every year, Dave hires some neighborhood kids to put up Christmas lights on his house. Dave could do it himself, but the kids in the 'hood like to do it to raise money for a club or for those in need. Blessed with 21st century technology, Dave can look in on his home to see how the lighting came out this year. Dave has a switch on his desk that is hooked up to the lights to his house. And we have a camera on the house so we can see the results. With much fanfare and anticipation, Dave flicks the switch. The lights on Dave's house shine. Very tastefully done. Uh oh. Up on the roof . . . the roof lights spell out: "Suck It!" Dave is upset. He did not sign up for that. That was not in the contract.

ACT 7:
THE SAINT JOHNS
From their EP, "Open Water," The Saint Johns performed "OpenWater."

And that was our show for Thursday December 19, 2013.

My mustache . . . I grew it as a goof, as something to do, in college. I convinced a bunch of guys on the floor to grow one. Some of the girls, too. It was in January of '77. Did it for no real reason. And for no real reason, I've kept it. It means nothing to me but keeping it meant one less thing to shave. That's probably the only reason I've kept it. Recently, I've been toying with the idea of getting rid of it. Again, who cares? Keep it . . . fine. Shave it . . . .fine, too. But now I've noticed some white whiskers starting to show. Ever try yanking a white mustache hair? Well, now I may have a reason to shave my mustache. Fascinating, isn't it?

My daughters are waiting to hear from the colleges they applied. Yeesh. Such stress for them. I don't remember my college application process being this stressful. My only requirement for my college of choice was it had to be between 3 and 4 hours from home. I drew a 3-hour and a 4-hour circle around my house on a map and that's how I made my decision. The first time I saw SUNY Cortland was the day I was dropped off. I knew nothing about the place. I played 3 sports in high school, but I wanted something new in college. I contemplated going out for the lacrosse team, a sport I never played since my high school didn't offer it. I soon learned that Cortland was the defending Division 3 national champs in lacrosse. I decided to drop the idea of playing lacrosse.

Where's Jay Thomas? He won't be here tomorrow night to partake in the Holiday Quarterback Challenge. Why not? He's recuperating from surgery due to an old high school football injury. Filling in for Jay will be tennis legend John McEnroe.

Print out the lyrics to "Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home" and sing along with Darlene Love Friday night.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Billy Crystal
Tony Hale
LiV Warfield

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