CBS

Show #3725
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mindy Kaling, and Of Gentlemen and Cowards.

PLUS: Mike Francesca; the Late Show nurse; Who Cares?; a Barack Obama campaign commercial; a new baby; the Late Show softball team; a Top Ten list; Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary; and Dave to receive a Kennedy Center Honor.

" . . . . and now, that lovable schlimazel . . . . . . . David Letterman!!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-"It's Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year 5773. Seems like just yesterday I was 5720. Silly me, I'm still writing 5772 on my checks."

Here's something I heard about, read about, but haven't yet seen. Dave introduces: "Mike Francesca: I'd Like To Leave A Wake-Up Call." We see a clip of sports radio host Mike Francesca of WFAN-660 here in New York listening to a report on the New York Yankees by reporter Sweeny Murti. It soon becomes clear that Mike Francesca is fast asleep. It's apparent because he isn't interrupting Murti. And then Mr. Francesca suddenly awakens with a terrified and startled look on his wide-eyed face. Very funny, mostly because Francesca is never wrong and the callers are never right. But he's the most successful sports radio guy in town so he must be doing something right.

Hey, it's the Late Show nurse! She's fast becoming a favorite around here. She is standing beside Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hi."
NURSE: "Hello, Mr. Letterman."
DAVE: "Nice to see you again. Welcome to the show."
NURSE: "Uh huh . . . We need to talk."
DAVE: "We do? Really? About what?"
NURSE: "I've noticed lately you taking an awful lot of crackers from the cafeteria. Are you smuggling them back to your room?"
DAVE: (laughing it off, a sure sign that he is guilty) "No, no. You're wrong. I don't steal crackers. But I know some people who . . . . .
NURSE: "Because you know you're not allowed to have them in your room."
DAVE: "Yes, I know that!"
The nurse moves Dave's arm to get to his jacket pocket.
NURSE: "Excuse me."
She reaches into Dave's jacket pocket and pulls out some crackers.
DAVE: (stammering) "Those aren't mine. I was... I was holding them for a guy." The nurse finds more crackers in Dave's pocket.
NURSE: "You've just made the worst mistake of your life."
She exits.
DAVE: (calling out to her) Hey, everybody takes crackers. Give me a break!"
NURSE: (turning back to Dave) "Enough is enough."

Dave alone at the monologue makes one last plea to the audience to explain his behavior: "I thought assisted living would be the end of all my problems!"

And now it's time for something we call, "Who Cares?"
We see Maria Bartiromo from CNBC conducting an interview with Kim Kardashian.
BARTIROMO: "What's your take on the economy right now?"
KARDASHIAN: "You know, I think that . . ."
Kim Kardashian is quickly cut off as we reprise the art card: "Who Cares?"
Actually, I thought we heard too much of Kim Kardashian. I would have cut her off sooner.

And now, it's President Barack Obama's new campaign commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "The 2012 presidential race has come down to two men: Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. Two men with different ideologies, different tastes. What separates these two men?"
Announce grows more excited.
ANNOUNCE: "Obama's brewing his own beer! Re-elect Barack Obama. He can't guarantee the economy will be fixed, but he can promise the smooth, rich flavor of White House Honey Ale at a price every American will love."
Cut to PRESIDENT OBAMA: "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message because I believe that we're all in this together."
2ND ANNOUNCER: "Available at Liquor Mart!"

In the above, we saw President Obama with a fake mustache. We've seen Romney also in a fake mustache. I'm not sure where this is headed but I like the fake mustaches.

ACT 2:
It's congratulations time! Last week, Late Show stagehand Gene Szymanski and his wife Brandi became the proud parents of a new baby girl, Nora Leigh.
Born September 5th; weighing in at 8 pounds, 3 ounces, measuring 21 inches. Nora joins big brother Hudson in the Szymanski family.

And a big kudos to the Late Show softball team for winning the Performing Arts League softball championship in Central Park last Monday. The Late Show team defeated "The Bravery," 4-3 and 19-6. We see a photo of the Late Show softball team. Bill Scheft is seen standing by the guy in the red warmup. The proud Late Show staff turned to each other and exclaimed, "We have a softball team?!"

And the big news this week was the announcement of Mr. Letterman being an honoree for The Kennedy Center Honors. Dave says this is a big thrill, especially to his family who think he works at a Jiffy Lube in Mexico. Dave credits the many around him over the years for his receiving this great honor. All Dave does is wake up and put on a suit. Dave laughs when he sees on the card that the primary criterion for being a recipient of such an honor is "excellence." He wonders if the Kennedy Center people have ever seen the show. But what's even better than the honor is what he gets for being a Kennedy Center honoree.
-dinner for two at Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House
-a year's supply of slacks from Sansabelt slacks
-a Barcalounger, the all-purpose recliner
-a Craftmatic adjustable bed
-Duraclad spray-on truck bed liner
-Skoal, the smokeless tobacco
-an adjustable cap that reads "Honoree"
-a case of Minwax
-a Hoover vacuum cleaner
-a Westinghouse ceiling fan
-and a new car

ANNOUNCER ALAN KALTER INTERRUPTS: "Not just any car, Dave. It's a brand new Ford Fusion." (we see the Ford Fusion sitting outside the theater) "The 2013 Ford Fusion will be the most fuel-efficient mid-size sedan. It's more than a new car model; it's a new model for cars. With features like Hybrid Technology, Auto-Start and Stop, Lane-Keeping System, Active Park Assist, and Voice-Activated Sync, the Ford Fusion is the green choice for our modern world! The 2013 Ford Fusion!
Back to you, Dave."

Paul wonders who else will be honored this year. Glad you asked, Paul. Also being honored will be:
-Area newscaster Ernie Anastos: we see a vt of his on air urging; "Keep on 'givl'ing the chicken!"
-Presidential candidate Rick Santorum: we see a vt of his snarl, "That's bull-'djoy'!"
-New York broadcaster Sue Simmons: we see a vt of her snap, "What the 'givl' are you doing?!"

Congratulations, Dave. An award truly deserved.

Going into commercial, we see a ne'er-do-well stealing the Ford Fusion parked out front of the theater. The ne'er-do-well was played by Late Show stagehand Gene Szymanski, the new dad. It was a last second decision to add this beat and in the frenzy they asked me to do it. I was fine with that but suggested Gene who I'm sure could use the diaper money. No matter how much money you make, you can't believe how much diapers go for. His appearance should keep baby Norah in diapers for quite awhile.
Ain't I swell?

ACT 3:
Dave takes a moment and doubts that anyone in the world who has ever watched any of the thousands of shows Dave has hosted, from beginning to end, from start to finish, looked over to wife, husband, or friend, and said, "Excellent."

TOP TEN: CHARACTERISTICS OF THE NEWLY DISCOVERED MONKEY
-A new monkey was discovered in central Africa.
8. Hates bananas, loves 'Bonanza'
6. Great with faces, bad with names.
2 Suffers from seasonal monkey allergies.

JOSPEH GORDON-LEVITT
He was in Batman and is now starring in the new film "Looper." Dave has some questions about Batman. Is he dead? Dave detected some foreshadowing in the film. Maybe Batman isn't dead. JGL says Bruce Wayne is still alive, but Batman . . . Dave says he saw Batman sacrifice his life to save the world, but how is it that Bruce Wayne is alive? JGL says he will reveal part of the Batman movie, adding "so if you haven't seen the movie yet, turn off your TV now." Dave jumps in, "Oh, they've done that a long time ago, long before you came out here." I haven't seen the Batman movie yet, but if the studio can make more money with Batman alive than dead, then Batman is sure to be alive. Dave asks about his new film, "Looper." Dave wonders, "Is it apocalyptic?" Hmmm, I think I've heard that question from Dave before. I think it's a question he'll continue to ask about a movie simply for his own amusement. He just wants to hear himself ask "Is it apocalyptic?" I will be keeping a log of such question from here on. For what? For a future comedy piece to be written months, if not years, from now. I am mentally "writing" the piece now in anticipation. A writer will think of it somewhere far off into the future and ask me if I remember the times Dave has asked, "Is it apocalyptic?" I'll then do "hours" of searching for those moments.
"Looper" - it's a sci-fi action thriller that also gives you something to think about. It's about an assassin who uses time travel to conduct business. "Looper" - it opens September 28th.

ACT 4:
Oh, boy, NFL football is back! And you know what that means . . . . Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary is back, too! We cut to a split screen of Dave and Coach Singletary, now the linebackers coach and assistant head coach of the Minnesota Vikings.
DAVE: "Coach, thanks for joining us again this season."
SINGLETARY: "It's my pleasure, Jim. You're always fair."
DAVE: "I like to think so. How is the season going?"
SINGLETARY: "Well, we did it! If you told me we'd be 1-1 after two games, I'd say 'Where do I sign up for that?' It's not 2-0! 2-0 is the penthouse.
We're on a nice floor, but we're not in the penthouse."
DAVE: "Now, you're once again the linebackers coach, but you're also listed as the special assistant to the head coach. What does that entail?"
SINGLETARY: (laughs and laughs and laughs) " . . . I have no idea?"
DAVE: "I see. Any predictions for your Vikings this season?"
SINGLETARY: "Well, let me say this . . . . If the season ended today, it would be the shortest season in NFL history."
SFX - whistle
SINGLETARY: "Uh oh, time for jumping jacks!"
Coach Singletary starts doing jumping jacks.
DAVE: "Coach! Coach? I think perhaps the coach needs some time."
SINGLETARY: "Your local news starts now!"
DAVE: "That's 'Coach's Corner' with Minnesota Vikings linebackers coach Mike Singletary."

A satisfied Dave sighs, "Excellence."

It already seems like a long season.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Be sure to catch Dave tomorrow as he welcomes President Barack Obama. Plus, Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Band of Horses Live on Letterman. Band of Horses' exclusive online concert form the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. That's an awful lot of free entertainment, you lucky so-and-so."

ACT 6:
MINDY KALING
You know her from "The Office," and now Mindy has got herself in deep as the creator, writer, and star of the new FOX comedy series, "The Mindy Project." She admits it's a little scary having so much responsibility but enjoys the fact that she gets to win every argument. Whenever a decision is to be made and there is a difference in opinion, Mindy simply says, "Whose name is on the mug?" Does Dave do that? Dave says, "I tell them, 'Take a look shoes name is on the marquee.'" Ed Sullivan? No. Paul Shaffer? No. Dave Letterman.
The Mindy Project is a rom-com about Mindy, playing an OB/GYN doctor who enjoys to party during the off-hours. Is Mindy schooled in the party life? Mindy admits to going to a "party school" so she has been exposed to such things. Oooh, did she attend one of those Arizona schools or Florida schools or a Colorado school or an upstate New York school known for their partying antics? No. So where did she attend college? "Dartmouth." Dave laughs. He never pictured Dartmouth as being a "party school." I guess a "party school" depends a lot on where you came from. If you grew up in my neighborhood, I don't think Dartmouth would be considered a party school. Born and raised in Morgan, Utah, it might. Mindy's a Cambridge, Massachusetts girl.

"The Mindy Project" - it premiers next Tuesday, September 25th on the FOX.

ACT 7:
OF GENTLEMEN AND COWARDS - The band from Canada won the "Red Bull Soundstage Audience Choice Competition" and their music is featured in the upcoming film, "We Made This Movie." From their E.P. "Warminster," Of Gentlemen and Cowards performed "Save Me."

And that was our show for Monday, September 17, 2012.

Excellence . . . . did you see how Dave repeated that throughout the night? It wasn't by accident. Dave will be honored in December as a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honor. I thought Dave might want to mention that so I typed up a blue card of information about the event and the award. During the day yesterday, word came down that he did in fact want to talk about it and a comedy piece was being prepared. Once I got the two-page script I reduced it down to a readable blue card. The blue card included information I gathered from the Kennedy Center website and the main points in the script. This is what was on Dave's blue card.

THE 35TH ANNUAL KENNEDY CENTER HONORS
-In recognition for --- lifetime contributions to American culture through the performing arts.
-The primary criterion is excellence
List of things you receive when you are an honoree (see list)
Other honorees this year:
-area newscaster Ernie Anastos (vt)
-Presidential candidate Rick Santorum (vt)
-New York area broadcaster, Sue Simmons (vt)
To be broadcast December 26th on CBS
We'll be right back

I added the second bullet point, "the primary criterion is excellence," from information on the Kennedy Center website. I easily could have left it out as it didn't quite add much to the first bullet point, "In recognition for --- lifetime contributions to American culture through the performing arts." BUT . . . I put in "the primary criterion is excellence" because I was pretty darn sure Dave could get some mileage out of it. And BANG! He did. Throughout the night he sarcastically referred to the show's "excellence" just as I hoped he would. Did I tell Dave that I added "excellence" on the blue card so he could poke fun at it? No, but I know him well enough that I figured he would "discover" it on his own. And that would make it more fun. Was it spontaneous on Dave's part? Yes, but I would like to think of it as "manipulated spontaneity."

Opening announce: " . . . and now, that lovable schlimazel . . . . David Letterman!"
I was looking up Yiddish words for today's script cover in honor of Rosh Hashanah. While doing so I decided to dash a little Yiddish into tonight's opening announce. I'm glad I came across it. Before that, I had bupkes. I often think of renaming the Wahoo Gazette as The Bupkes Express.

Mike Francesca of WFAN sports radio . . . . some years back he said the Buffalo Bills made an awful draft pick when they selected CJ Spiller in the first round in 2010. I wrote it down. I wanted it documented. I wanted Spiller to go to the Giants but the Bills got him first. And I knew one day that Francesca would pretend to have loved the picked right form the beginning. CJ Spiller currently leads the NFL in yards rushing and touchdowns.
Meanwhile, the Giants picked defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul with their first round pick, a pick few Giant fans were happy about at the time. But that's why we're fans and not GMs.

President Barack Obama is on the show Tuesday night. Shlep your tuches in front of the TV. You don't want to miss this.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From O'Malley's in Nyack, New York, it's Kieran O'Gorman.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike