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Friday, January 31, 2014 Dave helps Bill Murray with his beard problem.
Show #3978
Bill Murray, and Eagulls.
PLUS: response to the State of the Union; Warren Buffett challenge; an announcement from the NFL; the making of the Lombardi Trophy; Justin Bieber: Victim; a Top Ten List; and Todd the Intern Goes to Super Bowl Media Day.

" . . . . and now, the genius who trademarked ‘The Big Game' . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"32 years ago tomorrow, I started in late night television on NBC. I'd still be there but I got fired for parking my car in Willard Scott's spot."
-"It now costs 49 cents for a first class stamp. I hope it cuts down on my hate mail."

In his State of the Union Address, President Obama outlined some very compelling proposals. We take a look at how Congress responded today.
We see a bunch of "No way, Jose" and "Forget about it" and "Not happening" and ending with
"Buy me a beer and we'll all celebrate."

Did you hear about Warren Buffett's NCAA bracket challenge? Now he's got another idea. This one seems ill-advised. We look.
ANNOUNCE: "Warren Buffett has fired up sports fans with his NCAA challenge: correctly fill out a March Madness bracket, and win a billion dollars. And now there's another chance to win! Mr. Buffett is also offering one billion dollars to anyone who correctly fills out a Super Bowl bracket!"
We see a two-teamed bracket between the Broncos and the Seahawks.
"Get going, America!
A message from Warren Buffett --- financial genius."

Dave was really excited about the Super Bowl, and then he saw this announcement from the NFL earlier today that was a bit upsetting. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "With looming uncertainty about the weather for Super Sunday, the NFL chose to take advantage of today's moderate temperatures, low winds, and clear skies, and held the Super Bowl championship game earlier this afternoon. The NFL congratulates the Denver Broncos on their 27-24 victory.
See you at Super Bowl 49!"

A big attraction on Super Bowl Boulevard is the Lombardi Trophy that goes to the winning team. We have footage of the trophy being assembled.
Hey! It's that guy hammering on the tin pan! Tap tap tap tap tap . . . and then Paul and the band join in with "Mississippi Queen" by Mountain. This was a last second addition, a last second idea. I was fun to see and hear Paul jump in without knowing it was in the mix.

Justin Bieber has had several brushes with the law lately. We always hear about Justin being the perpetrator, but quite often he's the innocent victim. We take a look at this, something we call, "Justin Bieber: Victim"
ART CARD: "JUSTIN BIEBER: VICTIM"
GRAPHIC: HIT WITH A WATER BOTTLE
We see a clip of Justin performing in concert. He is hit in the head with a water bottle.
GRAPHIC: INJURED BY REVOLVING DOOR
We see a clip of Justin being attacked by a revolving door.
GRAPHIC: MANHANDLED BY TALK SHOW HOST
We see Dave grabbing for Justin's newly branded tattoo on his arm (June 21, 2013; #3693). Justin squeals, rightfully, "Hey hey hey hey!"
ART CARD: "JUSTIN BIEBER: VICTIM"
Dave feels bad about that now.

ACT 2:
Please say hello to Todd, our intern.
Intern Todd runs out and sits in the guest chair.
DAVE: "How long have you been with the show?"
TODD: "5 years."
I guess he'll keep interning until he learns something.
We recently sent Todd out to Super Bowl Media Day to ask dumb questions to a bunch of football players who didn't want to be there. We take a look at Todd's fun report, highlighted by a guy who sort of looked like Joe Piscopo. Great job by Todd.

TOP TEN: ATTRACTIONS ON SUPER BOWL BOULEVARD – The NFL has taken over a 13-block stretch in Times Square and reshaped, refigured, and renamed it to Super Bowl Boulevard. It's a whole bunch of football stuff. It's only 6 blocks south of here . . . but since it's not on the way to my car, I think I'll skip it.
ATTRACTIONS ON SUPER BOWL BOULEVARD
10. The 3-D NFL Shower Experience
6. Sit On A Bench With Tim Tebow
4. Receive An Obscene Text From Brett Favre
1. Have An Actual NFL Equipment Manager Inflate Your Balls

ACT 3:
BILL MURRAY

Bill enters flying like Peter Pan. He sings the following as he soars like Spiderman high above the stage.

"I'm flying, look at me way up high,
Suddenly here am I, I'm flying.

I'm flying, I can soar.
I can weave and what's more,
I'm not even trying.

High up, and as light as I can be.
I must be a sight lovely to see.

I'm flying, nothing will stop me now.
Higher still look at how I can zoom around
Way up on the ground . . . . I'm flying."

What I wanted to see was Todd running around with cue cards for Bill to read while he flew without control or direction. I picture it like Bullwinkle Moose running with a bucket of water to catch Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

So, what's the deal with entering like Peter Pan? Bill says he's heard the NBC will be putting on another live theatrical performance like they did for the Sound of Music last December. This time, Peter Pan, and Bill feels as if he's just the guy for the lead. Following some nonsensical chit chat, Bill is re-lifted into the rafters, grabbing a coffee mug before liftoff.

Bill stars in the much-anticipated film "The Monuments Men" about a group of soldiers whose purpose is to recover stolen art during World War II and to protect that which had not yet been destroyed. It's certainly on my list of movies to see. Actually, it's probably on my list of movie to see. Yeah, my movie list is lucky to have more than one on it. "The Monuments Men" gives a new look at the subject of World War II, a war that's been examined to pieces. Clooney, Damon, Goodman, Murray, Blanchett, Bob Balaban – the weasel-ly NBC exec on Seinfeld, and the weasel-ly NBC exec on The Late Shift . . . and even Robert Crawley, the Earl of Grantham is in it, Hugh Bonneville.
Bill has grown a beard for his last movie. He's thinking of getting rid of it. Now seems like a good time. Dave was prepared for such and presents a towel and some clippers. Bill gets it started, and then Dave takes over. We go to commercial as the shaving cream/razor part of the shave is prepared.

ACT 5:
We see Dave applying shaving cream to Bill's bearded growth. A bit of dab gets in Bill's eye.

ACT 6:
Bill is now clean shaven. During the shave, Paul tickled the keys with a soft melody from a shaving commercial. Dang it, I can't place it. I picture the shaving commercial with a sports theme to it.
"Deh, shave, deh deh deh de deh. Deh, shave, deh deh deh de deh." Something like that. It'll come to me on my drive home tonight.
I was watching Bill shave with a razor in each hand. He went right at it. I'm not sure what you got to see on the TV at home, but Bill shaves like it's an X-Game event. Very daring, very dangerous, devil may care.
Before saying goodnight, Dave says of his good friend Bill: "If you're going to make a movie, this is all you need right here."

ACT 7:
EAGULLS

From their debut album, "Eagulls," the band from Leeds, England performed "Possessed"

And that was our show for Friday, January 31, 2014.

For those keeping score at home:
Late Night: February 1, 1982 – June 25, 1993: 1810 shows.
Late Show: debuted August 30, 1993: 3982 shows.
Total: 5,792 programs on Late Night television.

What I like to look for on the Super Bowl commercials is what movie will be promoted during the Super Bowl that will open in July. I have to wonder if that money is well spent. Will a commercial you've spent millions on be worth the impact 7 months later? It's usually a superhero movie. I guess it gets people talking but . . . . . . 7 months is a long way away.

I used to clean the grout on my kitchen floor every Super Bowl Sunday. The pre-game is endless and it's a 4 hour job that keeps me busy leading up to the game. But over the Christmas break I was looking to do something . . . anything . . . and so I did the grout then. Now I have nothing to do leading up to the game. Therefore, I decided to throw a Big Game Party. I hope the guests will appreciate my grout.

And two minutes before the Super Bowl opening kickoff, I like to take a quick gander at what's playing on ESPN. I imagine it'll be the World Series of Poker, and Cheerleading on ESPN2.

I have some business to take care of tonight. My Late Show Pool numbers aren't so good, but that's a box that goes for 10 units. I'm in a $100 box at a local bar. I'll have to pay a visit tonight to find out if I got 7-0 or not. One thing I've learned about Super Bowl pools. If you're in a big one where each box goes for at least $100, don't watch the game there. You don't want to win $10,000 and be surrounded by a bunch of lush-hounds looking for a freebie. And you won't be able to control yourself from being a big shot. You'll blow $500 easy. Don't do it. Go in on Tuesday and buy the bar a round. It'll cost you about $50.

Now if it was just me at my Super Bowl Party, beer and chips and Cheese-Its would be fine. But I'll have friends over. Now I have to buy a better brand of beer and since I'm calling it a "Super Bowl Party" I'll have to up the food options. And since wives will be coming, I'll really have to up the food choice. And that means I'll have to pick up some wine. I'll be going out early Saturday for the drinks.
"Excuse me, how much is that box of wine?"

Oh, and now my Super Bowl Pool story. I had won a small final pool some years back. I can't remember the teams involved but I won it on a fluke. A team with the game in hand missed a late extra point. It meant nothing to the outcome of the game, but meant EVERYTHING to those who had a Super Bowl box, which is millions of people. My winnings were meager, but I was happy to win it. Jump ahead a week. I go to a local bar and find my friend in his usual spot. After a drink or three, I ask with a big smile out of the blue, "So, you win any money in a football pool?" He glares at me and then gets up to go to the bathroom. Oops. Guys around me tell me that my friend Kevin lost out on 20 grand due to the missed extra point. OUCH! That's 20 grand, tax-free. My friend Kevin returns soon afterwards. I tell him I just heard the story. He says that wasn't the worst part. He was sitting at the bar counting his money in his head. The guy misses the extra point and the $20,000 is gone just like that. He wanted to cry. And who won? The bartender. Kevin wants to cry, and right across from him is the guy who just stole $20,000 from him. The bartender is obviously jubilant. Seconds earlier the bartender was congratulating Kevin on his expected 20K win. But now it's the barkeep with the 20K. Kevin says nothing while he burns up inside. When things quieted down a bit, Kevin orders up another Coors Light . . . . and the bartender charged him for it.

Happy motoring!

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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Jake Gyllenhaal
Dr. John Holdren
Nico & Vinz

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