I don't know that you will ever allow yourself the time to relax enough to truly appreciate and enjoy the experience. I had a hard time doing that the first time, but because it is so cutthroat this time, I don't think everyone's going to do that. And that makes it different. I also truly believe the adventure of the experience is lost for most, because it's not new anymore. So maybe I'm wrong, but for me, it's much easier to let go and say goodbye this time than it would have been the first time. But I knew coming into this I could not have duplicated my experience. You couldn't have had more fun and had a more positive experience than I had the first time playing this game. I knew that coming in, so I wasn't looking to outdo it.
The inevitable bonus of playing this game again is simply once again proving to yourself that you can do it, that you can withstand the elements, put up with the environment and the players and the diverse personalities and move your way through this game. No matter how far you make it, when you get home from playing it the first time, you wonder if you'll ever go through that type of experience again, whether you'll ever have to truly trust your senses and push youself to those limits again. Having an opportunity to come back and play it again? Check, well, mark that one off the list: I've still got it; I've still got that competitive edge.
I want to show up and compete. I want to go play in the Challenges and try to win. That's what feels good, is knowing I'm three years older but I've still got that in me. I've still got that drive to compete and win. But I'm more comfortable in my life now, so it's okay that I didn't win. I don't know if I could have said that the first time, because honestly, I didn't win, but I felt like I did.
I remember filling out the first application three and a half years ago. The primary reason, before there was any hope of me getting on that show, was to see if I could push myself and see if I can test it. I felt like since college I'd lost my competitive edge. That was my one way to get it back, and it happened.
That was three years ago, and I wanted to know if it was still there. I'm very driven to succeed, and I find victories in my life daily, if not weekly. But this was something I wanted to do to see if I could still hold up under pressure, and it feels good. I don't mean just physically hold up. The body's a little older, but I felt like it would hold up fine. Emotionally and mentally, I wanted to see if I could still put myself through the wringer and be okay with it. I feel a lot better this time, maybe even better than I did the first.
Tonight was probably as polar opposite as you could be from my first experience in SURVIVOR. Every Tribal Council, I was never voted out, was never snuffed out. If I signed on and came back, and I was completely goal-oriented, meaning the only focus I had was to win this thing, or if I truly believed I could, tonight would have hurt a lot worse. But I've never said I could win this thing again, ever. I knew it would be tougher.
I knew it would be a much harder game to be successful at, not just winning, but to make it as far as I did, or as far as a lot of people did the first time. So in the back of my mind, I always knew this was a possibility, even today, coming in. It wasn't a lie when I said everyone has to feel a level of vulnerability coming into Tribal Council, because it's a smarter game, and that's what makes it a great game.
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