Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Tuesday, July 29, 2014 "Guardians of the Galaxy" looks like a sure-fire hit.
Show #4066
Chris Pratt, Judy Greer, and Rodrigo y Gabriela.
PLUS: This Just In; MSNBC Highlight; Bad news for Donald Sterling; pilot talk; and the trailer to “50 Shades of Grey”
“ . . . . and now, purveyor of the finest horseradish . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
Dang it, I’m a little late on this. Dave led into a joke by claiming, “This is why the rest of the world hates us.” Now I realize that could have been an interesting file to keep; all the reasons why the rest of the world hates us. Oh, well, I guess starting now . . . .
I may have already logged some, but certainly not all.

- “There’s a new product you can buy . . . and this is why the rest of the world hates us . . . it’s bottled water that has the flavor of chocolate chip cookies. Yes, this is the only way we can keep Americans hydrated.”
- “New York City tap water . . . it looks like it has chocolate chips in it.” (Ahh, an NYC tap water joke. But NYC has the best tasting tap water in the country. You can look it up. Comes down from the Catskill mountains)

Dave tells a joke about a warning from the CDC alerting us to a possible pandemic. And the best way to avoid a pandemic . . . . is to sterilize your pan. Dave told that joke just for himself. He knew it would get very little response, but it seemed like he told it purely for his own enjoyment. I enjoyed seeing his enjoyment.

Hey, wait a minute . . . wait a minute . . . Dave puts his finger to his ear . . . ‘This just in . . . . .”
We cut to this report from WRGT-Dayton.
Anchorman: “"Aretha Franklin is speaking out this morning, saying she got ‘no respect’ from a server at Johnny Rockets."

And while you’re here, how about this . . . the MSNBC Highlight of the Night.
We see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on a seesaw with his brother. No, this isn’t a Throwback Thursday photo of their youth; the photo is just from the other day.
MSNBC’s LOUIS BURGDORF: "The mayor might have gotten the best of his brother on that one."
MSNBC’s THOMAS ROBERTS: "The funny thing is, like all typical siblings, the goal is when you're on a seesaw, to jack your sibling off."
BURGDORF: “Totally”

Dave quickly distances himself from that joke.

More bad news for Donald Sterling. A judge cleared the way for the Los Angeles Clippers to be sold . . . for $2 billion. Sterling doesn’t want to sell, and he had one last chance to reverse the ruling and maintain ownership of the Clippers. We watch.
ANNOUNCE: "A California judge ruled Monday that Donald Sterling could not prevent the sale of the Clippers. Per NBA rules, Sterling had one chance to overturn the decision by making the shot from half court."
We cut to footage of a guy trying to make a half-court shot during some halftime entertainment. Supposedly, it’s Donald Sterling. Sterling heaves the ball. Oh, the bad luck . . . . the ball gets stuck between the rim and the backboard. It may have been funny to those watching, but I’m sure Sterling was not happy.

Did you hear about the Delta airline pilot that got into a bit of a tiff with an air traffic controller? The pilot got a bit snippy. We take a listen to the exchange.
GROUND TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: (in control; calm) "Delta 24-22, you're supposed to be on ‘Mike.’"
PILOT: (sounding like a screaming Sam Kinison: "Nobody helps you figure this ‘djoy’ out. We didn't get any pamphlets from the ‘givl’ing government. We didn't know!" (to decipher “djoy” and “givl”, simply look to the left of each letter in “djoy” and “givl” on your keyboard)
GROUND TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: "I'm just saying it looks like you joined ‘Lima’ instead of ‘Mike.’"
PILOT: (more screaming Kinison) "No one will help us. How can we do it?"
GROUND TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: "I'm just trying to correct you before you stay on ‘Lima.’"
PILOT: (more screaming Kinison) "How the ‘givl’ did you get this job?!"

For my ODD DAVE file during the monologue: Dave pointing/finger-shooting/”Hey, how you doing?”

ACT 2:
Sitting in with the band tonight, Mindi Abair, on saxophone and vocals all night long. Nice work by Ms. Abair. Very strong, very powerful, great sound. Her new CD is entitled, “Wild Heart.”
How many of you have the “Fifty Shades of Grey” book? It was a crazy bestseller, mostly because it had a lot of naughty parts. I never read it. My joke was always, “I’ll wait for the movie.” Well, the movie has been made and the trailer is out. We take a look at the trailer for the film that won’t be coming out until February 2015 to coincide with Valentine’s Day. We take a look at a clip from “Fifty Shades of Grey”
We see a man and woman talking about S-E-X. The guy unlocks a door and slowly opens. They look in. In the darkened room is a lonely man . . . Dave Letterman . . . . who sadly mutters: “Is it time for Monday’s show?”
Hmm, I think I’ll wait for it to come on cable.

He’s in the big “Guardians of the Galaxy” movie. Dave is familiar with Chris by his work in “Parks and Recreation” and the film, “Zero Dark Thirty.” Dave is impressed with Chris’ “natural goofball personality” he exhibits in his work. I “Played The Pratt” and said, “But that’s not what I was going for.” BUZZ. Not a match. Dave was also impressed with the fine shape Chris appeared to be in for the film, “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Chris credits a lot of trainers, a lot of work, and a lot of air-brushing. He lost much weight leading up to the film, anywhere from 180 pound to 380 pounds. He had to add a few pounds during the shoot for the spray tan.

Chris is the dad of a 2-year-old. His son is all boy. Dave says when his boy Harry was that age, he loved cranes. He loved everything about cranes. Chris nearly jumps out of his seat in recognition. His son loves monster trucks. His son’s love has rekindled Chris love of the monster trucks as well. I have no interest in the monster trucks, but I’m tempted to attend one of those monster truck shows at the Madison Square Garden. A friend went to one in Texas and he says it’s like professional wrestling, where the huge trucks beat up on the lesser ones. Plus, you can’t beat the smell of diesel in enclosed quarters
“Guardians of the Galaxy” – it opens this Friday in the IMAX 3D. It has something to do with chasing orbs.

ACT 4:
From the new FX series, “Married.”
The fair-skinned is quite aware of the dangers of summer. Summer to her means sunburn and blisters and peeling. Dave knows from what she speaks. When Dave grew up, it wasn’t summer unless you acquired a deadly sunburn where the skin bubbles up and then peels off. All the kids would get it. Not anymore. Judy is very possessive of her sunscreen. The spray is her preference. She’ll go through bottles and bottles of it, sometimes two bottles a day.. And she doesn’t appreciate it when others ask if they could “borrow” some. Don’t they know there would be sun out at the beach? Why didn’t they bring some sunscreen of their own? They don’t have to bring their own. They know Judy will have some.

Judy was in the big summer blockbuster monkey movie. There are some very loyal followers of the “Planet of the Apes” movies. When thinking of the Planet of the Apes, Dave thinks of the 1968 one. Judy? No. She wasn’t born yet. Back in 1968, Dave says he was out in the backyard smoking, getting a sunburn, and slapping on the baby oil.
What did Judy learn from the Planet of the Apes? Monkeys have tails; apes do not.
Judy’s husband is a huge “Planet of the Apes” fan. So much so that their wedding had a “Planet of the Apes” theme. Judy bought her hubby-to-be a watch, and on the back she had engraved “Ape shall not kill ape.” Her husband must really love Judy because he didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s “Ape shall NEVER kill ape.” When she found out the engraving was incorrect, she blamed the engraver. Aren’t they supposed to know such things?

“Married” on the FX. She’s had some difficult moments on the set. She frequently holds hands and shows affection to her TV husband while shooting scenes. Time and again the director/creators will yell “Cut!” She is scolded that they are supposed to be married. There is to be no hand-holding. No affection. You know, like a real marriage.

“Married” – Thursday nights at 10:00 PM on the FX.

ACT 5:
Music from Mindi Abair – “Miss You” from the Rolling Stones.

ACT 6:
The duo from Mexico knocked it out of the park with a thrilling guitar instrumental of “The Soundmaker” from their new album, “9 Dead Alive.” Yowza! Now THAT was something!

And that was our show for Tuesday July 29, 2014.

We had our annual staff and crew photo taken after the show out on 53rd Street. And this was the 15th year of my joke: “Did you forget about the staff photo today?” (“No”) And you wore that?”
If I knew I was going to be here on the show for 20 years, I would have worn the same shirt for every photo. As it stands now, I do make an effort to wear my blue short sleeved shirt. I started too late to make it noticeable, so instead of staffers noticing, laughing out loud, and patting me on the back, they instead whisper and say, “Mike is wearing the same shirt.”

These costumed characters in Times Square . . . they get dressed up and you take a picture of the character with your young son or daughter. Then they demand a tip. The tip I don’t mind so much, but when they demand it, that’s no good, especially when they want more than you give. Naturally, it got out of control and now the city has to step in and make laws. It’s the human condition . . . keep pushing for more, keep stepping over the line, until you go too far. It’s why we have laws. It’s for those who don’t have the decency to behave themselves on their own. They need a “parent” to keep them under control. It is those who ruin it for everyone else.

I don’t mind Barack Obama golfing all the time, but shouldn’t he be a lot better at it by now?

Someone posted on the Facebook how they really don’t like kids on planes. Kids at restaurants can be a nuisance as well. But I don’t mind them, just as long as I see that the parents are making an effort to abate the annoyance. Sure, a kid will cry or whine or be a pest in public. I can live with that. It’s when the parent does nothing; when the parent lets the kid wail from takeoff to landing, from appetizer to dessert, without doing a thing. If I see the parent in a frantic panic trying to quell the situation, well, that’s good enough for me.

And now, something completely new and completely old. It’s THIS DATE IN WAHOO EXTRA HISTORY!
The Wahoo Extra from July 29, 2002.
On what date will we air Late Show #2000? Monday's show was #1850? Let me know. I will accept guesses till August 30th. Closest, wins!
It's Bruce Springsteen this Thursday and Friday so I'll be telling Bruce Springsteen stories all week.
It was the summer of 1981, maybe 1982. I was working the midnight shift at some dead end job. A friend got 8 tickets to a Springsteen show for Friday night at the Cap Center in Washington D.C. (I think it was called the Cap Center.) My workweek ended Friday at 8:00 AM so I was up for the trip even though I had very little sleep going into my last shift. We head out to D.C. that morning. I try to sleep in the back seat on the trip but with 5 excited youths and a blasting stereo, it wasn't going to happen. We arrive in D.C. and the first thing we did is what we always did first thing no matter what we did: We got some beer. Drinking with no sleep is, well, it's still fun but it'll make you real tired the second you stop, so I tried not to stop. The show was still hours away and any attempt I made for sleep was unsuccessful. Fighting sleep the whole day, I drag myself to arena for the show. The show is about to start. Bruce enters. He opens with my favorite song: "Thunder Road." And that's the last thing I remember. I slept through the rest of the show.

The Major League baseball players are trying to figure out a date to go on strike. They probably want to avoid September 11 but too much after that will jeopardize the pennant race, the playoffs, and possibly the World Series. I'm looking forward to the players and owners clinking their tin cups in an attempt to curry our favor. This should be fun. The only thing that would make this better is if the Boston Red Sox get hot and possess the best record in baseball when the season is canceled.

I had a barbecue yesterday and I was in charge of grilling. (No, Alan Kalter was not there.) Instead of the gas grill, I used a charcoal/lighter-fluid/match grill. That was fun. Them coals get white hot and the burgers and dogs are ready lickety-split. It's been a long time since I used the Kingsford briquets and the smells and flame and dirt from the charcoal brought me way back to my youth. When it comes to grilling, charcoal is the only way to go. I'll be doing it again in a couple weeks.

Tonight's city: Dallas Name: Thompkins - Google search produced:
The winner of the 1999 Daylily Growers of Dallas Annual Daylily Show Awards: Category: Small Flowers; Unique Style - it's Jay Thompkins.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A NON-WAHOO READER

I saw this in today's USA Today, the page with a small news blurb from each the state:
"MARYLAND: ANNAPOLIS - U.S. Naval Academy officials say they are encouraging a more intellectual approach to discipline.”
Instead of making midshipman drop for push-ups, minor infractions might require an essay.
Chief Petty Officer: "That does it, Murphy! Give me three pages, single-spaced with footnotes and references, on the importance of shining one's shoes prior to inspection, on the double! And keep your punctuation inside the quotes!"

Can you smell that? Mmmm. Vacation.

And that was the Wahoo Extra from July 29, 2002.

He once owned a top with a ball-bearing tip , a fan of KCAL-9 Los Angeles, it’s Steve Curtis.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.