Damn, I had it going, too! I was working both sides, and I was doing it okay. I think people didn't catch on, they didn't mind it, they weren't asking questions. I had that down. Jesus! I can't believe it. I thought Rob was going to be there for me. It was stupid, actually; it was a stupid play. But that's what happens when you put too much trust and loyalty into your thought process out here. You can't let it happen.
You know, I came into this with a lot of hesitation, and I think the hesitation was just… I remember how beat up I got. I go so beat up that it affected my decision-making. So I came in here, and I just wanted to play the game. I came in like going to a new job, trying to be effective, as effective as I could. The thing is that it beat me to a pulp in the first six days. I had that pounding dehydration feeling day four. I had that feeling--honest to God--day 20, 25 last time. So it threw me off in the Challenges, and you know what? It threw me off in bonding with people. That robust feeling of this great adventure wasn't here, because I was just hurting physically.
The other thing that was totally missing was that on SURVIVOR: MARQUESAS, we were truly building a little society. I think the players did it. Whether it was Gabriel or Pascal, because it was all new. We were like big-eyed kids at Christmastime or at a holiday: "Wow! This is like Robinson Crusoe!" So, we did this bonding thing that actually makes you win. We didn't have that at all in the tribe that I was on. In that tribe that I was on, Mogo Mogo, it was business. They were all into the business of it. Hatch, Colby, most of us didn't have that wide-open, adventure feeling. So that was the killer; we didn't win. Teams have got to have spirit to win. Even thought that other tribe, Chapera, had all that goofy rah-rah stupid stuff that I didn't think was team spirit, it was enough spirit for them to make it, to win. That's why their alliance is strong.
Why did I want to do it? Because I learned. I started learning last time at about day 15, day 20, and I knew that if I brought back that knowledge, that I could have won. You know what? I could have won. I made that ridiculous decision not having enough facts. That guy wasn't in front of me, you know? I didn't have the pawn or the chess player in front of me. It was stupid. I was going based on knowing the person compared to having him in front. So I really thought I could do well. And you know what? I think I was doing well.
I know how to play this game, and that's why I came back, with great reluctance for the physical. The only thing I knew was I was going to come out and I was going to look younger again, because when I get skinny I look younger. I wanted to take what I learned and see if I could bring it to fruition. There's nothing better. It's like taking a class or learning something new. I went through such an experience last time, a personal growth experience, and just the knowledge of the game. So this time around, I knew just taking the knowledge that I acquired from the first time around that I could really win it. I felt that I was on a good course. So that's why I did it: I wanted to win! It's about winning; I love to win. We all do. And who knows? Maybe there was going to be some new enlightenment that was going to occur. But that didn't happen.
I walk away feeling good that when I am down in the dumps and I'm going down for the count, what I rely on is trust and loyalty and the better qualities of life. And you know what? Maybe I just don't have it in myself to make it all the way to the million and be semi-corrupt and lie like everybody tonight at Tribal Council said you had to do. And you know what? In essence, I don't think I have it in me to do that. I was trying to do it the other way. I feel really good about myself. If I made a mishap and I'm not winning that million bucks because it was based on trust and loyalty, and I keep rearing back to that, I keep going back to that, wanting it. I don't think you can find it here. If you find it, it's in little, short doses, and you should be satisfied with that. And you know what? I'm not. I want the big, big Kahuna loyalty and trust, and I don't think you can win it out here with just that.
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