CBS

PLUS: an announcement from Augusta National; Obama beer; how Osama bin Laden really died; Dave makes fireworks better; the Mars Curiosity; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, triple-washed and bagged for freshness . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Kim Kardashian continues to insist it wasn't a sham marriage. She claims it was a publicity stunt."

For the first time in its history, the Augusta National Golf Club has admitted women. They released this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "OK, we admitted two women, and one of them is African American. Now leave us alone.
Augusta National Golf Club: We are golf."

Barack Obama has begun brewing his own beer at the White House. In response, Mitt Romney has come up with a drink of his own. Watch.
ANNOUNCE: "To connect with working-class Americans, Barack Obama has been drinking beer with voters at campaign stops, and has even begun brewing his own White House beer. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney has come up with his own signature drink . . . . Take four ounces of cold tap water. Dilute it with four ounces of warm tap water. Allow 20 minutes to settle, and enjoy! Don't overdo it."
Mitt with moustache: "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

And speaking of Mitt, we take a look at his singing the Mormon National Anthem. Not sure if it was the Mormon National Anthem. It sounded like something I heard at temple last Saturday.
Says Dave about Mitt's singing: "We've done that a lot. People are sick of it. I don't care." I laughed at that. I do the same thing. I tell jokes mostly for myself. I like to hear 'em even if I know they are bad.

Jiminy crickets, if Bush was in the White House when the military got Osama bin Laden, Republicans would sill be patting themselves on the back and claiming the Dems would never have been able to get it done. A new Republican anti-Obama campaign is saying the President shouldn't take any credit for the death of Osama bin Laden. Dave isn't sure that's entirely credible, though. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "What Barack Obama wants you to believe: He coordinated a top-secret, precision assault that took out America's most-hated enemy. What really happened: Osama choked on a Pop Tart."
We see OBL choking on a Pop Tart. He falls over, dead. His eyes remain open. If I ruled the world, I would have had a hand enter the shot to lower his eyelids, like they always do in the movies.

ACT 2:
In for Will Lee, who is in Japan, is Neil Jason.
On trumpet all this week, Frank Greene.

Dave takes a moment to talk about fireworks and rockets. It was suggested to him that he should get some of the above for his son's enjoyment. Good idea, but Dave has had Grucci-quality fireworks for the family backyard picnics on the 4th of July. Simple Connecticut fireworks and rockets may not excite the boy as desired. This is how Dave makes rocketry exciting and suggests you try the same. First, you get the biggest, baddest rocket you can find. Get a kite. Send the kite high into the air. Attach the rocket to the kite string. Shoot off the rocket. Watch the rocket explode the kite.

And speaking of rockets, the Mars Curiosity rover used its laser for the first time, firing it at a small rock. We take a look at the official video from NASA
We see the Mars rover on the surface of Mars.
CENTRAL COMMAND, NASA: "Calibrating Curiosity rover sample analysis mechanism. Confirming coordinates for laser-induced breakdown spectroscopy. Activating laser."
The laser shoots from Curiosity.
Wide shot of Mars.
Mars explodes to smithereens.
CENTRAL COMMAND, NASA: "Double-checking laser calibration . . . . End transmission."

ACT 3:
TOP TEN CONGRESSMAN KEVIN YODER EXCUSES
Hey, how 'bout that Congressman from Kansas, Kevin Yoder . . . . Skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee. Yes, on the blue card I typed in "Skinny-dipping." For my own amusement, I wanted to hear Dave say "skinny-dipping." Instead, he said "swimming in the nude." For those who weren't there, the Sea of Galilee is where Jesus walked on water. I once walked on water. It was on Rockland Lake in January.

TOP TEN CONGRESSMAN KEVIN YODER EXCUSES
10. "What's the big deal, I was naked the whole trip"
9. "It was spring break; chill out"
8. "People in the Middle East are pretty easygoing about nudity"
7. "In my defense, I had been drinking heavily"
6. "Trying to take the focus off Mitt Romney's taxes"
5. "It had been days since a congressman did something embarrassing"
4. "It's Obama's fault"
3. "Putting the 'junk' in 'congressional junket'"
2. "I can't swim naked, but Barney Frank can walk around like this?"
1. "That's how we party in Kansas

KELSEY GRAMMER
He's in "Boss" - Starz - Friday's at 9:00 PM.

ACT 4:
OLIVIA MUNN
She's on "The Newsroom" - HBO - first season finale this coming Sunday at 10:00 PM.

Yeah, that's all I got for the two guests. I was run ragged.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Be back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Bill Hader, Mary-Louise Parker, and The Walkmen! Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Train Live On Letterman. Train's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. And you can quote me on that."

ACT 7:
TRAIN: From their album, "California 37," Train performed "50 Ways To Say Goodbye."
And then they stuck around to perform a mini-concert which can be seen on the Late Show website.

And that was our show for Monday, August 20, 2012. Augusta National Adds First Two Female Members . . . . next, Spanky's and Alfalfa's Club.

Sunday was probably my least productive day since I was asked to nurse my twins. I accomplished nothing Just sat around all day and did nothing, and I didn't have a hangover to blame. But Monday . . . . Monday rolled around and evened things out. My typewriter needed a repair. The guy came in and didn't have the part. The copier on 12 went down, as did the one on 14. I've said it many times before; this show would suffer terribly if one of three things happened: 1. if Dave left. 2. if Paul left. 3. if the 12th floor copier broke down. Everything else imaginable could be worked around. Anyway, it didn't end there. There were major additions late in the day that needed to be ready by show time. This involves typing it up, making copies, and distribution. And it involved a lot of blue cards. Lots. If you walked around the upper floors of the Ed office building Monday night you probably would see shoe scuff marks on a lot of equipment. Anyway, I was very glad to see the end of the show. I escaped intact and made my way home to do some Late Show work from there. Yes, I had to get out of here. I decided to do the work at home. And when I got home, my computer monitor wasn't working. Woody Allen used to do a stand-up routine where all the appliances and machinery in his life would conspire now and then to make his life a living hell. Well, that's what they did to me yesterday. I was bloodied and bruised. And looking around Tuesday morning, nothing seems to be fixed.

. I watched "Iron Man" on the TV last night, starring Robert Downey Jr. I don't know much about Iron Man, but it looked more like a movie about Gigantor than Iron Man.

I also watched the Yankee/Red Sox game Sunday night. Whenever the Yankees play the Red Sox on a Sunday, I don't even have to look to see if it's an ESPN night game. Is the rest of America tired of seeing the Yankees play the Red Sox? I know I've had enough. This coming Sunday night during the ESPN game I'm going to try to count how many times they scroll the results of the NASCAR Sprint Cup. During the Yankee game, it scrolled across the bottom of the screen at least 3 times a half-inning, over 50 times a game. We get it, ESPN, we get it! It's just eye-pollution. Quit it!

Oh, yeah, I'm still angry from yesterday. The new interns are really getting the wrong impression of me. And all those last second additions for Monday's show? It was ready. But nothing was used.

I know I shouldn't complain . . . but if makes me feel better.

Congratulations to Darla Moore for being accepted into Augusta National. Unfortunately, Darla was never accepted into Spanky's Club.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today! Well into his 50s, basketball point guard for the junior high school 1971 Pomona Panthers, it's Phil Grossfeld.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike